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Michelle

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  • #384764
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My dad was responsible so I can’t believe he did not do this. Like I said he talked to me about his death so many times over the last few years. He was very successful, smart, and finically responsible. He was a good investor and planner.  Maybe he did make one and he doesn’t know? But I feel he was lucid when he first went in. He said he didn’t have one, so I don’t know. I will have to go through the piles of papers in the house.  A cousin mentioned that he had a lawyer but no one knows who he is.

    We ended up not moving my dad to a hospice facility.  The hospital offered to do palliative care there since they felt that he did not have much time left. My uncle felt better with him staying in the hospital in the sense that he would get extra care, so it was a good middle ground. Also he has is so weak now   that I felt moving him might shorten whatever time he has left. If feels like he is completely mentally gone now with very little lucidity and I don’t even know if he would appreciate being someplace else as he doesn’t even know where he is.

    At least there he knows the staff, he has his regular cancer doctor and he has gotten to know the staff for over 40 days. Maybe sometimes he remembers some of them.

    His veins can’t take fluids anymore because it is going to the wrong places. I supposed he will die of dehydration in a few days because they took out the IV today and because he can’t swallow or digest he has no food or water.

    Today I am sad. I haven’t sleep for two days and I haven’t eaten very much.

    I haven’t been able to think of the bad parts of our relationship only the good and taking care of him now. I am surprised by this because I feel that if this was a  5 or 6 years ago I would only think of bad. I mourn that I can’t have a last conversation with my father because he become delusional before I ever got to have one. I can’t ask him any last questions.  It’s hard seeing him this way. He only seems to have miserable paranoid delusions. I wonder why he can’t have pleasant ones. I have to treat him like a toddler.

    I have given up on the will and I will have to figure out what to do. It is just so much extra stress on me on top of having to witness his death. Nonetheless, I have accepted that I will not get one.

    #384612
    Michelle
    Participant

    Anita,

    Perhaps he did postpone his papers until now.  It is a scary topic, but I am young and I have made sure that people know what I want when I die.  For me, it is hard to comprehend that he would not. It is strange that he talked to me about his impending death so many times since he was diagnosed 11 1/2 years ago but never made any will. Not even when he prepared me for his death when he underwent a risky procedure.

    When he entered the hospital this time I guess he knew he was dying deep down. He was a much different man at the beginning of last month. He was suddenly weaker and suddenly seemed old overnight but he was lucid, he was an avid bike rider, he talked too much. He thought he went in for an infection, but even then he couldn’t stop talking about his will. He even left me voice mails that he needed a lawyer right away. He told me his younger brother was working on it and I believed it. My uncle though apparently just carried a computer printout around in his briefcase and never even had my dad sign it. Assuming a computer printout is even good enough. He did customize it with my dad but left it unsigned.  I spoke with my uncle today who has been there almost every day. Today he talked to me about the will. He told me that he took it upon himself to make the inference that my dad would come out so he didn’t have to and my dad was just being dramatic. He apologized to me but I feel angry.

    This is the same uncle who is now guilting me because i have decided that my dad should go to hospice because keeping him at home as his body fails more each day feels inhumane. Every day I am called with new news of some new health failure or finding. It never seems to stop.  How much can a homecare person know or do? The apartment is messy, dark, and depressing with my dad’s stuff everywhere.   I want to send him to one of the best cancer hospice facilities in the country with experienced staff and doctors. All they do is help people with terminal cancer die. Keeping my dad at home will not prevent his death.

    My uncle is guilting me telling me that my dad wished to stay alive when he entered the hospital last month. My dad was different last month. How come that wish of him is valid, but the wish to have my uncle finish his will was not?

    If my dad did become truly lucid and if he told me he wanted to die in his apartment then I would do it, but he is not.

    I hired a caseworker to help with his care and his after-life arrangements because it is too sad and stressful for me when I just want to spend the last days with him. That uncle has a pushy wife who is trying to do the job of the woman I hired to handle this even though i asked her to stop.

    They are tag-teaming me to make me question my decisions even though I have a background in science and medicine and they have none. They think he’ll take a pill, or have an IV and beat hospice. I try to explain to him that is not a realistic reality. They are making me feel like i’m purposely sending my dad to an early death painting a picture of a place that will starve him and not help him at all but just drug him to speed up his death.

    I am going through so many emotions right now and they are making it worse.

    There is only one visitor allowed per day at the hospital because of IOVID.  i got an exception for two today because my uncle was supposed to sit with me to find out what my dad wanted in his death since we don’t know. He didn’t bring it up, but instead is pushing for him and my aunt to go tomorrow to insert themselves into my meeting with the doctor no doubt to question and belittle my decisions to make me feel guilty and like i am murdering my father.

