Dear Eva,

just a clarification: when I said that only we can heal our inner child, I didn’t mean we should do it alone.

It’s important to get help from supportive people, including a good therapist, a trusted friend, or e.g. a support group online. You need people who won’t blame you for having needs, who won’t tell you that you’re wrong or selfish for having them. I hope you do have or can find such people in your life. And please continue posting here, if it helps at all.

Wishing you all the best! <3

Dear Eva,

I hear you and understand your predicament: you have come to understand (rationally, intellectually) that your ex isn’t capable of giving you what you need. But emotionally, it’s hard to let go of him:

I don’t have a problem with understanding what? Why and how, but I have a problem with understanding how to proceed and let go of something like this.

Emotionally, it seems you’re still craving his validation: for him to tell you that you’re a good person and that you’re not wrong for having needs:

I have the urge to make him understand what he is doing wrong. How can he repair his behaviour and what he can do about me and I am constantly on purpose trying to validate myself in his mind so I can have like a validation that I’ve been a good person that I’ve done nothing wrong

We’ve talked about this before, but I think it’s your inner child that needs validation that she is a good person, who is worthy of love. That she did nothing wrong and has been wrongly accused. Your inner child is trying to finish the unfinished business with your father, and get love and validation from a person who reminds you of your father.

That’s what I think is going on, and why it’s so hard to let go. It is your inner child’s legitimate need for love and validation. Or as you said: the need for attention, love and care:

I am deep drowning in all my decisions in the past all of my situations romanticising everything and because of the lack of attention and love and care

You didn’t get those needs met while growing up: the need to attention, love, care, and validation. And you’re trying to meet them in romantic relationships… but you get attracted (like many of us do) to people who can’t meet those needs. But in all honesty, no one can meet our childhood needs, not even an emotionally healthy and mature partner. The only person who can do it is ourselves.

I wonder how open you are to the concept of inner child healing? It’s all about meeting our own childhood emotional needs (for love, care, attention, validation) and becoming emotionally whole within. It doesn’t mean that we don’t need anyone and become self-sufficient, but rather, that we can choose good, healthy relationships for ourselves, where we will be loved and appreciated for who we are.

I find this loop of being back in the past all the time which really bothers me and I cannot understand how to understand that if something is not working okay? That is not working, and just let it go.

I hope that my suggestion makes sense: that you can’t let go because of those unmet childhood emotional needs (for love, care, attention and validation). Which you now hope to get from your romantic partners (specially those who remind you of your neglectful/abusive father).

So it’s the inner child’s craving that doesn’t allow you to let go, and that makes you emotionally attached to this guy, even if you rationally know that he isn’t good for you.

What do you think? Does this make sense to you?

Dear Caroline,

I am really sorry you feel like doing a summary of your life because it has ended. It seems like the hope of a life being better again has ended? And you feel like you’ve become a different person and don’t recognize yourself anymore?

What I know for sure is that trauma and abuse can and do change us. I know you’ve had issues in your childhood that left you feeling not good enough. And there were things in your adult relationships as well, where it doesn’t seem like you were respected like you should have been. This can deepen our trauma and make us feel even more separated from ourselves.

If you feel like talking about any of it, you’re very welcome. I certainly hope that you can get in touch with your true self and real joy, rather than feeling like things need to stay the way they are and there is no hope for improvement. Rooting for you, Caroline, and hope to talk to you some more! ❤️

Dear Eva,

I’m afraid he is still his old self, nothing has changed in his mind. Your attempts to explain how you feel by using a metaphor haven’t moved him either… He is sticking to his perspective, which is that he is a good guy, patient, that he’s been giving you time to sort yourself out, but that you keep bothering him with your complaints:

He answered that he had also been patient with me. He said he’d warned me for over a year that he was reaching his limit, that he’d given me multiple chances, broke his own promises to leave because he kept hoping things would improve, but nothing changed from his perspective.

His perspective is also this:

From his perspective, I’m exhausting. I’m too emotional. I create conflict. I don’t appreciate what he does. He says a relationship should bring peace, and that I’m the reason it doesn’t.

No matter how hard you try explaining, his perspective isn’t changing. He thinks he is giving you chances. He is waiting for you to change.

Whereas your perspective is this:

From my perspective, I spent years fighting for what felt like basic emotional connection: communication, reassurance, affection, and feeling chosen.

As we’ve discussed earlier, your perspective it true. Based on everything you’ve shared, he is a selfish man who is only using you, and intends to use you until you say stop, I’m afraid.

It’s great that you can see things much more clearly now, and could articulate it to him:

I’ve stretched my own boundaries for him far more than I should have.
I don’t deserve to be treated like this.
If he’s afraid of commitment or emotional vulnerability, that’s something he has to figure out himself.
The way he treats me doesn’t resemble love anymore.
I’m tired of having to convince someone why I deserve kindness.

