Dear Eva,

it’s good that you’re digging deeper into those patterns and understanding how and why his behavior hurt you, even if doing so is very painful for you.

I wasn’t really asking for a perfect conversation.

I wanted to feel like he wanted to know me.

It seems that the pattern was that initially, of his own accord, he would show no sincere interest in you. Then you’d complain about it, then he would try to accommodate you, but his behavior seemed forced and more like a chore, not something he’s happy to do:

It didn’t feel like two people who naturally wanted to talk to each other.

It felt like:

“Okay, tell me what you have to say.”

There were no follow-up questions. No curiosity. No little comments that make a conversation feel alive. I would say something, and there would be almost nothing coming back.

Or when making plans, he didn’t include or consult you, i.e. he didn’t take you into consideration. You only became interesting if his other plans fell through (It felt like I was the option that became available once everything else was uncertain.)

Also, he didn’t want to invite you to social events:

You can have plans with other people and still think, “Maybe she’d like to come.”

In fact, he was hiding you from other people, denying that you two are in a relationship. With such an attitude (a twisted attitude), it’s no wonder that he didn’t want to include you in his plans with other people. Since he wanted to keep your existence, or at least the nature of your relationship, a secret…

I told him I wanted him to ask questions without me having to poke him.

You wanted him to express genuine care and interest in you, without you having to nag about it…

And when I questioned why he hadn’t simply told me, the conversation somehow turned into an explanation of why my reaction was the problem.

And suddenly we weren’t talking about what happened anymore. We were talking about whether I was allowed to be upset about it.

He accuses you of reacting too emotionally (“losing yourself”), while refusing to acknowledge any bad behavior on his part. He accuses you of overreaction, however, he refuses to admit that you have the right to get upset, because his behavior is clearly upsetting and hurtful.

The following is a very profound realization:

And I think that’s where my anger actually comes from.

Underneath the anger is hurt.

Underneath the hurt is fear.

And underneath the fear is a very simple question:

“Do I matter to you in the way you matter to me?”

Yes. And I think the answer to the last question is quite clear and visible from the way he’s been treating you over the years.

I don’t need to prove that he’s a terrible person.

I don’t need to prove that he’s intentionally cruel.

I don’t even need to prove that he’s wrong.

I can simply acknowledge that I am miserable in this dynamic.

That’s an important realization too. Regardless of what his motives are, you can acknowledge to yourself that you feel miserable in this relationship. That his behavior is hurting you, and that the main problem in the relationship is not your sensitivity but his lack of care and respect for you. And empathy. In other words, the main problem in the relationship is not you, but him and his hurtful behavior.

And that’s difficult to accept because part of me still desperately wants him to become the person who finally gives me the thing I’ve been asking for.

It’s good that you’re aware of that need. Please know that the need to be treated with love, care and respect is a legitimate need.
It’s important that you don’t let him gaslight you into believing that your needs are too much. Don’t let him convince you that he is a loving and caring person while there is something terribly wrong with you.

As for the need for him to change and meet your emotional needs, well, that part is a bit trickier, but it’s good that you are aware of that too.

The sad reality is that some people are emotionally stunted and unable to be in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. They are also not willing to recognize that there is something wrong with them, but are shifting the blame on others. From his past reactions it seems he is one of those people, unfortunately.

He didn’t budge, i.e. didn’t become open to understanding your perspective and your pain, even after years of you trying to explain and beg. The chances that something would finally change and he would “see the light” are minuscule, I’m afraid.

Nevertheless, it’s good that you are aware of your emotional needs (which are totally legitimate), and also that you’re working om understanding yourself more and more. This will definitely help in your healing. <3

Hi Alessa,

wow, you’re really diving into that book – I hope you’re finding it useful! <3

Happy to hear that you and your son are enjoying the summer! Wow, meeting a deer in a local park sounds pretty rare! Or is it a zoo type of establishment?

You really made a great progress with your healing and I’m happy for you! ❤️

I did have some unexpected obstacles getting my holiday started, but I haven’t given up! Hope to head to the beach soon! 😊

Wishing you a pleasant remainder of the summer! ❤️

Dear Eva,

I see your pain, but also a growing realization of the patterns in your relationship and how some things have been repeating over and over again.

