Forum Replies Created
January 18, 2020 at 7:29 am #334107
The purpose for which we are here is to learn the lessons of love and those lessons can be very painful. Some souls choose a more difficult path than others, some choose to remain closed off from spiritual awareness and others, perhaps like yourself, choose to enlighten others. Not everyone has the inner strength to overcome the difficulties they encounter which is why so many people feel the need to end their lives. They do not know how to value themselves, they have never been taught that they have a value. Everything must come from within. Only when you have learned to love yourself, can you truly love others.
I believe that we are all connected to each other through the Earth and other planets that we share, through the air that we breathe, through the common thread of humanity and our very nature. It is far too complex to decipher what each one of us has to teach another and we should, therefore, stay as far away from judgement as we can. We may be living those lives that we have judged others for one day.
Thank you for such a great post.
PeggyJanuary 16, 2020 at 11:55 am #333905
This sounds like a dreadful start to your life, very harsh. Parents should be there to protect their children as far as possible and yours have failed miserably at that. First of all you need to give the blame back to the people it belongs to – that is any abuser you have ever met. Your turning point seems to have happened when you became sole carer for your own children.
You need to begin by building your own self esteem, find your own worth. Little by little, beat away depressing thoughts. You don’t need them. Every time you find a negative thought popping into your head, replace it with a positive thought. Give your children lots of praise and encouragement. In some small way, this will heal a part of you.
Writing and art can both be therapeutic. You can write letters to the people that have abused you, not with the intention of sending them, but just so that you can burn them, release them into the Universe and move on from them. This can be very cleansing.
Unfortunately, I don’t think I have your full post but I hope some of the above will be helpful to you.
May I send my healing light and love to you.
With best wishes
PeggyJanuary 16, 2020 at 11:36 am #333895
Everyone has emotions. When someone does not express their emotions, they go inwards and begin to cause problems such as depression. Encourage your boyfriend to talk as much as he can – you’ll be able to tell through his voice whether he is happy, joyful and loving which is fine. When you pick up those other vibes, just say so. If you are sensing sadness or anger, say so.
Also, if you talk about your own emotions, he will receive the cue from you that it is OK to express yourself (himself) in that way.
It may take a while before he trusts you enough to open up, but if you care for him enough, you’ll be able to stay the course.
PeggyJanuary 16, 2020 at 11:00 am #333883
Friendships come and go. They are transient. They are subject to circumstance and change. Your last post to Inky suggests that you have come to recognize this and, even though you may have had a parting of the ways, you can take nurture from this experience and friendship that at first glance seemed so negative.
I hope that you continue to grow with spiritual awareness and meet lots of like minded people who will encourage you in your pursuits.
Happy New Year.
PeggyJanuary 15, 2020 at 8:28 am #333595
It really sounds as if this situation has blown up because anger was involved. It must have hurt your friend when you said you wanted to disappear because you had stopped valuing the friendship. This is rejection. He then took action which hurt you and then you took further action which hurt him. As your communication links have been blocked it is difficult for you both to resurrect this friendship. I don’t know if you have any opportunities to socialize with him in a group setting but I really feel that you need to find a way to apologize for your behaviour. If this isn’t possible perhaps you could post a card through his door which simply says “Sorry”. You will then have taken responsibility for the part you played in the argument. Keep it simple.
The reason that this is weighing on you is because you are giving “the problem” your focus. If you aim at looking for a solution, you may find yourself becoming lighter again. It may be that you have to let this friendship go and give more attention to the friends that you do still have. You could learn from this incident and hold back from messaging people when you are angry.
You might also ask yourself whether it is true that you always make assumptions and whether or not you need to examine your viewpoint on life. Are his criticisms valid? Are these areas that you would want to change?
First and foremost, give yourself the care that you so desire by reminding yourself that you are loved and indulge yourself with your favourite treats.
I hope this helps.
