Forum Replies Created
October 8, 2018 at 9:31 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229877
i know that feeling well. Don’t be afraid, you’re not alone. It’s scary to deal with anxiety, but it’s a feeling, it’s horrible & uncomfortable but it’s a feeling- it can’t hurt you. Say to yourself, ‘ok I hear you anxiety, I’m lonely, that’s ok and natural. This too shall pass’. And it does. Eventually.
I would strongly recommend speaking to a therapist, without mine, I don’t think I would have been able to handle anything. They are a godsend and have helped dozens of people like us, so they know what’s going on.
I’ve had a particularly difficult night twisting and turning with a knot in my stomach. But tomorrow might be better, I hope.
S xOctober 8, 2018 at 12:32 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229813
It sounds like you have stuff you’d like to deal with so good for you. Sounds like you did the right (albeit harrowing) thing for both of you.
Ive been journaling a lot as my creative outlet but most of the time, it’s just rambling circles of nonsense! I’m glad you have a buddy to help you out, I’d be lost without my family & friends.
My anxiety did not hit as bad today but I did have a little panic attack in counselling when I spoke about my ex moving on with someone else.
Life ain’t easy sometimes, for no apparent reason. xOctober 8, 2018 at 11:42 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229789
Your situation sounds painful. Believe me when I say we can appreciate the loss and the pain. It’s hell on Earth but I guess you were right, relationship or strangers is probably the healthiest way to go.
People might think if you’re the one who ended the relationship, that’s you sail off into the sunset on your happy horse. Tbh, I know my ex ended it with me, but he was distraught doing it and I know he gets no great pleasure in us being split up either. But unfortunately we couldn’t stay together as we were and he wasn’t able to move on. So both of us are wrecked.
I guess if you are not ready or want to be in a relationship with him now, have a future with him, it is probably better for him to leave him be, as excruciating as that may be for you.
I completely understand the family ties too, I adored my ex’s family and his mum was especially good to me. In truth I miss them all.
Do you have a breakup buddy you could text when you feel weak? Someone recently told me they had one who they would text each time they felt like texting their ex girlfriend and it worked. The buddy would distract long enough and understood the scenario to get him over the hump of that craving.
@Kkasxo, my therapist told me today I haven’t given up hope which is why I can’t move on. Yet. They explained that I’m not 3 weeks through yet so what I’m feeling is normal and the grief is going to hit me in waves. Also explained that if I got in contact, it would mean that I reached out to try and control something that’s not within my control. He made his decision, if he wanted to change it, he would have contacted me and be with me. I get the logic, the ‘science’ of it I often joke, but still not sinking in. That’s because hope remains, it’s one of the hardest things to accept.
S xOctober 8, 2018 at 9:43 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229749
It is a physical pain, but you can’t locate the source of the wound. I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling low today, that was me yesterday.
Why don’t you think about texting him tomorrow instead. I always think if you plan to make contact, it should be when you’re able and in a better place to deal whatever the response may be. If I’m particularly down, I fear a lacklustre response from him or worse will set me off completely. So I try to wait until better frame of mind. Perhaps the craving will have passed by then.October 8, 2018 at 6:23 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229713
Oh the little things….they’re a killer! In fact, I had some very distressing news from a friend early last week and I was in such shock and upset about it, I picked up the phone to call my ex immediately, not even thinking. I put it down again, but it was a time I really needed him and had to resist. I have heard so many times, including from my therapist that it’s so sad he couldn’t move forward, that he will one day regret it and realised he made the wrong life choices. I think that’s probably true, because I’ve learned so much about how our minds work, I genuinely felt that deep deep down, he wanted the same things as me but was too scared to investigate the prospect because of ties he doesn’t even realise he has.
The fact that he might regret it in 10 or 15 years time, doesn’t really help me now. Although at this moment, it’s probably a better prospect that him sailing off into the sunset living a wonderfully happy life without me!
I’m at the stage where I kind of want to go back to pre-ex times, when I had never fallen for anyone before and knew no different. Ignorance is bliss as they say!
I hope you’re managing your no contact endeavour well. xOctober 8, 2018 at 5:36 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229703
Perhaps what people say is true, that as each day passes with no contact, you tend to get on with your day more and more and less and less distraught moments. I can’t say for sure. I’ve never been through a relationship ending before. Well as I mentioned in previous post, we split up before and I was devastated, but there was a lot more stuff going on with me personally back then that contributed to that level of devastation and I never tried to move on I guess, because we ended up getting back together several months later, despite zero contact for the most part.
This time, I’m afraid, because someone can’t get back in a relationship a second time without everyone (including myself) labeling it as ‘toxic’ or not right and that I’m just settling. I see their point of view, I just wish it were that simple for the brokenhearted. xOctober 8, 2018 at 4:30 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229697
Thanks for the kind advice.
S xOctober 8, 2018 at 3:20 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229681
Kkasxo, I don’t know much about much, but I figure the reason we feel so bad is exactly for that reason. We don’t WANT to move on. I guess you can’t make a person be where they don’t want to be, so it’s a matter of getting there when we get there. I know you saw your future with him, me too, but is it likely now? After all that has happened, with no major change in circumstances in thinking? I’m a total romantic at heart and want the Hollywood ending, but I’ve been trying to bring a bit more realism into my life as each day passes.
I do not want to be without my ex. My life I feel is crappy without him and yes, maybe that says more about me than it does about him. However, whether I saw my entire future with him or not, the situation is as is. It’s not my choice, but there is nothing I can do to change it. He made his decision, I don’t want that decision, but I have no choice in the matter.
