Dear Eva,

first I’d like to say that no matter how hard it is for you to finally see the truth, it’s great that you can do it and that you can so clearly express your outrage at how things have been for such a long time.

I’m deeply sorry things happened this way. I genuinely believed I wanted us to work and that I could build a life with him. But if there’s one thing I remember, it’s that I always felt alone in that relationship.

Lonely. Sad. Frustrated. Jealous. Like I wasn’t enough. Desperate. Insecure.

I don’t know how I kept allowing that for so many years. That’s not what a partner is supposed to make you feel. That’s not what a relationship is supposed to be. That’s not what life is supposed to be.

It’s great that you can see that this is not how a relationship should be. I think this alone is the first step to healing: realizing that how he treated you was toxic and that you absolutely don’t deserve it and shouldn’t accept it in any future relationship.

This right there could be a set of red flags for a future relationship: if your partner is dismissing your feelings and your needs, if he is hiding you from the world and making excuses, if he is blaming you for having legitimate needs, if he refuses to take responsibility for his bad behavior.

And no, I don’t think I’ll ever understand how he could look at me with so little regard that he allowed himself to treat me that way.

A narcissistic person unfortunately has little regard for others and can go to great lengths at exploiting people if no boundaries are set. The cure with those people, and in general in relationships, is to love and respect ourselves enough and not allow them to treat us like that.

In other words, you have to stand up for yourself and not allow them to treat you like that. You cannot count on them to “see the light” and treat you better.

I think this subject has been analyzed and talked to death over all these years. The only thing that was ever missing was real action—something lasting that would actually change things. And in this case, there was only one possible action left:

The end.

Sadly.

Yes, you’ve try to talk about it with him for many years. But it fell on deaf ears, because unfortunately he is not the kind of person who had empathy or understanding for you. He was using various tricks to keep you hopeful, but nothing was ever changing. He was just using you.

And now you’ve finally had enough, now you could finally see through his lies and manipulations. Which is great. That you broke the spell.

Even if you’re sorry that it ended, with this particular person it’s better that it ended. Because as you said it yourself, that’s not the kind of relationship you want. You don’t want to dig yourself into something that leaves you “Lonely. Sad. Frustrated. Jealous. Like I wasn’t enough. Desperate. Insecure”.

It’s time to turn a new page, and I’m glad you’re feeling it too. I think the first thing is to make sure that you don’t get tempted to text him (or if you do get tempted, to not actually send the text, because you know from past experiences that it leads to another cycle of the same kind of misery.) How are you feeling on that front, Eva? Do you think your resolve is strong enough to stay away from him, even if he reaches out?

I think the steps outlined by Darren Magee (which I outlined above) can be a great help, specifically in fighting the urge to go back, and in general in recovery after narcissistic abuse. What do you think, have you taken a look?

Let me know how you’re feeling and what you think/feel would be the best next step for you <3

Dear Eva,

I won’t beat around the bush, but immediately answer your question:

Does this sound like someone who’s just very blunt, or does his overall attitude seem disrespectful to you too?

Oh yes, his overall attitude seems very disrespectful – he takes you out on what seems to be an ad hoc date and then spends time putting you down and criticizing you.

And he agrees in some aspects with Andrew Tate, whom I don’t know much about, except that he is a self-proclaimed misogynist, who was “charged with rape, human trafficking and forming an organised crime group to sexually exploit women.”

I wonder what kind of treatment he thinks is fine “if a woman deserves it”…?

He didn’t seem curious about getting to know me.
It felt like he was constantly labeling me, judging me, or telling me what kind of person I was instead of asking questions.

There you go, Eva, you’ve described him well: a judgmental, disrespectful, macho/misogynist guy, who didn’t even bother to pretend that he likes you. Which is in a way better, because at least he’s shown you his true face immediately, unlike your ex who was very sweet in the beginning. So at least he doesn’t pretend to be something that he isn’t.

But it only means one thing: stay away from him, you don’t want to have anything to do with a guy like that. He seems he enjoyed putting you down and toying with you!

Instead I came home wondering if I had just gone out with someone who’s emotionally immature, trying too hard to be “macho,” or if this is just a completely normal personality type that some women actually enjoy.

This is not a normal personality type, but a women-hater. I can’t think of a woman who would enjoy being told that she is too skinny, that she overdressed, that she is flawed in this or that way – on the first outing with a guy! Heck, he told you you’re not normal (“You’re alternative. “alternative girls aren’t normal”.).

So really, I don’t think there’s any doubt about who he really is and how he likes to treat women.

I’d genuinely appreciate outside opinions because I feel like my previous relationship has made me question my own judgment.

Your judgment is fine Eva, you’ve spotted the red flags immediately. And my suggestion is: lose his number, don’t contact him, and don’t go on any more dates, even if he asks you.

Dear Eva

Cool calm collected & cheerful would be a good way to behave. I doubt this guy ever gives a second thought about his behaviour, it just will not come up on his radar. You will have no control over what he thinks, says or does, nor give him any control over how he makes you feel. In some ways be glad that he has ghosted you. You do not need that type of person in your life.
I hope that an honest caring man comes into your life soon
Roberta

Dear Eva:

I am sorry you had such a disheartening experience with your co- worker. His behavior was offensive, it would offend anyone 😔

I was wondering: the 2nd ex you shared about was in the same friend group as your first (the reason, he said, why he kept you a secret).

The coworker you shared about most recently is also in a group of coworkers, a group that includes you.

As part of group dynamics, people talk about each other, forming impressions through stories shared (gossip).

Do you think this is part of what’s been going on?

