Hey 👋 Dear Confused:

I hear how hard this is for you — the emotional intensity you felt, the shutdowns, the obstacles, and the fact that the practical part never had a chance to develop. It makes sense that you’re trying to make sense of all of it from different angles.

About her telling her parents and going silent — that does point toward her moving on, and I know that’s painful to accept 🙁.

As for the panic lie, her reaction doesn’t erase what the connection meant at different times. But right now, she’s choosing distance, and that’s the part you’re having to face, whether she misses you or not.

Anita

Getting close to another midnight…

“Feels incredibly awkward.”- it felt A.W.K.W.A.R.D when I stepped out of my mother’s emotional lane and into my own emotional lane.

Like.. wait, this is strange, new, uncomfortable. (I was so sickly adjusted to her lane).

“And yes, my husband truly did see my dad as a father figure”- I feel so sad for him.. and for the child- you because you saw your father as “a dad”. That word, “dad”, like “mom”, suggesting someone safe, dependable.

Back 2 U in the morning.

Hi again, Nea:

You wrote last night: “I can love my dad, acknowledge the things he has done for me, love and support my husband, and still recognize that their relationship is ultimately theirs.”-

I think that’s excellent insight: their relationship is ultimately theirs. Not for you to supervise, monitor or fix.

I have no doubt that you love your father ever since you were a little girl.

“I can love my dad; acknowledge the things he has done for me”- and acknowledge the things he has done against you.

You wrote today: “I don’t have to force everyone back into the version of ‘normal’ that makes me feel temporarily safe”- Wow, Nea, I love this insight!

That temporary- safety, what was it like for you?

From my earlier post, about “adult differentiation”: “It means you don’t merge with (his) emotions. You stay in your own emotional lane”.

I didn’t live in my own lane. I lived in hers and it was sincerely terrible to live in her volatile, explosive lane. My healing- changing is not about fixing her lane but stepping away from it and into my own lane.

Anita

Hi Nea 🙂

Thank you for the virtual flowers you sent me yesterday 🙏

“Perhaps we had all become a little too interwined”-

You mentioned your husband losing his parents at a young age, so, I guess he looked up to your father as a father figure, not just your father but maybe his own?

If so, imagine his hurt and disappointment.

I wonder if your father looked at your husband as a possible son?

And your husband disappointed him, just as everyone does, sooner or later?

* It was always the case with my mother- everyone disappointed her.. sooner than later.

When a person carries too much shame inside… ( have to get off the phone, will be back momentarily)

Hello Shinnen, good to read from you again.

How to let go of something you don’t want.. like intrusive, OCD-like thoughts, as an example?

Or let’s say, envy of others, or anger?

Is that what you mean?

🤔 Anita

Hi Nea:

I’ll reply further later but for now I wanted to copy these two definitions for later use:

Childhood rescuer role- This is when a child feels responsible for keeping the family calm, safe, or emotionally stable. The child tries to prevent fights, soothe adults, fix problems, or hold everything together because it feels dangerous not to. It’s a survival strategy. The child believes, “If I don’t fix this, something bad will happen.”

Adult differentiation- This is the adult ability to see yourself as separate from your parents, separate from their emotions. It means you don’t merge with their emotions. You stay in your own emotional lane. This is the core of adult differentiation — the ability to let others have their feelings without losing your center. You can protect your own family, your own boundaries, and your own emotional space. It’s the shift from “I must fix everything” to “I can let others handle their own feelings.”

Good very late morning, Nea:

You closed your post with “my anxiety keeps telling me that if I don’t intervene, the family will never feel normal again.”-

My thoughts (protecting my experience): Oh, that precious “‘normal'”. That long- awaited for peace, so desperately needed.

Of course, any “normal” is not really normal, It’s just a lull before the next storm, but a child needs to believe she’s safe, at least at times, so to take a break from her.. normal state of hyper-viggilence.

I think that part of it is the child’s desperate need to believe that she has some power in the situation, that she can intervene and bring peace to the volatile home environment, a wishful thinking that makes the situation feel a bit more bearable, a little less out of control.

Your thoughts, Nea?

🤔 Anita