    I don’t want them there and i want them to leave me alone. I asked them to leave me alone but they do not.

    I know that my dad is my uncles older brother and he has known my dad longer than me. I know that he wants him to live and is denial, but i want him to just give me space. I was almost happy that they changed it to one visitor for while but he stole my days and now somehow has managed to bend the rules to be there at every moment so that i can never just be with my dad alone.

    Today I am angry again.

    #384590
    Michelle
    Participant

    They called me this morning and they are going to stop treatment which I knew was coming when they stopped feeding him.

    They are going to move him to hospice. I hired a case manager.

    I called a couple of cemeteries.

    I don’t feel anything at all today.

    #384546
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I do enjoy your responses. Even if they rephrase what I say it still gives me insight and it feels like someone is listening. I appreciate that you respond. When you do give me little slivers of wisdom or advice I do appreciate that too. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my thread.

    Today they told me that my dad is too much of a choking risk so they will stop feeding him even the puree. I asked if that would be permanent they said they didn’t know. I asked how he would get proper nutrition only from an IV. They said they would have a plan.

    Then they called me back and they are going to stop feeding him for now because his GI tract has slowed from all of the medications and chemo so i feel bad. I think they plan to feed him again, but I was told the doctor would call me. She never did. Also because of his GI issue, it is unclear if they will continue the chemo as planned tomorrow.

    I also feel like i’m having selfish thoughts. My dad is dying I have accepted that.  There should be an easy transition of assets for me as an only child. My dad has always said he wants me to have everything. He said the same to everyone in my family. He has been sick for 11 1/2 years but i found out he never wrote a will or a trust or did anything to prepare for this.

    I feel selfish because i’m mad that he didn’t. I have a lawyer but he will not speak to him unless my dad comes out of the hospital. The hospital tells me everyday that he will come out soon but it has been six week almost and I am starting to think that he might never come out. Every day is new bad news.

    His mental health is detorating as he stays in that room. I might never get a will done. I already have my other legal problem I touched upon here and I don’t understand why he would leave me with this extra stress of having to go through courts when he has talked to me about dying so much. Especially over the last couple of years.

    I feel selfish for thinking about it.

    I also still feel bad for him.

    I will see him tomorrow.

     

    #384494
    Michelle
    Participant

    Since I have been going through a lot of emotions with my dad. I wanted to add to this thread to say something happy.

    We are still together.

    We didn’t let our relationship expire. Even with COVID and 19 months apart we kept going.  We finally spent a month together recently

    We are distant again, but we are still actively working to close the distance to be together.

    You really never know which way things are going to go. I remember how sad I was when I wrote this thread, but everything ended up being ok 🙂

     

    #384492
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I don’t think my dad let bad happens to me always, so there is always some love for him. He was a good dad in a lot of ways he was my only parent so he had to play the role of the mom too, and he did his best at times.

    Later in life he would send me articles that made him think of me, he bought me things that he thought I needed, he would call to check in on me, and he honestly did a lot for me. He would drop everything to come and save me, like when I landed at an airport feeling sick.

    Then there were bad parts of the relationship too, so it’s clashing.

    When he got diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago he started being easier to be around, so I would say it is the opposite of your second point. The bad things were for the first couple of decades of my life.
    So I think I mourn the little things he always did for me throughout my life and the last years mostly.

    I still feel angry too. So it’s confusing.

    Today I feel sad, angry, and I feel bad for him but then also guilty.

    I feel bad for him because it’s not easy to watch him this way. The last time I was there he asked me to help him as in to make him feel better, but i couldn’t so i just played his favorite music. I brought him a digital frame so that he could look at pictures of familiar faces and happy memories, but it didn’t make him happy. Instead, when a photo came on of him on top of a mountain he told me how he wished he could go there again. So I felt bad for him and the whole gift just became depressing.

    However, for the last three days, I felt more ok, almost happy, and normal at times. I started my normal routines again, but then I started feeling bad for not feeling bad until I finally felt bad again.

    So there is 1. anger that makes me almost relieved
    2. sadness
    3. guilt although when I think of #1 I don’t know why I should feel guilty.

    Not sure what I am asking for from this ramble was but it felt good to write it down.

    #384206
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you as always.

    I think that you are right about love and hate for me.

    My feeligns have changed since I wrote this post. I spent a few days very sad, and feeling guilty for declining so many invatations over the last couple of years. I wished for his treatment to work so that I could have a month or more to make up for lost time.

