Dear SadSoul:

“If I’d been there I would have taken you home and fixed it for you. Wrapped your lost little self up in all the cuddles you should have been given.“- … ahh, for cuddles to feel good, not alarming but comforting. The cuddles of a mother, of the idea of a mother in a person. Her touch felt creepy to me. I hated it, felt like crawling out of my skin.

Cuddles by SadSoul, protective cuddles. I am taking a moment to.. I just imagined my little child-self held by you. Thank you.

“I had to clean her bathroom and the children’s bathroom toilet each week too. One time someone blocked the toilet and she made me put my bare hands until the toilet and pull the poos and toilet paper out. No one has ever been sorry for us, me and siblings. I’m bawling my eyes out now. I can’t focus on the other half because I can only do this much emotion then my brain sort of explodes and distracts itself“-

– If I’d been there, I would have washed your hands in the sink while talking gently to you, and I would have walked you out of the bathroom, or carried you out, and I would have taken care of you and never let you see her again. And if she- the evil stepmother- stood in my way, I’d throw some poop in her face and smear it all over her face. So, that would have been the last visual memory you’d have of her.

“See! Distraction! Brave medieval Anita approaching a bear on a darkened overgrown lane on a moonlit night, weapons left at her camp fire because she hadn’t planned on wandering so far away…. See! No weapons!… I hope when big bear got home his porridge had been tasted by goldilocks!“- you are hilarious, SadSoul (a smile emoji).

“I love make syrup! And lots of butter. They have jokes at work that I have some crumbs with my slice of butter“- there is a poem called Butter: “.. Growing up/ we ate turkey cutlets sauteed in lemon/ and butter, butter and cheese on green noodles/…butter disappearing into/ whipped sweet potatoes, with pineapple/ butter melted and curdy to pour/ over pancakes, butter licked off the plate…”… the love of butter.

“I’m thinking let’s go all out and have pancakes and French toast, and I’ll put a pot of coffee and some hot chocolate on, and we’ll sit in the sunshine on my back porch. If we’re up early enough we can catch the sun rise over the trees.“-(a big smile emoji)!

anita

Dear Kshitij:

You are very welcome.

“How should I work towards changing/ breaking these thought patterns and resolving the childhood trauma that still causes me so much pain“-  these thought patterns are a habit of the mind, a habit of your brain, that is. It is difficult to change ingrained habits, including mental habits.

One difficulty in changing these distressing mental habits that were formed as a result of you being mistreatment by your father is that every time you talk with him or visit with him, these habits are reinforced. You wrote today (I am adding the boldface feature to the following): “I was at home for a few weeks in March-April and I had a few situations with him, so my thoughts have become more frequent since then“- contact with him, particularly visits with him, breathe life into these thought, as in adding fuel to the thoughts, and the fire intensifies.

Therefore, staying away from him/ having no contact with him is of great value in the process of changing these thought patterns and resolving your childhood trauma, as much as it is possible.

“I read an article at the forum itself which gave me the idea that I am safe even in the moments of intrusive thoughts and they are not going to harm me“- this is part of changing your thought patterns: to understand that thoughts, any kind of thoughts, intrusive or not, are not dangerous. They are harmless mental events that happen in-between our ears and not outside that short distance.

A daily routine of aerobic exercise, mindfulness practices, including watching/ listening to Mindfulness Guided Meditations will help change/ break thought patterns.. over time. A patient, realistic, one-day-at-a-time attitude will help.

“As my best friend put it for me – ‘you think you need to suffer again and again that’s why you drag yourself back to those thoughts and situations'”– your friend has a good point. All abused children automatically believe that they deserve the abuse they received and should indeed suffer. This happens because for a dependent child, it’s safer to view oneself as the one at fault than it is to view the parent as the one at fault. Because if the child is at fault, then there’s something the child can do (to become.. a good girl or boy from now on..). If the parent is at fault, there’s nothing the child can do.

Healing will have to include changing your view and seeing your child-self as the innocent party, and your father- in context of the relationship with you- as the guilty party. (This will not be easy to do).

“At times these memories and thoughts lead me to rage fits, where my anger just seems to be like boiling. Even today before writing this post I had one such instance of rumination which led to me getting enraged over him again“- an abused child is an angry child, understandably. You are an adult, but every adult still has the little abused boy or girl/ abused teenager hurting inside, raging inside.

