Forum Replies Created
December 10, 2023 at 11:16 am #425968
As I understand it there are very few buddhist in Pakistan so you would not be able to receive teachings in person.
I enjoy the teachings from Thubten Chodren and the other monastics at Srvasti Abbey, they have extensive teachings on you tube.
I hope that you find a job that you enjoy and that it pays well enough to meet your needs.
RobertaDecember 8, 2023 at 1:47 am #425921
I get where you are coming from, wanting the support and safe space from your ex.
My history was I fell in unrequited love as teenager& then a couple of decades later had a decade on off relationship with that first love. Then for the next decade I would feel the urge/pull to be with him and about once a year we would be in each others company for a couple of hours. Just before I decided to remain celibate for life I wanted one last night with him as I wanted him to be the last person I was intimate with, but I realized that it would be unfair to both of us. Like you I live with my parents/parent I looked after mum with cancer now passed and my dad has dementia so I have an inkling into your sadness. It was the buddhist teachings on relationships that helped me get thrutough times & momements of weakening in my resolve not to take solace in unskillful things & relationships.
I wish you all the best and it will get easier, just hold on to your resolve to look after yourself both physically & emotionally.December 4, 2023 at 8:55 am #425785
I guess what you two had was a brief holiday encounter with a dash of long distance relationship. The success rate in these kinds of liaisons are minimal no matter what books and movies portray, the fairy tale happy ever after is not the norm.
We could analyze the bones out of what went on in this situation, but what would that achieve?
Give thanks for the friendship mentally wish him well & happy , but do not torment yourself by grasping on to the ifs, buts and maybes.
RobertaDecember 3, 2023 at 4:47 am #425770
Please can I clarify a couple of things.
Is the gentleman in question still living with his family?
How far apart do you live?
How long did you leave it after your arrival home before you accused him of ghosting you?
regards RobertaNovember 28, 2023 at 5:46 am #425651
I am one of just a few Buddhists in our community of 2000. I am the most visible as I set up and run our local meditation centre since 2007. Over the years people have seen me walk my talk and now in the last couple of years I have been accepted by the local christian communities to the extent that I am now invited to participate on equal footing with the other various ministers in a couple of the important annual ceremonies.
I have just ordered a book called Jesus & Buddha as brothers by Thich Nat Han in order for me to find more common groundNovember 28, 2023 at 4:46 am #425649
I am sorry that your first long term relationship has come apart. Most people use unskillful means to deal with issues and then those means become yet another issue that needs dealing with on top of the original problem. ie has social anxiety then uses alcohol as a relaxant to the extent that addiction eventually occurs.
Over the coming months it is to be expected that you see saw in your feelings, wants & needs and that is ok, you are going thru a bereavement for the relationship that you had and your dreams & expectations of a future.
Do you know whether your ex would be open to couples counselling?
Instead of therapy being an either or situation solo versus couples maybe the two of you could embark on both?
I have used buddhist teachings and meditation to help me act more skillfully and in line with my core values.
After 15 years I am happier, more compassionate & open ( yes there are still times where I fall momentary into old habits) but they are fewer & less intensive but I am able to reassure myself gently & kindly unlike the harsh inner critic of the old days.
Wishing you the best,
RobertaOctober 30, 2023 at 1:01 pm #423841
Putting aside the assumption of bullying because of previous track record.
There was a leak of water from your flat into the flat below.
Do you in principle think it reasonable for this repair to be done quickly to prevent more damage to the flats no matter who occupies them?
An equitable solution could be is find out what your plumbers hourly rate is compared to the managers plumber and also check to see if the materials used was charged to you at a fair price. Then present these figures to Bella if there is a difference and pay that amount you have calculated if you had used your own plumber if you are liable for the leak.
RobertaOctober 28, 2023 at 7:58 am #423806
Congratulations on Taking a step back before answering your mothers text.
It is interesting that she was not asking you to fix the situation between her and your dad nor was she blaming you either.
When I have a tricky communication to deal with I spend a little time centering & calming my self. I then write my reply but I do not send it but rather meditate for 10 minutes using the phrase ” is that so?” regarding what I have written, checking in that it is in alignment with my core aspirations and then I amend and repeat the process till I get a YES. I find this breaks the guilt/rumination cycle. Even years later I am still feel that my best self communicated on those occasions.
