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anitaParticipantHey 🌿 Confused:
We’ve been talking since Dec 19, page 13, now 97 pages later; 7 months and 7 days later, here we are.
As to your most recent post, you wrote: “She said it herself, she can’t trust me”- I wonder if you asked her what trust means to her, what would she say? How would she define trust, and how would you define it?
Did you have such a conversation?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantYes, Caroline 🙂
The photo was taken indoors because it was raining that evening in the Winery I used to frequent and work at, but mostly the dancing took place outdoors to live music. I always danced after a few glasses of 🍷.
Those moments of moving to the music (free style) were moments of uninhibited youth, moments I did not experience when I was physically young. I felt old back then.. old before my time.
Dancing when older, recently, I FELT young, free, not self- conscious, not afraid to be judged. That was special. Magical. New to me.
Do you dance sometimes, Cariline ?
💃 (in jeans though 🙂) Anita
anitaParticipantShe needs to calm down before you can talk with her, is what I’m thinking. I’ll be away from the computer for a little while. Please try to calm down yourself.
anitaParticipantYes, I understand, Confused. You can “text” her, as in typing what you’re feeling, but don’t send it just now. Wait with the sending. Waiting is tough, isn’t it..?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
Reading your latest update, seems to me that she’s not done with you, that she’s coming down from an angry outburst.
If I was you, I would never again mention anything about an ex- directly or indirectly. It’s her sensitive point, why trigger it.
I don’t think you should walk on eggshells in each and every way- just on the exes- front.
Do you agree?
Oh, what part of what I wrote to you makes you ” not feel so nice”?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantYes, it did 🙂
anitaParticipantGood late Sunday morning, Nichole 🙂
I share the frustration of losing long, thoughtful messages- that’s why I copy each post before submitting it (except when using my phone, like now, because I don’t know how to copy).
I remember very well you disliking Chicago’s winters and longing to go back to Florida. I grew up in a climate similar to Florida- and without air conditioning, so I longed for a cooler climate, preferring winters over the too hot and humid summers I knew (except for getting stuck in snow for days, slipping on ice, water getting frozen in pipes, etc., all that happened to me in recent years).
Oh, my feeling of depression a few days ago didn’t last long but it reminded me how I used to feel on a regular, ongoing basis.
Really- you enjoyed my studies and recaps? I learned that for years replying to members here in the forums, I’ve been too analytical, as if I was a “therapist” conducting academic studies about people instead of communicationg with people, like human to human.
When I read last evening this part of your post: “You mean a lot to me. I have always felt I could be myself here. I also knew you would hear me and be kind also. You are a sacred space for me. Thank you!!!”-
I was overwhelmed, really. I couldn’t comfortably take it in and I needed time to absorb it. Your words are the opposite of what I grew up hearing and it feels so foreign to me still: that I could mean a lot.. that I could make a positive difference for someone.. that I could be a sacred space?
The opposite of what my mother told me: “You are one big zero”, and otherwise (paraphrazed):’You mean nothing but trouble to me, a burden, a curse!’.
So, thank you, Nichole, for the opposite voice. I just took a longer breath trying to absorb it 🙏
About the first quote, yes, I agree that “for everything, everywhere and everyone to be light and love” is naive, a wishful thinking kind of thing. It’s like sprinking real life pains and challenges with stars and rainbows- nice, but it doesn’t cover real life pains challenges for long.
Your insight about running away from pain for so long, and that it’s still your first instinct- is impressing to me. You really are way ahead on your journey of healing 👍
Similar to you, I used to expect a pain-free life once “healed”, and part of my journey was the growing understanding that allowing myself to feel the pain rather than running away from it is a necessary part of what healing is about.
I too 🙂 am proud of you for finding gratitude even when you were feeling trapped and in anxiety, and for having remained strong through it all 🙏
“I am not alone, and I’m not defined by those parts of my life. They are just pieces of me, and I also have more healed pieces and future pieces to come”- ditto! Said perfectly, Nichole!
