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Roberta

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 231 total)
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  • in reply to: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts #427923
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Kshiti1502

    I am always amazed how we human beings give more weight & validity to some thoughts over others even when intellectually we know that they are not true or even helpful/relevant. The quicker we discern that we have fallen or in danger of falling into that particular rumination rabbit hole the better. Saying phrases like “Is that So?” or “That was then this is now”  can disrupt the line of thought process and then it gives you the option of do you  really wish to pick up that train of thought and run with it? Of course you may have to repeat this process a hundred times or more but each time you do,you are to congratulate yourself that you had awareness and slowly but surely you will gain control over where & what you want to place your mind on.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Robbie

    I am sorry that your childhood was not nurturing in a way that would help you transition to  a happy adulthood.

    Many people find that concentrating on whats called ‘inner child’  work gives them a framework to begin a journey towards wholeness by learning to be the parent  that your younger self needed.

    I hope that you find a job that is fulfilling and financially viable. What kind of work would you like to do & would it give you the chance to connect with other people even briefly.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Angie

    I am sorry that you are struggling with the unpredictability of your father cancer journey and that your relationship with him has & is not always how you want it to be.

    My mum & I had an interesting relationship some times quite volatile verbally. Anyway in 2011 she a mole/growth removed from her hand it was cancerous. Many years later in 2016 it came back as a lump at the top of her arm which she found just after I had gone into a 3 month retreat in her kindness she instructed that I was not to be told until I came out on her birthday 1 June. when I heard I told my children that whatever Nan wants Nan gets & I tried to hold to that sentiment over the next 5 years of her life til her death from the cancer re-occurring.  Her final 5 days in hospital were peaceful and I was able to tell her I love her & thanked her for all that she had done for me & my family and how much she had helped people in our community.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

     

    in reply to: There’s always something missing.. #427844
    Roberta
    Participant

    Hi Tara

    I read your post with interest, parts of your post reminded me of myself many many decades ago.

    In my early twenties I did not want to waste my time on being in  relationships that were plainly not going anywhere, normally after a couple of weeks I could discern that there was alcohol, gambling or early warning signs of anger issues etc and like you I was the one who terminated the relationships.  I did business studies at college for a year – hated it, joined a firm of accountants as good with figures but this did not light up my soul.

    Please tell me about the things that stimulate and bring you joy.  having a high paid job which makes you miserable will not bring you happiness in either the short or long term. What is the point of being successful if it does not bring you real happiness? Many people find satisfaction & friendship in volunteering.  Buddhism talks about the 8 worldly concerns and once we put them aside life has so much more to offer. You tube sravasti abbey has short talks on this topic, I have been listening to their talks for many years and have found them inspiring & informative.

    What do you look for in relationships & friendships?

    Shunryu Suzuki quote

    Each of you is perfect the way you are … and you can use a little improvement.

    Wishing you the best in your journey of finding meaning in your life.

    Roberta

    in reply to: Lies – stay or leave? #427755
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Lunaryogini

    You chose to start a relationship with someone who was still in the process of untangling his relationship with his then wife even though you have trust issues with men! You chose to go into business with him & you chose to live with him nobody was holding a gun against your head.

    Until you get to the root of your core issues and address them, anxiety will be your companion in any relationship you have whether it is personal or business.  In general do you like the way that your fiance conducts himself? ie does he act with integrity with his clients, friends, family members & strangers. If he is kind  & compassionate & upfront. Then you probably can trust him.

    kind regards

    in reply to: Digital wellbeing journey ✨ #427618
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear David

    Well done for taking the first steps on detoxing your digital input.

    I agree with you that excessive use of technology has all the hallmarks of addiction. Like ignoring things & people, continuing use even when the enjoyment factor is no longer there.

    Making the decision to use media as a tool rather than a prop.

    I delete games that I consider that I play too much. Also unscribed to emails that are not purposeful. I am not on facebook which sometimes can be a disadvantage for local community activities.

    I also switch off from my laptop an hour before I go to bed and i read something purposeful for at least half hour before sleep.

    Spending more time outside and lhaving meaningful interacts also help

    Good luck with your journey.

    Roberta

     

    in reply to: Moral dillemas #427531
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Jus

    When a person has a bad/unsympathetic manager it really is a nail biting time. My son had a particularly bad one, he asked for an morning shift so that he could see my mother as she was in his city for biopsies – manager refused saying not a family emergency and she was only his grandmother ( it was the last chance to see her, she died 6 weeks later).  She also made him cancel his doctors appointments and then blamed him for going off sick.

    If you are trying to find a new job you may also need that person to give you a good reference so you need to keep them on side.

    Your friend maybe wishy washy, but as long as you are not being asked to help financially, whats wrong with giving them  a small portion of your on line time? You do not have to be emotionally or romantically involved to be a good listener.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

     

    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Jim

    Just because you are both nice people & care for each other does not mean that you have/should to stay in a relationship.

    Your girlfriend has complex issues and yes she needs support but from professionals, there is a place in Scotland called Lothlorian House which offers residential places.

    Your own anger & frustration will only grow ( which is not healthy for either of you) you will end up not liking yourself.

