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September 2, 2026 at 1:15 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460783
anitaParticipantGood Thursday afternoon, Nea:
“So maybe the next part for me is less about figuring them out and more about deciding how I want to live around what I already know.”- I respect where you’re at with this, and so, I will let go of analyzing parents here, in your thread 🙂
I would love to read, if you’re willing to share along the way, how you’re living around what you already know.
Communicating with you helped me understand things better about my own life, so thank you 🤍🙏
Currently, I have 2 beagles napping on my lap as I’m typing this message. In the background I hear far away traffic and the sound of leaves moving with the wind. Fall had just started here a few days ago. I feel a bit sad today, missing irl human socialization.
🍁🍂 🍃 Anita
anitaParticipantGood Tues night, Annie 🙂
Eight days ago, you wrote to me that you’d be happy to speak to me. You also wrote that day that you have little energy.
I’m still here if you want to speak to me.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantThinking about you this Tues afternoon, Girija, hoping you’re okay. Anita
September 1, 2026 at 12:16 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460773anitaParticipantOne more thing Nea 🙂- everything I shared right above is just my understanding based on what you described in 9 pages. Please take only what feels true to you and leave anything that doesn’t fit. You’re seeing these dynamics with a lot of clarity, and I trust your ability to make your own conclusions about your family and what feels right for you. 🌿
September 1, 2026 at 12:00 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460772anitaParticipantThe reason I mentioned knowing only 3 people with this extreme unwillingness to look within (1- my mother, through personal irl experience, 2- your father, through no personal experience irl or online, based only on your honest and articulate 9- pages sharing, and 3- another person with whom I communicated online only, all three are older- late 50s to 80s)-
Is to point out how rare and extreme this level of emotional- mental rigidity really is. I am not a mental health professional, but it’s on the level of a personality disorder, nothing you can change or negotiate with.
Anita
September 1, 2026 at 11:34 am in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460771anitaParticipantGood Tuesday late morning, Nea 🙂
“Eventually, it became easier to comply than to keep questioning things”-
Your father (and please let me know if I’m wrong), like my mother, and like just one other person I know, is unable and unwilling to be questioned or confronted at all. I mean, not ever, not a tiny bit, no matter how gently.
I don’t like to be questioned or confronted myself. It’s unpleasant because it scratches my deep shame- wound from long ago.
But I’m able to endure the unpleasantness, that touch of old shame, because I want to do right by others- to help others, or at least, to not harm other people.
But for some people, their deep shame wound is still so raw, or the memory of it is so alive, that their first priority is to silence and punish anyone who asks them to look within.
And there’s nothing you can do to change that. Neither one (your father, my mother..) is going to pay a therapist for the ‘pleasure’ of looking within, which means, to feel that deep shame within, and correct their behaviors.
You mentioned that your father and husband were “genuinely close” in the beginning. I believe that the genuine closeness- on your father’s side- depended on a 100% do-as-I-say compliance on the part of your husband
Fast forward, that heavenly bubble of genuine closeness between them is gone and restoring it is impossible, says I- because in your father’s mind, your husband is guilty and the only thing that can be restored is compliance, not closeness.
You mentioned your mother making comments that had hurt your husband. Is she trying to avoid your father’s anger by joining him against your husband?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
I am glad to read from you this Monday night, but sorry to read that you are in a bad spot in every area of your life 😔
“I was thinking of trying to end the analyzing/ rumination of my relationship and everything”-
Okay, no more analysis from me.
“Today… I felt weird”- here’s the word again, w.e.i.r.d- not analyzing it. I hope that soon, you will feel Well, not Weird.
“I get this strange feeling like I don’t know ‘what to do’ with her IRL, I guess that’s because we’re mainly online.”-
I don’t think you ever explained things as clearly and as simply as you did right above.
3 days IRL vs.. how long online?
🤔 Anita
August 30, 2026 at 10:08 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460743anitaParticipantNea, I’m still smiling 🙂 that I’m replying only eight minutes after your message.
When you wrote that your husband was “sometimes reassured but mostly silenced by yelling,” that really stood out. Yelling isn’t just loud talking — it’s a dominance tactic. It shuts down questions, stops discussion, overrides doubt, forces compliance, and intimidates. Your father wasn’t simply overconfident; he was controlling the situation through intimidation.
When someone raises reasonable doubts and is met with yelling instead of a real conversation, it becomes impossible to think clearly or make a free choice. Yelling doesn’t reassure — it silences. And it makes sense that both you and your husband ended up following his lead even when you weren’t fully comfortable.
You’re seeing this dynamic with a lot of clarity, Nea. I’m here with you as you keep untangling it.
Anita
August 30, 2026 at 8:50 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460737anitaParticipantHey 🙂 Nea, so good reading back from you only.. 4 minutes ago.
So, your father over-promised and presented himself as Authority the two of you better Obey, for your benefit? As in, ask me no- questions, just follow?
And after the 2 of U followed him.. nowhere, he blamed your husband.
