Home→Forums→Relationships→Someone called me ugly and my gf agreed (indirectly)
- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 6 days ago by Peggy.
February 25, 2023 at 9:40 am #415724Anon765Participant
I’m a woman as well.
<p class=”_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM”>Despite her saying it was a joke or whatever, I feel so mad! I know I’m not attractive or beautiful but then being told about your flaws and then the one person you thought might be above and beyond this BS and standards confirms them all!</p>
<p class=”_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM”>Idk what the question is! I guess Im just meant to be forever alone! Thank you God, and genetics!</p>February 26, 2023 at 9:48 am #415806RobertaParticipant
How hurtful that someone made a snap judgement and verbalized it out loud.
As for your GF maybe she was gob smacked by the other person’s statement about you, or did not feel confident/brave enough to contradict in a quick and appropriate way. Were you there?February 26, 2023 at 9:27 pm #415878Anon765Participant
Actually, the other person told me first. And I was telling my girlfriend when she basically agreed.February 27, 2023 at 10:09 am #415885RobertaParticipant
Do you feel that this lack of empathy episode was a one off or is it part of a pattern and did it rock the foundations of your relationship?March 9, 2023 at 5:21 pm #416080StoutHeartedMenParticipant
I am very sad to hear that happened to you. I had to reply to this topic because I was, just a minute ago, confronting this same negative core belief about myself! (Holding on to the belief that I am ugly as opposed to the belief I am beautiful/handsome/gorgeous.) Thank you for sharing your story here.
If you feel comfortable, can you please state the specific sentences in a dialogue conversation? I ask this because, as of right now, what was said is quite vague and open to interpretation. Sharing the specific words may alleviate your burden because we can unpack them and understand what exactly happened here.
I was struck by when you said “I know I’m not attractive or beautiful.” What do these words “attractive” and “beauitful” mean to you? They mean different things to different people. For example, I consider gray/white hair and a very skinny body in a man beautiful but not all men strive to look like this. Since you say you ‘know’ you are not these things, how did you find out this information? Did someone tell you, or did you infer this from previous situations or relationships? When was the earliest moment you remember ‘learning’ this? I’m stealing the last question from this post:
I also notice that you have a girlfriend, and yet you say you are “meant to be forever alone.” By the way, not all of us are so lucky…I am single, in contrast!🤣 Do you agree that there is some cognitive dissonance happening here, to claim being alone despite someone being romantically involved with you? I wonder, is there an assumption that your girlfriend will leave you? I believe this negative self-talk is contradicting what is happening to you in reality; therefore I believe it may be your own mind giving you a specific narrative that fits a “story” from your past. When my brain does this, it’s because it wants to avoid getting hurt the same way twice. So it keeps me safe by presenting a “movie” of past abandonments. For example I subconciously assume women I date will emotionally abuse me in similar ways to my sister, and I expect my sister’s behavior even though this person obviously isn’t her! I get so into this “movie” that I react to the past and can’t see the person I’m with. What do you think?
Thank you again for sharing this sensitive moment and hoping to hear from you soon.❤️March 9, 2023 at 5:24 pm #416081StoutHeartedMenParticipant
Oops, just realized the link didn’t paste. Here’s the post I was referring to at the end of my third paragraph.
Thanks again and hope to hear back.March 14, 2023 at 3:55 am #416281PeggyParticipant
Consider that the person who felt it necessary to make negative comments about your looks has a serious problem. As someone else said, we each have our own perception of beauty etc. Your girlfriend was attracted to you. Why? Explore this with her. It’s far more important to have an attractive personality. That comes from within. Being kind, loving, loyal, humorous, thoughtful are far more important qualities to me in a partner than ‘ideal’ looks. Sharing the same values is also important in maintaining a close and strong bond. Don’t give up on love just because someone made a cruel comment.