Forum Replies Created
January 31, 2023 at 6:55 am #414790
What areas of family life do you wish to see improvement in. Thich Nat Han has written about communication and relationships, that may be a good start. Do you think the rest of your family would be open to family therapy?
RobertaJanuary 31, 2023 at 4:31 am #414785
For own sanity I minimize my intake on information on cruelty (I am not sticking my head in the sand). I help where I can globally signing petitions to stop harming the planet and its in habitants etc Locally I try to garden organically and make a wildlife friendly habitat and actively look after my human community as well. I can not change my past actions, but I can improve my future ones. In general I have found beautiful kind positive actions work better than what can be perceived as aggressive dooms saying behavior. ie making a lovely tasty vegan/vegetarian meal rather than pushing graphic blaming literature. As the saying goes ” the way to a mans heart is thru his stomach” I have also made a space opened to the public to meditate, sit in the garden or just make themselves a cup of coffee and read a book from our library. If we each make our own home/ neighborhood a place of peace we add to the world wide well-being collective and relive ours & others sufferingJanuary 31, 2023 at 3:23 am #414784
You have much sadness to bare. Please find a grief counselling group locally to augment your therapy. Not being part of your sons final send off is hard. I was not allowed to go to my ex ‘s funeral, so on the day I held my own private ceremony to mark his passing this helped me feel connected to him. There is a lovely written guided meditation for survivors of suicide by Thubten Chodren. Anniversaries can be hard and you can either choose to mark them with a specific act of memory it is best to make it something small so that as the years go by it does not hinder your healing or become a burden. Or you can choose to do something new to celebrate their life ( at your age I would not suggest bungy jumping) maybe visit an art gallery.
Others on this site have given you guidance and input on your surviving family. My only suggestion is to send your surviving son a hand written note, acknowledging his suffering without any hint of blame. there is a lovely quote used by Ajhan Brahm is “The door to my heart is always open to you”.
I hope that you find the support & friendship to get thru this traumatic season.January 26, 2023 at 1:37 pm #414490
I am sorry that you are having a rough time with your mother.
Please can you give a bit more of a background to the statement that you posted.January 14, 2023 at 10:42 am #413742
What a wonderful and powerful insight that you have gained thru the beautiful lovingkindness practice. It is my most go to practice, sometimes it is only just for a few seconds, like when i am out in public and I see someone struggling. This is a lifetime practice a bit like breathing it nourishes the practitioner and those that are around them.January 14, 2023 at 10:25 am #413741
I am not sure whether you have mentioned the ages of your daughters. however much you tried to shelter them from what had been going on in your household for the past four years they will most likely have picked up on the atmosphere. Broadly speaking this is called ACE’s ( Adverse Childhood Experiences) and they too may need professional help to come to terms with it. Please be assured this is not about putting blame or pressure on you. On the contary I praise you for your strength & wisdom many people endure theese situations for decades or never get out.
I wish you and your family a happy and nourishing 2023December 12, 2022 at 8:24 am #411763
What vicious cycles you are in. The relationship or lack of it with a man/men you like.
The turbulent relationship with your sister/family.
Holding on to past hurts and grasping at unknown futures is like wrapping yourself in electrified barbed wire.
As you & your sister were growing up your parents did not have xray vision/omnipresent ( ie not seeing what was going on when they were not in the same room). So any nasty manipulative behaviour went unchecked.
It appears that with every encounter a whole train load of baggage comes with it (how tiring & anxious making).
If you gave up trying to right old wrongs and resolved that you will bring gentleness to each encounter and not dictate how its outcome should be then maybe life may not be so painful for you. I know this is much easier said than done but it is well worth the effort to not add new hurts onto the mountain of pain that is already there.
best wishes with all your future interactionsDecember 10, 2022 at 11:59 am #411680
Sorry to hear that you and your husband are struggling to connect in a peaceful & positive way. Marshall Rosenberg has written books on non violent communication maybe you could get 2 copies of one of his books that appeals to both of you and then you could both work together & separately, this way it is more of a joint exploring journey. Thich nat han’s book Silence is also a good read.
RobertaDecember 6, 2022 at 2:32 pm #411427
My apologies I should have written sibling. Glad that you have found somewhere to stay. I hope that things go well for you in all aspects of your lifeDecember 5, 2022 at 9:46 am #411350
Those intrusive thoughts are scary, I ‘m not sure I have anything to offer you. I avoid horror films or if I did watch them I would have to watch them to the end so that in my dreams I can remind myself of the end, mind you nowadays they are often left open ended.
I am guessing a small part is the conflict of receiving information about another religion? in this case Hinduism.
When the first thought arises gently question it ” Is that so?” leave a still space to see what arises if another negative thought arises you can either mentally repeat the same question or make a statement like I am kind and I am doing my best & I am willing to learn. Hopefully this will eventually take the wind out of the sails of these negative thoughts. Also do you have a spiritual mentor ?December 5, 2022 at 3:03 am #411330
Sorry that you are having a bout of anxiety.
Try a breathing exercise where you breath out slightly longer than you breath in to activate your para sympathetic system ie breathe in for a count of 3 hold for 3 breathe out for 4 then breathe in for 4 hold for 4 & out for 5 and if you feel comfrtable breath in 5 pause for as long as you find comfortable the breathe out for 6 , repeat as necessary. Also if you play a body scan guided meditation to help relax your body and it will also keep your mind occupied without denying what is going on.
Hope this helps your immediate situation
RobertaDecember 5, 2022 at 2:50 am #411329
Dear Misunderstood Autistic
My following comments are not meant to defend your sister or her appalling behavior. Just placing another possible facet to the picture.
You said that she worked in the that same area of your disability. She may well now feel totally worthless because she failed see that her own brother had that disability, also working in an area is very different to living 24/7 with the situation ( My job was carer for over 20 years and now sole carer 24/7 for my father has dementia).
When we feel scared & worthless the default mode is often anger all of which means ones judgement is impaired.
Take care of yourself
RobertaDecember 4, 2022 at 4:44 am #411280
Dear Misunderstood Autistic
I am sorry you are in a scary and perplexing place.
I have to keep this short as my internet connection keeps breaking.
A sight called workaway matches up people with need of help with things like farming/ animals/labour etc they exchange food and accomadation in exchange for 20/25 hours a week. Also WOOFing working On Organic Farms may help you.
Roughly what are of the UK are you situated in?
RobertaDecember 2, 2022 at 4:19 am #411092
Sorry to hear that your life has not moved forward. I note that your birthday was difficult because your estranged wife did not reach out to you on that day.
What are you planning to do over the Xmas/New Year? as this is also an emotionally difficult for many especially the first one.
There are many groups like the Salvation Army etc. which do a communal lunch for anyone who is by themselves on that day and or volunteering can be a fulfilling & uplifting experience giving something back to your community fosters a sense of belonging.
Wish you all the bestNovember 30, 2022 at 3:42 am #410986
In buddhism there is a set of teachings on right speech. it includes is it timely? is it helpful?, will it be received & is it truthful,is it said kindly when your mind is free from afflictions etc so with that in mind you could say something like . When I felt ready for a relationship I put out various feelers before I met you & I am so glad that they came to naught as I would not have met you and am having a fulfilling time with you & I hope that you are also happy with our relationship. This hopefully will make her feel appreciated & secure and if she has anything similar in her past she has the opportunity to bring it up & you can let go that bit of your past .