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Roberta

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #400743
    Roberta
    Participant

    Hi Matilda

    I hope that you have had a pleasant week and that your heart/head space is feeling a bit more up beat.

    I will be 60 this year and I looked after both my parents for 5 years. Mum died at the end of August last year & Dad had to go into full time care because of his dementia. I felt rudderless, not sure how to full embrace this next step of my journey especially since Covid restrictions mean that my go to place is still closed and having to work to help pay household and care fees means I can’t travel further affield or take an extended break especially since Dad still enjoys seeing me.

    Please reach out and let us know that you are ok

     

    #400300
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Nicolle

    I agree with Anita trying a website that is at least on the surface is trying to match people who purport to have an interest in say Christianity should weed out some of the more undesirable aspects of on line dating.

    Can I ask did you try these other websites after Anita suggested Christian Mingle? or before?

    Many years ago I did try a website which I won’t name but from the title it had a spiritual aspect to it – the questions and parameters seemed good.  I put my age range as 5 years either side of my own ( I was 50). There were hundreds of photos of men in my preferred age range and I noticed that somehow I could spot a certain type of consistency where men were looking for women who were wanting petite, blonde and in their 20’s ! I soon got bored. So I wish you all the best in your search.

    Regards Roberta

    #400181
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Matilda

    I hear your pain, frustration & loneliness.  You have dedicated much of your life to looking after others & somewhere along the way you lost yourself.

    What were your dreams? Where did you used to find joy before you became a full time carer?

    Are there any volunteering opportunities where you live?

    I get an email each day from the Daily Good. It has a quote which if it strikes a cord I like to copy it out neatly, sometimes I write them on a stone and leave them in a public place. it has an article to read and also a suggestion for something to do.  It gave me something to look forward to each day when I was sad & directionless.

    If you go for a walk and see some one your age smile & say hello they too maybe would like to have a friend.

    Best wishes

    Roberta

    #397757
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Girija

    Good morning. I am no scholar, but i do ponder . A some what vulgar phrase is “Shit happens – its what we do with it that counts” Something bad happens we can choose to react or respond, often the reaction is anger either towards  some one else or internalizing it in on ourselves, a response that is both wise and compassionately thought thru with the right motivation is empowering, but for most people do not realise that they have a choice and so stay on autopilot of reaction.

    I went to a zen teaching on rebirth (wheel of life) and he used the analogy of our own lives to help see the rebirth in the different realms is happening even  within this life cycle.  ie Some days everything is easy and it all falls into place that is like the god realm, yet another day everything you touch falls apart and life is painful – Hell realm .  in fact look at any day and we humans can cycle

    thru many if not all the realms. My body is not the same one I had yesterday, cells have died and new ones are born yet what I did yesterday, the food I ate, the exercise I did impacts on or is part of the body that I have today.

     

    #397691
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Girija

    1 Maybe dont think of it as spiritual, just have curiosity about how your mind works and be gentle on yourself think of it as an experiment that takes a lot of the pressure off

    2 I as many people find inspiration & answers in many different quarters, yes a lot of mine are buddhist teachers and as I get to know myself better I know which teacher I go to listen to on youtube suits my need/mood at that moment. So here are a couple Sravasti Abbey especially Bodisattva Breakfast Club mainly women talking about the dharma and how it connects to their lives – a good way to start the day especially since I have been unable visit to my monastery for nearly 7 years due to looking after parents and covid. Ajhan Brahamn is good when I need a light touch he tells jokes and stories alot. When I need my ass kicking then a good dose of Robina Courtin normally does the trick. Many of my friends really connect with Pema Chodrens style of teaching, I enjoyed her books. Eckart Tolle insights into what he calls the ‘pain body’ has really helped me understand what sometimes arises in me and others.

    James Redfield Celestian Prophesies was the first book that got me thinking about life and the way I was perusing happiness

    The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama was one of the first buddhist books I came across was so impressed I got copies for my sons as well as friends.

