Good Sunday morning, Young 🙂

You wrote in your original post: “Recently, I was standing with a friend, joking around, when I noticed Lucy nearby. It felt like I started acting a little differently, as if I wanted to look better in front of her… When I notice that a girl is looking at me, I start feeling uncomfortable. I either make awkward, unnatural movements because I’m self-conscious, or I start acting differently to make myself look better in her eyes.”-

You were joking around with a friend, relaxed, your attention was on the conversation. But the moment you noticed Lucy nearby, your attention shifted inward. You may have thought things like: ‘How do I look?’ ‘Am I standing weirdly?’ ‘Do I sound stupid?’ ‘What does she think of me?’

Instead of simply Being yourself, you started Watching yourself. That is indeed self-consciousness.

Evaluation Anxiety is the fear of being judged or disapproved of by others. The anxious person is thinking things like ‘Does she think I’m awkward?” ‘Does she think I’m attractive?’ ‘Am I making a good impression?’ The focus is on how one is being evaluated.

Many teenagers and young adults experience this.

You wrote today: “Maybe you could give me some advice on how to stop doing that? It’s just something I don’t really like about myself.”-

The goal is not to stop caring entirely what others think. Most people care at least a little. The goal is to become less disturbed by it.

A few things might help:

1. Recognize what’s happening-

When you notice a girl looking at you and suddenly you feel awkward, you can silently say to himself: ‘I’m becoming self-conscious.’

Not: ‘Something is wrong.’ Just: ‘Ah, there it is again.’

Simply noticing the pattern can reduce its power.

2. Shift attention outward-

Your attention moves from the conversation, the joke, the activity, to: ‘How do I look?’, etc. When you catch yourself doing that, you can gently return your attention to what’s actually happening around you.

3. Allow imperfection-

Part of the anxiety comes from trying to appear ‘right.’ A helpful attitude is: ‘It’s okay if I look a little awkward.’ Ironically, people often become less awkward when they stop trying so hard not to be awkward.

4. Question the assumption that you are being evaluated-

A girl looking at you does not necessarily mean she is judging you. She may be daydreaming, looking around the room, noticing your friend, or thinking about something completely unrelated. Consider those possibilities when you get anxious.

5. Practice staying natural despite the feeling-

The feeling itself is not the problem. The pattern is:

Girl looks at me → I feel self-conscious → I change my behavior.

A healthier pattern is:

Girl looks at me → I feel self-conscious → I continue doing what I was already doing.

Over time, your brain learns that nothing bad happens when you’re simply being yourself.

Young, you’re already aware of the pattern, and your awareness is a strength. The next step is learning that you do not need to obey the impulse to perform. You can feel self-conscious and still act naturally. The more often you that, the weaker the self-consciousness usually becomes.

What do you think/ feel, Young?

Anita

Good Saturday morning (here), Crol:

Here are some practical ideas (taken from my little research):

(1) Make a list of skills you already have. Ten years as a stay-at-home parent likely involved: scheduling and organization, budgeting, coordinating appointments, handling paperwork, conflict resolution and multitasking.

Many people underestimate how transferable these skills are.

(2) Look into short training programs rather than degrees. Instead of committing to college, you might consider bookkeeping, medical billing and coding, customer service, administrative assistant work, data entry, basic IT support, or project coordination.

Some certifications can be earned in months rather than years.

(3) Contact your local workforce or employment center. Many communities offer free career counseling, résumé assistance, job-search coaching, subsidized training programs, grants for equipment and education.

(4) Apply for hybrid and local jobs as well as remote jobs. Remote positions are highly competitive. Sometimes an office, school, hospital, clinic, or nonprofit nearby offers more accessible entry-level opportunities.

(5) Improve equipment gradually. If lack of equipment is blocking jobs, you could investigate workforce grants,
refurbished computers, library resources, and/ or nonprofit technology programs.

(6) Network with other parents. Many jobs are found through people rather than applications. Other parents may know of school district positions, clerical openings, childcare jobs, nonprofit roles, or remote opportunities.

