Dear Eva:

You’re seeing the situation clearly. You understand the attachment styles, you understand the dynamic, and you understand that the relationship has become one‑sided. The problem now isn’t clarity — it’s letting go.

And what you’re feeling makes sense when you look at your childhood. You grew up with a father who pulled away, stayed silent for days, got angry easily, and made you feel like you had to be perfect to keep the peace — while your mother didn’t buffer the harm. You grew up without anyone saying, ‘you’re good, you’re safe, and I’m here.’

So, you learned that when someone withdraws, it must be because you did something wrong. And now, when a partner becomes distant or avoidant, your nervous system reacts the same way — you try harder, you explain more, you chase understanding, and you look for validation that you’re a good person and not the cause of the disconnection.

But you need to remember who you are in all of this. You’ve built yourself into a strong, disciplined, hardworking woman. You’ve achieved things through effort, consistency, and resilience. You’re self‑aware enough to look at your patterns honestly. You’re emotionally intelligent enough to understand attachment styles and how they shape relationships. You’re brave enough to confront your past instead of running from it. You care deeply, you reflect deeply, and you show up with sincerity — even when it costs you. These are strengths, not weaknesses.

You’re not actually trying to fix this relationship anymore. You’re trying to fix that old childhood feeling of being misunderstood, being seen as ‘the problem,’ or being blamed for someone else’s withdrawal. That’s why letting go feels so hard, and why you keep romanticizing past relationships where you felt even a little emotional presence. You’re not craving the person — you’re craving the feeling of being understood and seen as good.

None of this means you’re doing anything wrong. It means you’re carrying a wound from childhood into your adult relationships. The work now is not to make him understand you, but to understand yourself — to remember that you were always good, especially as a little girl trying your very best to make your parents happy and to keep peace at home, and that your parents’ withdrawals, lack of emotional presence, or unsafe behaviors were never caused by you. You weren’t the problem. They were.

Anita

Dear Eva,

I hear you and understand your predicament: you have come to understand (rationally, intellectually) that your ex isn’t capable of giving you what you need. But emotionally, it’s hard to let go of him:

I don’t have a problem with understanding what? Why and how, but I have a problem with understanding how to proceed and let go of something like this.

Emotionally, it seems you’re still craving his validation: for him to tell you that you’re a good person and that you’re not wrong for having needs:

I have the urge to make him understand what he is doing wrong. How can he repair his behaviour and what he can do about me and I am constantly on purpose trying to validate myself in his mind so I can have like a validation that I’ve been a good person that I’ve done nothing wrong

We’ve talked about this before, but I think it’s your inner child that needs validation that she is a good person, who is worthy of love. That she did nothing wrong and has been wrongly accused. Your inner child is trying to finish the unfinished business with your father, and get love and validation from a person who reminds you of your father.

That’s what I think is going on, and why it’s so hard to let go. It is your inner child’s legitimate need for love and validation. Or as you said: the need for attention, love and care:

I am deep drowning in all my decisions in the past all of my situations romanticising everything and because of the lack of attention and love and care

You didn’t get those needs met while growing up: the need to attention, love, care, and validation. And you’re trying to meet them in romantic relationships… but you get attracted (like many of us do) to people who can’t meet those needs. But in all honesty, no one can meet our childhood needs, not even an emotionally healthy and mature partner. The only person who can do it is ourselves.

I wonder how open you are to the concept of inner child healing? It’s all about meeting our own childhood emotional needs (for love, care, attention, validation) and becoming emotionally whole within. It doesn’t mean that we don’t need anyone and become self-sufficient, but rather, that we can choose good, healthy relationships for ourselves, where we will be loved and appreciated for who we are.

I find this loop of being back in the past all the time which really bothers me and I cannot understand how to understand that if something is not working okay? That is not working, and just let it go.

I hope that my suggestion makes sense: that you can’t let go because of those unmet childhood emotional needs (for love, care, attention and validation). Which you now hope to get from your romantic partners (specially those who remind you of your neglectful/abusive father).

So it’s the inner child’s craving that doesn’t allow you to let go, and that makes you emotionally attached to this guy, even if you rationally know that he isn’t good for you.

What do you think? Does this make sense to you?

Dear Eva,

it’s good that you’re digging deeper into those patterns and understanding how and why his behavior hurt you, even if doing so is very painful for you.

I wasn’t really asking for a perfect conversation.

I wanted to feel like he wanted to know me.