    When I got more serious about things I did along distance study with Sravasti Abbey (SAFE)

    3 Depending on your belief system – long and short term happiness/ suffering  will have a different timescale ie if you believe in only this one life then longterm is what 70 to 100 years , but if you believe in the cycle of rebirth then it takes on a whole different meaning. Like whenever I get disheartened which is not often then I think what all the previous me’s went through so that I get a precious human life this time round and since I spent at least the first 40 years of this life blundering around  looking for happiness in fairly unskillfull ways the best thing I can do is not squander this amazing opportunity and hopefully in the next go around I will be in contact with the dharma much earlier on and my wisdom and compassion grow.

    4 I personally find great joy whilst walking the spiritual path especially since most of the time I try not  to take myself too seriously, I take pleasure in the simple things, can see some beauty almost anywhere, a simple & slower  pace of life helps

    I hope this may be of use to you

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    #397552
    Roberta
    Participant

    Hi Brian

    Instead of the stock phrases ( social niceties) what would you use as an “icebreaker”?

    I remember going to a store ( I was on holiday in the USA) and my purchases were all medicinal I had a chest infection my husband heat issues and my children chicken pox and to be told “have a nice day” was incongruous!

    Smiling and eye contact and an easy open body stance send the right signals to the other person along with a compliment or observation that shows that you have actually seen them as an individual.

    We can have many pleasant interacts throughout the day and just enjoy that fleeting moment of connection

    #397472
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Girija

    In answer to your question what is dharma?

    I guess the stock answer would be the teachings of the buddha and subsequent commentaries. it has been described as the Buddha is the doctor the dharma is the medicine and the sangha are the nurses.

    But for me it is more like the truth and in the same way that there is not a buddhist gravity, a christian gravity and a different gravity for muslims, so anything that helps me understand the nature of the mind and how to live a gentler more caring way.

    Not all truths are easy to understand and some can be quite painful but it does not mean giving up exploring for answers and so far the teachings of the Buddha have been a good & wise friend to me when I put them into practice.

     

    #397409
    Roberta
    Participant

    Hi Jo

    Like Helcat, I think you have been wonderfully supportive to your son and doing the right things. I see you have him helping out around the house, if you have a garden then being outside close to earth can be therapeutic. There’s a great documentary on earthing/grounding on youtube which both of you might enjoy.

    Sometimes it is hard for a child to open up to a parent but they may have a go to relative like a favourite aunt or uncle or grandparent. Its not that the parent is doing anything wrong it just feels easier. My son would go for  a drive with his grandmother and just sit and watch the sea together, no pressure just gentle company. I had a favourite uncle in my teen years ( he was the black sheep of the family) and in my 30′ s I became close to my gran but it did not mean that I stopped loving my parents.

    You probably spent years nurturing and protecting him as he grew up and it is painful to watch your child suffer and all you want is to help them feel good. If we could only take a lump of happiness from our hearts and place it in theirs!

    #397404
    Roberta
    Participant

    Hi Zeha

    Please can I ask what made you choose that particular course?

    What kind of job are you/ your family expecting you to get at the end of it?

    Is it the kind of job/career that really sings to your heart?

    Would you be able to defer for a year to give you some kind of head/heart space if there was not the option to change to another course that is more to your liking?

     

    My son decided not to go to University because as he said to me he did not have a strong calling to anything, he would just be going to Uni for the sake of going to Uni.

    I supported his decision and after a rough few years he has a job that brings him joy (not well paid) a loving wife( she has a degree in archaeology but has never used it and was saddled with a big debt) and 2 beautiful children.

    If you do not have a strong pull towards something else in particular you could sit quietly with a piece of paper and ask yourself ” How do I want to live my life?” and listen to the answers your heart supplies.

     

    #397376
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Girija

    Is there anything in your life that brings you even a moment of peace or joy or inspiration?

    Do you have access to  any nature including animals?

    These may seem odd questions, but you have to start where you are – one can not be immediately whisked off with a click of fingers to some wonderful retreat to start building that inner strength nor am I advocating anyone staying in an abusive situation. ie sometimes the bathroom may be the only place in the home that feels a modicome of peace, if you can place a candle , plant or flower there it will help to remind your mind that this is your peace time even if it is for just a few minutes.