(7) Don’t dismiss your current job. If it pays the bills, it can be a stable foundation while you build qualifications. You don’t have to solve everything at once.

Crol, you’ve already survived things many people never have to face, including the loss of a child and raising a son while carrying that grief. The fact that you’re actively looking for ways to improve your situation says you’re not stuck. You may be at the beginning of a transition, but you’re already moving forward.

🌷 Anita

Hi again, Sleipnir:

“I suferred, why shouldn’t they?”-

Who are “they”, those who caused me to suffer?

I wouldn’t try to protect people who have abused me or others from suferring the consequences of their mis-behavior.

But I will go out of my way to protect future possible victims from the same abusers. And I will do my very best to not abuse anyone.

“I suferred. Why should they”-

Again, who is “they”?

🤔 Anita

Hi Sleipnir:

“I want to do something so badly.”- how about writing a letter with all your concerns and sending it to whom can do something to make real changes?

🤔 Anita

Good Friday morning (here), Young:

First, I wanted to say that 4 threads below yours (by the time I submit this post), on this page of list of topics, there’s a thread titled: “I just randomly and suddenly fell out of love”. It’s the oldest and longest running thread (Aug 26, 2015, 126 pages), with the theme of ROCD.

I answered the many members there since the very day the thread originated, and my first replies were about it being Fear that’s fueling ROCD.

It may be helpful for you to look at..?

I’ll post again a bit later.

Anita

Hi Young:

I’m glad to read that your girlfriend is a wonderful person and not responsible for your “issues” 🙂

In your original post, you wrote: “There have been times that I’ve blamed myself so intensely”, and I said: “Often that happens when we were unjustly blamed as children and we carry it on as self-blame”-

Is this true to you, to your earlier childhood?

If it is, then I do have experienced something very similar in childhood. Please let me know.

Anita

Hi Sleipnir:

Better orthopedic shoes and seeing a doctor in regard to the pain in your legs (you mentioned it today on your other thread) are excellent ideas, aren’t they?

Anita

Hello Young 🙂

Indeed, you are young, but aware, reflective and mature beyond your years 👏

You wrote: “At one point, I developed this issue where I felt like I wasn’t even allowed to look at other girls, let alone talk to them”-

Did this issue come about after your girlfriend perhaps accused you of being interested in other girls just because you happened to look at them or in their direction?

Did she blame you for intentions you didn’t have?

“Even if I accidently glanced at another girl, I would question myself, ‘Why did I do that?’ ‘I’m so disloyal'”-

Again, I wonder if your girlfriend questioned your motives and accused you of being disloyal?

“There have been times that I’ve blamed myself so intensely”-

Often that happens when we were unjustly blamed as children and we carry it on as self-blame,

And/ or it happens when someone imortant to us repeatedly blames us until it sticks.

You said that you do “a lot”, and “so much” for her. I wonder if part of it is trying to make up for that self-blame.

And I wonder if she does a lot for you?

In regard to Lucy, or to any other girl, your thoughts and your feelings are your own personal property, so to speak.

No one should claim ownership over what you think and what you feel.

Letting someone else tell you what you should think and feel is intrusive and inappropriate.

What people actually say and do (words and actions) may be other people’s business, but not what you think and feel.

Also, behind every feeling there’s a positive message, something that the feeling (emotion) is trying to tell you so to help you.

When you wanted to look better in front of Lucy, it tells me that you need to be valued by others, to be thought well of. And that’s natural and understandable.

You asked if you were faithful to your girlfriend when you thought or felt what you did in regard to Lucy-

No, says I. You were not unfaithful to your gf.

Perhaps you were unfaithful to yourself though by allowing your girlfriend to claim ownership over your thoughts and feelings..?

What do you think/ feel about my input, Young (if you’re willing to share, of course 🙂)

Oh, and yes, I have experienced something very similar. I’ll share about it more if you would like me to.

Anita