Hi Girija:

“You look very happy in the photo, radiant!” — I wish you could see the big smile on my face reading that.

“LIITs, Jäger bombs, tequila shots” — I didn’t know this about you, and now I do. Still smiling.

“Maybe it is to numb but it is damn fun.” — I get that. Fun matters! I had too little of it for too long.

Your line made me think of Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper.

“I became more extroverted… I actually like and need people.” — This is huge. It’s expansion. It’s you discovering parts of yourself that were waiting.

The throwball story… that hit me. A kid being criticized daily, crying at the court. And now the adult version of you walking away from a team at work instead of shrinking or fixing yourself — that’s strength. That’s clarity. That’s you choosing yourself 🙂

Beautiful Girija is walking away from what hurts and walking toward what feels real 👏👏👏

More tomorrow (close to 11 pm here)

Anita

Hi Girija 🙂

I went back to your 2nd of three threads, where I quoted your words from your first thread (March- May 2019), and wrote down on a piece of paper three things you said back then.

In your recent post (7+ years later), you expressed something like feeling like an ant.

Back in 2019 you wrote: “I am really starting to see that it is like a factory, and we are all machinery”.

In your recent post, you wrote: “I don’t have an instinct towards anything… I’ve removed myself from living… Nothing innately pushes me.”

Back in 2019, you wrote: “My mother taught me- to not try to change your situation as you may lose what you already have”,

and,

“Being paralyzed by fear and being overwhelmed by stress has been a pattern for a long time.”

(Sincerely, Girija, I don’t know where I’m going in this reply. Let’s see if I’ll be going anywhere at all 🤔)

You wrote in your recent post: “Life was stuck and he came along and gave it colour”.

Life was stuck in grey and he gave it color.

Surviving life like an industrious ant, or like a machine in a factory (because really living life is dangerous, as you might lose what you already have)- you end up minimized by fear, psychologically shrunk by fear (no instinct… nothing innate).

See the photo above my name, Girija? That’s me dancing back in Oct 2025. It was to indoors live music that played a short distance away (it was raining that evening, so the band did not take place outdoors).

It was a moment of colour, of expanding the shrinkage. A small moment, yet it was everything. The dancing (and the red wine involved) dissolved the fear- paralysis that evening.

Do you, did you ever danced to music, Girija?

💃 Anita

Dear Girija:

For some reason I am very tired and it’s only 12:12 pm (by the time I submit this)

I’ll answer further later, but for now, what crossed my mind as I read your post, is how intelligent you are, and how emotionally honest. It’s a kind of beauty that makes this one “ant” ( you 🙂) rise way above the ant-ness she was born into.

✨️✨️✨️ Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

How are you this Greek Sat Evening 🙂 ?

You wrote yesterday,in regard to my mention of your pattern of intensity=> shutdown=> intensity=> shutdown, a pattern that, I said, would make any partner feel insecure:

“I never showed this pattern to her, I’ve always been caring and loving towards her, even when I wasn’t feeling it.”-

Does this mean that she has never noticed your emotional shutdowns and doubt?

That you never told her anything about the shutdowns or doubts, or that those never came across by the tone of your voice, facial expressions, silence or sudden coldness?

🤔 Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

I can hear how much this is hurting you, and I’m concerned for you.

When the heart is in shock, nothing makes sense at first. You didn’t lose her because you’re a bad person. You lost her because both of you were overwhelmed in ways neither of you understood at the time.

Tell me how you’re feeling right now, Confused. I’m here.

🌿 Anita

Edit: Sincerely, Confused- not Copilot (3rd paragraph).

Actually I took a moment to ask Copilot to answer you directly:

Dear Confused,

I read what you wrote, and I want to speak to you directly and steadily, because you’re asking something important: “How can I change this pattern?”

First, what you described — feeling indifferent when you’re out with friends, then getting hit hard when you’re alone — fits the same nervous‑system cycle we talked about. When you’re distracted or socially engaged, your system feels safer. When you’re alone, the feelings come back because there’s nothing protecting you from them. That part is normal.

About the shutdown pattern itself:
You didn’t “choose” it, and you didn’t create it for this girl. It’s a protective response that shows up only when the emotional stakes feel extremely high. You said you’ve never experienced it with anyone else — that actually makes sense. You were “all‑in” with past partners because the emotional risk didn’t feel as big. With her, the risk feels enormous, so your system flips between intensity and collapse.

And I want to say something gently:
You didn’t show her the shutdown pattern directly, but you felt it inside you. Even if you acted loving and caring on the outside, your nervous system was still doing the cycle internally. That’s why it felt so confusing for you.

Now, about changing the pattern:
This isn’t something you fix by forcing yourself to act differently with her. The pattern changes when you learn to stay regulated in real‑time connection, instead of only feeling love when connection is impossible. That’s a slow, internal process — not something solved by flying to her or proving anything.

If this relationship were to revive, the pattern wouldn’t disappear just because you want it to. It would show up again the moment things became real, close, and vulnerable. That’s why understanding it now is important — not to blame yourself, but to see what your system is doing.

You asked what I have to say about this, so here it is plainly:
Your feelings are real. Your shutdowns are real. And both are coming from the same place — fear of losing someone who matters deeply. You’re not broken. You’re overwhelmed.

Tell me what part of this feels true to you, Confused.

Hey Dear Confused:

I noticed that when she feels far away or unreachable, your feelings become very intense — you miss her, you imagine her, you feel the loss deeply.

But the moment you imagine real contact, like actually flying to her, your feelings suddenly disappear.

That doesn’t mean you don’t care. It’s something the nervous system does when it feels overwhelmed.

Longing from a distance feels ‘safe’ because nothing is required of you in real time. But when a real‑world step appears, your system shuts down the feeling to protect you from fear, rejection, or pressure.

It’s a very human pattern, and lots of people experience it. I just want you to see it clearly, so you don’t confuse the shutdown with not loving her.

And gently — this pattern of intensity → shutdown → intensity → shutdown is very hard for any partner to feel secure with, especially someone who already feels fragile or unsafe. It’s not about blame. It’s simply that this emotional cycle makes stability in a relationship very difficult to maintain day in and day out.

What says Confused?

🌿 Anita