Dear Helcat:

Starting this post with ❤️!

“Yes, he is sensitive to criticism I think. More so than me. It has taken me a long time to understand how sensitive he is to it. I think that it is hard for him that I am sensitive and feel hurt sometimes by things that he does. He feels hurt that I feel hurt when he didn’t mean to hurt me. If that makes sense?“- yes:  your hurt hurts him because upon hearing/ seeing your hurt, he immediately feels responsible for your hurt. Your Hurt turns into his Guilt and his guilt hurts him.

If my understanding above is correct, then I relate to him very much. Growing up with Guilt (with a capital G for emphasis) made me not want to be close to people. Motivated to avoid Guilt, I avoided people, I avoided relationships. When I experienced closeness, I got scared and ended the maybe-beginning relationship.

Guilt is such a yucky, greasy kind of mental disgust (words that come to mind). Guilt was inserted into my brain by my mother who went on and on with guilt-inflicting tirades, repeating the same message, over and over again in each tirade and over the years: my feelings are hurt, and you hurt me!

She would go in great detail about what I did wrong, or what I didn’t do that I should have done, or the expression on my face was wrong, etc., and express how my alleged wrongs hurt her a lot. But the wrongs she claimed I did, there was no intent on my part to do wrong. I think that I was always caught by surprise.

I remember one time, I was in primary school, playing with a cousin in the apartment. We saw the school cleaning lady walking on the street below and I called her “cleaning lady!” so to get her attention and then hide so she couldn’t see who was calling her. For some reason, I/ my cousin and I, thought it’d be funny. Now, it was wrong to call her and hide, but this is not what got my mother going. Next thing I know, a neighbor and aunt were holding my mother’s arms on both sides, restraining her, as she struggled to free herself from their hold so to kill me, or “murder” me was a word she used, and other threats of violence.

She was upset that I called the woman “cleaning lady” because my mother was also a cleaning lady (not in the school) and she, my mother, claimed that I intentionally tried to hurt her feelings by calling the school employee a cleaning-lady, an occupation that my mother felt was shameful. But her accusation was not even close to being true: I didn’t know the school employee’s name, the word “janitor” was not a word back then. To get the woman’s attention, there was only one term available for me to use. And I did not use the words cleaning lady to humiliate anyone for their occupation: the thought did not even cross my mind.

Now, if I had a sane mother back then, she would take the 7, or 8 or 9-year old me to another room and kindly explain to me that it is not nice to call someone and hide, and later, on a school day, she’d walk me to the cleaning lady, introduce ourselves, respectfully talk with her, ask for her name, and teach me that people should be addressed by their names and talked to respectfully.

But this is not what I learned. What I learned was that at any time I might say and do something wrong, without meaning to, and=> game over with disaster for me, no correction.

In many of her tirades, she would go on and on about her hurt, not only following a recent event, but she brought back past hurts by me, and by other people, and express how terrible I was for hurting a person already so terribly hurt. She cried and yelled and threatened suicide (and homicide, at different times).. on and on and on.

Thinking about it this morning, I can see that I did not have the opportunity to understand hurt and correction, as in:  anita did X wrong=> anita can do Y to correct the wrong and fix/ maintain a good relationship.

Instead, it was: anita did X wrong=> game over: a tirade by her, threats of violence and Guilt-infliction, and me drowning in greasy, yucky Guilt, a Mental Torture.

To avoid Torture, I had to avoid the opportunity to do wrong, which meant social/ personal isolation.

I know another person who grew up many thousands of miles away from me, different story, different circumstances, but same message: there is no such thing as a small mistake, all mistakes are huge, unbearably heavy to carry for any amount of time, all unacceptable, all mean that you’re a bad, shame-worthy, guilty.. forever guilty person!

Back to you and your husband: if in his experience growing up, there was no such thing as a small mistake, a fixable wrong, then any wrong, or suggestion of wrong done by him (what you may bring up during disagreements) looms big, too heavy to carry, overwhelming..?

“Aside from my therapists, he was the first person to show me unconditional love. His love taught me to love myself“- loving oneself has to include enduring the reality that we all do wrongs/ mistakes and that we need to correct those whenever possible, to learn to not repeat the same wrongs, to minimize future mistakes. Does he love himself in this way?

“Can you tell me more about the emotional chart idea? What do you mean by that? Flashcards with emotions?“- if the above carries some truth in regard to your husband and the dynamic during (respectful, non-abusive) disagreements, then an emotional chart can start with identifying a suggested or alleged Wrongdoing, or Mistake on either side: yours or his, because this may be the core of the problem. He needs to see (if I am correct in my understanding) that you too make mistakes/ wrongdoings and while correcting such best you can, you are okay with making mistakes, you accept this part of the human condition with serenity.