Btw, all of the above is written in a lucid moment when the withdrawal has not overcome my brain and heart! In a few hours time, I could very well be singing a different tune! x
@HoneyBlossom I’m sorry to hear you had tough experiences too. I admire your courage in seeking out new relationships and love again despite heartbreak. I fear I am not as strong. I’m totally lost at the moment. Yes you’re right, it could be a self-esteem issue for me too, I am understanding that more and more but sometimes I find it very difficult to focus on anything but him and not myself. I can’t even think about the future at the moment as it causes such pain. So for now, I will continue to work and eat and breathe as best I can. xOctober 8, 2018 at 2:16 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229667
Kkasxo, I’ve lost half stone in two weeks, so I feel your pain. I’m sorry you have that morning pain where you check your phone.
I suppose I still hope he’ll change his mind, but I don’t expect to see a message or anything from him in the mornings so at least that roller-coaster is something I can avoid.
If I take a higher more distant look at it, I see the perspective that it’s been 17 days, of course it seems natural to feel how I’m feeling right now. However, that 17 days has felt like 17 months and the idea of trying to even get to 6 months seems insurmountable. Then there is the part of me that can’t let go, that I don’t WANT to be 6 months down the road away from him.
It’s tough. Let’s keep telling ourselves positive things to try and trick our brains, positive mental attitude an all that jazz!
S xOctober 8, 2018 at 12:22 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229663
Thanks for that link, it seems Bubba has been having a tough 18 months. I’m not even on 18 days yet, so I can’t imagine how I’m going to suffer this for months.
Anger might have helped me move forward, but unfortunately I can’t be mad at him at all. He’s kind, sweet and caring and while he ended the relationship to make life more comfortable for himself, I suspect he feels he did it for me too so that he wouldn’t continue to not live up to my hopes etc.
My tummy is like a washing machine the whole time and I have no interest in trying to make myself up, just enough self-care to get me to work everyday is about all I can manage right now.
S xOctober 8, 2018 at 12:01 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229661
Thanks so much for your post. I’m sorry after 3 months you are not feeling much better, I may be in the same position in a couple of months too. Rationally and logically I know my ex tried to move forward but just wasn’t able. But my heart fights with me the whole time, constantly wanting to understand why he couldn’t just take the steps, or work on himself so he would eventually be able to take the steps. The fact you have not contacted your ex girlfriend since you split shows incredible self-restraint and you are a stronger person than I.
My relationship was almost 4 years long so I’m hoping it won’t take 2 to get over it. The sleeping is also a problem for me too, but I have not had to resort to any medication to aid sleep just yet, hopefully that will continue and I will eventually get back into a sleeping pattern naturally.
I’m sorry for your heartache Tom, I completely understand.October 7, 2018 at 12:27 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229585
I’m fine in terms of contacting him this eve. It just happens that way, I guess grief comes in waves, tomorrow morning I will probably be back to the suffering, heartache & anxiety again, but I am grateful for a reprieve when I get it.
I do believe I did everything I could to make the relationship flourish, so at least I don’t blame myself too much, however, that doesn’t stop me thinking I could come up with another idea that might change his mind. Trying to control the uncontrollable ?
I think I’m in trouble on Sundays, I find I’m really at a loss & dwell much more on things in my head.
Thanks for your updates and support, it is such an isolating lonely experience, that’s it nice to know someone else understands the pain.
Is there anyone on these forums who has experienced what we are experiencing who posted here months ago and is now in a better place? Any advice gratefully received.
s xOctober 7, 2018 at 9:29 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229541
Fair play to you. That’s incredible progress for someone who is bereft and heartbroken. One days progress is an achievement, not to mention a few days.
I guess I feel the same, I hate the world I’m in right now but a teeny tiny part of me does hold on to the assurance from others including my therapist, that I’m making progress, so it’s that tiny chink of hope for that- in other words not wanting to have to redo the last 17days that has kept me from the edge of contacting him. I’m not strong – I’m just petrified of more pain!
The trick I’m using to prevent contact is to say to myself, the option is always there, but I don’t think I’ll bother today, maybe tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and I do the same. So it doesn’t seem cold turkey, it just seems it’s untol tomorrow!October 7, 2018 at 8:13 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229521
Work for the first 4-5hours is not exactly thrilling, but at the same time, it gives me a reason to get up each morning, which I’m told will help prevent me slipping into depression. So I do it. I’m finding when I have a day off, the anxiety and heartbreak is much worse.
As I posted this morning, I was in a dire frame of mind, had almost given up and was about to contact him. Could barely do the grocery shopping. For some reason that has lifted now, I’m not as bad this afternoon. This is what happens, mornings are always the worst. I feel I am not able to cope and as the day wears on, more often than not, the fog is not as thick.
I always want to contact him but at times like this morning, it almost seems too much a temptation to bear. Whereas now I can resist it more. I don’t expect to hear from him so I’m not always checking my phone. Overall I would love to hear from him but at a minute level, I don’t expect to hour to hour.
Would you consider no contact for a week. See how you get on? You don’t have to do it long term if you don’t like, but might be worth a try and see how much you can resist the drug! Anyway, I know what it’s like so I’m not advising you to do anything, just a thought. Option is always there to resume contact if you want.
S xOctober 7, 2018 at 5:36 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #229501
The thing that’s killing me is that we loved each other too. Despite him being unable to say the words, I knew. The breakup is no doubt killing him too but he got to the stage where he thought it was the right thing.
Its a pity my head wouldn’t tell my heart that, because I’m truly lost without him. I just did some grocery shopping and there was a long queue and I nearly abandoned my shopping trolley and ran out of the store in pieces.