    There are thousands of different meditations, but the most basic one is counting the breath and there are various versions also body scan meditation(yoga Nidra) there are loads on youtube. If you can treat yourself to even 5-10 minutes a day that is a start, do not expect miracles I think it takes as long to undo the damage as the damage and the sub-sequences of that damage. This is not to dishearten you but to give a more realistic outlook. I always celebrate when a young person meets the dharma as they have accumulated less  in general. I have worked with people who are in their 70’s 80’s & 90’s who are only just starting to unravel a lifetime of hurt and have seen that it is possible to make considerable progress even at that later stage of life.

    It is not just one area of our lives that needs to be nurtured but the whole of our life. What we eat, read, do physically. meditation/mindfullness etc is not a stand alone fix.

    Best wishes

    Roberta

    #397356
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Lloyd

    I wonder how many compassionate actions one has to do to get to your heaven?

    Have you ever seen an image of 1000 armed Chenrezig? I imagine that for every compassionate action I take I grow one arm but when I am unskillfully or do something prattish an arm disappears this helps to keep me on my path. Teachings on precious human birth help me with perspective. Anyway I still have only two arms so  I have got a long way to go to get to your heaven.

    #397351
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Bee

    “Once we had the talk about how they were feeling, I pushed my needs and wants entirely to the side. By this point, intimacy was beginning to feel disgusting to me. I felt sick with their overtures in some part although I did consent to it. I didn’t communicate this yet again for fear expressing myself would make them upset or that they’d leave me/our relationship would fail entirely. I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded had I said no. I wanted to make them feel nice and this was one of the remaining ways I had to feel close to them so I did it anyways.”

    I have a question you say that you now feel like an abuser  even though at the time you thought it was consensual. and then later you posted the above statement.

    Do you now think /feel that your partner was an abuser? If not why? If yes why?

    It appears that your early role models and education in personal relationships did not equip you well, but you must see that you have the strength and integrity to form good relationships if you continue to work on becoming a happy whole person . The idea that you are dirty or an abuser is erroneous and will not help your peace and happiness in either the short or longterm

    #397165
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Girija

    I have just read thru some of your posts. I have a couple of observations:

    when I was at college one of the girls had a loud and harsh, grating voice, she met a man at a dance and eventually got married – he was profoundly deaf! If you did voluntary work with the blind they would not be judging what you looked like, giving chance for your inner beauty to shine.

    When we are desperate for love it has an repelling effect or attracts the wrong sort. I took a vow of celibacy for a year and it freed me, it took the pressure off, no longer the constant wanting or disappointment in people not fulfilling  my dreams or needs this included family and friends. Love can not be forced, you are deserving of love – love yourself. You are young and can start to take steps to heal old wounds and help prevent any new ones from being deep and lasting.

    There is a lovely quote from Thich Nat Hans smiling meditation. Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile and sometimes your smile is the source of your joy. abit like the dog wagging its tail.

    When my mothers cancer came back I decided that what ever my mum wanted I would try to give it to her. I would try to put aside my ego for the duration and for the most part of her last 5 years I achieved it yes I did slip up on many occasions, but I soon realised that she was a frightened and in pain alot of the time and that made it easier for me to swallow my pride and say sorry. Our relationship was much healed by the time of her passing.

    Each time we work on our inner world it effects our outer world each drop of love compassion and wisdom we foster in ourselves is a gift not only to ourselves but the whole world.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

     

    #397039
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Travel Itin

    “It hurts me to keep recollecting the past”. Do you do this often? does it start out pleasant but ends up painful?

    Now that you recognize that these thoughts/daydreams are not helpful you can take steps to not feed into that line of thinking ie be aware that looking at photos brings on nostalgia and choose to do something else with your time, go for a walk in nature, or do volunteering.

    It is easier to lighten ones mood when you catch the feelings early.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

     

    #396821
    Roberta
    Participant

    Hi

    our group have been using the 7am dharmarettes with Gil Frosdnal at the insight meditation centre on youtube for the last 2 years he has a clear voice and there is no background music.  wishing you all the best

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)