    Emotional blackmail is still emotional blackmail and colluding will only increase its frequency. You can cheerlead her from the sidelines but not get into the scrum.

    Best wishes

    Roberta

     

    in reply to: Seeking clarity about a relationship #427465
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Going Through Life

    my parents have always been unhappy with each other and they rarely interact even after living in the same house.  This statement could well be the source of your struggles.  Ideally as a child we would see kind loving interactions between our parents and that they would also make us feel included & listened to. Unfortunately  in your formative years ,you did not experience the tools that help with the foundations of a happy healthy relationships. I am not blaming your parents, these things are often multi generational. Fortunately due to the neuroplaticity of our brains we can take steps to re -parent ourselves to enable healthy relationships in the future. The extra good news is that you are still young and you have realised that you want to actively take part in building a better future with happy dynamic relationships.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    in reply to: Seeking clarity about a relationship #427428
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Going Through Life

    Thoughts & emotions arise & if not fed pass away fairly quickly.  So it will be natural for your mind to turn to SK in a variety of ways over the coming months. The trick is discern which  ones are helpful and be aware that they can change to unhelpful if pondering/ daydreaming continues for an extended period, if you have seen the film Gremlins, where the characters are cute & cuddly but change into vicious beasties under certain conditions.

    At the start of our meditations we say 3 phrases May all beings be happy. May all beings be free from suffering. May they abide in equanimity. this is a shortened simplified version of a traditional Buddhist version.  Would you want SK to be still with you even if she was unhappy in the relationship and conversely would you still want to be in a relationship with SK and you be unhappy?

    As for my core values  by my mid 30,s I was single, 2 children had employment & a roof over my head and that was when I asked that question of myself How do I want to live my life? I wrote something flowery like I want to walk gently upon this earth. If I have the choice between doing right and wrong, choose right. If there is  choice is between neutral and  right choose right.  If the choice is between doing wrong & neutral choose neutral. May I treat everyone like a family member. Whizz on a number of years a came across a book on buddhisim and the penny dropped Oh that’s what I am. I had found my home, this has given me a framework  – Study /Contemplation, Meditation & Ethical conduct.

    Taking inspiration form the Muslims of stopping through the day at regular intervals for prayers,  doing similar gives me a chance to review my conduct/mind  of the previous few hours and then making amends etc. and re -centres me in my core values this way I am less likely to be swayed from them.

    I hope this has answered some of your questions

    Kind regards Roberta

     

     

     

    in reply to: Seeking clarity about a relationship #427421
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Going Through Life

    That certainly was a topsy turvey relationship for you both.

    I guess you need to take time to ask your self ” what are my core values & how can I live my life in ways that support these values?” in other words How do you want to live your life?

    These are mine borrowed from Thich Nat Han

    May I keep sentient beings safe

    May I be mild of thought speech & manner

    May everything I need be given to me freely

    May I have integrity in all my relationships

    May I keep my judgement clear

    Of course I am still a journey and often get sidetracked , when I get lost I have remorse (not guilt) . My list is there to help me and not to be used as something to beat myself up with and  my latest bedtime reading has been really helpful  ‘Not about being good – a practical guide to buddhist ethics by Subhadramati.

    Best wishes

    Roberta

    in reply to: I want my MOTHER lead a peaceful life in her 60’s. #427357
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Sunoo

    Please can I ask why wasn’t one of your options was –  to leave your 5th sister at home and  you come home for the weekends to pick up any chores that your mother is struggling with.  If you found your mum was happy & coping you could expand your commute to once a fortnight or even monthly.

    During Covid lockdown I lived with my son daughter in law & grandson. I helped with childcare, washed dishes & did laundry. I had both company & time to myself when ever I pleased. Maybe it is up to your other sisters to sort out how they are going to function & be more supportive if necessary of your mum once you have left home?

    Kind regards

    Roberta Aged 60+

    in reply to: Karma and recovery #427349
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Rebecca

    My current bedtime reading is Not about being good – a practical guide to Buddhist ethics by Subhadramati.

    I have found it very readable and it has suggested exercises in each chapter, you may find it a good foundation for what you want to achieve.

    Best wishes

    Roberta

    in reply to: I want my MOTHER lead a peaceful life in her 60’s. #427334
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Sunoo

    Please can I ask what makes you think that your mother will not cope/flourish if you are not there.

    What are you specifically trying to protect your mother from? ie what do you perceive her burdens to be and has she informed you what she feels her burdens if any are?

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    in reply to: Feeling very confused and stuck in my current relationship. #427332
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear ocean

    I am guessing from what you  have said that your boyfriends family does not see their self worth deriving from continually striving for more, better, faster & that they are content with a less is more scenario’s.

    I am  also guessing that since you and your boyfriend established early on in the relationship that it was serious and had like wise goals regarding future & family. He may not feel it is necessary to micro manage or reharsh things frequently if your goalposts have not moved.

    My own son met his girlfriend and after a year they got engaged and at the same time set their wedding date for the following year. My daughter in law’s family is both academic and artisinal, my family less so.  We have managed to mesh as our ethics and belief in community welfare is our bridging point and now we have 2 happy grandchildren.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 231 total)