Forum Replies Created
October 17, 2019 at 8:50 am #318393
Your boyfriend isn’t in a place where he can be your rock. That requires a totally secure person, which he is not. Your boyfriend’s drinking is his go-to therapy when he needs to deal with his anger. The act of going into therapy means that old stuff is going to be churned up and continues to be churned up between sessions whilst our brains try and sort out the scrambled mess. There is a difference between arguing and discussing. The same buttons are still being pressed. There is no magic wand that puts people or relationships right when they have gone wrong.
For the time being, I would accept this break-up as being for the best and continue with the counselling sessions. Stand back from all that has happened and focus on yourself. The right counsellor should explore the many different elements your post contains and help you work through your feelings.
It would be good if you could return to work as soon as possible as it will give you less time to dwell on this break-up. Do all you can to relax with soothing music, pamper baths, aromatherapy oils, candles and even fresh flowers.
I hope you can find some happiness soon.
PeggyOctober 17, 2019 at 8:26 am #318387
Forget the guilt trip – this relationship is over. Every time communication dries up, the relationship ends. Currently, he’s punishing you and you mistakenly believe that you deserve it. You need to break out of this deadlock. You hold all the power. You can do the decent thing and give him a month’s written notice to leave and if he doesn’t comply then get the locks changed while he is out and tell him to find a new hotel, yours is no longer open for business. Fill old suitcases with his clothes and call a taxi.
Just because you’ve worked on changing doesn’t mean that he will like you any better. This is frequently the time when you have to let the old go and welcome in the new. Deep down inside you know this is over so why prolong the agony.
PeggyOctober 16, 2019 at 12:57 am #318097
Dominance and depression go hand in hand. Your natural will has been suppressed. Dominance is frequently seen as a sign of strength but it is really a sign of weakness. Your parents are weak. Are you able to take a weekend break? Being away from the situation even for a short time may give you time to reflect on what really matters to you. Book a retreat if you can which focuses on finding the inner you. There are all sorts of things that you can do which you don’t even need to discuss with your parents. Join some groups – cookery, arts and crafts, literature, photography, yoga, walking. Your parents can’t have your power if you don’t give it to them. Resolve to stop giving your power away. Take assertiveness training. Update your career skills. Become employable. Volunteer your services in an area that interests you – gain experience.
House sitting, dog walking, after school childcare, cleaning private houses – all valuable services to someone and in great demand. They just require you to be honest, trustworthy and reliable. There is always a way forward.
PeggyOctober 16, 2019 at 12:28 am #318095
Thank you for your kind response. It’s always good to be appreciated. Thank you too, Valora, for your support.
PeggyOctober 15, 2019 at 1:02 am #317907
Step 1. Delay your marriage.
Step 2. Learn to communicate more effectively.
You say that you have had stormy times, ups and downs, yet you have only been together 2.5 years. This means that you are both fighting for power in this relationship.
Step 3. Accept that parents create problems.
Your mother was suicidal – chronically depressed and, unfortunately, we learn patterns of behavior during childhood. She was rejecting her life and all that was in it, including you. Our parents are our role models on whom we are dependent. Your father rejected you as soon as you reached puberty. The fact that you rejected his ways through rebellion is just what teenagers do. It’s part of the growing process – finding your own way.
Your loss of interest and boredom in your life indicates that you are mildly depressed. It’s OK to feel like this for a week or two, but if it goes on for months then it becomes a problem. If you dwell on your problem, then it will loom larger, if you focus on the solution then you will be taking control of the situation. Your feelings for your boyfriend are still there so keep focusing on those. Mentally send love out to your boyfriend and then send that same love back to yourself. Do this several times during the day whenever you think of it.
Boredom means that you are not incorporating things into your life that matter to you. Find your passion. What do you love to do? Where are your strengths? Find out what interests you and put your energies into it.
What I am saying is that you need to uproot all the negative messages received during childhood and replace them with positive messages by building on your own self worth – those negative messages are beneath the surface in your subconscious memory but are having a major impact on you now. Bring them into your consciousness and see them for what they are. They don’t belong to you, they’ve been given to you by your parents. You are quite entitled to give them back to the people they belong to as you don’t need them any more.
With best wishes.
PeggyOctober 13, 2019 at 11:38 pm #317677
I’m glad you are able to see things more clearly now.
Good Luck for the future.
PeggyOctober 13, 2019 at 11:33 pm #317675
As much as you might have regrets, you have cheated on your boyfriend and trust has been destroyed. It may have been years ago but your boyfriend hasn’t forgiven you for it. His words are saying that he wants to move on but his actions are saying he wants to stay. He even wants to sleep in the same bed as you – the punishment is he doesn’t want to be intimate with you. He becomes moody if you ask him to sleep elsewhere. There are reasons why you cheated and I don’t see this as a one way street – it indicates that there were problems with the relationship way back when. Perhaps he is not ready, nor ever will be, to acknowledge the root cause. Perhaps you haven’t even discussed it.
Is your apartment rented or owned by you. If it is rented, then give your landlord notice and find somewhere else to live. If you own it, then give your boyfriend notice and find him somewhere else to live. If he refuses, then consult a solicitor and see what your rights are.
Refuse to be drawn into guilt trips. As Aiko said, if you really wanted to live separate lives then you would make it happen.
PeggyOctober 13, 2019 at 11:13 pm #317671
Thank you for your reply. You are wrong when you say that it doesn’t affect my answers. Clearly it does.
Should you leave for Ireland and a job opportunity which you think can support you? If you do that, will he object? Will your relationship survive? What if the job opportunities in Ireland keep coming? Would that affect how long you would stay in Ireland? What if you meet someone new in Ireland? Are you intending to remain exclusive to married with kids bf? How long do you have to decide on Ireland? Is it better to go with a definite offer now or a much vaguer hope of supporting yourself in Croatia?
