Forum Replies Created
August 28, 2022 at 2:39 pm #406274
From your post you appear to be kind, understanding & supportive towards your boyfriend.
People who are in a tough place and feel pressurised (it can be hard to meet what you think is everyones expectations or commitments.) even if there isn’t any, they may lie and then when they get caught out they have put them self into an even worse place.
I’m struggling to understand what’s happened to our relationship and also wondering if there are other lies. Has your trust in him/relationship been broken or is it dented? I would advise that you take this time out as an opportunity to nurture yourself and find other things that give you joy & satisfaction so that you are in a stronger, better place no matter what the outcome of this particular episode is.
RobertaAugust 28, 2022 at 2:07 pm #406272
I think you are brave and wise.
Hopefully this guy will think long and hard about what he has said and the impact it had on you. If he is any kind of a gentleman he will apologize for his crassness and it may take sometime to rebuild the friendship.
Some people are good with words or maths or music or art etc, just because people have a talent or think they have a talent, it does not make them any better or worse a human being than someone who struggles in these areas. Give me a kind and compassionate person any day of the week as a friend.
RobertaAugust 19, 2022 at 2:30 pm #405979
Who are you when you are at your best?
Who are you when you are at your worst?
No matter what age, shape. gender we are, we are all seeking happiness and want to avoid suffering and a lot of the time, a lot of people do this in unwise and unskillful ways.
If you look at life in a positive way then you will see beauty & kindness in all sorts of people & situations.
If you cultivate wisdom & compassion then life is interesting & fullfilling even when our desires are not met.
Dharma GrannyAugust 13, 2022 at 12:37 pm #405412
Many people get compassion fatigue or burn out, even if they do not live in “harsh conditions”. My friend & I having being talking about this as part of a mini loving kindness retreat. Often we put all others before ourselves instead of giving ourselves the same compassion that we give to so many others. If a doctor said you need to rest would you & those around you listen? Why do we wait until some external authority gives us permission? Taking care of yourself is just as important as looking after others. You have to nourish yourself and it is not selfish, in fact it is a wise and compassionate action not only for you but in the long run others will benefit.
I hope you find the help & support, so you grow stronger.
RobertaJune 19, 2022 at 2:39 pm #402730
I am old now but I remember that for a time in my late 20/early 30’s occasionally there was a time that I could not stand to be near anyone I hated to be touched by even my children or husband it was if my sense of personal space had radically altered. I used to warn my children that it was best to give me a wide berth. Then once my period arrived I was back to my gentle fun touchy feeley self. This did not happen every month so it took me a while to realise that it maybe related to hormones or some kind of nutritional deficiency around my menstrual cycle .
When I became vegetarian I also noticed that I would occasionally crave fat and again this coincided with my cycle.
I hope this has been of some helpJune 19, 2022 at 2:20 pm #402725
A few years back I felt something brewing and it was coinciding when my period was due, so I knew i was in for a rough couple of days so I told my ego/pain body that if it did not behave I would hit it with every bit of dharma I knew.
I put my self into semi retreat and watched the antics, thought & emotions unfold. Sometimes I could see them coming in the distance like the four horsemen of the apocalypse other times beautiful thoughts would sweetly dance up to me only changing into sneaky gremlins at the last minute & all the time Mara was in the background playing chess.
I was grateful that I had the dharma on hand to help me. I kept safe and caused no harm to myself or others.
It is true that without nourishing & replenishing our spiritual practice that we once again become absorbed into this samsaric way of living.
There is a lovely book called In case of Spiritual Emergency. It is well worth a read as many of its references are christian based.
Wishing you all the best
RobertaJune 11, 2022 at 8:15 am #402248
I think my previous answers maybe a bit to wishy washy.
So here is an example:
I want to be kind/ more kind – great aspiration to have.
Some one who has been less than skillfull in their dealings with you in the past asks you to put out the rubbish.
Is there request reasonable, is it time sensitive? ie the garbage lorry is due in shortly 15 mins
what are your immediate needs ( I need to go to the toilet). an honest reply I need to go to the loo then I will do it.
Question to self what am I willing to do and what do I willingly?
Go to toilet then take out garbage maybe even ask if there is anything else you can help with. That person will feel seen & heard. You have been aware & nurtured your kindness. and you may feel that that interaction was authentic.
Got to go to work
regards RobertaJune 11, 2022 at 6:55 am #402244
I like your use of Authentic. I have seen both introverts & extroverts be kind, generous, happy, empathetic or angry, jealous or mean so maybe it is how a person conducts themselves is important also what is the motivation behind it and then what is the story behind the motivation?
Who or what ever we are we can consciously start to take little steps to nurture the traits/motivations we want to have.
For me the more I act from a place of consciousness moment to moment in the everday ordinariness, the more authentic I feel but I am not sure I could stick a permanent label of what type of personalty I have.
Hope you are having moments of contentment this weekend
RobertaJune 9, 2022 at 8:17 am #401989
Being paid a compliment/ flirted with may temporarily boosts ones self esteem & like you said in the past you have seen what these interactions are & have taken steps to not allow them to influence you unduly.
I take it that your present relationship has now settled into something more harmonious and you wish to preserve it?
Eckhart Tolle talks about something called the pain body and when it is awake it wants to feed on negativity/pain for women it can be stronger in different parts of our hormonal cycle. So maybe you can just ride this out and in a few months you may be able to smile with relief that you did not do anything hasty.
all the best
RobertaJune 9, 2022 at 7:47 am #401987
We are all made up of a myriad of things no body is ever constantly just one thing.
who am I is the question that has been posed immeasurable times over the millennia and many wise people have tried answers it.