    I went from feeling burdened by having to go to see him so often, to wanting to go everyday even though it has prevented me from getting things done that I need to do in my own life as he is not that close and it is a long trip.

    I find that the last few days I have forgotten the bad things and only thing of the good.

    But at the same time a voice deep down chimes in and reminds me that bad things happened also. When I feel really sad I franticaly try to remind myself of all of the bad things I have forgotten.

    It’s exausting and overwhelming to feel both of these at the same time still.

    Today I feel complacent, and I feel bad for him because he is in pain.

    I’m not in denial of my situation, but today I feel like i’m in denial anyway which is why I have relief from my sadness. Maybe i’m just tired of being sad for now.

     

    #366114
    Michelle
    Participant

    Thank you for you advice it helped a lot. Wanted to add that.

    #366113
    Michelle
    Participant

    @sammy I told him some of the things you posted here because I thought it was true. And we talked more. we talked about prematurely ending the relationship etc. I told him I was going to cut let it go because it was going to be painful. He didn’t want me to go  so we are back to not being friends still being committed and letting this come to it’s natural end and maybe finding more options other than Canada.

    #365799
    Michelle
    Participant

    @sammy

    We want to believe that he will make it to Canada sooner than later. I am confused are you suggesting that love requires a continuous commitment. Does that mean a commitment not as platonic friends for now?  Does that put us out of that category? I certainly do not plan to put my eggs in one basket as tempting as it might be.

    I am not in denial of my situation. I do plan to date when I feel ready to do so. Today is exceptionally hard for me. I feel sad, but thankful that he is still in my life at the same time.

    I am afraid that if I stop talking to him then I would be closing the door. I don’t want that. He has applied to Canada. But because of the virus, we don’t know how long the delay will be. We can only wait for them to get to his application. He is spending his time strengthening it by learning french and taking the fluency exam.  He thinks that if it takes a year we will move on.

    I fear that if i stop talking to him then I cut off something that could have been.  I realize that I am setting myself up for pain in the future. But I don’t know what will happen so should I not do that because I fear pain later on?  I do not believe that he wants to stop talking to me.  I had suggested that we stopped doing so a few days ago and he talked me out of it.

    I am torn. Talking to him makes me happy. At the same time, it makes me feel anxious sad, and angry because of our situation. I have never done this before. I always rip the bandaid off. But there were always problems in my past relationships and that is why they ended. I am happy he is with me still but I am also miserable.

    I am still not caring for myself the way I should every day. I don’t feel like I have any motivation and I don’t think that has anything to do with him. I just wish there was a way to carry on without so much pain.

    #365716
    Michelle
    Participant

    @sammy Yes we have decided to keep in touch although he is more realistic than me at this point in the breakup. In my heart, I know the chances of reconciliation are low because we must be so far apart for so long. I am trying not to worry about the future. I understand the circumstance of this virus has led to the demise of my relationship. I do understand the reality, but emotionally I am in denial at times. However, that does not mean that I don’t understand and accept.

    The only chance to be reunited at this point as it seems is when he makes it to canada which might be 12 months or longer from now. We have already been forcefully separated by COVID for 8 months. I understand that the excitement that he had for our relationship has dwindled because of the time apart. If I am honest mine is weaker of course too.

    We were a new couple when this happened. We have been apart 70% longer than we have been together. He reached a phase where he accepted the situation before me. We both understood the reality of it as we talked about what would happen if this continued multiple times. We both anxiously hoped that travel would become possible for us, or that the global situation would improve. We both continued to hold on for quite some time. Is that what you meant when you said I was not ready for the truth?

    We have decided to talk as we have before but we are doing it so platonically.  Logically for me, I understand why the virus has town us apart and we can longer be together. I still hold onto some hope. He thinks that we should not because the chances are so low that we have not moved on by the time we can finally be reunited. However, he wants to leave the door open.

    We are talking to each other again perhaps too much. It is the same as before except knowing that we are broken up. We want to help each other through the COVID and we want to keep in touch. We talk to each other throughout the day every day. He texts me while I sleep and me while he sleeps. We chat in the evening, and in the morning. I stay up late so we talk for hours every night for almost 14 months now.  We never run out of things to say. I know him more in this short time than people I have spent years with. We have a strong mental bond we get along so well. Despite having the communication back I still find myself in an anxious state, not doing the things that I need to do for myself and feeling emotional. While he is there I also know that he is gone.