That’s amazing that you have that clarity. Now the next step would be to realize and accept – no matter how hard it is – that he isn’t going to change. That trying to make him understand and see your point is futile.

Because what seems to be happening is that you try to explain, you put your foot down and stand up for yourself. And then he gives you breadcrumbs and spends a nice evening with you, effectively disarming you, making you soft and all hopeful again. And you stay hooked in that spider web of his, where you keep hoping that he would change, trying to explain things, getting confused again by his intermittent “sweetness”, and the cycle continues…

I’m afraid it’s never going to get better, Eva. He’s not changing, he doesn’t have the slightest intention to change. In fact, he is telling you that you should change, and that he’s not happy with you not changing. And that that’s why he has been thinking about breaking up for good for the last year.

Do you see that his and your perspective are diametrically opposite? You want him to change, while he doesn’t see any fault in his behavior and wants you to change??

Because from my perspective, asking someone out, spending a lovely evening together, kissing them… and then saying the next morning, “I’m still thinking about what we should do” feels incredibly confusing.

Yes, it is, and it’s very hurtful. And as you said, terribly confusing. But that’s one of their (a narcissistic person’s) main strategies: mixed messages. He is toying with you, giving you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you hooked. Awakening that hope in you again and again… and then letting you down the next morning. It’s his tactics, Eva, not something he wants to grow out of or heal.

The only way is to see through his manipulation and stop hoping that he would change… I know it’s hard, especially because he can occasionally be so sweet and kind. But that’s the intermittent reinforcement and serves to keep you hooked, even if he doesn’t have any serious intention to change.

Hi Alessa,

thank you for your understanding and prayers for more good days – that’s exactly what I’m praying for too 🙏 ❤️

Good to hear that you’ve got everything ready for your boy for November!

As for dealing with temper tantrums, the experts say it’s most important to establish a strong, secure attachment with the child, which will in turn help them deal with occasional frustration. In fact, they say that it’s okay to let the child feel a mild frustration occasionally (e.g. saying no to something), because that will help them deal with frustration later during school years and beyond.

There is a book on parenting, written by an expert whom I greatly admire, Dr. Gabor Maté. I didn’t know he wrote a book on parenting too, but I can imagine it’s really valuable. The title is “Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers“, by Dr. Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Maté.

I totally get that you don’t want to cause any trauma to your son, but it seems it’s okay to cause mild frustration (i.e. set boundaries that no kid likes) – if there is a loving, secure attachment, where they can express their frustration and still be held lovingly by you, rather than being punished for expressing their anger.

Wishing you and your boy a successful start of a new big chapter in life! ❤️

Dear Eva,

I won’t beat around the bush, but immediately answer your question:

Does this sound like someone who’s just very blunt, or does his overall attitude seem disrespectful to you too?

Oh yes, his overall attitude seems very disrespectful – he takes you out on what seems to be an ad hoc date and then spends time putting you down and criticizing you.

And he agrees in some aspects with Andrew Tate, whom I don’t know much about, except that he is a self-proclaimed misogynist, who was “charged with rape, human trafficking and forming an organised crime group to sexually exploit women.”

I wonder what kind of treatment he thinks is fine “if a woman deserves it”…?

He didn’t seem curious about getting to know me.
It felt like he was constantly labeling me, judging me, or telling me what kind of person I was instead of asking questions.

There you go, Eva, you’ve described him well: a judgmental, disrespectful, macho/misogynist guy, who didn’t even bother to pretend that he likes you. Which is in a way better, because at least he’s shown you his true face immediately, unlike your ex who was very sweet in the beginning. So at least he doesn’t pretend to be something that he isn’t.

But it only means one thing: stay away from him, you don’t want to have anything to do with a guy like that. He seems he enjoyed putting you down and toying with you!

Instead I came home wondering if I had just gone out with someone who’s emotionally immature, trying too hard to be “macho,” or if this is just a completely normal personality type that some women actually enjoy.

This is not a normal personality type, but a women-hater. I can’t think of a woman who would enjoy being told that she is too skinny, that she overdressed, that she is flawed in this or that way – on the first outing with a guy! Heck, he told you you’re not normal (“You’re alternative. “alternative girls aren’t normal”.).

So really, I don’t think there’s any doubt about who he really is and how he likes to treat women.

I’d genuinely appreciate outside opinions because I feel like my previous relationship has made me question my own judgment.

Your judgment is fine Eva, you’ve spotted the red flags immediately. And my suggestion is: lose his number, don’t contact him, and don’t go on any more dates, even if he asks you.

Dear Eva,

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. But it’s totally understandable after finally seeing the truth of the situation, the truth of his callousness and manipulation…. that you feel extremely disappointed and angry at him, yourself and life.