Try asking your self how do i want to live my life? and in the stillness listen to get an inkling into how you wish to conduct yourself & your life. Also the more we are aware that things like hunger, tiredness or even the need to go to the loo can momentary effect our judgement yet alone the big emotions you will see how hard it is to find our true self & let it blossom so you can imgine that is why most of us are blundering around most of the time reacting instead of consciously responding to what life brings us.
Personally I find Tich Nat Han’s guidelines worthy of contemplation I think they may go something similar to this
May I keep sentient beings safe
May I be mild of thought speech & manner
May everything I need be given to me freely
May I have integrity in all my relationships
May I keep my judgement clear.
RobertaMay 20, 2022 at 5:15 am #400743
I hope that you have had a pleasant week and that your heart/head space is feeling a bit more up beat.
I will be 60 this year and I looked after both my parents for 5 years. Mum died at the end of August last year & Dad had to go into full time care because of his dementia. I felt rudderless, not sure how to full embrace this next step of my journey especially since Covid restrictions mean that my go to place is still closed and having to work to help pay household and care fees means I can’t travel further affield or take an extended break especially since Dad still enjoys seeing me.
Please reach out and let us know that you are okMay 15, 2022 at 11:55 pm #400300
I agree with Anita trying a website that is at least on the surface is trying to match people who purport to have an interest in say Christianity should weed out some of the more undesirable aspects of on line dating.
Can I ask did you try these other websites after Anita suggested Christian Mingle? or before?
Many years ago I did try a website which I won’t name but from the title it had a spiritual aspect to it – the questions and parameters seemed good. I put my age range as 5 years either side of my own ( I was 50). There were hundreds of photos of men in my preferred age range and I noticed that somehow I could spot a certain type of consistency where men were looking for women who were wanting petite, blonde and in their 20’s ! I soon got bored. So I wish you all the best in your search.
Regards RobertaMay 14, 2022 at 11:17 am #400181
I hear your pain, frustration & loneliness. You have dedicated much of your life to looking after others & somewhere along the way you lost yourself.
What were your dreams? Where did you used to find joy before you became a full time carer?
Are there any volunteering opportunities where you live?
I get an email each day from the Daily Good. It has a quote which if it strikes a cord I like to copy it out neatly, sometimes I write them on a stone and leave them in a public place. it has an article to read and also a suggestion for something to do. It gave me something to look forward to each day when I was sad & directionless.
If you go for a walk and see some one your age smile & say hello they too maybe would like to have a friend.
RobertaApril 13, 2022 at 12:06 am #397757
Good morning. I am no scholar, but i do ponder . A some what vulgar phrase is “Shit happens – its what we do with it that counts” Something bad happens we can choose to react or respond, often the reaction is anger either towards some one else or internalizing it in on ourselves, a response that is both wise and compassionately thought thru with the right motivation is empowering, but for most people do not realise that they have a choice and so stay on autopilot of reaction.
I went to a zen teaching on rebirth (wheel of life) and he used the analogy of our own lives to help see the rebirth in the different realms is happening even within this life cycle. ie Some days everything is easy and it all falls into place that is like the god realm, yet another day everything you touch falls apart and life is painful – Hell realm . in fact look at any day and we humans can cycle
thru many if not all the realms. My body is not the same one I had yesterday, cells have died and new ones are born yet what I did yesterday, the food I ate, the exercise I did impacts on or is part of the body that I have today.April 12, 2022 at 8:05 am #397691
1 Maybe dont think of it as spiritual, just have curiosity about how your mind works and be gentle on yourself think of it as an experiment that takes a lot of the pressure off
2 I as many people find inspiration & answers in many different quarters, yes a lot of mine are buddhist teachers and as I get to know myself better I know which teacher I go to listen to on youtube suits my need/mood at that moment. So here are a couple Sravasti Abbey especially Bodisattva Breakfast Club mainly women talking about the dharma and how it connects to their lives – a good way to start the day especially since I have been unable visit to my monastery for nearly 7 years due to looking after parents and covid. Ajhan Brahamn is good when I need a light touch he tells jokes and stories alot. When I need my ass kicking then a good dose of Robina Courtin normally does the trick. Many of my friends really connect with Pema Chodrens style of teaching, I enjoyed her books. Eckart Tolle insights into what he calls the ‘pain body’ has really helped me understand what sometimes arises in me and others.
James Redfield Celestian Prophesies was the first book that got me thinking about life and the way I was perusing happiness
The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama was one of the first buddhist books I came across was so impressed I got copies for my sons as well as friends.
When I got more serious about things I did along distance study with Sravasti Abbey (SAFE)
3 Depending on your belief system – long and short term happiness/ suffering will have a different timescale ie if you believe in only this one life then longterm is what 70 to 100 years , but if you believe in the cycle of rebirth then it takes on a whole different meaning. Like whenever I get disheartened which is not often then I think what all the previous me’s went through so that I get a precious human life this time round and since I spent at least the first 40 years of this life blundering around looking for happiness in fairly unskillfull ways the best thing I can do is not squander this amazing opportunity and hopefully in the next go around I will be in contact with the dharma much earlier on and my wisdom and compassion grow.
4 I personally find great joy whilst walking the spiritual path especially since most of the time I try not to take myself too seriously, I take pleasure in the simple things, can see some beauty almost anywhere, a simple & slower pace of life helps
I hope this may be of use to you