Forum Replies Created
January 6, 2020 at 11:09 am #331637
Thanks, Valora how I’m feeling exactly. Although I still have a lot of internal emotions I’m trying to get through. It’s like a breakup but not as bad as a romantic one thankfully. I appreciate your thoughtful response.January 5, 2020 at 12:37 pm #331223
I don’t know if I’m the best at giving advice but I read your story and your dating issues remind me of one of my very good friends. He is not bi-sexual but he desperately wants to find a girlfriend and has a hard time doing so. He has been trying for a few years now. I don’t know how much in common the two of you have but for my friend anyway, he is so desperate for a girlfriend that I think that shows and chases people away. If anyone shows any remote interest in him he is telling me if he thinks he can marry her or not. I’m always like it has been two dates! The fact is that he comes on too strong. Self love is an important part of this. I feel like you have to be comfortable with being single and have confidence in being alone that is an attractive quality in a mate.
Not to mention dating just sucks in general. It’s not easy to meet someone that you are compatible with and want to spend your life with. Don’t feel bad because it is taking time. I had a 4-year stretch where I must have went on over 100 dates and met no one significant. I have lots of friends who have been dating for a long time. I have other friends who are now in relationships but I remember that they dated for a long time. It is not totally out of the ordinary to take time to meet someone I think that is normal. As long as you are trying it’s impossible that you will be alone forever.
Also for the girl who was afraid of you being bi-sexual maybe you should bring that up earlier int he dating process even if it does limit your options more. By withholding that information you are wasting both of your time.
As for your parents, the only person who will have to live your life is you. While they are your parents and important parts of it I’m sure you should settle because of pressure from others. I have a difficult family even though they never pressured me to settle down. I am in my 30’s and I have moved out of the town where I grew up and talk to them frequently enough. That has really helped me but I don’t know if that is something you are willing to do. Although it would be a clean slate to be the true you if you feel like you can’t be yourself with them around. If not that perhaps try meeting people a town or two over?January 5, 2020 at 12:20 pm #331221
I just briefly read your story Whelan and I know that you are sad. I went through a hard breakup last year but once you are out of the gray clouds you will be so thankful that you were strong enough to move past this person. You will read what you wrote here and say to yourself what was I thinking!
I have been in my share of toxic relationships in my life. I actually wasted my 20’s and early 30’s in them. I wished that I was strong enough to leave sooner and felt regret that I stayed but no matter the time span I believe that these obstacles make us stronger and are necessary to prepare us future situations in life.
Someone who does not invite you out with friends doesn’t take your relationship seriously or see you in their future. What are a relationship without love, trust, and companionship? He doesn’t want to be with you outside the home seems like a giant problem for me. He has created three times, maybe he doesn’t want you around so he can cheat again and you don’t need that. You are better than that.
I know what it is like to be on the inside and feeling sad grasping at the good, but from an outside point of view, it’s hard to fathom why you would want to be with this man. Be strong and you should prevail and find someone who treats you kind, involves you in his life, and makes you feel good. It took me a lot longer than I thought it would in my life but I did. Just be patient and try not to waste time on things that constantly make you feel bad. Life is too short for that! I know easier said than done.
You will get past this. Keeping a breakup journal really helped me.October 9, 2019 at 12:57 pm #316975
I just wanted to leave a happy update for anyone in this situation as I feel people rarely update.
So we have kept this going with no expiration date. So far it has been great. We don’t have anything forced but talk regularly. Sad because he left again today after coming back to spend two weeks with me. It has been pretty seamless so far and we have our next trip planned and he’s actively trying to move here. On his most recent trip here he also spent time trying to speak with people who will result in a job interview here for him. We don’t plan on cutting communication or stopping plans to see each other any time soon.
Feeling ok, although every time he leaves again it is sad.August 9, 2019 at 11:19 pm #307395
I think that would be nice if I am every lucky enough. I haven’t posted here because I have been enjoying him. We decided to spend every evening together this week since he is leaving on Monday.
I feel slightly better knowing that we both have decided that we will meet again in a few months. He has decided to not make me travel so far and will come to my side of the world. Still, I have no idea what will happen and am sad but there is nothing that I can do. He wants to find a job here. That is his goal but it will take time. Lucky he has a very specific background and is very smart. He is just finishing his MBA in a global top school so I guess I’ll just have to embrace the unknown and keep going.
