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anitaParticipantHey Confused:
I hear how much you are hurting 😢 and how deeply you feel for her.
Again, I don’t think that you broke her trust with that one lie. I think it’s more complex situation than that.
I hope things will become simpler in her mind as well as in yours.
I know that she has a special place in your ❤️. May that place become a peaceful place- even without contact with her (for now).
The Serenity Prayer is about the peace I’m talking about, the peace of mind and heart when you accept today (or this evening, your time) what you cannot change, one hour ar a time.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
I hear how much it hurts 🙁and how much you care about her. Anyone would feel shaken after a message like that. But right now, the kindest thing you can do — for her and for yourself — is to give her the space she asked for.
She’s not asking you to stop caring; she’s asking for quiet so she can heal. Checking in again will only make her feel pressured, even if your intentions are good.
Let her breathe. Let yourself breathe. You didn’t lose your worth, and you didn’t lose your future. This is just a moment of pain, not the end of your life. Take things slowly, take care of yourself, and let time settle things.
How are you feeling now, almost 3 hours following your last post here?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHey.. Dear Confused:
I want to be honest with you because I care about both you and her.
Right now, the two of you are not good for each other. Not because either of you is bad, but because both of you are overwhelmed. Her fear and insecurity are very high, and your anxiety and sadness are very high too. When two people are in this state at the same time, the relationship becomes painful for both.
She is not well emotionally. Her reactions show she is scared, exhausted, and not thinking clearly. And you are not well either — you are crying, panicking, and feeling empty. This is not a healthy place for either of you.
You are not “unhealthy” as a person, but you are unhealthy for her right now, because she needs stability and calm, and you are too hurt and anxious to give that. And she is unhealthy for you right now, because her fear and mistrust make you feel desperate and broken.
This doesn’t mean the relationship was fake. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her. It means that right now, both of you are hurting too much to help each other.
The kindest thing you can do — for her and for yourself — is to step back and let both of you breathe. Let her calm her mind. Let yourself calm your mind. Later, when both of you are stronger, you can see what is possible. But right now, pushing harder will only make both of you suffer more.
I’m saying this with concern for both of you.
Anita and Copilot
anitaParticipantI’ll be answering you shortly, Confused. Talking to Copilot
anitaParticipantDear Confused:
You may be answering my last post as I am typing this one, but I figure I’ll honestly tell you what I think is happening. (I may ask Copilot for his opinion later, when I have the use of the computer).
I think that she had been a victim of some serious emotional trauma before she met you, as a child perhaps ( feeling betrayed, feeling like the unchosen one), and that trauma is currently activated.
That’s why she’s experiencing “derealization” (your word).
* Maybe her earlier life trauma led to her autoimmune disorder that has gotten worse recently, since her trauma is now activated.
You wrote a little while ago, that after you expressed love for her, “Now, Anita, I am questioning myself.. is it love, or is it an attempt to win her over and then I will shut down/ lose interest again”-
Now, here’s the thing, Confused: a traumatized woman (trauma caused before she even knew you existed, none of your doing) needs a stable, reliable love.
Your ongoing doubting that you love her and shutting down- has to be unhealthy for her. I don’t think she can handle a ‘maybe I love you, maybe I don’t’
Traumatized or not, it’s not easy for any woman to be okay with.
Your doubting your love for her, your shutdowns and reoccurring times of indifference to her are not your choosing, not your fault, but I think it cannot NOT hurt her.
Maybe the two of you can heal separately (professional therapy), and maybe, someday the two of you will get back together as stronger, confident individuals.
But now.. as difficult as it feels, think of leaving her alone. Maybe she’ll take the steps she needs to take so to heal. I hope.
What do you think, Confused?
Anita
anitaParticipantWell, Confused- she told you something that isn’t true, knowing it wasn’t true.
She’s not a bad person for that, she did it out of hurt and maybe anger, but she too says untruthful knowingly, aka lying..?
But you don’t hold it against her because you understand where she’s coming from?
anitaParticipantWait, wait, wait, Confused, “She bluffed”, as in.. lied?
anitaParticipantHey 🌿 Confused:
We’ve been talking since Dec 19, page 13, now 97 pages later; 7 months and 7 days later, here we are.
As to your most recent post, you wrote: “She said it herself, she can’t trust me”- I wonder if you asked her what trust means to her, what would she say? How would she define trust, and how would you define it?
