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Tips on How to Get Through This – Day 2

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  • #365550
    Michelle
    Participant

    Only day 2 for me. I haven’t even gone 24 hours without sending a message but am trying to today.

     

    I’m crying in random spurts. Don’t want to eat or do anything. I thought i wouldn’t but i have gone into how could i fix this mode as usual. Although this time even to me it feels unfixable.

    Life is so unfair. Neither of us wanted to breakup. I hate this virus.

    How do I cope without becoming a hermit in my house that doesn’t eat?

    #365551
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Don’t be so hard on yourself hun, that’s not fair to you. It will be ok.🙏 Everything will work out the way it should, for now try to be in peace and don’t worry or stress so much. Have you tried maybe drinking a protein shake? Something in liquid form.
    Sending you a lot of positivity & light.💫

    #365552
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Crying is ok too, it’s natural. I’ve had my fair share of tears in the past few days, so I understand. It felt natural and human for me to cry, it’s the release I needed during my personal time of not knowing what to do.

    Feel how you need to feel but release it when you’re ready and know it will all be ok, just have a little more trust in the universe and more importantly, stay positive.❤️🙏❤️

    #365554
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Michelle:

    I read your recent threads and I am sorry about the pain you are going through. I wish life was better for you.

    You shared that you are 38, living in a small apartment in New York City, unemployed, still burdened by that four year lawsuit, with no end in sight to it, and your long distance boyfriend changed his plans to leave Hong Kong and join you in NYC, or in Canada.

    In 2019, he hated his job and life in Hong Kong, so he travelled to New York to study for an MBA so to change his career. It was a summer program, and that’s when you met him: the pre-pandemic summer of 2019. You had the best two months with him. After the program he returned to Hong Kong. A month later, he was back for a couple of weeks to see you, and to network, hoping to find a job. You saw him a third and  last time in December 2019.

    Covid-19 happened in that same month. He was back in Hong Kong, and you were in NYC. The two of you kept regular, wonderful contact all through the pandemic. But he was living off his  savings, couldn’t find a job, the borders were closed, policies changed, and the plans to study in NY or move to Canada became impractical, or too difficult for him.

    “He broke up with me because he feels every route is exhausted because of the virus”, you wrote.

    Today, you were feeling angry, upset that he didn’t do more to be with you, that not only did he give up  on you, but he also gave up on his ambitions to get out of Hong Kong and make a career change. “Now he will stay there and do the same things that he was doing before while the future of Hong Kong is questionable and he is not Chinese”, you wrote.

    You feel “disappointed, angry, and abandoned”, and very pessimistic: “I feel like nothing ever goes right for me in my life, and when it finally does, it is taken away like some big joke. My life is just one dark tragedy after another and it’s not fair”.

    No, it’s not fair. It would have been wonderful if he was back in NYC, or if the two of you moved to Canada and proceeded to have a healthy, loving relationship.

    You asked for tips on how to get through this:

    1. “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us”, E. M. Forster- what this quote means to me is that the best we can do, when our plans and hopes do not come to fruition, is live the life that is available to us; make the best of what we have, instead of sinking in regret about what we don’t have.

    Dreams and hopes make us happy for as long as it is possible to make them come true, but when they are no longer possible, or when they are highly unlikely to happen, these unactualized dreams and hopes bring us misery.

    2. Post here anytime you want to, express yourself, vent, and if you want more of my input, let me know, and I will offer you more.

    anita

     

    #365574
    Michelle
    Participant

    Thank Anita.

     

    I am trying to live in the moment but it so difficult for me to do right now. I only feel pain and I wish for it to stop. I had developed a daily routine with him that has gone on for 13 months.  What do I do with no routine in place. How do I make a new one when I feel this way. I can’t do anything but sit here in silence. Somehow the day is just done and I did nothing. It’s so hard to give up everything all at once. My love, my best friend, and the things that i did every day that brought me joy. There is nothing joyful right now.

