Dear Eva:

I studied your posts for a few hours today and would like to offer you my perspective. It may resonate, it may not — you decide.

The mismatch, as I see it, is between your anxious‑preoccupied attachment and his avoidant attachment.

He shows many hallmarks of avoidant attachment: difficulty sustaining emotional closeness, warm in short bursts and cold afterward, withdrawing when overwhelmed, becoming defensive when confronted, minimizing problems, feeling “peace” when alone, returning when lonely rather than ready to change, struggling to tolerate emotional demands, and disconnecting through phone use.

Avoidant partners crave connection but fear the responsibility and emotional intensity that come with it. So, they come close, get overwhelmed, pull away, feel lonely, return, and repeat. This is the classic anxious–avoidant cycle.

It also fits with him keeping the relationship a secret, because avoidant partners often keep relationships “off the record” to avoid labels, public acknowledgment, social visibility, and relational responsibility.

He can genuinely be warm in short bursts, but he can’t sustain that level of closeness, and that inconsistency keeps you hopeful because those warm moments feel so meaningful.

You’re not “too much,” and he’s not intentionally hurting you — it’s simply a painful mismatch between what you need and what he can consistently give.

If you feel like responding, I’d appreciate hearing your view.

🌿 Anita