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anita

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 1,269 total)
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  • #431874
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kshitij:

    What I am not able to understand is that how the scholarship situation triggered the CSS inside me?…  I thought… not about my childhood struggles? Do you think there were thought patterns responsible (like low self-esteem, externalization of self-worth etc.) that I developed as a result of childhood trauma and they gave me problems during the scholarship issue?“-

    * I don’t know what you mean by “externalization of self-worth“.

    – I have no doubt that there are thought patterns that you developed as a result of your father emotionally abusing you (inaccurately projecting his father, an adult who probably abused him, into a little, innocent girl).

    I wrote about your thought patterns in both situations in my April 11 post: “the scholarship application situation triggered the trauma in your childhood sermons situation (lets call it CSS). The thoughts you had as a child, during those sermons were “nothing ever gets better” no matter how hard I try, and this (his very harsh criticism) is so unfair“.

    It doesn’t mean that during the scholarship application situation you had thoughts about your childhood sermons situation. It’s that the scholarship application situation awakened thoughts and feelings (about how unfair life is for you, and now nothing ever gets better), thoughts and feelings that were born, so to speak, during the childhood sermon situations.

    anita

    #431873
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul,:

    Congratulations for quitting smoking. Which reminds me about loneliness: “Widespread loneliness in the U.S. poses health risks as deadly as smoking up to 15 cigarettes daily.. the U.S. surgeon general said Tuesday in declaring the latest public health epidemic” (pbs. org, May 2023)

    Isn’t the world a smaller place when we can be friends across oceans?  Back in the olden days, when I was a child and an adult, we wrote letters…“- the good old days… the bad old days.

    Whether it be with God, or whatever comes at the end, I believe we all have a reckoning. I don’t look forward to mine; mainly because I am so worried about my pride getting in the way of my accepting my failings… Occasionally I wonder if having children was a mistake. If I’ve passed on the cycle of abuse somehow“- we all pass on the abuse. We are born into it, and we pass it on. Some more than others. It takes awareness, decency, and healing in the inside to not pass it on anymore. It’s like.. we’re all born into a collective muddy water pool, so we get mud on us, and before we know it, we rub bodies with others (or give birth to others) and pass on the mud.

    It is each person’s responsibility to remove one’s personal mud as soon as possible and no longer pass it on. Not easy, being that we live in a muddy world. Yet necessary.

    There is no day of reckoning, aka judgment day sometime in the future. It’s happening every day as we judge ourselves and each other. I can live with myself with much more peace of mind than before because (1) I am doing all that I can to clear the mud off of me whenever I notice it, and I notice, (2) I don’t take personal responsibility for the mud I was born into.

    I wonder if you have a dog who walks with you“- Boe walked with me twice, uninvited (and not on a leash). Once, he got into a neighbor’s yard where there’s a bigger dog that can be vicious, I was scared for Boe big time. Another time, he joined me on my other route, toward the highway, and had a neighbor collect him into their car before reaching the highway.

    * I read your post in my thread, but I am not sure if it’s okay to comment on it (it’s against .. my rules on that thread)…?

    anita

    #431866
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SeaSoul:

    it’s 8:54 pm here, Thurs night, and the last thing I drank was red wine, my favorite night time tea, lol. And indeed, neither tea, nor red wine goes with chocolate!! (it’s just wrong!)

    No, I never had children, and eagles are indeed my constant companions. The neighbor’s beagle Boe, doesn’t know he belongs there more than he belongs there.

    It is truly beautiful here. And at this moment, I too find a connection to your words, to your .. more than words.

    I am about to go unconscious/ asleep, a bit dizzy, hearing the latest news about Israel/ Iran.

    anita

    #431864
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    You submitted your post exactly 3 minutes after I submitted one in my own thread.

    Please, no need to say Sorry to me! Your feelings are as important as mine. I want to hear/ read about yours no less than I want to tell you about mine.

    I knew that was a little boy talking, but it made him all the more precious… the loss of him as I knew him“- often I analyze people, analyze stories, but there is nothing to analyze when it comes to 100% pure pain, a loss such as this.