An emotional chart can start with a flashcard or the like asking “What’s the wrongdoing here?” Another question: “Who is/ who are the wrongdoers here?”

Normalize wrongdoing as part of being human, while doing all one can do to correct, to not repeat and to minimize mistakes and wrongdoings. Do No Harm (the Buddhist principle) best you can while accepting that to some extent, be it the least: to be Human is to Harm.

The H&H Dictionary can provide concrete definitions of wrongdoing, mistake, guilt, love, forgiveness, etc.

You are very welcome and thank you for this valuable conversation! Closing this post with ❤️-

anita

Dear Helcat: 10 minutes since you last posted and I am not in a focused state of mind (red wine and all), but I want to tell you: I LOVE the way our communication has changed, so much for the better, I am thrilled about this positive change. It gives me hope for a better world!

It’s Wed night here, will reply further Thurs morning.

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are very welcome and ❤️ back to you!

I just realized, right after I typed the above line, that this is how disagreement sessions between the two of you should start: with a ❤️declaration.

“During disagreements, because of my PTSD when I shut down and get defensive I am not that positive… it is just hard being vulnerable during a disagreement. I cope by numbing my feelings a lot“- Start disagreements with Love and Redirect back to Love during disagreements.

Three days ago, you quoted Nelson Mandel for me: “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it“- may Love Triumph over Fear in your relationship with your husband. May love dissolve fear and resistance.

“He is handsome, outgoing, intelligent and kind. He had quite the following but he had no interest in that type of thing at the time“- this is your husband, handsome, intelligent and kind, and how special it is that uninterested in others before, he is and has been  interested in you!

“I had never really considered the communication difficulties that both of our neurodivergence causes before. Language is often complicated because of multiple definitions of words and the personal interpretations“-what if you and your husband create Helcat & Husband Dictionary, (H&H Dictionary) including words, terms, and agreed-upon definitions..?

“He guesses how I feel and is often incorrect. About this situation he assumed that I felt fear. But actually I felt anger at the disrespect. I trust that he has no intentions  towards her. I was not afraid of that“- you can add an Emotional Chart to the H&H Dictionary. You can call the addition The Neurodivergent Emotional-Aid Chart.

“I think that when things are difficult between us it really matters to me that I am treat with respect“- there is no such thing as respectless love.

“I think that he is so hard on himself that it is painful for him and it is easier for him to blame me for his actions“- help him in the places where it’s painful for him. And may he help you in the places where it’s painful for you. (Painful Places can be part of The Neurodivergent Emotional-Aid Chart)

“I shut down a lot during disagreements and he has trauma with stonewalling in previous relationships. He confuses a short break to calm down with being ignored for long periods of time“- a Neurodivergent- Accommodating Watch can come handy (one to be designed by H&H).

“I know that he wants us to be a happy family and to communicate well, just like I do. I think that he feels bad for the mistakes he makes. Since we are already working on rebuilding intimacy, I will work on showing extra appreciation and praising him for the things that he does well“- extra appreciation and lack of criticism can go a long way in dissolving the painful places, bit by bit, one day at a time.

I am ending this post the same way I started it, with ❤️.

anita

Dear CutieJ:

I am so sorry she lied to you again, I wish she didn’t. It was wrong for her to do so. There are wrongdoing on her part, no doubt. And the relationship is toxic and needs to end as soon as possible.

“I threw the things she gave to me as gifts. I broke the picture frame (it was Styrofoam) in front of her… she went into the closet to lock herself in. I was so angry, and I punched the TV… I kept shaking her to get her response. At one point, she put a scissors up to defend herself… After this, we just had a good time. We went to eat, went to arcade that we used to go a lot, laughed a lot… Yesterday, when we were taking a shower together, she asked me if she can go play tennis with her colleagues on Thursday night. I leave on Friday…She will still pick me up today after work, eat with me, and go to sleep together“-

– this reminds me of a movie titled Sleeping with the Enemy.

Playing at the arcade, laughing, taking a shower and sleeping together after breaking, punching, shaking and pointing scissors at the other? Does the fighting, the breaking, punching, scissors etc., serve as foreplay for her.. for you?

I am asking because I am trying to understand. I can see now that part of your pain is indeed her doing, and that this relationship is sick. I wish this relationship ends sooner than later, and that you’d  be on your journey of personal healing.