And now, I am ready to submit this without copying, hoping it will go through 🙏
Anita
anitaParticipantHey sad Confused:
I spent some time this morning reading and rereading through your posts since the breakup (or pause, whichever it turns out to be), and first, I think it’s wise to not send her the text begging her to reconsider. Respecting her need for space is considerate and kind, even when it hurts.
Second, I think the planned trip on the 9th stressed her up a lot, leading to the breakup. Breakup = No Trip, No Trip = No Stress. (well, less stress for the moment).
Third, your lie was what’s called a technical lie (no intent to deceive), but she reacted to it as if it was a moral lie (intent to deceive).
The distinction between a technical lie and a moral lie matters!.
Fourth, just like your anxiety and anxious- ambivalent attachment style predated ever meeting her, same is true to her.
Neither one of you created the other’s anxiety and attachment style.
What do you think and feel Confused? How are you?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Confused- my heart is breaking a bit for you tonight- here, across the world from you 🙁
You take all the responsibility for what happened when truly, it’s at least 50-50. Her anxiety predated ever meeting you and it’s been huge enough to make a relationship with anyone an uphill battle.
You are not responsible for the (severe) anxiety she brought with her into the relationship with you.
I’m about to go to bed, be back in the morning. Please be kind to the bee’s knees Confused!
Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
I am so Confused myself that I asked Copilot to help me (copying and pasting what you shared). After a short conversation, I asked: “He did nothing wrong, did he? Maybe she was looking for a reason to break up with him?”
Copilot: “No — he didn’t do anything truly wrong. He didn’t cheat. He didn’t flirt. He didn’t hide anything meaningful. He didn’t deceive her for selfish reasons.
“He removed likes to protect her feelings, not to hide behavior. The only mistake was panicking and denying it when she asked — a fear‑reaction, not a betrayal.
“So why did she react like it was huge? Because her trust was already fragile. She was already exhausted. She was already unsure. She was already anxious.
“When trust is shaky, even a tiny fear‑based lie feels like confirmation of the worst fear: ‘Maybe I can’t trust him.’
“And yes — it is very possible she was already looking for a way out. Her reaction was too big for the situation.
Her decision was too fast. Her pain sounded older than this incident. Her exhaustion sounded long‑term.“When someone is already conflicted about staying, they often latch onto one moment — even a small one — because it gives them a clear exit.
“This breakup wasn’t about the lie. It was about everything that came before it, and the lie was simply the moment she used to make the decision she was already leaning toward.”-
Take your time with this, Confused and let me know what you think/ feel…?
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Eva:
It’s been 9 days since you posted last. I hope you are okay. You’ve been going some tough times, relationships wise. That’s never easy.
Please be gentle with yourself.
I’m here if you want to share more- not to tell you what you should think and what you should do (a bad habit of mine), but just to listen. To meet you where you’re at.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantOh.. dear Confused 😔
I reread the beginning of your message, trying to figure out what was the lie, and I didn’t get it. But I’ll tell you now that reading your post before this one, yesterday, I was no longer hopeful about the relationship.
Maybe she was ready to end it for some time, conflicted though… and eventually latched on to The Lie (whatever it is), so to take her beyond the conflict and end it/ her anxiety.
What was the lie, in simple language?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantIt makes me happy to read “I am quite hopeful tonight” It’s just after midnight in FL. Good night, Nichole. I’ll B Back in the morning 🙂
anitaParticipantWOW, Nichole, as I read your post, using my phone, I was suddenly afraid it’ll disappear before I can copy it for my private record using my computer, so to never lose it. Which I intend to do!
I have so much to say about your message and I will, tonight and probably tomorrow morning as well.
It’s no longer warm here and it’s supposed to rain tonight. Bogart’s energy level today was up because it’s so much cooler.
More later.
Thank you, Nichole 🙏
Anita
anitaParticipantThinking about you this Friday night, Calm Moon. Any hidden blessings lately ( referring to the closing of your last post, June 17 🙂)
🌿 Anita
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