Oh, I didn’t even notice your dog in the background. Can’t see clearly. I see a black tail..? How’s Gunner?

Dear Robi: I’m excited to read part of your message and will get back to it tonight. Yes, Autumn is here big time and it’s been raining all night long and all day long (I got to get out of the house anyway!). I hope you sleep well, Robi!

Anita

Continued:

It makes sense not to commit long-term to the café, and your anxiety in regard to the courier job- being too exhausted to (1) work out, and (2) spend quality time with yourself, tells me how important these 2 things are and that they should be prioritized and practiced every day.

About your girlfriend- from what you shared recently, seems to me that she’s capable and willing to accommodate your understandable and valid need for AA (for the daily practice of Autonomy and Agency).

I hope your stress level lessens, one day, one night, one AA practice, one step at a time 👣

Anita

Continued:

Robi, Feb 1, 2023:

“You know I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother? It has to have something to do with my parents/ childhood/that apartment where we lived… She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is.

“All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact…  So, I avoid her almost at all costs, I avoid eye contact, I keep conversations to a bare minimum… 

“So, I would look at her, and I would instantly feel tension… In time I started being irritated by the sound of her in general, walking, talking etc. so very often I would get angry inside,

“Sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like oh, she’s here again.. I would even insult her in all kinds of ways. It’s like I’m angry with her but.. I mean.. there is no reason to be angry with her. But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood. I’ve said those kinds of things in my mind, and I acted in a similar manner.

“I think It was my mum I was always angry with…So, I’m basically experiencing a past experience that had a traumatic effect on me and caused me a lot of discomfort and anger. It made me feel trapped, constantly monitored, constantly seen but not really seen for real.

“I hated it and I’ve had no choice but to bottle up, get angry in my head, call her (or them) names, get angry at them. I suppressed my authenticity, my voice, myself in order to keep the relationship, the shelter. I’ve had no choice as a child and for months now, it felt like I’ve had no choice as an adult.”-

Reading those words again, I can’t help but notice how relevant they still seem today.

I think it’s possible that what you’re interpreting as sabotaging commitment is, at least in part, an attempt to avoid a re-living of the entrapment you experienced as a child.

I wish you were given some measure of privacy, of autonomy and agency growing up (or is growing inward more accurate?)

Looking at what you wrote in 2023, and reading your post today, I can’t help but notice how often the themes of Freedom, Space, Privacy, Choice and having A Life of Your Own appear.

So, when you think about your girlfriend visiting, I wonder: is the strongest feeling really about her, or is it about protecting a recently regained sense of autonomy?

After all, you have been describing how much you enjoyed having some time alone in a neutral, quiet space. Perhaps that need deserves to be listened to before it is judged.

Maybe the question is not ‘Do I love my girlfriend enough?’ but ‘Do I currently have enough room to be myself?’

In my own life, Autonomy and Agency felt as essential as Oxygen. Reading your posts over the years, I wonder if AA feels similarly important to you?

Anita

Good Monday evening, Nea 🙂

It’s exactly 6 days into Fall here, north west USA. Totally dark now, a bit after 7:30 pm. Bogart the Beagle is lying by the woodstove fire (3rd eve in a row).

I’ve been working outside till shortly after sunset with just enough light, adding to the burn pile (burn ban should be lifted any day now.. Country life).

My social life has switched from the closed taproom (2017- April 2026) to.. the dog park downtown. It’s become my routine now.

But enough about my exciting life 🤸‍♂️

The phrase 2-siding is new to me too. So, in situations where one person is clearly the Perpetrator (initiating and perpetrating verbal abuse, threatening physical violence) and the other person is clearly the Victim, some people will give the victim just a bit of validation (‘you were wronged’) and a moment later, soften and minimize the aggressor’s behavior, implying it wasn’t that bad, that it’s part of normal family difficulties, etc.

It’s about pacifying the victim and the perpetrator at the same time, so that they’ll get along. Problem is that 2-siding feeds and maintains aggression in the long run.

It reminds me of the belly up posture of one dog threatened by an aggressive second dog. It signals ‘I submit. Please don’t hurt me’ and the result: the aggressive dog is satisfied and does not continue the attack.. for the time being (repeated submissions are required 😌)

It’s funny (in a way), I just scrolled up, using my phone, and I read: “I found myself thinking: ‘Why can’t he (your husband) be the bigger person?'”- by saying ‘hi’or apologizing, I figure.

Thing is, if he submits to your father (even in ‘small’ ways,initiating a ‘hi’ or an apology), he’ll be- not the bigger person- but the smaller person, signaling the ‘belly up’ position.