PeggyDecember 26, 2019 at 10:31 am #329575
If you create your art or writing just for the fun of it, then you cannot be classed as a failure. It’s just fun. You may have failed at completing the task but that doesn’t make you, the person, a failure. Did you ever get to learn the piano? If not, perhaps you could start there. You don’t need to justify why you want to learn the piano or why you enjoy art. That is just the way you are. It is all part of your uniqueness. Accepting that you can chose your own hobbies and that you don’t need your parents’ permission is all part of the growing process. Pick up one of those stories, re-read it as far as you have got, then just write anything down that comes into your head. It doesn’t matter if it’s nonsensical – just let the words flow.
PeggyDecember 26, 2019 at 10:13 am #329571
If you really do feel suicidal then you need to seek professional help. Your doctor may be able to prescribe antidepressants and recommend other therapies. You have your sister to help you. Perhaps it would have been your anniversary but that hasn’t happened. It’s easy to feel emotional at Christmas. It happens to the best of us.
You are not a failure just because one relationship didn’t work out. Two people didn’t make this relationship work. You need to work on your self-belief, self-esteem, self worth. Learn to love yourself. Take this failed relationship and use it as a springboard to create a better future for yourself. Tell yourself how brilliant you are and list all your good qualities or the good deeds you do for others. What did you love to do as a child that you may have neglected as an adult. Bring these things back into being and move forward with a positive frame of mind. Counteract every negative thought by replacing it with a positive thought. Make your mind up that you are going to have a very happy new year and begin today to create that.
With best wishes
PeggyDecember 26, 2019 at 9:18 am #329565
No-one likes to have their heart broken but it happens to nearly everyone. Those people just weren’t right for you and if you hang in there someone better will come along. Everyone is worthy of love. You’ve been loved before and you will be loved again. Work on loving yourselves and count all the many blessings you already have in your life. Comparisons are a waste of time. You don’t have to put yourself out there and on-line dating isn’t compulsory. You meet people every day of your life in all sorts of situations. Engage with your own interests, join with other people who share those interests, get creative and have fun. The New Year is a great opportunity for you to reinvent yourself. Love those women you can become with a little effort.
PeggyOctober 18, 2019 at 6:11 am #318523
You have some issues with your self esteem if you are turning down dates because you think that when a guy gets to know the real you, he’ll be disappointed. He says he’s having relationship issues with his girlfriend. This guy is part of this relationship and if he doesn’t believe in relationships any more, then he doesn’t believe in himself.
If you get the chance, it’s quite in order for you to say that you don’t want him flirting with you while he’s still with his girlfriend. Also, avoid him when he is drunk. Getting drunk on a frequent basis is a sign that he is not handling his own issues very appropriately.
There is no reason for you to leave the group unless you are feeling uncomfortable in this situation. If it really does depress you, then leave the group. You can leave him your number should he ever want to contact you.
PeggyOctober 18, 2019 at 5:56 am #318517
Thank you for your reply. I hope you follow through on some of my suggestions. Lack of self esteem is not a condition. It can be eradicated really simply. You need to identify all the good things there are about you and then you need to tell yourself over and over again. Sit quietly whilst you go through your list of “I am ………………….(insert positive word). Pause between each statement that you make about yourself. Really take it into your abdomen – let it go to the core of yourself.
You will find under the ‘Fun’ Section of this Forum, the kind of things others are able to say about themselves. As long as you feel that the words you use about yourself are true, then this will have an amazing effect upon you.
Your situation feels catastrophic at the moment because you are looking at the whole thing. If you divide this up into small pieces, you will find that it is much easier to deal with.
You can come through this being much stronger than you ever thought possible.
All the Best
PeggyOctober 17, 2019 at 8:50 am #318393
Your boyfriend isn’t in a place where he can be your rock. That requires a totally secure person, which he is not. Your boyfriend’s drinking is his go-to therapy when he needs to deal with his anger. The act of going into therapy means that old stuff is going to be churned up and continues to be churned up between sessions whilst our brains try and sort out the scrambled mess. There is a difference between arguing and discussing. The same buttons are still being pressed. There is no magic wand that puts people or relationships right when they have gone wrong.
