fbpx
Menu

Son left unexpectedly

HomeForumsParentingSon left unexpectedly

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 100 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #428562
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Hi. I’m new. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with my son moving into his father’s out of the blue. He asked me not to contact him so for the most part I haven’t. I sent him Christmas money and last month a message that I love him very much. It’s been nine months. I’m sorry this might be long.

    We were very close before he left, although he’d become quite involved in a new friendship that took up a lot of his time, and he’d been a bit remote those last few weeks. I’d had a hard time juggling allowing him to spread his wings and keeping him safe with his new friend, because his new friend had lots of chaos in his family life. I thought it was normal teenage boy stuff, and that he was starting his journey to manhood and separating himself from his mother.

    The friend he became very involved with wasn’t well mentally, although I didn’t find out until after my son left. I was speaking to mutual friends about him leaving, and being a bit worried about his only friend coming from a troubled family with lots of police involvement. It turned out boy had told lots of serious lies to my son and the mutual friend felt obligated to speak to the family. My son was really angry I had spoken about him, and had reasons he accepted his friend’s lies, like his friend had a hard couple of years and blocked most of it out and that’s why he said things that hadn’t really happened – things like his brother ended his life.

    My son had problems with being bullied at school, and became very anxious to the point of throwing up a lot and avoiding school, so he homeschooled for two years. Towards the end he became lonely, and was ready to go back to school, so started going again last year. He had a cheeky mouth on him, and said something smart, so the other student cornered him the next day and body slammed him and broke his wrist. The school couldn’t expel that student, and my son was bullied by the student’s friends while he was suspended, so became too afraid to attend the school when that student returned. I found another college for him to go to then.

    I’m explaining this, because for different reasons we were much closer than most, as he didn’t have many friends. We were much closer because he needed me more than most. He attended regular counselling though, to build his life skills while he homeschooled, because I didn’t know how to help him in that regard.

    I’ve gone through a lot of loss in the past five years but I never dreamed I’d lose the most important person in the world. I’ve never had a big circle of friends because my best friend didn’t cope well with others in our friendship. My mother never approved of anyone, or of me for that matter, and cut ties. And my partner of five years left unexpectedly. I understand those losses because I was starting to put value in myself and ask to be treated with care by them.

    I didn’t have issues with my son though, the love and respect between us was strong, only not so much in the last few weeks. I had asked him not to be rude to me a few times and he would tell me he was joking or find a way to blame me. I did get a bit cross his last night here at being spoken to really rudely.

    The other difference was he became totally engrossed in his mobile phone from the day he bought it, so probably that had gone on for nearly a year, and I was really uncomfortable with that. But he was 16 and I didn’t know what to do about it.

    Will he ever want to know me again? I have gone over everything I can think of to try and understand why he left and I can’t think of anything, not even if I stack every little negative thing that happened between us together, I can’t imagine everything being big enough to make him cut me out of his life.

    #428579
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sadsoul:

    Welcome to the forums. I hope that you will soon find the answers you need, and the peace of mind that goes with it.

    I have gone over everything I can think of to try and understand why he left and I can’t think of anything, not even if I stack every little negative thing that happened between us together, I can’t imagine everything being big enough to make him cut me out of his life“- there was something big enough- in his mind-  to make him cut you out of his life for the last nine months. If you figure out what it is, and see it as big enough, there will be a basis for a resumed communication with your son.

    We were very close before he left… for different reasons we were much closer than most, as he didn’t have many friends… I’ve never had a big circle of friends… My mother never approved of anyone, or of me for that matter, and cut ties. And my partner of five years left unexpectedly“- he was socially isolated, you were socially isolated, and the two of you were close.. too close for comfort, in his mind?

    I wonder if he felt that you needed his closeness too much, and/ or that you were too much in control of his life?

    We were very close before he left, although he’d become quite involved in a new friendship that took up a lot of his time… I’d had a hard time juggling allowing him to spread his wings and keeping him safe with his new friend… his only friend coming from a troubled family with lots of police involvement“- I understand that you wanted to keep your son safe from a friend who may lead him the wrong way, but I also wonder if in your son’s mind, you were competing with that friend for your son’s attention…?

