Dear Halle:

I’m really sorry to read about what you’re going through. It sounds incredibly tough and it’s understandable that you’re feeling sad and upset. Here are a few thoughts and pieces of advice that might help:

Your feelings are completely valid. It’s natural to feel hurt and overwhelmed when faced with constant criticism and disrespect from those who should be supporting and uplifting you.

Your emotional and physical well-being is crucial, especially given your chronic condition and the recent loss you’ve experienced. Prioritizing your health and finding ways to reduce stress are important steps.

Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. A professional can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and help you develop strategies for coping and healing.

Setting boundaries is important. It’s okay to distance yourself from toxic relationships, even if they involve family members. Protecting your mental health should be a top priority.

Remember that your worth is not defined by others’ opinions or treatment of you. The positive feedback you received at the networking event shows that others see your value and appreciate your company. Trust in your own intrinsic worth.

Reach out to friends or support groups who can offer encouragement and understanding. Surrounding yourself with positive influences can make a significant difference.

If you’re considering separation, it’s important to think about what’s best for you and your child. A separation might provide you the space to heal and reflect on what you need moving forward.

Thank you for sharing your story and reaching out for advice. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Take care of yourself, and remember that you are not alone.

anita

Dear Peter:

I didn’t notice the post you addressed to me the day before yesterday until this Sun morning.

You responded to “the Eternal encompasses all, even the parts we struggle to understand or accept.. doesn’t it?”  with your usual witty humor, which I enjoy: I believe it does. It’s a work, not to work, in progress. 🙂”-

– I like your clever play on words! Indeed, embracing the Eternal is work-no work in progress. Thanks for sharing your thoughtful insight and the smile.

“Its disconcerting when (the realities of) those close to you are so different from yours. I image them saying the same about my reality.. Another post talked about disappointment and asking advice on when to speak and when to stay silent.  I think behind that is this need to be seen and heard, which the current happenings have made even more difficult and likely behind me being just ok and not feeling myself“-

– I want to thoroughly process what you expressed here: you are feeling unsettled by how the realities of those close to you are so different from your own. This highlights a sense of disconnection and difficulty in finding common ground. You imagine that others might feel the same way about your reality. This shows an awareness of mutual misunderstanding and the complexity of human interactions.

Behind the struggle to decide when to speak up and when to stay silent, you identify a fundamental human need, which is to be seen and heard.  This highlights the importance of validation (which involves affirming that what a person feels or thinks is important and reasonable), and recognition (which involves giving credit, praise, or appreciation for someone’s efforts, contributions, or characteristics) in human relationships.

You note that current happenings have made it even more difficult to feel understood and connected. This suggests that external factors, possibly related to broader social/ political or global events, are exacerbating feelings of isolation and disconnection, and that these challenges are likely behind your feeling of being “just okay” and not feeling entirely yourself. This indicates an emotional toll and a longing for deeper connection and understanding.

I can understand, Peter,  how difficult, even tormenting, it can be when the realities of those close to you differ so much from your own: I grew up in this kind of situation where my mother’s reality was that I was a bad girl who needed to be punished, while my reality (an objectively true reality) was that I was a loving girl who needed to be loved. Of course, my most fundamental human need to be seen and heard as I was, was severely unmet.

The need to be seen and heard is such a fundamental part of our human experience, and current political circumstances (recent US elections, for one) amplify those feelings of disconnection and disorientation for many. In regard to politics, when I talk to people with a very different reality, I emphasize what we do agree about, the portions of our realities that we do share. (Although, I need to stop trying too hard to be liked in real-life, so hard that I compromise my authenticity).

Your insight into the balance between speaking up and staying silent is spot on. Navigating when to share and when to hold back can be tough, especially when you’re trying to honor both your own needs and the dynamics of your relationships.

It’s important to take care of yourself and find ways to reconnect with what makes you feel truly like yourself. Whether it’s through personal reflection, creative expression, or finding moments of genuine connection with those who do understand and appreciate your reality.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reflections. You are welcome to share more specifically about the nature of the disconnection, if you feel comfortable about doing so, here, in a new thread, or in another digital platform, and you will find people with larger portions of the same, or very close to the same reality as yours.

anita

Correction: the above post was sent 20 minutes following your most recent post, not 30 minutes..

Dear Danny:

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on Ryan Holiday and Stoic philosophy. The idea of reminding ourselves of our mortality, or memento mori, is indeed powerful. It’s a reminder to cherish each moment and focus on what truly matters in life.

* memento mori is a  Latin phrase that translates to “remember you must die.” It serves as a reminder of the inevitability of death and encourages people to live their lives with purpose and mindfulness.

I agree that contemplating our mortality isn’t morbid but rather a wake-up call to live intentionally and purposefully. When we realize that life is fragile and finite, it becomes easier to let go of trivial worries and concentrate on our values and goals.

In terms of universal truths, here are a few that I find helpful during difficult times:

Impermanence: Everything in life is temporary. Both good and bad times will pass, and this can bring comfort during challenging moments.

Resilience: Human beings are incredibly resilient. We have the innate ability to adapt and overcome adversity.

Gratitude: Focusing on what we are grateful for, no matter how small, can shift our perspective and bring a sense of peace and contentment.

Connection: We are all connected. Seeking and nurturing relationships with others can provide support and remind us that we are not alone in our struggles.