Did you have such a conversation?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantYes, Caroline 🙂
The photo was taken indoors because it was raining that evening in the Winery I used to frequent and work at, but mostly the dancing took place outdoors to live music. I always danced after a few glasses of 🍷.
Those moments of moving to the music (free style) were moments of uninhibited youth, moments I did not experience when I was physically young. I felt old back then.. old before my time.
Dancing when older, recently, I FELT young, free, not self- conscious, not afraid to be judged. That was special. Magical. New to me.
Do you dance sometimes, Cariline ?
💃 (in jeans though 🙂) Anita
anitaParticipantShe needs to calm down before you can talk with her, is what I’m thinking. I’ll be away from the computer for a little while. Please try to calm down yourself.
anitaParticipantYes, I understand, Confused. You can “text” her, as in typing what you’re feeling, but don’t send it just now. Wait with the sending. Waiting is tough, isn’t it..?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
Reading your latest update, seems to me that she’s not done with you, that she’s coming down from an angry outburst.
If I was you, I would never again mention anything about an ex- directly or indirectly. It’s her sensitive point, why trigger it.
I don’t think you should walk on eggshells in each and every way- just on the exes- front.
Do you agree?
Oh, what part of what I wrote to you makes you ” not feel so nice”?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantYes, it did 🙂
anitaParticipantGood late Sunday morning, Nichole 🙂
I share the frustration of losing long, thoughtful messages- that’s why I copy each post before submitting it (except when using my phone, like now, because I don’t know how to copy).
I remember very well you disliking Chicago’s winters and longing to go back to Florida. I grew up in a climate similar to Florida- and without air conditioning, so I longed for a cooler climate, preferring winters over the too hot and humid summers I knew (except for getting stuck in snow for days, slipping on ice, water getting frozen in pipes, etc., all that happened to me in recent years).
Oh, my feeling of depression a few days ago didn’t last long but it reminded me how I used to feel on a regular, ongoing basis.
Really- you enjoyed my studies and recaps? I learned that for years replying to members here in the forums, I’ve been too analytical, as if I was a “therapist” conducting academic studies about people instead of communicationg with people, like human to human.
When I read last evening this part of your post: “You mean a lot to me. I have always felt I could be myself here. I also knew you would hear me and be kind also. You are a sacred space for me. Thank you!!!”-
I was overwhelmed, really. I couldn’t comfortably take it in and I needed time to absorb it. Your words are the opposite of what I grew up hearing and it feels so foreign to me still: that I could mean a lot.. that I could make a positive difference for someone.. that I could be a sacred space?
The opposite of what my mother told me: “You are one big zero”, and otherwise (paraphrazed):’You mean nothing but trouble to me, a burden, a curse!’.
So, thank you, Nichole, for the opposite voice. I just took a longer breath trying to absorb it 🙏
About the first quote, yes, I agree that “for everything, everywhere and everyone to be light and love” is naive, a wishful thinking kind of thing. It’s like sprinking real life pains and challenges with stars and rainbows- nice, but it doesn’t cover real life pains challenges for long.
Your insight about running away from pain for so long, and that it’s still your first instinct- is impressing to me. You really are way ahead on your journey of healing 👍
Similar to you, I used to expect a pain-free life once “healed”, and part of my journey was the growing understanding that allowing myself to feel the pain rather than running away from it is a necessary part of what healing is about.
I too 🙂 am proud of you for finding gratitude even when you were feeling trapped and in anxiety, and for having remained strong through it all 🙏
“I am not alone, and I’m not defined by those parts of my life. They are just pieces of me, and I also have more healed pieces and future pieces to come”- ditto! Said perfectly, Nichole!
And now, I am ready to submit this without copying, hoping it will go through 🙏
Anita
anitaParticipantHey sad Confused:
I spent some time this morning reading and rereading through your posts since the breakup (or pause, whichever it turns out to be), and first, I think it’s wise to not send her the text begging her to reconsider. Respecting her need for space is considerate and kind, even when it hurts.
Second, I think the planned trip on the 9th stressed her up a lot, leading to the breakup. Breakup = No Trip, No Trip = No Stress. (well, less stress for the moment).
Third, your lie was what’s called a technical lie (no intent to deceive), but she reacted to it as if it was a moral lie (intent to deceive).
The distinction between a technical lie and a moral lie matters!.
Fourth, just like your anxiety and anxious- ambivalent attachment style predated ever meeting her, same is true to her.
Neither one of you created the other’s anxiety and attachment style.
What do you think and feel Confused? How are you?
🌿 Anita
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