I think that if your husband submitted to your father, he’ll be less of a husband to you and less of a father to your daughter.

I just scrolled up again and read your thoughts about “culture” and “respecting parents”-

I think that parental abuse shows up in all cultures and that when respecting parents means submitting to abusive parents- as adults when you have a choice- is unwise.

I hope all this is not too much..?

Anita

Dear Robi:

Monday morning here and I’m smiling imagining 🚶‍♂️ 🛣️ your walk, which is, by the way, exactly how long it took me to walk from the Winery to the taproom (both businesses closed). I miss those days and that walk.

I read your post and I want to take my time responding. I will by tonight. For now: there’s a positive message behind every emotion you feel, and behind every emotional state (that’s true for everyone). Sometimes you don’t see the message, but it’s there.

“It was pretty nice to be able to be on my own a little in a neutral, quiet space.”- that pretty nice feeling’s message seems clear to me: you need to be on your own in a neutral, quiet place, just like you said.

* If by neutral you mean feeling Calm, the opposite would be feeling Charged, upset, agitated, triggered (antonyms of calm)

“Then (in Spain or Warsaw) I was often complaining I didn’t have my own space.. maybe I didn’t like sharing a house with a flat mate in Spain”- I think that you felt charged, upset, agitated, etc., when sharing the house with a flat mate in Spain, and when living with your girlfriend and her mother in Warsaw. Didn’t you?

“My girlfriend wants to come visit me for a few days… the relationship is being questioned too, again. I don’t really know why. I sometimes feel like I don’t feel anything. I sometimes blame myself for not feeling that much excitement about my girlfriend. When she’s here, or I’m there and we’ve spent some time together I feel good about her but after a few days on my own I already start feeling distant and question the relationship.”-

I’m asking myself what’s the positive message behind you not feeling anything (or feeling indifferent or distant) after a few days of being on your own, or now that she wants to visit you?

The image (again) of Robi minimizing his computer screen when intruded upon- unexpectedly, anytime, and without your control- popped back to my mind.

Maybe that experience conditioned you to generally experience people in close proximity as intruders, people who are Robbing Robi of control/ privacy/ calm? And the positive message behind feeling distant from your girlfriend is protective (as in: I don’t want to be intruded upon; I want privacy and calm)?

Anita

Good Saturday early afternoon, Nea 🙂

I hope that you are well, Nea!

A few minutes ago, I looked at the title of your thread, a title that puzzled me for a long time, but I didn’t know why until a few minutes ago.

“When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood”-

It implies that the family dynamics you grew up with were acceptable in childhood, and became unacceptable only in adulthood.

Isn’t it amazing how we normalize, or soften the abuse we did grow up with?

We Soften it as much as possible so to Survive it.

And then, when your husband who did not grow up with your father- did not soften the abuse, he’s been blamed for it.

You had to survive that abuse because you had nowhere to go. But now, as an adult, you do have somewhere to go.

So, in my mind, if your father wants you in his life, it is not that your husband has to soften for him, it’s your father who needs to soften- at least in how he behaves.

Anita

Back 2 U, Dear Robi:

“My starting point isn’t that bad”-

You think of your starting point being that of a 33 year old (healthy, fit) man who is living with his parents (for the last year or so), unemployed, money running out.

And you’re giving yourself how much time (?) to move out of your parents + to be employed or self- employed + to make a certain amount of money + (something else?)- so that you can finally feel worthy, no longer ashamed?

That kind of thinking creates pressure, doesn’t it? It taking so much effort, time and consistency to reach a point of No More Shame.

Imagine dropping the shame not then-and-there but here-and-now (in the next few days)?

It will take away the pressure factor, the extra stress, the extra difficulty.

And not by some tricky-thinking, but by adopting true, realistic thinking, such that fits reality.

Reality is that there’s nothing wrong with you, Robi, never has been. You adapted to the environment where you grew up in. Anyone growing up in your exact circumstances would have ended up where you’re at- at best.

I’ve communicated with you for a long time, and I know you’re very intelligent- intellectually and emotionally. You’re creative, reflective.. you’re amazing! And I’m sure you’ve always been amazing.

If you grew up in a healthy home, loved, supported, respected.. why, you would be Flying long ago!

I hope that you can let go of the shame that doesn’t belong to you. You’re doing very well now, considering your parents and upbringing.

Let go of undeserved shame, and life will be better right now- not months or years from now.

It’ll make it easier for you to get employed, move out, etc.

What thinks-feels Robi1992?

Anita