    Will he ever want to know me again?“- I hope so, starting with you being motivated to get to know him better, particularly, to get to know that which would be distressing for you to consider and accept.

    anita

    #428601
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Thank you for your response. It is food for a lot of thought.

    #428602
    SadSoul
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Today I got a big surprise. He messaged. I’m trying to take it for what it is, that he knows he can, so if he ever needs to he hopefully will. I’m trying not to be too excited because he may not for another year.</p>
     

    Hello mum

    Things are going ok

    I hope things are going good for you

    Happy birthday for xxxxxx

    I love you

    #428605
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    You are welcome. What a delightful surprise, getting this message from him! I understand you not wanting to be too excited about it. Better not respond to him with excitement, so to not scare him away.

    He ended his message with “I love you“. Every boy loves his mother, every girl loves her mother.

    anita

    #428649
    Tommy
    Participant

    From what I have read, there were no harsh words spoken. Just a decision from the son to live with his father? Sounds like a boy looking to grow up. Happy birthday text, it all seems normal. If he has any issues with you then it is in his mind. You have done what you can to be his mother. I would text back that you are happy but missing him. May be even include something new going on in your life. Other than that, there is only waiting for him to want to talk. And as long as you make him feel he safe and can do talk, there will be a chance that he will.

    #428671
    SadSoul
    Participant

    I paraphrased his text, you know, that’s great you’re doing okay, I am too. Thank you and I love you too.

    It’s a huge step for him after requesting to be left alone almost nine months ago. I still sent him a Christmas message though, and two other messages I hope he’s doing good. I think this message is a good sign he isn’t afraid to contact me, that there’s no invisible barrier that estrangement sometimes creates.

    There are other reasons why he left but there’s no point rehashing them, they’re around his father trying to alienate him from me and my son wanting to do things he knew I wouldn’t approve of – illegal things. He’s not happy at his father’s now their relationship isn’t the Disney dad one of the past – it wasn’t exactly Disney dad, but his father, who’s an alcoholic, never ever drank around him and son had no idea. That kind of thing, the things you can hide when you only have your child one night per week.

    I miss him so much but after his message maybe there’s some hope.

    #428673
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sadsoul:

    You wrote: “I think this message is a good sign…  that there’s no invisible barrier that estrangement sometimes creates. There are other reasons why he left… they’re around his father trying to alienate him from me”-

    I want to do a little research on the above topics, which I boldfaced, because it is interesting to me (I am estranged from people in my family), and maybe it will be helpful to you, in some way (I don’t see how it can hurt). Maybe you already read about all of the following:

    Wikipedia/ family estrangement: “Family estrangement is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members, through physical and/or emotional distancing, often to the extent that there is negligible or no communication between the individuals involved for a prolonged period. Estrangement may result from the direct interactions between those affected, including traumatic experiences of domestic violence, abuse, neglect, parental misbehavior such as repetitive explosive outbursts… It may also result from the involvement or interference of a third party. <sup id=”cite_ref-:0_1-0″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-Agllias,_Kylie_2013_2-0″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-Carr,_Holman,_Abetz,_Kellas,_Vagnoni_2015_3-0″ class=”reference”></sup>The estrangement is often unwanted, or considered unsatisfactory, by at least one party involved… Estrangement from one parent caused by another parent is known as parental alienation

    “Although a family estrangement can begin at any stage of life, it often begins during late adolescence or early adulthood… A significant proportion of estrangements involve a third party, <sup id=”cite_ref-:0_1-2″ class=”reference”></sup>such as a member of the extended family or the adult child’s spouse. In some cases, the third party provides emotional support to the individual initiating the estrangement, providing the estranger with an alternative social support system and thus enabling the deepening of the estrangement. In other instances, the third party—either deliberately or not consciously—is actually the sole or primary cause of two family members becoming estranged.