    Oceans apart, here I am, there you are, but we are close, so I feel, close to you.

    anita

    #431862
    anita
    Participant

    Continued:

    Saying goodbye to a non-mother means saying goodbye not only to that person, but also to her Message: that there is something wrong with me, something so terrible, that she had no choice but to get oh, so very angry at me.

    There was nothing wrong with me. I was not at all the reason for her hurt, and for her RAGE.

    To say goodbye to her (almost 11 years after talking to her last, on the phone) means to say goodbye to her message that there was something wrong and bad/ Guilty about me to bring about her rage, her revenge.

    As I typed the above, I felt love.. for the memory of what I wished she was, for moments when her voice was soft, for when she sounded like a mother.

    The complexity of being human: inside every bad person, every abusive person, there is a hurt, abused child, one that shows through at times. But often, that child is locked behind an impenetrable wall, inside a bad, abusive person.

    Goodbye locked hurt child, I wish I could help you, but I was born (to you) too late to help the child that you were.

    Goodbye non-mother.

    anita

     

    #431861
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kshitij:

    You are welcome! I am thinking that your father projected his father (with whom he was very angry for many years) into you- not because you deserved his anger (not at all!), and not because your behaviors (and maybe even your looks) were more like his father than your siblings’, but because you were first-born. He has been holding his anger inside him probably since he was a child. When you were born- his first child– it was his first opportunity to express his long-held anger, to let it out, at a child that belonged to him (an easy target).

    This is what abuse is about. my mother did the same to me, as I was too first born.

    One reason he acts differently towards my younger brother is because he probably sees himself in his personality, he finds a similarity“- excellent insight. For one, he didn’t project his father into them (this was your  “job”, unfortunately for you). If he expressed affection for them over the years, it means that yes, he probably projected himself into them.

    Now, when I live abroad away from home, he tries to get close to me and acts very cordially; but the more he tries the more I get repelled“- I too felt repelled by my mother over the years, because she did to me, in principle, what your father did to you.

    Since childhood I would use to ruminate over incidents of his unkind treatment and that happens even now when I think about a past situation or hypothesize about a future confrontation. It leads me to rage fits at times… back when I was a kid/teenager, there used to be times when I would be filled with rage, despair and frustration and I would cry myself to sleep“-I ruminated too, I was anxious too about the next time she’d rage at me, so I would ruminate about what I might have said or done wrong to bring about her next rage.

    And I felt rage myself, rage at her, which I held inside.

    I’ll answer your questions in the last paragraph, best I can, tomorrow morning (in about  14 hours from now).

    anita

    #431846
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    Don’t be ashamed of having feelings“- thank you. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me that I shouldn’t be ashamed. This is very refreshing, to be told this (I read about shame, of course, in books/ articles, but not told this directly, not that I remember).

    Your mother should be ashamed, not you“- I don’t remember this being said to me either. How refreshing, like a cool breeze on a hot day. Or maybe, on a cold day, it’s like entering a warm, cozy home.

    Thank you.  I actually had to stop reading when I got to this as my heart – my chest – well, it hurt so much.  I wept.  I’m starting again and I have given myself a few hours to compose myself.  Thank you so much“- all this gratitude and emotion for a moment of me acknowledging your hurt, a moment of empathy for you. This is solid testimony to how much we need sincere empathy from other people, and how much of it is lacking in the world… And you are welcome!

    Five years of worshiping him and thinking I didn’t deserve him…. I haven’t got angry… I wouldn’t mind punching him somewhere lolllll“- a bit angry, lol. Valid anger.

    No one has ever written me a poem. I cried again. You’ve given me somethings in these writings that I’ve never had“- I am motivated to try and write you another poem sometime in the next few days, would it be okay with you?

    And now for a thought for you:  you are kind and generous.  I hope there are other kind generous people in your life to appreciate you.  I’m very glad we have made contact on this forum.  I look forward to reading at the beginning / middle / end of each day“- this is precious to read, thank you so much. I wouldn’t want to ever lose contact with you!

    anita

    #431845
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tommy:

    “…The neighbors said, how terrible the new horse caused your son to break his leg…. The next day, the government came by to conscript all the men in the village. When they saw the farmer’s son, they left him cause he had a broken leg. The neighbors said, how lucky your son has a broken leg. So, what is the truth? Does the truth change from one moment to the next depending upon the present conditions?“- I’d say: no, the truth does not change: (1) Riding/ training/ handling horses can be dangerous and if one chooses to be around horses, one should be attentive, skillful and careful, (2) It is safer for a person to stay home with a broken leg than to go to war with two intact legs.

