Dear Eva,

first I’d like to say that no matter how hard it is for you to finally see the truth, it’s great that you can do it and that you can so clearly express your outrage at how things have been for such a long time.

I’m deeply sorry things happened this way. I genuinely believed I wanted us to work and that I could build a life with him. But if there’s one thing I remember, it’s that I always felt alone in that relationship.

Lonely. Sad. Frustrated. Jealous. Like I wasn’t enough. Desperate. Insecure.

I don’t know how I kept allowing that for so many years. That’s not what a partner is supposed to make you feel. That’s not what a relationship is supposed to be. That’s not what life is supposed to be.

It’s great that you can see that this is not how a relationship should be. I think this alone is the first step to healing: realizing that how he treated you was toxic and that you absolutely don’t deserve it and shouldn’t accept it in any future relationship.

This right there could be a set of red flags for a future relationship: if your partner is dismissing your feelings and your needs, if he is hiding you from the world and making excuses, if he is blaming you for having legitimate needs, if he refuses to take responsibility for his bad behavior.

And no, I don’t think I’ll ever understand how he could look at me with so little regard that he allowed himself to treat me that way.

A narcissistic person unfortunately has little regard for others and can go to great lengths at exploiting people if no boundaries are set. The cure with those people, and in general in relationships, is to love and respect ourselves enough and not allow them to treat us like that.

In other words, you have to stand up for yourself and not allow them to treat you like that. You cannot count on them to “see the light” and treat you better.

I think this subject has been analyzed and talked to death over all these years. The only thing that was ever missing was real action—something lasting that would actually change things. And in this case, there was only one possible action left:

The end.

Sadly.

Yes, you’ve try to talk about it with him for many years. But it fell on deaf ears, because unfortunately he is not the kind of person who had empathy or understanding for you. He was using various tricks to keep you hopeful, but nothing was ever changing. He was just using you.

And now you’ve finally had enough, now you could finally see through his lies and manipulations. Which is great. That you broke the spell.

Even if you’re sorry that it ended, with this particular person it’s better that it ended. Because as you said it yourself, that’s not the kind of relationship you want. You don’t want to dig yourself into something that leaves you “Lonely. Sad. Frustrated. Jealous. Like I wasn’t enough. Desperate. Insecure”.

It’s time to turn a new page, and I’m glad you’re feeling it too. I think the first thing is to make sure that you don’t get tempted to text him (or if you do get tempted, to not actually send the text, because you know from past experiences that it leads to another cycle of the same kind of misery.) How are you feeling on that front, Eva? Do you think your resolve is strong enough to stay away from him, even if he reaches out?

I think the steps outlined by Darren Magee (which I outlined above) can be a great help, specifically in fighting the urge to go back, and in general in recovery after narcissistic abuse. What do you think, have you taken a look?

Let me know how you’re feeling and what you think/feel would be the best next step for you <3