Expressing your anger in non-destructive way, such as journaling (here or privately) will help.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Stepmother allowed pancakes for brekkie“- never came across the word brekkie, but didn’t have to look it up.. how cute!

“Stepmother allowed pancakes for brekkie on Sunday, only I wasn’t allowed mine because I hadn’t done my weeding chores well enough for her and had to go back and do them again, only she allocated me most of the garden as punishment for my poor job – I was 6 or 7 so… I wasn’t finished until lunch time.  I went in for my pancakes and stepsister and her bestie had eaten my share“-

– this is almost taken straight from the Cinderella movie:

“Lady Tremaine (evil stepmother) to Cinderella: “Hold your tongue!… Silence!… There’s the large carpet in the main hall; clean it! And the windows, upstairs and down; wash them! Oh yes, and the tapestries and the draperies—
Cinderella: But I just finished—
Lady Tremaine: Do them again! And don’t forget the garden. Then scrub the terrace, sweep the halls and the stairs, clean the chimneys. And of course there’s the mending and the sewing and the laundry… Oh yes, and one more thing. See that Lucifer gets his bath.”

(Lady Tremaine’s daughters, Cinderella’s step sisters, joined in the abuse)

“I was 6 or 7… I was so sad”– six or seven Sad Soul.

“I badly sprained or broke my ankle later on that day… The next day I wasn’t able to go outside.  I sat inside reading and listening to stepsister be nasty to my biological sibling… Stepmother hauled sibling into sibling’s bedroom and gave sibling a few whacks…  Then she grabbed some ornaments our grandmother had made sibling and started… smashing sibling’s precious things...  I tried to run away, which was a fast hop down the hallway, and she pounded after me.  She stood over me and spit hit my face while she said her piece… Father was standing watching it all happen, saying nothing”-

– Did you relate to Cinderella growing up??? Evil stepmother, (and evil father!). I am so sorry for innocent young Sad Soul and Siblings.

“It wasn’t all bad at our grandparents but it wasn’t good.  Lots of beltings“- you didn’t get a break, for crying out loud!

“My mother cut me off because I stood up for myself.  She was telling lies about something she said I did, something I didn’t do, and I finally stood up for myself and said no that did not happen, you did that.  And she hung up on me and hasn’t spoken to me since“- it’s her (lying) way or the highway.

“telling her the truth, your truth, made you feel so evil.. Because I know what a broken heart feels like.  I know what hurt feels like.  Because hurting anyone is the worst thing“- empathy for your abuser, your mother.

“This is very confusing to my poor little brain?!?!“- it was just a theory I came up with, a possible explanation. May not be true at all.

Maybe because it’s so far from how I’ve ever looked at her.  I tell you things she’s done but my heart still feels like she’s my fairy mother and perfect.  Intellectually I know she’s not.  But my heart can’t reconcile itself to who she is.“- I think that it’s your empathy  for her that’s clouding your vision of her, as well as your understandable need for the idea of a mother to be actualized in her person.

“Now tell me how you are! Fill my head with the lovely things in your day. Fill my head with the unlovely things in your day.“- well, it’s been raining cats and dogs here for 2 days, walked in the rain yesterday. The day before yesterday, during my walk,  I had a meeting of the eyes and minds with a black bear crossing the road (at a good distance), on the one day I didn’t carry bear spray with me, and right after I dropped a thick stick that I did carry with me. Judging by the size of the bear, the stick would have tickled him at most, and I would have been his brekkie!

anita

Dear Lisa:

You are welcome and thank you for your note. It’s a good idea, for me, for others, to re-read these quotes every day, to start each day with “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Absolutely beautiful!

anita

Dear Sha:

You are welcome. You are welcome to post again before your exams, anytime you’d like to share about your struggles and successes and receive my input.

anita

How are you, Laven?

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“One of my employers said something mean to me yesterday, ‘******?  Who has that for their email address?  It’s just stupid.’… I spent the next half a day brooding on it, feeling hurt that she said such a mean petty thing.  I thought about saying something to her about it but what is the point?“- the point would be perhaps to honor yourself, to honor your valid hurt, by telling her something like: telling me I am stupid is not going to help me do better, would it? Or, it’s not wise for an employer to call an employee stupid, is it?…?