It’s funny how he complained that he had peace in that month when you didn’t communicate (That for the entire month we weren’t talking, he had peace.), but still, he was the one who reached out first (Then, out of nowhere, he started texting me again.)

If I remember well, it’s not the first time that he was the one who withdraws (after listing his complaints about you), and then wants to reconnect after a while. He is the one who lures you into his web, gives you a day or two of “paradise”, and then quickly goes back to his old, cold and insensitive self.

It’s almost like he needs a hit of adrenaline or dopamine, and he gets it by enticing you, seducing you, getting what he wants from you, and then discarding you. He is there to take from you, not to give, I’m afraid.

While he is seducing you, he is of course on his best behavior:

It’s that twenty-four hours earlier he had shown me exactly the version of himself I had spent six years waiting for. He proved he could be attentive, warm, affectionate and emotionally present. He texted me all night. He asked questions. He cared about what I was doing. He made me feel safe.

That was the love-bombing, aka the hoovering phase: when the narcissist wants something from you and use all of their charm to seduce you. He knows exactly what you want and like, and how you like to be treated. But he only gives it to you during the love-bombing/hoovering phase. As soon as he gets what he wants from you, he switches off the charm and goes back to being cold.

Instead, I keep ending up in the same place—feeling guilty for wanting attention from the person who says he loves me.

That’s his biggest lie: that he loves you. More correct would be: he loves to use you. To take advantage of you.

And somehow, after all of that, I’m still the one wondering whether I’m the problem.

I think a part of the reason why you think like that is that he is always portraying you as the problem and himself as a loving and caring person. And he uses his intermittent love-bombing/”sweetness” as a proof that he is indeed loving and attentive.

Whereas in reality, a loving person doesn’t switch between hot and cold all the time. They are not caring and attentive one day, only to tell you that you have an ugly personality the next day.

What he is doing is bait-and-switch, actually. And it’s a manipulation tactic, not an expression of love.

And I think another reason why you tend to doubt yourself is your childhood experience, where you were blamed as well and where your needs didn’t matter. And so you’re more susceptible to such false accusations and self-doubt.

But it’s great that you’re realizing and acknowledging your truth more and more, and slowly but surely starting to reject his narrative.

As for action, I’m almost sure he’ll reach out again. Last time you said you were careful at first, but then he managed to do his trick on you:

At first I was careful. I didn’t want to believe anything had changed because I’ve been through this cycle too many times before. But then something happened that gave me hope again.

If he reaches out again, try to keep in mind that what he is doing is baiting. He hasn’t changed, he’s doing the same old trick again, even if it seems upgraded with extra “sweetness.” Try to see it as a baiting tactic, nothing more.

I am rooting for you, Eva! You’re doing an amazing job gaining more and more clarity. <3

Hi Alessa,

I’m glad you find the book interesting – hope you’ll find it in the audio format as well!

Aw that’s so sweet that you went to the beach and he got to meet Mr. Crab and 2 fish!! 😊 I’m happy he’s enjoying the summer and has no fear of water either!

Also, it’s good to read that you’ve returned to that beach and are reclaiming it and making new memories… that’s a testimony of an amazing healing, Alessa! ❤️

My summer holidays haven’t started fully yet, but I hope to get to the beach very soon and make a splash 😊

Hi Alessa,

you’re very welcome, I hope the books is helpful! Gabor Maté is an expert in childhood needs (and teaches the concept of the inner child too), and he is aware of the mistakes he himself made as a young parent.. So I hope he can give good guidance on authoritative parenting, setting loving boundaries etc.

Oh I see, it’s mostly for the group excursions to the nearby forest that you worry he might have problems with, because it is required that he hold hands with another kid when crossing the road and moves along swiftly, I guess, without stopping frequently and getting distracted, right? Perhaps you can practice walking across the same road with him, holding his hand, so he gets used to it? And if he is reluctant, maybe you can say it’s a practice for his kindergarten and a precondition for going to group excursions?

I do hope he fits in well and adjusts quickly to the new environment. 🙏

Thank you so much for your kindness and support, Alessa, and wishing you and your boy happy summer days! 😊❤️

Dear Eva,

I feel how his comments influence me now, and I feel like I am not beautiful or enough. I think he purposefully acted like an asshole towards me for some reason. I feel like he would mock me with his friends group now, that I am stupid or naive or whatever.