    “The rejected individual, or estrangee, may or may not try a number of strategies to repair the rift. In some cases, taking responsibility and making amends for harsh words or difficult circumstances may improve the relationship. However, if the estrangement is the result of a behavioural pattern (such as a personality disorder) rather than a sequence of unfortunate life events, it is doubtful that the relationship will survive in any meaningful form…

    “Although the rejected party’s psychological and physical health may decline, the estrangement initiator’s may improve due to the cessation of abuse and conflict… Family estrangement activates the grief response because people who have experienced it often see it as a loss they were not prepared for and happened unexpectedly. However, the rejected family member may not achieve the final grief stage of acceptance, given that the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party, together with a perceived or real stigma of having been rejected by a family member, results in isolation and behavioral changes in the rejected party…

    <sup id=”cite_ref-9″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-10″ class=”reference”></sup>”An October 2022 YouGov poll in the United States found that 29% of Americans were estranged…. <sup id=”cite_ref-YouGov_11-1″ class=”reference”></sup>Cultural attitudes influence the frequency of estrangement, with the United States experiencing about twice as many parent-child estrangements compared to Israel, Germany, England and Spain. <sup id=”cite_ref-12″ class=”reference”></sup>The emphasis on the individual over a collective family unit is regarded as contributing to estrangement…<sup id=”cite_ref-:3_14-2″ class=”reference”></sup>

    “Child abuse in the form of emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical abuse was cited by 13.9% of children who initiated estrangement with one or both parents as a reason for estrangement. Furthermore, 2.9% of estranged parents acknowledged their failure to prevent the abuse… Substance and alcohol abuse<sup id=”cite_ref-Carr,_Holman,_Abetz,_Kellas,_Vagnoni_2015_3-3″ class=”reference”></sup>, on the part of either the estranger or the estranged, are common causes of family tension and the resulting separation… Mental illness<sup id=”cite_ref-16″ class=”reference”></sup> on the part of either the estranger or the estranged is also a common cause of family tension and estrangement… Personality disorders, particularly the cluster B personality disorders (antisocial.. borderline.. histrionic.. and narcissistic personality disorder), cause significant interpersonal conflicts. Sufferers typically have volatile relationships and may be both the estranger and the estranged multiple times throughout their lives…

    “Reconciliation and resolution of the conflict are possible in some situations… <sup id=”cite_ref-:1_23-0″ class=”reference”></sup>This may involve setting boundaries collaboratively, for example… parents and their adult children may set boundaries together about how often they want to communicate or what information should be considered private… <sup id=”cite_ref-:3_14-9″ class=”reference”></sup>Triggers for reconciliation include changes in the family situation due to death or divorce, worries about health and death, and developing a clearer perspective about the original situation through the passage of time.”<sup id=”cite_ref-:2_24-2″ class=”reference”></sup>

    Psychology today/ family estrangement: “How to Reconcile: Often a parent feels they were cut off by a child without fully understanding the cause of the conflict. While communication is key in resolving discord, it’s hard when your child has blocked all your calls and disappeared into oblivion. On average, estrangements do not last forever. If you are hoping to end estrangement, don’t pile anger on anger. This is unproductive. Keep your emotions in check. * Reach out to your child, let them know you are there to support them * A handwritten letter or brief voicemail is best * If communication opens, listen without defending yourself * Don’t beg or plead * Listen with compassion * Acknowledge your contribution to the problem, apologize * If you are cut off by your child, seek therapy and support”.

    new york  times/ family estrangement (Sept 2020): “Family estrangement — a topic once so distressing and shameful that people hesitated to discuss it — is drawing more attention as some tell their stories and researchers delve into its causes and consequences. Karl Pillemer, a family sociologist at Cornell University, has just published ‘Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them,” a book that provides something rare in this realm — actual data… This phenomenon of cutting off or being cut off from a family member is strikingly common in America.. (Interviewer): Can you explain what you call pathways, the most common reasons or explanations for estrangement? (answer): “One is difficult childhood histories: Abusive parenting, harsh parenting, memories of parental favoritism… Second, divorce, no matter when it appears in the life cycle… Finally, lifestyle and value discrepancies, especially in parent and child relationships. A kid coming out as gay or lesbian. A religious conversion. Different politics…

