Home→Forums→Relationships→Having attachment issues and letting go issues
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anita.
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August 5, 2026 at 2:31 pm #459879
anitaParticipantDear Eva:
I studied your posts for a few hours today and would like to offer you my perspective. It may resonate, it may not — you decide.
The mismatch, as I see it, is between your anxious‑preoccupied attachment and his avoidant attachment.
He shows many hallmarks of avoidant attachment: difficulty sustaining emotional closeness, warm in short bursts and cold afterward, withdrawing when overwhelmed, becoming defensive when confronted, minimizing problems, feeling “peace” when alone, returning when lonely rather than ready to change, struggling to tolerate emotional demands, and disconnecting through phone use.
Avoidant partners crave connection but fear the responsibility and emotional intensity that come with it. So, they come close, get overwhelmed, pull away, feel lonely, return, and repeat. This is the classic anxious–avoidant cycle.
It also fits with him keeping the relationship a secret, because avoidant partners often keep relationships “off the record” to avoid labels, public acknowledgment, social visibility, and relational responsibility.
He can genuinely be warm in short bursts, but he can’t sustain that level of closeness, and that inconsistency keeps you hopeful because those warm moments feel so meaningful.
You’re not “too much,” and he’s not intentionally hurting you — it’s simply a painful mismatch between what you need and what he can consistently give.
If you feel like responding, I’d appreciate hearing your view.
🌿 Anita
August 6, 2026 at 3:41 am #459888
EvaParticipantYeah, I understand the attachment styles, and I know that I have an anxious attachment, and he has the avoidant type, and I was trying to adapt and find a way to communicate and empathise so I can find a middle ground so we can function together, but it seems like it cannot happen. It’s just like a one-sided street that always I have to do the effort and the understanding and being patient and understanding everything that he wants or he needs but when I’m trying to express my needs it’s not happening so I’m having trouble with finding a way how to accept that we are totally different and that we cannot function because of our styles and because the disrespect in this relationship has gone too far, I don’t have a problem with understanding what? Why and how, but I have a problem with understanding how to proceed and let go of something like this. I have the urge to make him understand what he is doing wrong. How can he repair his behaviour and what he can do about me and I am constantly on purpose trying to validate myself in his mind so I can have like a validation that I’ve been a good person that I’ve done nothing wrong that he just doesn’t deserve me or he’s not good to me but I know that that won’t happen because he doesn’t understand that he doesn’t see it as that and sometimes I know that I need to get closure by myself. But it’s just so hard for example yesterday I saw my other ex his friend and I understood something about myself that I can’t let go of past experiences and past relationships like I am deep drowning in all my decisions in the past all of my situations romanticising everything and because of the lack of attention and love and care that I didn’t get in this relationship I miss so much my other ex and I am craving his attention and being with him because even though there was a time when he was also very toxic to me, but he would also be emotionally present and emotionally available he would make me feel loved in a good sense but he decided to end the relationship and he decided to ignore my attempt to get back together many times, so that means that he is done for good, but I still keep romanticising getting back with him even though he might be like a totally different person now after these years and I find this loop of being back in the past all the time which really bothers me and I cannot understand how to understand that if something is not working okay? That is not working, and just let it go.
August 6, 2026 at 12:03 pm #459899anitaParticipantDear Eva: I’ll reply in a couple of hours or so 🙂
August 6, 2026 at 2:08 pm #459904anitaParticipantDear Eva:
You’re seeing the situation clearly. You understand the attachment styles, you understand the dynamic, and you understand that the relationship has become one‑sided. The problem now isn’t clarity — it’s letting go.
And what you’re feeling makes sense when you look at your childhood. You grew up with a father who pulled away, stayed silent for days, got angry easily, and made you feel like you had to be perfect to keep the peace — while your mother didn’t buffer the harm. You grew up without anyone saying, ‘you’re good, you’re safe, and I’m here.’
So, you learned that when someone withdraws, it must be because you did something wrong. And now, when a partner becomes distant or avoidant, your nervous system reacts the same way — you try harder, you explain more, you chase understanding, and you look for validation that you’re a good person and not the cause of the disconnection.
But you need to remember who you are in all of this. You’ve built yourself into a strong, disciplined, hardworking woman. You’ve achieved things through effort, consistency, and resilience. You’re self‑aware enough to look at your patterns honestly. You’re emotionally intelligent enough to understand attachment styles and how they shape relationships. You’re brave enough to confront your past instead of running from it. You care deeply, you reflect deeply, and you show up with sincerity — even when it costs you. These are strengths, not weaknesses.
You’re not actually trying to fix this relationship anymore. You’re trying to fix that old childhood feeling of being misunderstood, being seen as ‘the problem,’ or being blamed for someone else’s withdrawal. That’s why letting go feels so hard, and why you keep romanticizing past relationships where you felt even a little emotional presence. You’re not craving the person — you’re craving the feeling of being understood and seen as good.
None of this means you’re doing anything wrong. It means you’re carrying a wound from childhood into your adult relationships. The work now is not to make him understand you, but to understand yourself — to remember that you were always good, especially as a little girl trying your very best to make your parents happy and to keep peace at home, and that your parents’ withdrawals, lack of emotional presence, or unsafe behaviors were never caused by you. You weren’t the problem. They were.
Anita
August 6, 2026 at 2:19 pm #459905anitaParticipantEva, I want to add one thing to what I wrote earlier:
When I said “You weren’t the problem. They were,” what I meant is that your parents’ withdrawals, lack of emotional presence, and unsafe reactions came from their own wounds, not from anything you did. You were a child doing your best. Their behavior was never caused by you.
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