Please, no more breaking, no more violence of any kind! Keep yourself and her safe, and be strong!

anita

Dear Zenith:

I feel good to read from you! “I hate this never ending saga“- I understand. I wish this saga will be one of the Passing clouds you referred to in the title of your thread.

“My friend texted me asking why I stopped talking to her… I told her she is not putting in the efforts to meet us… She told me that the other group preplans everything as they keep meeting very often and we always call them in last minute… and told me even I said no to her“- hmm, she made two good points. What if you preplan too..?

I know that this pain of being excluded or not being included is deep within you, and it’s a real pain that has its valid reasons in your childhood/ growing up. It makes you very sensitive to current situations, aka this (should be ended, I hope) painful saga.

I don’t want you to suffer like you do, Zenith. I wish you wouldn’t suffer at all.

anita

Dear Klast:

“First I must apologise for what I said about how you sound like my wife. It came across a bit mean“- interestingly, when I read  about me sounding like your wife, I found it endearing, it felt nice, not at all mean.

“I’ve been a bit stressed since seeing my therapist, being given all these labels. My BP has gone right up and my GP is getting me to do a raft of tests and scans to eliminate any other physical reasons for my high BP. He put me on medication to lower it, which has a whole raft of side effects itself. It got as high as 150 over 110!“- I am sorry that your blood pressure went up. I read (mayo clinic. org) that there are different levels of BP: Normal, Elevated, Stage 1, and Stage 2. Your reading of 150/ 110 indicates stage 2.  For stage 1, a recommendation is to talk with a healthcare professional about taking one or more BP medicines. For stage 2, the recommendation is to take more than one medicines.

“‘A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing’ because if you think the knowledge you have is all there is, things can end up going bad… knowledge could be declared not true (too scary to endure). This is when knowledge stops being factual and becomes lies, untruths. Trump likes to play around with this. Flat earthers etc…“- excellent point, especially in this era of acute disinformation and misinformation. The former president is Mr. Misinformation.. Trumformation. I will think more about the too scary to endure truths in my life.

I thought that people who believed that the earth was flat no longer existed, not since the 20th century started, and then I met a flat earther a couple of years ago, a very memorable meeting. I was bamboozled.

“My father was like this, we haven’t spoken for 20 years. I remember having a dream yelling at him ‘Shades of grey, Shades of grey!, things aren’t just black and white!’ Whereas if you are the other way you have a more colourful high resolution world view. You are more aware and accepting of its complexities both known and unknown“- profound. Seeing the world as black and white is a way to reduce anxiety, a way to feel secure, confident, not confused. Colors are delightful unless they are too bright and hurt the eyes.

I haven’t spoken to my mother for over 10 years. When she was angry at me, she went on tirades where she portrayed the world as black and white: she was all good, I was all bad.. a very bad person with bad intentions and bad.. just bad. Actually, sooner or later, she portrayed everyone as bad, and herself: as their innocent, all-good victim.

“I’ve always had this desire to explore the universe to the fullest extent I can get out of it. Just like I have always felt all the bad things that have happened to me aren’t the be all and end all. I always had this seemingly unlimited wellspring of hope coming from somewhere unknown“- INSPIRING.

“I’ve always been good with wildlife…  One time someone gave us a large wild parrot with a broken leg, we put it in a cage and fed it for three months while it stood on one leg, then one day it lowered its healed leg. After that it would follow me around like a puppy“- an endearing story!

“Of Eriksons first 7 stages I am pretty much the same as you. The last line of the forward of that link says ‘These stages, however, can be resolved successfully at a later time.’ This is what I think we have both been doing to varying degrees“- yes, we have this in common, resolving stages.. at a later time. Better later than never.

“Maybe, life’s been a bit intense recently.“- yes, better get your BP down before any new challenges. I am fine whether you choose to reply to other members or not. Either way is fine with me. I know quite a few people on BP medication which work well for them. I hope to read good news from you soon. By the way, I have an appointment for a brain scan in a couple of days.

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome, and no, I didn’t feel that you minimized my experience before. You’ve been nothing but empathetic and supportive, and I very much appreciate your support.  I’ve been talking about this topic with you more than with anyone else. I will let you know what happens next (tongue is still sore, will it ever not be sore..).

I am sorry to read that things didn’t go well for you today on the relationship front. About his female friend behaving inappropriately, what comes to my mind is that you shared how he was inexperienced and did not understand flirting, you had to explain it to him (from what I remember). I am guessing that he didn’t view her behavior as inappropriate(even though it was) and therefore didn’t understand your feelings..?

anita