    (Interviewer): “I know some readers will respond that they feel fully justified in cutting off contact. And that anyone urging them to reconcile — or simply telling them how to reconcile — doesn’t accept their view that they did the right thing” (Answer): “I’m not recommending that individuals reconcile. But for the vast majority who do, it turned out to be a positive, sometimes even life-changing experience. They found it to be a major life accomplishment… I would say to the people who feel that it was the best thing they ever did and they feel liberated as a result: More power to you. But for most people in estrangement, that’s not their experience. They feel there’s something missing from their lives.”

    abc. net. au/ why do family estrangement happen: “Tamara Cavenett, the president of the Australian Psychological Society and a psychologist with an interest in family conflict, says one type of family estrangement is more common than others. Most commonly, it’s an adult child choosing to become estranged from a parent… She says there’s usually a big difference ‘in how both people see what might have caused it.’ ‘The reasons that the adult child would give … are often that it’s a clash of values, or abuse in the childhood, or feelings of being disrespected and unsupported [over time],’ she says. ‘When you sit down with the parent, it’s most likely to be blamed on a recent event, or a divorce, or their child’s spouse, or what they perceive as their child’s entitlement. So you’re getting two very different views of what’s happening.’…

    “For Ms Cavenett, repairing an estrangement is all about redefining what the relationship is. She says, with the right professional help, ‘you can have [the person] return to your life in a redefined way’ and ‘it doesn’t necessarily have to be the way it was, or all or nothing.’ ‘It may be that you just need to put new boundaries in place.. That can often mean that you hit a new ground of friendship as opposed to a parent-child relationship,’ she says.”

    Wikipedia/ parental alienation: “Parental alienation is a theorized process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent. <sup id=”cite_ref-jaffe_1-0″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-kruk_2-0″ class=”reference”></sup>The child’s estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect or hostility toward the distant parent…  The child’s estrangement is disproportionate to any acts or conduct attributable to the alienated parent.<sup id=”cite_ref-ellis_5-0″ class=”reference”></sup> Parental alienation can occur in any family unit, but is claimed to occur most often within the context of family separation, particularly when legal proceedings are involved…  it is primarily motivated by one parent’s desire to exclude the other parent from their child’s life… <sup id=”cite_ref-lowenstein_8-0″ class=”reference”></sup> Parental alienation describes the breakdown of the relationship between a child and one of the child’s parents, when there is no valid justification for that breakdown. When parental alienation is found to exist between a parent and child, the alienation is attributed to inappropriate actions and behavior by the other parent. <sup id=”cite_ref-mercer_19-2″ class=”reference”></sup>Parental alienation falls within the spectrum of family estrangement“.

    Is there anything new to you in the above quotes, Sadsoul?

    anita

    #428674
    anita
    Participant

    Re-submitted:

    Dear Sadsoul:

    You wrote: “I think this message is a good sign…  that there’s no invisible barrier that estrangement sometimes creates. There are other reasons why he left… they’re around his father trying to alienate him from me”-

    I want to do a little research on the above topics, which I boldfaced, because it is interesting to me (I am estranged from people in my family), and maybe it will be helpful to you, in some way (I don’t see how it can hurt). Maybe you already read about all of the following:

    Wikipedia/ family estrangement: “Family estrangement is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members, through physical and/or emotional distancing, often to the extent that there is negligible or no communication between the individuals involved for a prolonged period. Estrangement may result from the direct interactions between those affected, including traumatic experiences of domestic violence, abuse, neglect, parental misbehavior such as repetitive explosive outbursts… It may also result from the involvement or interference of a third party.

    “The estrangement is often unwanted, or considered unsatisfactory, by at least one party involved… Estrangement from one parent caused by another parent is known as parental alienation

    “Although a family estrangement can begin at any stage of life, it often begins during late adolescence or early adulthood… A significant proportion of estrangements involve a third party, such as a member of the extended family or the adult child’s spouse. In some cases, the third party provides emotional support to the individual initiating the estrangement, providing the estranger with an alternative social support system and thus enabling the deepening of the estrangement. In other instances, the third party—either deliberately or not consciously—is actually the sole or primary cause of two family members becoming estranged.