    So, thank you for your help and well wishes. I will check my anger the next time I speak.”-.you are welcome, Tommy, and thank you for checking your anger the next time you speak (I will do he same)!

    anita

    #431843
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eliza:

    Isn’t it amazing, this thread is almost 10 years old, welcome to it, Eliza!

    You shared that you’ve been “in an on and off… so turbulent, and very rarely stable” 2-year relationship with your ex-boyfriend because of anxiety, not because of anger and fighting.

    (I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the following):”I have had really horrible anxiety the entire relationship… so nervous to hurt him… so scared that I’ve ruined his life and am the reason he’ll never be happy… I seem to crave freedom… at times claustrophobic, even though I love hanging out with him… would have moments of intense panic… In the end I couldn’t tell whether my gut was saying it wasn’t a match or it was my anxiety…. What’s wrong with me? I really do love him…. will I ever have clarity over how I feel? Why can’t I be content with him? and will I ever get over this!!!!”-

    – clearly, The Problem is fear, persistent, ongoing fear, aka anxiety.

    I relate to your anxiety just as you described it. I will summarize what it was about in my case: as a child, I was very hurt, a whole lot of hurt, and for a long, long time, all of my childhood, really. But as it happens, very hurt/ scared children instinctively repress their distressing emotions (hurt, fear), so that they can survive, because feeling too scared, too hurt, for too long literally destroys the body.

    Fast forward, I am an adult, my hurt and fear still repressed (felt, but way less intensely than in early childhood). The moment I felt love/ empathy for a person, I saw myself in that person, more precisely, I project my child-self (the child that I was) into the other person, and imagined that he/ she was about to get hurt as badly as I was hurt (pre-repression). I was afraid to hurt the person, and I was afraid to witness the person hurting, so I wanted to be with the person and away, all at the same time, very anxious, uncomfortable.

    The interesting thing is that what I was afraid of, as an adult, was to feel my own hurt at the pre-repression level, at the intensity back then.

    Do you relate to any part of what I am saying?

    anita

    #431841
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tommy:

    I like your distinction between acting and reacting to a member (an OP). When I notice that as I reply to a member, I feel angry, I pause and switch from anger to => empathy. Better to not reply at all than reply when under the influence of anger.

    My intent was to make her look at herself and her situation. To have her pull herself out of this self-pity“- anger expressed at an OP, even if there is an intent to help the OP, will not pull the OP out of self  pity. All the OP sees are words on a computer screen, words typed out by a person the OP doesn’t know and has no reason to trust (in most cases). So, your expressed anger at an OP is .. just anger, judgement coming out of the screen, hitting the hurting OP, and casing further pain. It is of no help, only harm.

    I hope that you are careful about speaking in anger in real-life, so to Do No Harm.

    bright zen way. org/ five ways to consider before speaking: “The Buddha taught there were five things to consider before speaking. Is what you’re about to say: 1. Factual and true, 2. Helpful, or beneficial, 3. Spoken with kindness and good-will.., 4. Endearing.. spoken gently…  5. Timely…

    “Basically, if it seems very unlikely our speech will be helpful or beneficial, no matter our intentions, the Buddha suggests we remain silent…

    “Considering our own attitude while speaking is another useful approach to evaluating our speech. What are we thinking and feeling as we contemplate saying something? Do we have judgments in our mind about the person we’re speaking to – that they’re stupid, weak, pathetic, inferior, deluded, stubborn, etc.? If so, chances are we’re feeling superior to them and our motivation to speak isn’t sincerely about their best interests.

    “If someone has hurt or offended us…. chances are our speech will be tinged with anger and a desire to hurt the person in return. Sometimes we can remind ourselves of the importance of speaking with good-will, and we’ll be able to extend some warmth, patience, and benefit-of-the-doubt to those we’re speaking to or about…

    “Even if we’re convinced we should speak, failing to consider how our words are going to make someone feel shows either self-centeredness or folly. After all, why are we speaking? Do we just want make a point that we’re right, or do we actually want to communicate something to others? If we actually want to communicate, then we’d better think about how our words are likely to be received.