About the family member being a direct recepient- well.. the phrase “Money talks” comes to mind 😔
Anita
August 30, 2026 at 8:17 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460732anitaParticipantGood late Sunday evening, Nea:
I find myself with a two questions this evening, but please, feel free to not answer. I’d like to keep talking with you whether you answers these, or not.
1) You said in your most recent post today, and in your original post, that you and your husband were “led to believe” certain things that didn’t materialize.
Do you mean that your father intentionally misrepresented things in regard to you choosing to rent your place out, and in regard to your husband job opportunity?
2) The other family member who said: ‘If your husband truly cared about you…’ didn’t say ‘if your father…’
Has he or she been a direct or indirect recipient of your father’s “generosity”?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
“I don’t know how to explain it, it’s weird”-
You used the adjective “weird” so many times since Dec.
So, you’re thinking about taking space from the forums here, and from other spaces- of course, Confused..
I don’t think it’s weird at all that you need space 🙂
I’m here for whatever is right for you. I respect your need for space.
🌿 Anita
August 30, 2026 at 3:35 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460725anitaParticipantHi Nea 🙂
More later, but for now, about the family member’s advice — it’s emotionally understandable but not valid. Saying “if he truly cares, he should let it go for now” is basically encouraging your husband to abandon his boundaries, swallow his legitimate hurt, and pretend nothing happened. That would be self‑erasure, and it would damage the marriage long‑term.
What you are realizing — and articulating beautifully — is that your anxiety relief cannot come from your husband’s severe emotional sacrifice. It has to come from your own internal grounding, like you said.
Anita
August 30, 2026 at 9:56 am in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460720anitaParticipantNea (Aug 29-30): “What you said about the role giving me a sense of control really resonated. I think that is exactly what it was. Growing up in such a volatile environment, trying to smooth things over or bring temporary peace gave me at least the feeling that I could do something… So now that I’m trying not to fall into that same role, I can really feel how much anxiety comes up… I’m just so tired of the entire topic now. It has taken up so much emotional space during a time when I’m only a week postpartum and really should be focused on recovering, my husband, and our baby… I really appreciate the loving-kindness meditation (Roberta) suggested, and I’ll do my best to practice it.”-
Good Sunday morning, Nea 🤍🌿
May I (Anita) be safe.
May I be peaceful.
May I be healthy.
May I live with ease.May you (Nea) be safe.
May you be peaceful.
May you be healthy.
May you live with ease.When you repeat the loving‑kindness meditation (mettā) for yourself, your husband, your daughter, and your father, it isn’t about changing relationships. It’s about changing your internal state — giving your body small moments of real peace.
Real peace is ease that comes from inside the body.
Temporary peace is the relief that comes from ending tension by bending, appeasing, apologizing, or making yourself small so someone else calms down. It feels like peace because the shouting stops and the room quiets, but it’s not safety — it’s just the absence of explosion.
Temporary peace often requires pretending the conflict is “over” or the harm wasn’t that bad.
Mettā doesn’t ask you to pretend. You can say “May I be safe” while fully acknowledging that your father’s behavior is harmful, that your husband is being unfairly targeted, and that the family system is dysfunctional.
Real peace coexists with truth. Temporary peace requires denial.
Your childhood taught: “If I bend, the tension stops.” Mettā teaches: “If I breathe, the tension becomes manageable.”
You’re postpartum, exhausted, and being pulled into a conflict you didn’t create. Mettā gives you a way to feel calm without sacrificing yourself or your husband.
Saying mettā for your father can be therapeutic only if the intention is goodwill from a distance — not responsibility, not appeasement, and not the old reflex of “If I make him peaceful, the danger stops.”
The key is wishing peace for his sake, not to fix the situation and not to protect yourself.“May he be safe. May he be peaceful. May he be healthy. May he live with ease.”- these phrases don’t imply closeness, forgiveness, or reconciliation. They simply express goodwill.
You can picture him far away — at the edge of a field, across a river, or on a distant hill. Not close, not in your space. This keeps your nervous system safe while offering goodwill. Then return to yourself: “May I be safe…” to remind yourself that your wellbeing is not dependent on his behavior.
You are not responsible for his emotions, his peace, preventing explosions, or holding the family together.
Mettā lets you offer goodwill without reenacting the old childhood role.🤍🌿✨ Anita
anitaParticipantI was just thinking about you, Confused, thought of asking how you’re doing but wanted to give you space 🙂
Wait, having empathy for yourself feels like you being a fraud 🤔?
August 29, 2026 at 8:45 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #460714anitaParticipantNea, it’s so good to read from you this Saturday night 🙂
I wish you nothing but peace — especially now, only a week postpartum, when your whole world should be centered on recovery, your husband, and your baby.
About your father.. what you describe sounds like a pattern where he holds very tightly to his position, and others end up bending around him because he simply won’t. It’s a dynamic that has worked for him over the years, even though it comes at a real emotional cost to you.
I’m so sorry you’re carrying this at a time when you should be surrounded by gentleness.
I’ll write more in the morning.
🌿 Anita
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