    “The rejected individual, or estrangee, may or may not try a number of strategies to repair the rift. In some cases, taking responsibility and making amends for harsh words or difficult circumstances may improve the relationship. However, if the estrangement is the result of a behavioural pattern (such as a personality disorder) rather than a sequence of unfortunate life events, it is doubtful that the relationship will survive in any meaningful form…

    “Although the rejected party’s psychological and physical health may decline, the estrangement initiator’s may improve due to the cessation of abuse and conflict… Family estrangement activates the grief response because people who have experienced it often see it as a loss they were not prepared for and happened unexpectedly. However, the rejected family member may not achieve the final grief stage of acceptance, given that the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party, together with a perceived or real stigma of having been rejected by a family member, results in isolation and behavioral changes in the rejected party…

    ”An October 2022 YouGov poll in the United States found that 29% of Americans were estranged…. Cultural attitudes influence the frequency of estrangement, with the United States experiencing about twice as many parent-child estrangements compared to Israel, Germany, England and Spain. The emphasis on the individual over a collective family unit is regarded as contributing to estrangement…

    “Child abuse in the form of emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical abuse was cited by 13.9% of children who initiated estrangement with one or both parents as a reason for estrangement. Furthermore, 2.9% of estranged parents acknowledged their failure to prevent the abuse… Substance and alcohol abuse on the part of either the estranger or the estranged, are common causes of family tension and the resulting separation… Mental illness on the part of either the estranger or the estranged is also a common cause of family tension and estrangement… Personality disorders, particularly the cluster B personality disorders (antisocial.. borderline.. histrionic.. and narcissistic personality disorder), cause significant interpersonal conflicts. Sufferers typically have volatile relationships and may be both the estranger and the estranged multiple times throughout their lives…

    “Reconciliation and resolution of the conflict are possible in some situations… This may involve setting boundaries collaboratively, for example… parents and their adult children may set boundaries together about how often they want to communicate or what information should be considered private… Triggers for reconciliation include changes in the family situation due to death or divorce, worries about health and death, and developing a clearer perspective about the original situation through the passage of time.”

    Psychology today/ family estrangement: “How to Reconcile: Often a parent feels they were cut off by a child without fully understanding the cause of the conflict. While communication is key in resolving discord, it’s hard when your child has blocked all your calls and disappeared into oblivion. On average, estrangements do not last forever. If you are hoping to end estrangement, don’t pile anger on anger. This is unproductive. Keep your emotions in check. * Reach out to your child, let them know you are there to support them * A handwritten letter or brief voicemail is best * If communication opens, listen without defending yourself * Don’t beg or plead * Listen with compassion * Acknowledge your contribution to the problem, apologize * If you are cut off by your child, seek therapy and support”.

    new york  times/ family estrangement (Sept 2020): “Family estrangement — a topic once so distressing and shameful that people hesitated to discuss it — is drawing more attention as some tell their stories and researchers delve into its causes and consequences. Karl Pillemer, a family sociologist at Cornell University, has just published ‘Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them,” a book that provides something rare in this realm — actual data… This phenomenon of cutting off or being cut off from a family member is strikingly common in America.. (Interviewer): Can you explain what you call pathways, the most common reasons or explanations for estrangement? (answer): “One is difficult childhood histories: Abusive parenting, harsh parenting, memories of parental favoritism… Second, divorce, no matter when it appears in the life cycle… Finally, lifestyle and value discrepancies, especially in parent and child relationships. A kid coming out as gay or lesbian. A religious conversion. Different politics…

    (Interviewer): “I know some readers will respond that they feel fully justified in cutting off contact. And that anyone urging them to reconcile — or simply telling them how to reconcile — doesn’t accept their view that they did the right thing” (Answer): “I’m not recommending that individuals reconcile. But for the vast majority who do, it turned out to be a positive, sometimes even life-changing experience. They found it to be a major life accomplishment… I would say to the people who feel that it was the best thing they ever did and they feel liberated as a result: More power to you. But for most people in estrangement, that’s not their experience. They feel there’s something missing from their lives.”