    #365575
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Michelle:

    You are welcome. Like you wrote a little while ago, on another thread, it is understandable that because of the extreme circumstances involved in the pandemic, and immigration policy changes in the US and Canada and the politics in Hong Kong.. his plans changed. His plans were downgraded from thriving (further education, a career change, a love relationship with you) to.. just surviving.

    Focus on surviving yourself  and on suffering less. Imagine the possibility of you being sad but not in emotional pain. There is a term or technique used in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, called Radical Acceptance, which means accepting what we cannot change (not resisting it) letting it be, saying yes to life, as it is, as it comes. If you are able to do that, you will experience peace of mind.

    anita

    #365610
    Michelle
    Participant

    So we spoke again last night.

    We talked about our situation in more depth. We talked for 2 1/2 hours. I had already accepted that the virus has ruined our plans as he would be here today.  However, the talk made me feel more accepting of the fact that we are both in a situation outside of our control. We both agreed that it seems impossible for us to ever be together the way we wanted to be. We have already been apart for 8 months and are human and require physical love and affection. He has been suffering coming to terms with this reality for the last few weeks so he has thought about it more.

    America with everything the way it currently is just seems to be off the table now.

    He will still try to go to Canada but again we can not wait out for that because of the Pandemic it will be 20-26 months of waiting. That seems unreasonable.

    Also there is no guarantee he will get into Canada either. As an American it’s easier for me to go an stay there on a work visa as I am qualified for jobs there and there is a pact between the US and Canada that makes it very easy to do so. Not easy to become a resident or citizen but very easy to stay and work. He must go through an entire process where there is no guarantee.

    I am suffering and I am depressed from more than just this I was having a very hard time. So I asked him if it made sense to keep in touch until the light at the end of the covid tunnel. To just talk as we did before and be there for each other. However, we should consider ourselves open to date and move on as it is so long from now and there are no guarantees. we should treat it as the relationship is over but be there for each other. Neither of us has a desire to date right now but we both expect that we will meet someone new in such a long time frame.

    We had agreed that if we were single and still enjoyed each other we would be open to reuniting in Canada whenever that might be. But we should not hold onto hope for it because everything just seems to be working against us and it’s just such a very long time to wait.

    I brought up keeping in touch. He accepted right away and seemed more anxious than me to fall back into our old ways sending me messages immediately after and while I slept.

    Is this incredibly unhealthy and preventing me from accepting that I most likely need to let go of this person?

    I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. I know that if I cut him off then it is history. I know that if I keep him here the door is still open even if only slightly. I cherish him as a person either way.

     

    #365611
    Michelle
    Participant

    To clarify 20-26 months including the 8 months we have done so far.  But it is still a very long time.

    #365614
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Michelle:

    As I read your recent post I was impressed by how reasonable your thinking is, how clearly you see the situation for what it is.

    “I brought up keeping in touch. He accepted right away and seemed more anxious than me to fall back into our old ways sending me messages immediately after and while I slept. Is this incredibly unhealthy and preventing me from accepting that I most likely need to let go of this person?”-

    – My answer: it seems healthy to me, to want to continue a friendship that has been so beneficial in your life, and in his life. I think it is a wonderful thing that the two of you will continue to communicate as before.

    If you stopped all contact with him, it is likely that you will still hope of resuming contact in the future, if conditions change. Therefore, I see no disadvantage to resuming contact with him now, as long as you can view the future in .. bite size pieces, so to speak, meaning not seeing a forever-after future with him or no future at all, but instead, seeing the future as one day at a time. After all, one day may be all the forever-after future for any of us.

    anita

    #365629
    Michelle
    Participant

    Thank You. Your words always make me feel better Anita. It is hard to keep my focus on the present but I am always trying.