It seems that the pattern was that initially, of his own accord, he would show no sincere interest in you. Then you’d complain about it, then he would try to accommodate you, but his behavior seemed forced and more like a chore, not something he’s happy to do:

It didn’t feel like two people who naturally wanted to talk to each other.

It felt like:

“Okay, tell me what you have to say.”

There were no follow-up questions. No curiosity. No little comments that make a conversation feel alive. I would say something, and there would be almost nothing coming back.

Or when making plans, he didn’t include or consult you, i.e. he didn’t take you into consideration. You only became interesting if his other plans fell through (It felt like I was the option that became available once everything else was uncertain.)

Also, he didn’t want to invite you to social events:

You can have plans with other people and still think, “Maybe she’d like to come.”

In fact, he was hiding you from other people, denying that you two are in a relationship. With such an attitude (a twisted attitude), it’s no wonder that he didn’t want to include you in his plans with other people. Since he wanted to keep your existence, or at least the nature of your relationship, a secret…

I told him I wanted him to ask questions without me having to poke him.

You wanted him to express genuine care and interest in you, without you having to nag about it…

And when I questioned why he hadn’t simply told me, the conversation somehow turned into an explanation of why my reaction was the problem.

And suddenly we weren’t talking about what happened anymore. We were talking about whether I was allowed to be upset about it.

He accuses you of reacting too emotionally (“losing yourself”), while refusing to acknowledge any bad behavior on his part. He accuses you of overreaction, however, he refuses to admit that you have the right to get upset, because his behavior is clearly upsetting and hurtful.

The following is a very profound realization:

And I think that’s where my anger actually comes from.

Underneath the anger is hurt.

Underneath the hurt is fear.

And underneath the fear is a very simple question:

“Do I matter to you in the way you matter to me?”

Yes. And I think the answer to the last question is quite clear and visible from the way he’s been treating you over the years.

I don’t need to prove that he’s a terrible person.

I don’t need to prove that he’s intentionally cruel.

I don’t even need to prove that he’s wrong.

I can simply acknowledge that I am miserable in this dynamic.

That’s an important realization too. Regardless of what his motives are, you can acknowledge to yourself that you feel miserable in this relationship. That his behavior is hurting you, and that the main problem in the relationship is not your sensitivity but his lack of care and respect for you. And empathy. In other words, the main problem in the relationship is not you, but him and his hurtful behavior.

And that’s difficult to accept because part of me still desperately wants him to become the person who finally gives me the thing I’ve been asking for.

It’s good that you’re aware of that need. Please know that the need to be treated with love, care and respect is a legitimate need.
It’s important that you don’t let him gaslight you into believing that your needs are too much. Don’t let him convince you that he is a loving and caring person while there is something terribly wrong with you.

As for the need for him to change and meet your emotional needs, well, that part is a bit trickier, but it’s good that you are aware of that too.

The sad reality is that some people are emotionally stunted and unable to be in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. They are also not willing to recognize that there is something wrong with them, but are shifting the blame on others. From his past reactions it seems he is one of those people, unfortunately.

He didn’t budge, i.e. didn’t become open to understanding your perspective and your pain, even after years of you trying to explain and beg. The chances that something would finally change and he would “see the light” are minuscule, I’m afraid.

Nevertheless, it’s good that you are aware of your emotional needs (which are totally legitimate), and also that you’re working om understanding yourself more and more. This will definitely help in your healing. <3

Dear Eva
You started this thread just over a year ago.
Your last post was 16 Aug 2026 ended with “I genuinely want outside perspective because at this point I don’t trust my own judgment anymore.”
Have the replies that this forum group helped you to grow & be happier in anyway? As far as I can see their replies have consistently been well thought out & caring.
In the arena of No blame, no shame………..You will not get the answers or actions you want form this guy, so the healthiest thing for the both of you is to get out & stay out of this pseudo relationship. Work on any outstanding hurts of your early years first & with luck & perseverance by the time you eventually get round to unpacking this particular relationship, you will hopefully be in a better position to see & deal with any residue.
Tomorrow is another day where you can consciously start to plant the seeds of a happier future. This may sound flippant, but when I remember to set my motivation to work well with my co-workers ( including to learn from them), promote harmony & understanding & to actively listen to my preschoolers/carehome residents. That shift goes much better. ie another little pocket of happiness has been created, which has the potential to ripple out into the wider world both immediately but also far far into the future.
Kind regards
Roberta