    #365653
    Michelle
    Participant

    Thank you. Yes I know of the pain when leaving your loved ones before the virus we were in that boat. We had left each other three times. We had planned to see each other every 2-3 months until August when he would come. That was taken away from us by the virus.

    While we did in fact break up because the virus because kept us apart For so long. I also learned, yesterday, that it chipped away at his will to come to live in America because the process to move here is so difficult. The current immigration policies has made it more so.

    after meeting with a friend who goes to the school that he was going to attend. I was told that the new students were finding jobs quite quickly so I went back to tell him as that was one of his concerns. But he told me that drive to pursue a green card is no longer there. He said said the distance and such a long time apart has decreased the drive of it. For the amount of time money and effort he needed a very strong drive to do it.

    I understand as I also feel  tired and beaten by the many months we spent yearning to see each other. The ups and downs the glimmers of hope that travel would resume.  Of course my drive was much stronger months ago as well. I feel like if we can not meet and stay together without continuously  being torn apart that I don’t want to do this anymore either. I have grown so tired of the bad feelings that are created after leaving each other and they have been magnified by covid.

    Canada is so much easier to move to without so many hoops once you are in. He can do as he pleases once he is there. He only wants to go Canada now. This is a reasonable decision. Still we agreed if we still like each other and things align once in Canada we would try.
    <p style=”text-align: right;”>As Anita said I would feel that I would want communication if the situation changes.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: right;”>I realize that the chances of my relationship being over forever feel more likely than a reunion. I am still feeling great sadness daily fighting a mental battle between letting go and holding on. I go through phases where I feel selfish and want to walk away simply so that he could miss  me and therefore the situation might change. But then I remember that he has never been more than gentle, kind, caring, and always wanting for me to be ok and happy that I would never want to intentionally cause him pain. My talking to him during this time also helps him get through this as he openly admitted to me  yesterday.

    </p>
    the times we are in are not normal. For that reason it feels acceptable to do what is not normal for me. Everyone’s mental health is so fragile at this time and this break up is not like others I have had. We had no problems and we still make each other happy. I feel like a victim of circumstances. However , now that it is clear that a part of the reason is that he doesn’t feel like fighting as strongly I feel more hurt.  That new information makes me wonder again if I Should I keep the communication as it is?  I know that he would like for me to keep talking to him.

    Unknown future aside I feel sadness talking to him.  I am still crying in the mornings and evenings. I understand my current reality. but I think I would feel greater sadness shutting him out.

    #365629
    Michelle
    Participant

    Thank You. Your words always make me feel better Anita. It is hard to keep my focus on the present but I am always trying.

    #365611
    Michelle
    Participant

    To clarify 20-26 months including the 8 months we have done so far.  But it is still a very long time.

    #365610
    Michelle
    Participant

    So we spoke again last night.

    We talked about our situation in more depth. We talked for 2 1/2 hours. I had already accepted that the virus has ruined our plans as he would be here today.  However, the talk made me feel more accepting of the fact that we are both in a situation outside of our control. We both agreed that it seems impossible for us to ever be together the way we wanted to be. We have already been apart for 8 months and are human and require physical love and affection. He has been suffering coming to terms with this reality for the last few weeks so he has thought about it more.

    America with everything the way it currently is just seems to be off the table now.

    He will still try to go to Canada but again we can not wait out for that because of the Pandemic it will be 20-26 months of waiting. That seems unreasonable.

    Also there is no guarantee he will get into Canada either. As an American it’s easier for me to go an stay there on a work visa as I am qualified for jobs there and there is a pact between the US and Canada that makes it very easy to do so. Not easy to become a resident or citizen but very easy to stay and work. He must go through an entire process where there is no guarantee.

    I am suffering and I am depressed from more than just this I was having a very hard time. So I asked him if it made sense to keep in touch until the light at the end of the covid tunnel. To just talk as we did before and be there for each other. However, we should consider ourselves open to date and move on as it is so long from now and there are no guarantees. we should treat it as the relationship is over but be there for each other. Neither of us has a desire to date right now but we both expect that we will meet someone new in such a long time frame.

    We had agreed that if we were single and still enjoyed each other we would be open to reuniting in Canada whenever that might be. But we should not hold onto hope for it because everything just seems to be working against us and it’s just such a very long time to wait.

    I brought up keeping in touch. He accepted right away and seemed more anxious than me to fall back into our old ways sending me messages immediately after and while I slept.

    Is this incredibly unhealthy and preventing me from accepting that I most likely need to let go of this person?

    I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. I know that if I cut him off then it is history. I know that if I keep him here the door is still open even if only slightly. I cherish him as a person either way.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 49 total)