    #365630
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Michelle and thank you for your kind words. Post here anytime you want to, day and night, express yourself. I will read every time you post and reply.

    anita

    #365645
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Michelle, I also admire your pragmatic attitude and wisdom. This is a super hard situation and heart breaking to read your post. Makes me sad because I keep up with the news out of Hong Kong. The political situation is difficult there. Plus the pandemic situation and I don’t know when that will even end. There are many countries who have pledged to be open to HK citizens who immigrate to that country. Mostly British countries & Taiwan, although the US has led the speaking out against the repression and now the oppression of those that want democracy.  I have read interviews from democracy leaders who have gotten out of HK, and they worry about their families back home being targeted. While your love may not be in that category, it sounds like something that many HK people think about. I can see that he worries and hopes – and is caught in a very difficult situation. It is very disappointing for you and him. If the old pattern of communication with him feels too hard now or almost pointless, or you simply want to make a change, it is fine to change. You may need something different and that is okay. I do think there is wisdom in going on and seeking out new social opportunities, as in dating others. You have to decide if the old way of connectional communication feels good or not so good to yourself. I do think that if your goal is to date others, then always being so connected via text as you write, may keep your mind on this one man and not be open to future opportunities. If you are to think this relationship is over, as you say, having more distance in communication may be better for you as it allows your mind to seek others. His friendship has meant a lot to you. It is hard to go from this deep connection to the relationship being over, very sad and difficult. As time goes by, the new normal becomes the old normal and easier and easier because it’s a pattern. When I was dating my now husband and we lived in different cities, we were lucky to see each other once a month as compared to eight months. The first week after our visits were awful, sad, lonely. The next week was easier, I was back to my regular life. The next week was okay but the last week before the weekend visit was loneliness personified and stressful in getting ready for me to travel or him to visit. It was hard but I took it one week at a time. One day at a time. So what I am saying is allow the new normal that works for you to start and become regular. Only you know what is best for you and what feels right to you.

    #365653
    Michelle
    Participant

    Thank you. Yes I know of the pain when leaving your loved ones before the virus we were in that boat. We had left each other three times. We had planned to see each other every 2-3 months until August when he would come. That was taken away from us by the virus.

    While we did in fact break up because the virus because kept us apart For so long. I also learned, yesterday, that it chipped away at his will to come to live in America because the process to move here is so difficult. The current immigration policies has made it more so.

    after meeting with a friend who goes to the school that he was going to attend. I was told that the new students were finding jobs quite quickly so I went back to tell him as that was one of his concerns. But he told me that drive to pursue a green card is no longer there. He said said the distance and such a long time apart has decreased the drive of it. For the amount of time money and effort he needed a very strong drive to do it.

    I understand as I also feel  tired and beaten by the many months we spent yearning to see each other. The ups and downs the glimmers of hope that travel would resume.  Of course my drive was much stronger months ago as well. I feel like if we can not meet and stay together without continuously  being torn apart that I don’t want to do this anymore either. I have grown so tired of the bad feelings that are created after leaving each other and they have been magnified by covid.

    Canada is so much easier to move to without so many hoops once you are in. He can do as he pleases once he is there. He only wants to go Canada now. This is a reasonable decision. Still we agreed if we still like each other and things align once in Canada we would try.
    <p style=”text-align: right;”>As Anita said I would feel that I would want communication if the situation changes.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: right;”>I realize that the chances of my relationship being over forever feel more likely than a reunion. I am still feeling great sadness daily fighting a mental battle between letting go and holding on. I go through phases where I feel selfish and want to walk away simply so that he could miss  me and therefore the situation might change. But then I remember that he has never been more than gentle, kind, caring, and always wanting for me to be ok and happy that I would never want to intentionally cause him pain. My talking to him during this time also helps him get through this as he openly admitted to me  yesterday.

    </p>
    the times we are in are not normal. For that reason it feels acceptable to do what is not normal for me. Everyone’s mental health is so fragile at this time and this break up is not like others I have had. We had no problems and we still make each other happy. I feel like a victim of circumstances. However , now that it is clear that a part of the reason is that he doesn’t feel like fighting as strongly I feel more hurt.  That new information makes me wonder again if I Should I keep the communication as it is?  I know that he would like for me to keep talking to him.

    Unknown future aside I feel sadness talking to him.  I am still crying in the mornings and evenings. I understand my current reality. but I think I would feel greater sadness shutting him out.

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