Peter: “All our lives, we travel heavy. We pack our identities, our anxieties, our spiritual titles, and our past conditioning into heavy bags, dragging them frantically from one moment to the next.”-

Without any heavy bags, not even an ounce of a heavy bag, who would you be now, Peter? (not expecting an answer)

I just asked myself the same question and an unfamiliar, intense jolt of youthful fire-like burned through me for a moment. I won’t analyze it (analysis is in a bag right now that I’m not carrying).

Then that’s all I have: that feeling of an uninterrupted life.

Anita

Hello again, Sponge ✨️

I am using my phone, so no AI for me. I’ll be thinking out loud about what you shared.

Strict religious upbringing you say, and 7 siblings. Often, siblings take on different roles: the one rebelling against the parents and the loyal, obedient one; the responsible one, and the irresponsible, etc.

It may be that you didn’t have an intimate relationship with a woman until your late 20s because you were the loyal one, loyal to your parents’ religious principles.

You told your mother about the situation, and sounds like you felt comforgable doing so. Maybe because she’s been encouraging you to have a relationship, being that you’re approaching 30, and she wants you get married.

Maybe, just maybe, the rules of obedience changed: at first being told: no sex before marriage (and you obeyed), but then telling you that sex is okay (before marriage) in hope you’ll get married, leading to a conflict/ emotional confusion, and the resulting inability on those couple or few occasions to perform sexually.

Maybe.

You didn’t share much about the woman you had the relationship with: what were her values, her goals, her interests. Maybe those were not compatible with yours. Maybe you didn’t really like her. Maybe you weren’t really attracted to her, which would explain the conflict: wanting a relationship.. but not with her.

Just because she’s your first intimate/ sexual relationship doesn’t mean she’s the woman for you.

And about guilt, religious invoked guilt perhaps, that’s a tough one.

Again, I don’t know because you didn’t share everything, and that’s okay. If you’d like to share more, perhaps respond to my maybe-s, please do. If you feel uncomfortable doing so, that’s okay too.

Also, this thread is almost 10 years old (Aug 2015), and I think that I replied to members on this thread on the very first day Jaz started this thread (I appear as “anonymous” because at one point I deleted my account but returned under a new account. All my posts though close with my name, anita)

Maybe thoroughly reading the exchanges can help you.

🌿✨️🌿 Anita

Hey Confused:

I sure do hope that you’ll feel better soon. There’s a strong connection between our thinking and our feelings. If we think differently (easier said than done, of course), if we think more accurately, then we’d feel better. That’s the essence of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Think a feeling SHOULD or SHOULDN’T be, and you’re inviting feeling badly. It’s not just me saying that. I just asked you know whom, and he said:

“When someone believes a feeling should or shouldn’t exist, they create inner conflict — and inner conflict always produces more suffering.

When someone thinks a feeling shouldn’t be there, they start fighting it, criticizing themselves, or trying to push it away — and that adds tension, shame, and frustration on top of the original feeling.

“So instead of just having the feeling, a person now has the feeling (or lack of it) plus the belief that the feeling is wrong. That’s why telling yourself a feeling ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ exist almost always makes you feel worse: the judgment becomes its own source of suffering.

“The feeling itself isn’t the problem; the fight he has with the feeling is what hurts (Confused)”

Anita and Copilot

Hello devesh tiwaro 🙂

We talked last year in March in your first thread. At the time, you felt stuck in a relationship with your girlfriend of 9 years (while having multiple casual relationships with other women), and you wanted to break free from her while feeling guilty and conflicted.

You wanted to leave your country and explore different women and different places.

Fast forward a year and a few months, and you’re feeling stuck in your life: stuck in your city, stuck with your people.

You said: ” I have some financial burden, some family responsibilities.”

And you asked: “If I go to another location without any plan, another country, city, will it be a good idea or not?”-

I am wondering if you have been told from an early age (as a boy) that you have to financially support your parents in their older age, that you have to put your young life on hold (to sacrifice your needs, particularly your need to be free), so to fulfill.. family responsibilities?

🤔 Anita

Hey Eva:

The things you’re describing — the urge to text him, the spiraling thoughts when you see him, the self‑blame, the fantasies about his future, even missing the affection that wasn’t consistent — these are signs of how overwhelmed your nervous system still is after a relationship that kept you in a constant state of uncertainty.

When someone has been in a bond where they were never really chosen, the body doesn’t just let go because the relationship ended. It keeps reaching for what was familiar, even if that familiar thing hurt.

When affection is rare, inconsistent, and unpredictable, the brain clings harder, searching for the next “reward,” which intensifies longing, self‑blame, and obsessive thoughts after the breakup (the addiction) You’re reacting to a long period of emotional deprivation and confusion.

What helps now is not forcing yourself to “stop” these reactions but offering yourself small moments of grounding when they appear — reminding yourself that your body is reacting to the history you had with him — the uncertainty, the emotional deprivation, the intermittent affection.

None of this means he was the right person or that you lost something irreplaceable. It means your heart is still unwinding from a relationship where you carried all the emotional weight alone. With time, these waves soften, and your system learns safety again.

Anita (with the help of AI)

Hey Dear Confused 🙂

Seems like you’re giving up on psych meds for now, and by the time she visits you, the med will be out of your system.

All I can say, at this time, is that maybe if you make peace with everything that you feel and everything that you don’t feel; if you stop hoping or expecting to feel this or that.. that change of mindset can help. A lot. Says I.

🌿🌿🌿 Anita

Hello Numero Uno ScottyDye 🙂

I feel your rebellious spirit, and it inspires me!

I also want to rebel this Mon night, the day after Independence Day: rebel against people who are quick to judge others just because it makes them feel superior, or righteous. I declare my independence from their judgements!

But enough about me. This thread is about you. 👏👏👏 for carving your own independent way in life, step by step. Every step counts, and this thread is a step forward.

✨️✨️✨️ Anita