Good almost- noon time, Nea:

I was in an hours-long process of answering your last 2 posts when I had to get off the computer, and here I am on the phone.

I’ll complete that post when I’m back to the computer, but for now, summarizing what I wrote there in the simplest language:

Your father and my mother are struggling people, so fragile inside that they can’t endure any amount of criticism, challenge or shame.

The feeling of shame is uncomfortable for everyone, but for them- any bit of it is intolerable.

So, I understand the inner working and empathize with them. At the same time, the impact of their behavior is very harmful for those who care about them.

So, by intent, they’re only protecting themselves (from intolerable feelings of shame), but by impact, they’re harmful and abusive.

If I was you, Nea, I would never leave my daughter with him without being there to supervise. Otherwise, she’ll be his next victim- again, not by intent- but by impact.

How to co-exist with him?

No amount of submission will do, no amount of accommodation will do.

And no way of helping him or changing him.

You just have to.. well, to not live with him, and then limit visits in time and place, so that you can leave whenever the time is right, and.. I suppose, pray for him, because practically, there’s nothing you can do for him.

More when I’m back to the computer.

Anita

Hi Nea:

* I’m adding this after completing this message: this may be too much. Please feel free to not read or stop reading at any time. No need to respond if this is too much *

I am back at the computer and can look things up:

Strategic Empathy means he can perform empathy when it benefits him, using ’empathy‑like’ behavior to manage his image, and showing restraint only in relationships where consequences exist.

Instrumental Empathy means empathy used as a tool to achieve a goal: to gain approval, avoid conflict, maintain reputation, and control how others see him.

Another term you might feel useful is Selective Restraint. This describes how he controls himself only when he fears consequences, wants to maintain a certain image, avoid looking bad, or appear reasonable.

Real empathy includes * Curiosity — you want to understand another person’s inner world, * Responsiveness — you adjust your behavior to reduce harm, * Consistency, * Accountability — you care enough to change harmful patterns, and * Non‑performance — it’s not about image, approval, or control.

Real empathy is felt, not calculated; it leads to change, while strategic empathy leads to performance. Real empathy shows up in private, while strategic empathy shows up in public.

Nea, about the words he used against you and your husband, phrases like: “bitch”, “shut the fuck up”, “get the fuck out of my house”, “you don’t fucking know anything”, “fucking piece of shit”, “I’ll show you”, and “asshole”- That’s dominance language.

These words mean: ‘I am above you.’, ‘You have no right to speak.’, ‘Your feelings don’t matter.’

‘I control this space.’, ‘I decide who is allowed to exist here.’

‘I will crush you if you challenge me.’, ‘I will escalate if you don’t submit.’

He uses these specific words because they degrade, humiliate, silence, intimidate, and trigger fear and compliance.

His phrase “I’ll show you” is especially important. It means: ‘I will escalate.’, ‘I will overpower you.’, ‘I will punish you for not submitting.’, and ‘I will demonstrate my dominance.’

His “get the fuck out of my house” means: ‘You exist here only by my permission.’, ‘I can expel you at any moment.’, ‘Your presence is conditional on obedience.’

His “you don’t fucking know anything” means ‘Your perspective is invalid.’, ‘Your voice has no weight.’, ‘You are beneath me.’

His words are weapons designed to silence, dominate, intimidate, humiliate, and maintain control.

This is not a ‘difficult parent.’ This is an abusive one.

And his financial generosity is part of the control structure, not evidence of goodness. Many abusive or domineering parents are financially generous because it maintains loyalty, dependence, image, and power.

Children of abusive parents often say: ‘He (or she) can be generous.’, ‘He can be charming.’ etc. This creates confusion because generosity feels like ‘proof’ of goodness. But his financial generosity does not cancel out the name‑calling, the intimidation, the humiliation, the threats, the emotional volatility, the dominance language, the lack of accountability, and the absence of genuine empathy.

It is entirely possible — and very common — for someone to be financially generous, socially charming, publicly restrained, and still be emotionally abusive, domineering, unsafe in private, and harmful to their family.

As I’ve been typing this message, Nea, I’ve been feeling this heat in my face, anger, as in: ‘How Dare He?’

Your father and my mother have a lot in common. Although they’re not the same.

I have images of my mother, memories of her face- kind, loving, warm. Big brown eyes. I have memories of the hurt on her face and in her voice, and me swearing I will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to fix her hurt, to make her feel better.

I remember her in private, thoroughly shaming and humiliating me any way she could until she was exhausted and yet in public: charming, pleasing, ‘good’

In cartoons the bad character is 100%, unequivocally bad. In real life, the bad parent is (simplified) a former innocent, hurt child.. and you can see remnants of that innocence and hurt in the abusive adult they turned out to be.

Anita

Hey Dudu Confused 🙂

“It’s hard to believe how bad she took it..”- that’s what happens when an old injury gets trigerred and bleeds into the present.

Somebody lied to her real bad, and your tiny, panic-driving lie opened that wound.

The now paused (at the least) relationship doesn’t look promising to me because (1) the distance, (2) the first troubled irl visit, (3) the second that didn’t materialize.

I’m afraid that if the 2 of U got back together long- distance, she’d treat you like a ‘suspect’ and you’d have to walk on eggshells so to not go back into the guilty “Narcissistic ass****” category she had placed you in, a category where you don’t belong!

I would love to be wrong, and maybe I am.. but that would take a whole lot of real, honest, ongoing work.

What says Confused?

🤔 Anita

Hey Confused: got to get away from the computer for a few hours, I’ll be back in the evening. Please be good to the precious Confused!

HUGE smile on my face as I’m looking at the photo.. It’s absolutely beautiful and placed together in the box with so much love.

It’d take a cold, cold 🧊 heart to reject this gift.

“Was that panic-lie so big..”- definitely not by intent. How it landed for her. What old wounds it opened- I don’t know. And/ or she used it as an excuse to cancel the trip that caused her anxiety.

“I know she’s a person that once she leaves she never looks back.”- you know it because she told you so that one time?

🤔 Anita

Hi again, Mitch:

I’ve been thinking about what you shared, and I just wanted to add one thing that feels important.

When someone realizes they gave more than they received in a relationship, it’s very common to look back and wonder why they didn’t stand up for themselves sooner. But that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong — it means you cared, you tried, and you stayed connected in the only way you knew at the time.

You weren’t supposed to “know better” back then. You were doing your best with the emotional tools you had.

If any of this feels true for you, you’re welcome to share more whenever you feel ready.

Anita

Hey Dear Confused ✨️

I hope I can open the attachment when I’m at the computer (couldn’t when using the phone).

The letter, the photos and seashells you sent her, 2 of them pierced into a necklace with words inside them-

Wow, Confused.. how thoughtful, how loving ❤️

I feel special for being 1 of 2 people who know about this side of you 🙏

I think it’s a good idea to not send her the message when you’re dreading her reply.

“All those gestures are just flowing with her… all of a sudden everything vanishes and I feel indifferent and distant, my eyes turn cold and my gave cruel”-

The image I am having is of a heart opening and flowing, and then closing, sealed with fear, hurt and anger.

Like it says: ‘Oh, oh, I’m gonna get hurt, she’s gonna hurt me where it’d hurt the most 😢 => 🤬’

What thinks Confused?

🤔 Anita

I would like to be back in the morning (close to midnight here) 🙂