I don’t feel as bad as when I first wrote this post. I think the panic that I had last week also helped me accept it somehow.August 2, 2019 at 11:42 am #306287
I prefer to not know when something is going to end.August 2, 2019 at 11:17 am #306273
I am not angry with him. I don’t know where his mind is which is why we will talk about it next time we are together. All I know is that we are taking things as they come and he wants to stay in touch when he leaves.
I am just sad because I don’t want him to go and a little angry at myself for entering a relationship that I knew would be short because then I have to be sad. As I said, I think that I prefer the unknown.
I like him a lot and wish he was not leaving.August 2, 2019 at 9:52 am #306229
Well I think it goes past knowing he is here for a short term. We really do have a ton in common and just get along so well. I do not come across that often. I come across many people passing through because I live in a big city. I don’t connect with those people in this same way. I do think he is extra compatible with me.
The issue is enjoying the short time we have left. We have just met and he has friends from his exchange class so while we have now 11 days left that really means I only have 3-4x left with him. Time is fleeting and it’s hard for me to enjoy what is left of it.August 1, 2019 at 6:18 pm #306161
Yes, I understand.
I have been holding this in. I told him my fears and I think we are going to talk about what we are going to do. We are both not closed. We both accept that we don’t know the future which comes with infinite possibilities so we are just going to go with it and see where life takes us. I told him that I want to go to his side of the world in November and he was happy. Writing here gave me the courage to tell him how I was feeling. While I’m happy that I know I will see him again if even only briefly I’m still feeling anxious about losing him in the capacity that I have him now.
It just feels unfair.
I will accept the pain and sit through it. This is so many times this year. It never feels easier.August 1, 2019 at 4:28 pm #306157
Thank You Mark.
You make it sound so easy.
I am happy but also so sad right now. (I wasn’t sad until today). Again I don’t regret that I got to meet a wonderful person. I am thankful for every moment that we have had. It just feels so unfair that he is going away so soon.
I find myself rationalizing with myself how this can somehow work out. After writing here I sent him a message asking if we had to totally uproot it. Not pause life but keep it casually open meet somewhere in the world perhaps, or I can see what it is like on his side of the world. He responded that we should think about it with a smile.
I have accomplished nothing today because I can’t stop obsessing over the future which is not real and I have no way of knowing what it holds for me.
I will try to bring myself into the present every time I slip into those thoughts. Besides, I don’t want it to just be me that is worried about him leaving. It would feel nice if he reciprocated in wanting this to somehow work out. Which I guess he has in his own expectation that we will keep in touch. He just seems to be so much better at living in the present than me.
Mark, I know that you admire me, but I have separation anxiety and don’t know why I do this to myself. I understand that nothing is forever but I think if I’m honest with myself I prefer the unknown. It is such a catch 22 I don’t want short term but I don’t want to deprive myself of wonderful moments as I had with him out of fear of heartache and fear of the future. When iI’mold and senile I will enjoy remembering that FIRST kiss we shared and made me smile all night 🙂
Why does everything that makes us feel good to seem to have a cost of some emotional pain?
Thank you for your response.May 28, 2019 at 10:03 am #296123
Thanks @anita I am not religious either but that is somehow helpful. I will try to remain calm. This will finally pass one day.May 28, 2019 at 5:22 am #296051
Thank you both Anita and Brandy but I don’t feel that I can tell him. I am just going to try to forget it. He can not help what I did. I just hope that it goes unnoticed. I am probably magnifying it.May 27, 2019 at 1:31 pm #296009
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Maybe guilt was the wrong word. Fear. Fear that I will get caught and he will hurt me more. I’m not doing anything else.</p>May 27, 2019 at 1:13 pm #296005
Amazingly stupid*May 27, 2019 at 1:12 pm #296003
@anita I think the guilt is because I know what I did could have been Ana I fly stupid for me. I’m the only one that will suffer because of what I did. Maybe it is guilt and fear. I am overwhelmed with thoughts that I will be caught and this bully will become worse. I would like to think that everyone other than the bully would be thankful for what I did.