    “Of course, the Buddha makes it clear right speech may sometimes not be endearing. We can easily think of examples where this is the case – when we need to say ‘no,’ or set a boundary with someone, or we need to point out harmful behavior, or say something that’s likely to make someone feel defensive or ashamed no matter how we put it. If we’re motivated by good-will, what we say is factual and true, and we think saying it will be beneficial, then we can say it. But…  we should have ‘a sense of the proper time for saying’ what we want to say. Maybe we should bite our tongue and speak to someone in private instead of blurting our message out at the dining room table..”.

    I hope that you find the above helpful, Tommy. I do. Thank you for your best wishes and wishing you the best as well!

    anita

     

    #431835
    anita
    Participant

    Dear gresshoppe:

    I am sending good vibes your way and thank you for the good vibes! We can talk about autophobia sometime, if you would like that. I experienced it since I was a child and only recently found out the term.

    I hope to read how the conversation with him goes.

    anita

    #431821
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tommy:

    So good to read from you, I was afraid you will never post again.

    When a person is hysterical, what should a person do? Hold them by the hand and say everything will be alright?“- I’d never say “everything will be alright“, I can’t predict the future, and I am not optimistic.

    You are welcome, and thank you for sending this message to me.

    I respect your wish to not post again for as long as you wish to not post. I will miss you though, because I like you. You are a good, humble person. You inspire me, I want to be more like you.

    You are welcome here anytime, Tommy. You are a force for good (as the saying goes), thank you for being.. you.

    anita

     

    #431817
    anita
    Participant

    Continued:

    I just wrote a poem for a friend. I like it (I hope she likes it), so in the spirit of liking it, I’ll write another to.. you guessed whom (if you did), I’ll write it to that person:

     

    I guess you were right all along

    I didn’t love you

    I loved what I needed you to be, just for me

    Not who you were.

    I loved the idea of a mother

    Not the person that you are, the person you have been

    For how could I love or like a person who hated me

    I loved the idea of a person (a mother) who liked me

    You disliked me in so many ways, thoroughly, inside out

    And in turn, I disliked myself, I disliked you, I disliked everyone-

    – A great start in life

    Not.

    And now, as I tie loose ends in my heart and mind

    I say to the idea of you: farewell idea.

    Left is what’s always been there; that person who disliked me

    I can’t change this reality, not retroactively, not in any other way

    it just so happened to be this way.

    Farewell.

     

    anita

     

    #431816
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    I am not a poet, have no reason to think I am good at it. Nonetheless, I will try to create a poem for you:

     

    Sad Soul, Special Soul, is it a tear in your eye that I see?

    Wasted time, wasted efforts, starting Alone, ending Alone, is this your story?

    Is this my story?

    Is this the story of all humanity?

    Four questions above, I don’t get to ask anymore (so says the critic in my mind)

    Sad Soul, Special Soul, see my soul see your soul

    You are not alone; I am not alone

    Son left unexpectedly, so sorry, Mother Sad Soul

    Sad Soul’s Son, tell mom why, tell her just as it is.

    If you can, please tell her.

    She bought orange and poppy seed cake yesterday, tasted like casserole.

    I bet she she’ll bake the best cake ever for you, mother’s love seeds in cake, if you come over for a talk

    Separate truth from lies, Sad Soul’s Son; see your mother as she is, see your father, your friend as they are

    See yourself

    Tell mom what’s in your mind and heart, tell her, she’ll listen, she will not argue

    She wants to know, she needs to know, Please talk to her. Tell her your truth.

     

    anita

     

    #431808
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Blueman:

    The best way to help you out of this mess, is for a qualified, skillful, and empathetic psychotherapist to guide you through the process. If this is a possibility for you, please consider it.

    Here is what worked for me, how I got out of this kind of mess (a process that started when I attended quality therapy 2011-2013, and continues to this very day): first part is called emotion regulation, it’s about learning effective ways to lower the intensity of your distressing emotions and practicing these ways every day.

    Are you aware of emotion regulation, and/ or of Mindfulness techniques, skills and practices?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 1,269 total)