🤔 Anita

Dear Eva,

I’m afraid he is still his old self, nothing has changed in his mind. Your attempts to explain how you feel by using a metaphor haven’t moved him either… He is sticking to his perspective, which is that he is a good guy, patient, that he’s been giving you time to sort yourself out, but that you keep bothering him with your complaints:

He answered that he had also been patient with me. He said he’d warned me for over a year that he was reaching his limit, that he’d given me multiple chances, broke his own promises to leave because he kept hoping things would improve, but nothing changed from his perspective.

His perspective is also this:

From his perspective, I’m exhausting. I’m too emotional. I create conflict. I don’t appreciate what he does. He says a relationship should bring peace, and that I’m the reason it doesn’t.

No matter how hard you try explaining, his perspective isn’t changing. He thinks he is giving you chances. He is waiting for you to change.

Whereas your perspective is this:

From my perspective, I spent years fighting for what felt like basic emotional connection: communication, reassurance, affection, and feeling chosen.

As we’ve discussed earlier, your perspective it true. Based on everything you’ve shared, he is a selfish man who is only using you, and intends to use you until you say stop, I’m afraid.

It’s great that you can see things much more clearly now, and could articulate it to him:

I’ve stretched my own boundaries for him far more than I should have.
I don’t deserve to be treated like this.
If he’s afraid of commitment or emotional vulnerability, that’s something he has to figure out himself.
The way he treats me doesn’t resemble love anymore.
I’m tired of having to convince someone why I deserve kindness.

That’s amazing that you have that clarity. Now the next step would be to realize and accept – no matter how hard it is – that he isn’t going to change. That trying to make him understand and see your point is futile.

Because what seems to be happening is that you try to explain, you put your foot down and stand up for yourself. And then he gives you breadcrumbs and spends a nice evening with you, effectively disarming you, making you soft and all hopeful again. And you stay hooked in that spider web of his, where you keep hoping that he would change, trying to explain things, getting confused again by his intermittent “sweetness”, and the cycle continues…

I’m afraid it’s never going to get better, Eva. He’s not changing, he doesn’t have the slightest intention to change. In fact, he is telling you that you should change, and that he’s not happy with you not changing. And that that’s why he has been thinking about breaking up for good for the last year.

Do you see that his and your perspective are diametrically opposite? You want him to change, while he doesn’t see any fault in his behavior and wants you to change??

Because from my perspective, asking someone out, spending a lovely evening together, kissing them… and then saying the next morning, “I’m still thinking about what we should do” feels incredibly confusing.

Yes, it is, and it’s very hurtful. And as you said, terribly confusing. But that’s one of their (a narcissistic person’s) main strategies: mixed messages. He is toying with you, giving you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you hooked. Awakening that hope in you again and again… and then letting you down the next morning. It’s his tactics, Eva, not something he wants to grow out of or heal.

The only way is to see through his manipulation and stop hoping that he would change… I know it’s hard, especially because he can occasionally be so sweet and kind. But that’s the intermittent reinforcement and serves to keep you hooked, even if he doesn’t have any serious intention to change.

Dear Eva,

I see your pain, but also a growing realization of the patterns in your relationship and how some things have been repeating over and over again.

It’s funny how he complained that he had peace in that month when you didn’t communicate (That for the entire month we weren’t talking, he had peace.), but still, he was the one who reached out first (Then, out of nowhere, he started texting me again.)

If I remember well, it’s not the first time that he was the one who withdraws (after listing his complaints about you), and then wants to reconnect after a while. He is the one who lures you into his web, gives you a day or two of “paradise”, and then quickly goes back to his old, cold and insensitive self.

It’s almost like he needs a hit of adrenaline or dopamine, and he gets it by enticing you, seducing you, getting what he wants from you, and then discarding you. He is there to take from you, not to give, I’m afraid.

While he is seducing you, he is of course on his best behavior:

It’s that twenty-four hours earlier he had shown me exactly the version of himself I had spent six years waiting for. He proved he could be attentive, warm, affectionate and emotionally present. He texted me all night. He asked questions. He cared about what I was doing. He made me feel safe.

That was the love-bombing, aka the hoovering phase: when the narcissist wants something from you and use all of their charm to seduce you. He knows exactly what you want and like, and how you like to be treated. But he only gives it to you during the love-bombing/hoovering phase. As soon as he gets what he wants from you, he switches off the charm and goes back to being cold.

Instead, I keep ending up in the same place—feeling guilty for wanting attention from the person who says he loves me.

That’s his biggest lie: that he loves you. More correct would be: he loves to use you. To take advantage of you.

And somehow, after all of that, I’m still the one wondering whether I’m the problem.

I think a part of the reason why you think like that is that he is always portraying you as the problem and himself as a loving and caring person. And he uses his intermittent love-bombing/”sweetness” as a proof that he is indeed loving and attentive.

Whereas in reality, a loving person doesn’t switch between hot and cold all the time. They are not caring and attentive one day, only to tell you that you have an ugly personality the next day.

What he is doing is bait-and-switch, actually. And it’s a manipulation tactic, not an expression of love.

And I think another reason why you tend to doubt yourself is your childhood experience, where you were blamed as well and where your needs didn’t matter. And so you’re more susceptible to such false accusations and self-doubt.

But it’s great that you’re realizing and acknowledging your truth more and more, and slowly but surely starting to reject his narrative.

As for action, I’m almost sure he’ll reach out again. Last time you said you were careful at first, but then he managed to do his trick on you:

At first I was careful. I didn’t want to believe anything had changed because I’ve been through this cycle too many times before. But then something happened that gave me hope again.

If he reaches out again, try to keep in mind that what he is doing is baiting. He hasn’t changed, he’s doing the same old trick again, even if it seems upgraded with extra “sweetness.” Try to see it as a baiting tactic, nothing more.

I am rooting for you, Eva! You’re doing an amazing job gaining more and more clarity. <3