For the time being, I would accept this break-up as being for the best and continue with the counselling sessions. Stand back from all that has happened and focus on yourself. The right counsellor should explore the many different elements your post contains and help you work through your feelings.
It would be good if you could return to work as soon as possible as it will give you less time to dwell on this break-up. Do all you can to relax with soothing music, pamper baths, aromatherapy oils, candles and even fresh flowers.
I hope you can find some happiness soon.
PeggyOctober 17, 2019 at 8:26 am #318387
Forget the guilt trip – this relationship is over. Every time communication dries up, the relationship ends. Currently, he’s punishing you and you mistakenly believe that you deserve it. You need to break out of this deadlock. You hold all the power. You can do the decent thing and give him a month’s written notice to leave and if he doesn’t comply then get the locks changed while he is out and tell him to find a new hotel, yours is no longer open for business. Fill old suitcases with his clothes and call a taxi.
Just because you’ve worked on changing doesn’t mean that he will like you any better. This is frequently the time when you have to let the old go and welcome in the new. Deep down inside you know this is over so why prolong the agony.
PeggyOctober 16, 2019 at 12:57 am #318097
Dominance and depression go hand in hand. Your natural will has been suppressed. Dominance is frequently seen as a sign of strength but it is really a sign of weakness. Your parents are weak. Are you able to take a weekend break? Being away from the situation even for a short time may give you time to reflect on what really matters to you. Book a retreat if you can which focuses on finding the inner you. There are all sorts of things that you can do which you don’t even need to discuss with your parents. Join some groups – cookery, arts and crafts, literature, photography, yoga, walking. Your parents can’t have your power if you don’t give it to them. Resolve to stop giving your power away. Take assertiveness training. Update your career skills. Become employable. Volunteer your services in an area that interests you – gain experience.
House sitting, dog walking, after school childcare, cleaning private houses – all valuable services to someone and in great demand. They just require you to be honest, trustworthy and reliable. There is always a way forward.
PeggyOctober 16, 2019 at 12:28 am #318095
Thank you for your kind response. It’s always good to be appreciated. Thank you too, Valora, for your support.
PeggyOctober 15, 2019 at 1:02 am #317907
Step 1. Delay your marriage.
Step 2. Learn to communicate more effectively.
You say that you have had stormy times, ups and downs, yet you have only been together 2.5 years. This means that you are both fighting for power in this relationship.
Step 3. Accept that parents create problems.
Your mother was suicidal – chronically depressed and, unfortunately, we learn patterns of behavior during childhood. She was rejecting her life and all that was in it, including you. Our parents are our role models on whom we are dependent. Your father rejected you as soon as you reached puberty. The fact that you rejected his ways through rebellion is just what teenagers do. It’s part of the growing process – finding your own way.
Your loss of interest and boredom in your life indicates that you are mildly depressed. It’s OK to feel like this for a week or two, but if it goes on for months then it becomes a problem. If you dwell on your problem, then it will loom larger, if you focus on the solution then you will be taking control of the situation. Your feelings for your boyfriend are still there so keep focusing on those. Mentally send love out to your boyfriend and then send that same love back to yourself. Do this several times during the day whenever you think of it.
Boredom means that you are not incorporating things into your life that matter to you. Find your passion. What do you love to do? Where are your strengths? Find out what interests you and put your energies into it.
What I am saying is that you need to uproot all the negative messages received during childhood and replace them with positive messages by building on your own self worth – those negative messages are beneath the surface in your subconscious memory but are having a major impact on you now. Bring them into your consciousness and see them for what they are. They don’t belong to you, they’ve been given to you by your parents. You are quite entitled to give them back to the people they belong to as you don’t need them any more.
With best wishes.