    abc. net. au/ why do family estrangement happen: “Tamara Cavenett, the president of the Australian Psychological Society and a psychologist with an interest in family conflict, says one type of family estrangement is more common than others. Most commonly, it’s an adult child choosing to become estranged from a parent… She says there’s usually a big difference ‘in how both people see what might have caused it.’ ‘The reasons that the adult child would give … are often that it’s a clash of values, or abuse in the childhood, or feelings of being disrespected and unsupported [over time],’ she says. ‘When you sit down with the parent, it’s most likely to be blamed on a recent event, or a divorce, or their child’s spouse, or what they perceive as their child’s entitlement. So you’re getting two very different views of what’s happening.’…

    “For Ms Cavenett, repairing an estrangement is all about redefining what the relationship is. She says, with the right professional help, ‘you can have [the person] return to your life in a redefined way’ and ‘it doesn’t necessarily have to be the way it was, or all or nothing.’ ‘It may be that you just need to put new boundaries in place.. That can often mean that you hit a new ground of friendship as opposed to a parent-child relationship,’ she says.”

    Wikipedia/ parental alienation: “Parental alienation is a theorized process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent. The child’s estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect or hostility toward the distant parent…  The child’s estrangement is disproportionate to any acts or conduct attributable to the alienated parent. Parental alienation can occur in any family unit, but is claimed to occur most often within the context of family separation, particularly when legal proceedings are involved…  it is primarily motivated by one parent’s desire to exclude the other parent from their child’s life… Parental alienation describes the breakdown of the relationship between a child and one of the child’s parents, when there is no valid justification for that breakdown. When parental alienation is found to exist between a parent and child, the alienation is attributed to inappropriate actions and behavior by the other parent. Parental alienation falls within the spectrum of family estrangement“.

    Is there anything new to you in the above quotes, Sadsoul?

    anita

    #428706
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Anita, I am aware of much of what you’ve posted.

    #428708
    anita
    Participant

    Thank you, Sadsoul, for letting me know that you are aware of what I posted.

    anita

    #428709
    SadSoul
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I just came across something so I’ll write it down</p>

    Are you worried about your child drinking? What are your kids doing now?

    Be a good example. Care enough to say no to underage drinking

    Know where your child is and who they’re with

    Know if other parents have given them alcohol

    Knowing or speaking to host parents to confirm sleepover arrangements

    Safely first. Never leave anyone to walk home alone

    Exercise parental awareness

    I’m posting this because one of your comments above suggested I consider whether I was too involved in his life. I was as involved in the way that I requested to know where he was, and he happily texted me updates throughout his days, often asking for a ride here or there which I could often offer during my lunch break.

    I was involved in the way that I said he could have sleepovers after I met the parents – this was sleepovers at the boy’s house who said the police had attended three times in two weeks. The boy who, it turned out, lied about that and many other things. But I didn’t know that at the time so my involvement was that of a responsible parent.

    It was hard for me not to be upset at some of the suggestions you put forward. Yes, we had some isolation in our life due to things that happened. One of the things happened to my son and he created a bubble around us while he healed. I haven’t gone into all the details on a public forum, but our closeness wasn’t born out of my needs. I did my best to accommodate every one of my children’s needs, and I was meeting this son’s needs with everything I possibly could. I wasn’t too close, or too controlling, I watched and listened to him and loved him with my words and actions. The fact that we were so very close a month or so prior to him leaving reflects this.

    I’m telling you this because, as helpful as you’re trying to be, it’s just hurt me. I have considered your thoughts and research, and that perhaps you’re not much of a wordsmith, which is why I’m coming back to let you know that there are other ways you could say things. Ways that don’t make someone who’s already really hurt feel even more worthless.