I hope this technique is of use to you
RobertaOctober 26, 2023 at 4:48 am #423748
Dear Teo Desin
I get how distressing seeing pain & suffering is and in a hospital situation it is intensified and the long hours of those kinds of occupations takes its toll on the health providers ( I have worked for over 20 years in old age care). So research could possibly suit you better, you would still be helping humanity.
I guess the tricks are to understand what your core purpose is. How do you want to live your life? Get to know your strengths & weaknesses so that you know where & when to push yourself and when to take a step back ie front line doctoring versus research. Learning how to stay with our core values and to be open to do it in small & different ways and not just the big one off gestures. When we learn about ourselves and learn to nurture ourselves we will have the strength, wisdom & compassion to help our fellow travelers on this journey of our lives.
I love this quote from Shantideva it broadens the spectrum of what helping sentient beings looks like.
May I be a protector to those without protection,
A leader for those who journey,
And a boat, a bridge, a passage
For those desiring the further shore.
May the pain of every living creature
Be completely cleared away.
May I be the doctor and the medicine
And may I be the nurse
For all sick beings in the world
Until everyone is healed.
Just like space
And the great elements such as earth,
May I always support the life
Of all the boundless creatures.
And until they pass away from pain
May I also be the source of life
For all the realms of varied beings
That reach unto the ends of space.October 24, 2023 at 12:37 pm #423703
Are you able to receive state benefits in your country to help pay your rent etc? If so this will free you from feeling beholden to keep contact with your mother once financial ties are severed.
I am guessing that your mother does not like that you are taking control on how & when you communicate with her.
The fact that you wish to be deal compassionately with your mother despite her toxic behavior towards you shows that you are a good and caring person despite of your parental relationship. I am guessing that your mother is under 70, I have known a couple of people who have had early on set dementia and their disease progressed rapidly compared to those that have late onset, so the work that you are doing to make & keep peace in your heart is a good idea.October 24, 2023 at 11:51 am #423702
Dear Teo Desin
Firstly congratulations in passing your exams to enable you to continue with your education.
Please may I ask how much longer do you have before you finish this course? Can your course go towards your medical degree? Are you able to start a medical degree after you have completed this course?
Do similar thoughts of failure/pressure encroach on other areas of your life?
Working/Volunteering for an organisations such as Medicine sans Frontiers gives you an opportunity to travel and help the most needy.
Wishing you all the best in finding your raison D’EtreOctober 24, 2023 at 11:19 am #423699
It is easy to get sucked into role of carer/giver if you are a kind hearted caring empathetic person.
Take some time to think about the things that you joy and help give you energy or rest. The world will not come to an end if you take time out for your own body spirit & mind nourishment. Sometimes we feel that we need to have permission to step back.
If we do not look after our own wellbeing, eventually your body will give you a wake up call, it is much easy to fix ourselves when we are dented rather than wait until we are broken.
You may wish to narrow your focus or even change to volunteering in a different sector that you feel attracted to where you are helping your community but not so personally involved in energy draining relationships.
wishing you all the best
RobertaOctober 15, 2023 at 9:01 pm #423078
My heart goes out to you & your family. I found the contemplation below helped me when I had to deal with family bereavement.October 15, 2023 at 6:12 am #423118
How often did you & your ex actually meet up & for how long in those 5 years?
You do not say if your new relationship is also long distance, but I will reply as if it isn’t
You may be experiencing what I call ” Honeymoon sydrome” as long distance relationships are often based on intense short bursts of loving.
Where as a relationship that is in situ so it also incorporates the mundane and takes a combined effort to help it grow & flourish after the initial excitement of getting together.
Since your ex was the initiator of the break up & he has chosen not to have any contact with you it is extremely unlikely that he would be up for rekindleing a relationship.
Yes we all indulge daydreaming and have what if moments, but they can be toxic to you experiencing happiness with the present reality, so I suggest learning some mindfulness techniques so as & when these thoughts arise you are not trying to suppress them or feed them but see that they are just another set of momentary movements of the mind. After say 6 months you can review with a clearer mind that your supposition.
Kind regards RobertaOctober 10, 2023 at 1:04 pm #422939
“Once bitten twice shy” give this man a wide wide berth. His porn choices may not be illegal and whether or not the brain tumor has compromised his judgement. He is not a person that you want around your daughter, so be thankful that you have found out about this issue before you got sucked back into a toxic relationship.
You may need professional counselling to help you heal from this.