Other undisputed, universal truths: (1) Change is a constant in the universe, (2) Each individual experiences and interprets the world differently based on their perceptions, beliefs, and past experiences, (3) Every action has a corresponding reaction/ consequence (cause and effect). (4) Free will and Responsibility: humans have the capacity to make choices and are responsible for their actions. (5) Love, compassion, and connection are fundamental human needs. Building meaningful relationships is essential for emotional well-being.

*  The Stoic philosophy, or Stoicism, is an ancient Greek school of thought that teaches the development of self-control and fortitude: the strength of mind that enables a person to endure pain or adversity with courage, encompassing resilience and determination in facing difficult situations.

The 4 Cardinal Virtues of Stoicism are wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance (moderation, self-restraint). These virtues are to guide one’s actions and decisions. Stoics emphasize understanding and accepting what is within our control (our thoughts, actions, and attitudes) and what is not (external events, other people’s actions). By focusing on what we can control and accepting what we cannot, Stoics aim to maintain tranquility and avoid unnecessary suffering.

Stoicism teaches that living in harmony with nature, including human nature, leads to a fulfilling life. Humans are rational beings, and living in accordance with reason is central to Stoic practice. Stoics strive to overcome emotions that can lead to destruction within and without, emotions like anger, fear, and envy, by using reason and reflection, and aim to cultivate positive emotions such as joy, love, and a sense of peace through virtuous living.

Stoicism is not just a theoretical philosophy but a practical guide to living well. Stoics use various practices, such as daily reflections, meditation, and mindful living, to incorporate Stoic principles into their daily lives. The focus on resilience, mindfulness, and ethical living resonates with many seeking personal growth and mental well-being.

Thank you for opening up this discussion, Danny It’s always enlightening to explore how different philosophies can guide us through life’s ups and downs.

Last we talked was on Marc 21 this year. You wrote to me back then: “You are right, my best is rarely good enough, although I do believe I have achieved self satisfaction from my efforts many times. If my best is never good enough, what should I aspire to be each day, if not the best version of myself?“- how are you doing these days, if I may ask, in regard to your sense of self-satisfaction and being your best version? Are the Stoic principles and concepts helpful to you in these regards?

Looking forward to reading more from you, Danny, and to reading others’ thoughts and insights!

anita

Dear EvFran:

I’m sorry to read about what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of heavy emotions and tough situations right now.

First, a summary of what you shared: you feel let down by several people and are unsure how to handle these feelings. The options are blocking on social media or confronting the individuals. These are long-standing relationships, which adds complexity to the decision of whether to address the issues or let go. You expressed exhaustion from having to explain and confront others about your feelings, and you anticipate being labeled as “over-sensitive”.

You experienced significant losses in the past three years, including your partner, mother, and close friends. Your uncle is terminally ill, adding to the ongoing stress. Your uncle’s denial of his illness makes the situation even more challenging for you, being on constant alert for emergencies.

You reconnected with an old classmate, which seemed positive initially but has led to confusion and doubt. The friend’s behavior (lateness and avoidance of eye contact) has caused you to question the sincerity of the friendship. The friend mentioned that the doorbell didn’t work despite the your repeated checks to ensure it was functioning. This discrepancy added to your confusion and feelings of unease. You supported this friend significantly during a difficult time, indicating a deep bond. The friend’s recent behavior contrasts sharply with this history, intensifying your disappointment.

You feel disappointed by many people in your life, and are questioning whether to confront these people, like your friend, or to distance yourself from him and everyone and start fresh.

* Second, my thoughts: your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. Whether you decide to speak up or let go, what’s most important is finding a path that feels right for you and helps you heal.

If addressing these issues directly feels too exhausting right now, it is okay to take a step back and give yourself some space. On the other hand, if you feel that expressing your feelings would bring closure or relief, it might be worth finding a gentle, non-confrontational way to communicate your feelings to the people involved.

Regarding your friend: it is possible that there was a genuine issue with the doorbell that your friend experienced, even if it seemed to work fine when you checked it. Technical glitches can sometimes be intermittent.

He might have felt nervous or anxious about the meeting, which could explain the avoidance of eye contact. Social anxiety can make it difficult for people to maintain eye contact and engage fully in conversations. He might be dealing with current personal issues or stress that made it challenging for him to be fully present during your time together. Maybe he had distractions on his mind, affecting his ability to focus on making the visit happen properly.

Maybe he made assumptions about your availability and mood based on his past experiences, or past misunderstandings with you. This could explain (?) why he thought you were angry or not at home.

The dynamics of friendships can change over time, especially after long periods of separation. It’s possible that the connection you felt last year has shifted, and he’s adjusting to this change.

You offered as a possible reason for him avoiding eye contact with you the following: “maybe I am just ugly to look at“. Maybe he thought this about himself and was embarrassed, so he avoided looking into your eyes. He might be experiencing his own insecurities or doubts, which could manifest in behaviors like avoiding eye contact.

In conclusion, his recent behaviors might be more about issues in his persona life than about issues he has with you. It’s important to communicate openly and address the concerns you have with him. If you feel comfortable, consider discussing your feelings and observations with him in a non-confrontational way. This can help clarify any misunderstandings and potentially strengthen your friendship.

If you’d like to share more examples or talk more about this example, please do.

anita