    I am aware of many reasons kids ghost their parents. In my day generally when kids ran off from home their friend’s parents calmed them down and took them home. We didn’t have the option to leave home unless we did it really tough. This generation have options, the government gives them to them, as do non custodial parents. This generation live their lives through the internet, getting advice and support from people who don’t know them, don’t know their circumstances, and encourage ghosting and other really big actions. Have you seen how young people interact? It’s vicious and awful. It’s a whole new way of life. It’s a totally different world where people discard each so much easily than ever before.

    Could it be possible I wasn’t the baddie in this? I’ve wanted so much to defend myself but I don’t want to say all of the personal details that my son was up to in his life or mine. Instead I’m going to say that I thought a lot about where you were coming from and that your intentions are well meant even though they hurt me a great deal.

    #428710
    SadSoul
    Participant

    I have come back to say I am sorry if what I’ve said hurts you. That has played on my mind since posting. I have reminded myself many times that you can’t know my situation intimately, and that me saying every last detail online isn’t safe for my family. I had tried explaining things further but the written word becomes complicated very quickly and that I don’t feel safe describing my family to strangers who may also know us. We were very close, we had a lovely relationship, then it suddenly soured and he left. He had texted me a couple of days after leaving that he was worried his father thought he was there for good. There are so many details I can’t include them all. I appreciate you thinking of me even though some of the ideas hurt me. I’ve asked myself if it’s because the truth hurts, because I wouldn’t be honest with myself if I didn’t consider all angles. I asked myself these questions long before I joined this forum. Anyway, I’m sorry if what I posted above hurts you.

    #428711
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sadsoul:

    Thank you for posting again and explaining your thoughts and feelings about my March 11 post. I am very sorry that you felt hurt and worthless when and after reading it!

    I have considered your thoughts and research, and that perhaps you’re not much of a wordsmith, which is why I’m coming back to let you know that there are other ways you could say things. Ways that don’t make someone who’s already really hurt feel even more worthless“- if you are willing (if it wouldn’t upset you), can you let me know another way that I could have brought up the ideas/ questions in the March 11 post, a way that would not have made you feel hurt and worthless?

    Or is it that you think I shouldn’t have brought up what I did? In that case, what kind of a reply would’ve helped you?

    It might very much help me, if you do, and I’ll appreciate it.

    Have you seen how young people interact? It’s vicious and awful. It’s a whole new way of life“- are you referring to cyberbullying and such?

    Could it be possible I wasn’t the baddie in this?…I’m sorry if what I posted above hurts you“- I appreciate you caring about my feelings, caring enough to submit a 2nd post expressing a concern that my feelings are hurt. This is not what a bad person/ a.. baddie would do.

    Yes, my feelings were hurt somewhat. I felt some of my own worthlessness feelings of the past, but then, I got over them and felt empathy for you, as well as appreciation that hurt and disappointed, you didn’t just disappear, but had the courage to post again and explain, and in so doing, giving me an opportunity to learn and submit better replies in the future.

    anita

    #428725
    SadSoul
    Participant

    … too close for comfort, in his mind?

    I wonder if he felt that you needed his closeness too much, and/ or that you were too much in control of his life?

    This was one of the things, which you couldn’t know who instigated the closeness, kept it going, or whether I had too much control of his life. I had, and again, reconsidered these things when reading your post. I honestly can’t give you the words that would have been easier to read, perhaps it’s simply that there’s too much without knowing someone’s situation, on top of they’re in despair. Perhaps a few less cold hard facts?

    I had said we were very close… That he had a new friend with mental health issues who I struggled with letting him spread his wings with… That I’d assumed he was starting his journey into manhood.

    Those sorts of things could be clues that we were close, that I understood his need to separate to become a man, and was struggling the new friend who had some problems – in the new friend’s defence, I didn’t know how deeply they went at the time. All I knew was that this friend was a lovely kid in spite of what I believed was his very difficult family life. It turned out the new friend is extremely mentally unwell.

    I appreciate your very honest and analytical way of speaking. To hear cold hard truths is needed at some point in one’s journey. It’s very difficult to know what the cold hard truths might be on an online forum with limited information. I imagine most people are reaching out for hope, and perhaps after they’ve found some, they are more able to deal with black and white advice where they may have gone wrong.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 100 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.