Who knows what will happen now? You are the one that knows what will happen. What are you waiting for – a green light? You are the one that creates your life the way you want it. Perhaps you need to seek out a life coach who can help you decide on your direction in life and then help you get there.
Here’s my life coach decision. Take the job in Ireland. Tell your boyfriend that you consider yourself free to embark on other relationships and wish him luck in his life choices. Basically, you have all the power to do exactly as you please, he has none.
Don’t let this opportunity pass you by.
PeggyOctober 13, 2019 at 12:53 am #317551
Congratulations for being brave enough to make the changes and for coming so far. When you change, the people around you change. The people who used to be your friends (friends with the old you) no longer hold the same appeal. This is all part of the process and I agree with Anita when she says that this is easier done when alone than when facing the added challenges that exist within relationships.
I can’t tell you how long it will take for you to form new friendships but I can tell you that you will be more open to attract positive, supportive people to you than you have been in the past. The Universe has a way of bringing to us what or who we need at any given moment in time. Join groups that support subjects that you are interested in which might relate to personal development and awareness, or could be totally unrelated. Friendships will develop naturally where common interest is involved.
Once again, congratulations for coming this far.
PeggyOctober 13, 2019 at 12:34 am #317549
You’d been together for a year, it’s your Anniversary except that she has broken up with you through jealousy of you talking to someone else. This is not a woman worth knowing especially as she is taking revenge by going off with her ex boyfriend. If she has suicidal tendencies then she needs to be seeking professional help.
You say that you have a great room mate – does he have any friends that you could perhaps be introduced to? Is there a counselor within the University that you could discuss your concerns with? You are away from home and you are finding it difficult to adjust to City life. Is it easy for you to visit your family during holidays or even weekends.
It sounds to me as if you are expecting far too much of yourself. Changes happen gradually – the transition from child to adult takes years. Taking responsibility for yourself means taking responsibility for your own success as well as for your own failures. You are finding University hard and you already feel as if you are failing. You are sharing the Course with other people and they are all going to be focusing on whether or not they will make the grade. You are not alone in this. This is a natural concern. It is just as easy to aim for success as it is to aim for failure. Aim to succeed and you will. Tell yourself every morning that you aim to succeed and it will happen. Develop a positive, mental attitude. This will help you in all areas of your life.
Aim to succeed, Daniel, aim to succeed.
PeggyOctober 13, 2019 at 12:03 am #317545
Thank you for your support – your above post also hi-lights what really matters in my opinion.
I want to send you a big thank you for reminding me of the day I was compared to a celebrity. I was spending some time at the seaside with my fiance, messing around in the sea, and as I was walking back to the shore, he said “You look like Ursula Andress (the famous scene from the James Bond movie). I’m sure she’d be eating her heart out if she knew. I hadn’t spent hours in make-up, gone through countless rehearsals, there were no clever camera tricks and no physical aids other than the bikini I was wearing. (I’m not deluded enough to think that I actually look like, or ever looked like, Ursula but the memory made me smile).
PeggyOctober 11, 2019 at 9:45 pm #317415
Thank you for expressing your heart felt gratitude. I have a feeling that you’ll be just fine.
All the Best
PeggyOctober 11, 2019 at 9:35 pm #317413
A couple of days ago walking away wasn’t something that you wanted to do. Suddenly, you have manifested a job opportunity in Ireland and an end to the relationship. Overnight, really?
People blank you when they don’t like what you are saying. I don’t know about you but I’m moving on.
PeggyOctober 11, 2019 at 9:18 pm #317411
Perhaps there’s something wrong with me but I am looking at this entirely from a different perspective than most others seem to have adopted.
1) A comment made about a celebrity is not a comment made about you – forget it, not important.
2) Baldness is frequently seen as a symbol of virility – some men deliberately shave their heads – is this a problem?
3) You have apparently bagged a more attractive partner than yourself – swell your chest, you lucky buzzard.
The answers are all there. You are just looking in the wrong place for them. Do you think all those wizened 70/80 year old celebrities with the half aged beauty on their arm have really attracted their partners through looks. No. Of course not. They have compensating factors called money and fame. If that’s what floats your boat…….
I suggest you locate a copy of the film “The Full Monty”, one of the best films ever made in my opinion. None of the stars are drop-dead gorgeous – just a bunch of ordinary looking men coming in all sorts of shapes and sizes with all sorts of hang-ups. What you need is a change in your perceptions and it could be just the film to do it for you. Enjoy.
PeggyOctober 10, 2019 at 10:13 pm #317281
Perhaps if you began recreating some of the things that you had in Spain you would be feeling the loss less severely. There are several rambling associations in England that you could join and there are also opportunities to teach English in England. There are spiritual organizations in every town. There are also friendship organizations. Book Clubs are springing up all over the place. There are college courses on all manner of subjects that you could enrol for. It’s all there if you look for it.
You say that you had a breakdown in June and came back to the UK to recover. Are you seeing a Doctor or Psychiatrist? Have you been prescribed medication? Did you come back to be with your family during this time or did you stay elsewhere initially?
I’m sorry to hear that your grandmother is sick and also that you need surgery which is causing you angst. Perhaps when this is out of the way, you will be able to move forward in a more positive frame of mind.
You don’t need to say goodbye to your old life, you just need to recognize that something will have changed when you go back. You can just see this is a temporary separation whilst you improve your job prospects or whilst you finish your novel and become a bestseller. The best advice I can give to you is to stay busy and focus on your on-going achievements instead of any perceived failures from the past.
With best wishes