“This is so raw and honest.  Thank you for sharing.  I feel privileged“- you are welcome, and thank you! You are encouraging me to be more raw and honest.

“NO.  I am not angry with you!  I struggle to juggle all my balls.  I leave for work at the crack of dawn and get home after dark… it IS NOT YOU!  But… it’s not just paranoia, there are always chances that is a person’s reason too.  I will do my best to be honest when something upsets me – actually, I did… and I will do my best to always do this so you always know and don’t have to wonder“- yes, you did and in so doing, you made our special communication possible. Thank you for helping me, and for caring to help me… You do work a whole lot, got to find a way to work less and relax during non-working hours.

“I wasn’t even lying but if they thought I was it was beatings until the ‘truth’ came out… A few years ago my father said to me… I (father) knew stepsister had it in her wardrobe… He wanted to know why I ‘lied’ and agreed with stepmother that I had lost it.  I said, ‘Because she would flog me each time I said I hadn’t until I said I had, so I learnt to say whatever she wanted to hear, so I would only get one flogging.’… He’d stood by and watched her flog me even though he knew where it was. He let her intimidate and frighten me“- I have a new understanding of the extent of abuse you suffered in childhood, by the (evil) stepmother and the man who had let her do her thing. I feel badly for the young, hurt and abused Sad Soul.

“Anyway, that honesty was beaten into us even if it wasn’t the truth?!  Does that make sense?“- No! And it’s not honesty that she beat into you, it’s abuse. I feel anger at this evil stepmother, how dare she???

And the man who let her.. maybe he was relieved that you absorbed her beatings, instead of him (verbal beatings, if not physical). Maybe for him, your role was to absorb her aggression, so that he didn’t have to.

“I hope you’re having better sleep and a better day today“- actually, now that I read this, I realize that yes, I did sleep better last night, thank you.

“I’m a bit jelly you get to have anger in your repertoire.  I think it would help.  I’d prefer it to hurt which is the one emotion I do extremely well“- I had to look up “jelly”, lol.  Yes, I am going to keep at it, posting about anger. Maybe you can too..? You are welcome to do so in my thread, and it will help me to get a better connection to my repressed/ suppressed anger.

Let me see what you posted in my thread about 5 hours ago: “I’ve been trying to understand my biological mother’s anger and nastiness since reading the things you have posted. ..I’ve spent my whole life being understanding of her meanness and this is me finding another way to excuse her“- having had an evil stepmother, I imagine that you needed to believe that your biological mother was the good mother, the real mother..

“I’m not going to try to understand anymore! I sometimes catch myself thinking of trying to reconcile with her, but I get stuck at the beginning of these thoughts, because.. I apologised for everything even though I hadn’t done anything, just because I was terrified of losing her“- terrified of losing the idea of the good mother.

“I will tell you a little thing though, something really horrible that I did.  It was a year and a half after she cut me out of her life.  She did something really mean and underhanded and it got back to me.  So I sent her an email:  I wish I had never loved or trusted you. I felt so evil after I sent it.  So mean and nasty and dreadful.  The worst human in the world.  I still do to some degree.  But I am aware that it’s the most honest thing I’ve ever said to her”-

– telling her the truth, your truth, made you feel so evil.. So mean and nasty and dreadful. The worst human in the world because .. can you continue this sentence with whatever comes to your mind? (sometime when you have a moment and you are relaxed?)

“She did me a huge service cutting me out though.  I don’t have her judgmental criticisms and meanness hounding me every day of my life.  I don’t have the woman who told me I didn’t deserve to have my children… Why would a mother do that to the daughter she professes to love more than anything?…  sibling would brag about the lovely dinners she cooked when sibling got home.  Why would she play games like that with her own children?  That isn’t love.“- no, it isn’t love on her part.  I wonder if you loved her more than your siblings loved her; if you placed her on a pedestal as if she was a loving, good mother, much more, or for much longer than your siblings did..?

And feeling undeserving of the enduring, years-long pedestal you placed her on, created a distressing cognitive dissonance in her mind: a lack of agreement between her knowing that she was a bad mother and you so very much not knowing that she was a bad mother. And so, she criticized and rejected you more than she criticized and rejected your siblings, so to cause you to drop her of the pedestal and end her cognitive dissonance..?

anita