Even if he acted like an a**hole on purpose, he is still an a**hole, no doubt about that. And as Roberta said, you don’t want to bother about what an a**hole thinks of you. You don’t want to take such a person’s opinion into consideration.

I’m sorry that his comments hurt you, but please disregard them because they speak of him, not of you. The best would be to ignore him. If you meet him during working hours, you may greet him and that’s it. I wouldn’t get into discussions with him, nor would I try to prove anything, or to revenge in some way. You don’t need to act tough or bitchy – simply ignore him. Don’t react to him, even if he tries to provoke you.

Part of me thought it was strange because he didn’t seem interested in taking me on an actual date, getting coffee, or getting to know each other properly. But I also felt like this was probably the only chance we’d actually spend time together, so I said yes.

It sounds like a part of you had a healthy self-protective reaction, because you didn’t really know much about him (including what kind of motorbike rider he is).. but another part of you really wanted to get to know him better, and so you’ve overridden your healthy instinct in order to accommodate him.

It’s good than nothing bad happened and as you said, he wasn’t physically aggressive or anything. But still, perhaps the way forward would be to listen to your gut feeling more, and if something feels off or not to your liking, to simply refuse it. You’re allowed to take care of yourself and your needs first (including your safety needs), and if someone doesn’t want to respect that, well, too bad for them, then they don’t deserve your attention.

What do you say?

Dear Eva,

first I’d like to say that no matter how hard it is for you to finally see the truth, it’s great that you can do it and that you can so clearly express your outrage at how things have been for such a long time.

I’m deeply sorry things happened this way. I genuinely believed I wanted us to work and that I could build a life with him. But if there’s one thing I remember, it’s that I always felt alone in that relationship.

Lonely. Sad. Frustrated. Jealous. Like I wasn’t enough. Desperate. Insecure.

I don’t know how I kept allowing that for so many years. That’s not what a partner is supposed to make you feel. That’s not what a relationship is supposed to be. That’s not what life is supposed to be.

It’s great that you can see that this is not how a relationship should be. I think this alone is the first step to healing: realizing that how he treated you was toxic and that you absolutely don’t deserve it and shouldn’t accept it in any future relationship.

This right there could be a set of red flags for a future relationship: if your partner is dismissing your feelings and your needs, if he is hiding you from the world and making excuses, if he is blaming you for having legitimate needs, if he refuses to take responsibility for his bad behavior.

And no, I don’t think I’ll ever understand how he could look at me with so little regard that he allowed himself to treat me that way.

A narcissistic person unfortunately has little regard for others and can go to great lengths at exploiting people if no boundaries are set. The cure with those people, and in general in relationships, is to love and respect ourselves enough and not allow them to treat us like that.

In other words, you have to stand up for yourself and not allow them to treat you like that. You cannot count on them to “see the light” and treat you better.

I think this subject has been analyzed and talked to death over all these years. The only thing that was ever missing was real action—something lasting that would actually change things. And in this case, there was only one possible action left:

The end.

Sadly.

Yes, you’ve try to talk about it with him for many years. But it fell on deaf ears, because unfortunately he is not the kind of person who had empathy or understanding for you. He was using various tricks to keep you hopeful, but nothing was ever changing. He was just using you.

And now you’ve finally had enough, now you could finally see through his lies and manipulations. Which is great. That you broke the spell.

Even if you’re sorry that it ended, with this particular person it’s better that it ended. Because as you said it yourself, that’s not the kind of relationship you want. You don’t want to dig yourself into something that leaves you “Lonely. Sad. Frustrated. Jealous. Like I wasn’t enough. Desperate. Insecure”.

It’s time to turn a new page, and I’m glad you’re feeling it too. I think the first thing is to make sure that you don’t get tempted to text him (or if you do get tempted, to not actually send the text, because you know from past experiences that it leads to another cycle of the same kind of misery.) How are you feeling on that front, Eva? Do you think your resolve is strong enough to stay away from him, even if he reaches out?

I think the steps outlined by Darren Magee (which I outlined above) can be a great help, specifically in fighting the urge to go back, and in general in recovery after narcissistic abuse. What do you think, have you taken a look?

Let me know how you’re feeling and what you think/feel would be the best next step for you <3