It has been a rude awakening but a necessary one, and from now on, you can start building your life on something real and solid. But it will be a long process to slowly get to know yourself and appreciate yourself. And love yourself…

You said last year that you only know toxic love. That too is understandable, unfortunately, since your upbringing was far from ideal. You didn’t get a healthy and supportive parental love. And so you have a hard time feeling love and compassion for yourself…

I’m 28 years old, my family expects me to do something glamorous with my life, but I do it, everyone has expectations for me and I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know how I imagine my life, I don’t know where to start, I don’t even know how to achieve what I want, everything seems unattainable to me.

You’d need to get in touch with yourself. With your needs, desires, likes, dislikes… Instead of trying to please others and caring about their needs, you’d need to turn your attention inwards and listen to what you need….

Slow things down, put on pause those outside voices and their expectations, and listen to yourself, to the song of your soul. I’m not saying this is easy, but the real liberation is within, in getting in touch with your true, beautiful, unique self <3

How does this sound?

If you want to explore things further, I’d be happy to help if I can <3

Dear Eva,

I’ve found a great video that answers some of your questions, which is basically how to break the trauma bond. The title is “Understanding Intermittent Reinforcement in Narcissistic Relationships”. It’s on Darren Magee’s youtube channel.

This is what I’ve gleaned from the video:

A relationship with a narcissist is really addictive and might as well be treated like an addiction, because of a special tactic they use on the victim, which is called intermittent reinforcement.

This means they sometimes treat the victim with kindness and affection, and sometimes with utter disdain. Sometimes their behavior can be predicted, and sometimes it’s completely random and depends of their mood that day. This roller-coaster of never knowing how you will be treated creates a constant anxiety, as well as craving to get the positive reinforcement (moments of kindness and affection) and avoid the negative reinforcement (criticism, silent treatment, punishment).

The victim is conditioned to seek approval and avoid their abuser’s displeasure, at the cost of their own self-interest and well-being.

Due to a lot of mixed messages, the victim is confused and has trouble reconciling the person’s loving and abusive actions. This leads to confusion, i.e. cognitive dissonance. Many victims report that a compliment or a kind gesture is immediately followed by a sarcastic remark, e.g. “you look nice, for a change.” Or a degrading remark in front of others aimed at humiliating you is followed by a hug or a compliment.

Mixed messages deepen the internal conflict and can further trap the victim in the relationship, because they are confused and struggle to see the situation clearly.

How to break free from trauma bond (this is mostly transcribed from the video, with my comments inserted):

1. Recognize the patterns (e.g. the positive reinforcement might come whenever they want something from you, or when they see you becoming distant. So they give you breadcrumbs to keep you hooked. Whereas angry outbursts or silent treatment might come whenever you say no or want to do something for yourself. Positive reinforcement, e.g. them breaking the silent treatment, might come whenever you back down and compromise. So learn the patterns, learn the cycle.

2. Find a good therapist who understands narcissistic abuse (Eva, you said you’ve been to therapy. Have you talked about potential narcissistic abuse?).

3. Build a support system: reconnect with friends and family members who can offer emotional support and different perspective (perhaps your sister?), or build a new support network (e.g. consider joining an online support group with people who have similar experiences and are walking the same path. It’s great that you’ve reached out here as well!).

4. Participate in activities you enjoy. This will give you a natural boost of dopamine which will help replace the dopamine released in the trauma bond.

5. Practice self-compassion and self-care, know that you deserve to be treated with love, respect and kindness.

6. Set new private and professional goals that are independent of the narcissistic person’s influence. Make decisions that don’t depend on their approval.

7. If you can, end all contact. If you can’t (because of professional or family obligations, e.g. you have children with them), reduce and manage contact.

8. Accept that recovery can be a long-term commitment. The trauma bond didn’t develop overnight. Abuse was a long, insidious process, which many people don’t even realize it’s happening until they’re in the middle of it. So give yourself time and patience.

9. Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it may be.

I hope this is useful, Eva. I guess your ex was heavily using intermittent reinforcement and making it very confusing for you. From what I could understand, he was promising to make your relationship public, but it never happened. That was one such positive thing that you got hooked on and kept hoping for, which perhaps made you tolerate some things that you otherwise wouldn’t have?

As for mixed messages, you mentioned the occasion when he let you invite your friends to a concert, but then kept his distance from both you and your friends, walking separately, not speaking to them, etc. It’s like first he hooked you with the promise of a night out in the company of others, and then he sabotaged it. A mixed message. Or he invites you to his apartment, and then completely ignores you. A mixed message.

It was crazy making! No wonder it made you frustrated and confused.

Anyway, hope this was useful… rooting for you, Eva, and hope to hear from you again! <3