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Tommy

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 180 total)
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  • #434016
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Helcat,

    I am not angry at him or for his wife. Being self centered, I only thought how useless I am cause I could not be compassionate. That I have no wisdom in this matter. But, when one comes upon a person who is hungry but you know the person has stolen before, do you feed the person or not. So being a thief should not prevent one from feeding the hungry. The sun shines on all the people not the select few. Compassion should be given to those who need it.

    So, again, I do need to work on myself. Need to clean up mu thoughts. Not to let one’s sense of reason and feelings of righteousness controls one’s actions or words. He was here for a few kind words. Much like that girl who keeps posting about her ex living next door and feeling like her ex cheated and lied to her. She just wanted to hear a kind word. I was stupid and just told her to stop and move on otherwise she will not move on and live a better life. It should not matter what I want.

    #434015
    Tommy
    Participant

    Tommy – for the last 9 days I have been dying of guilt. I am not a person with these values, I have never lied or cheated ever.

    Dear Abde,

    I am sorry I could not find a kind word for you in your time of pain and looking for closure. If a man comes to me looking for some food then I should ne kind enough to give some food to the man. It doesn’t matter if the man was a cheat or liar even when they say they have never lied or cheated ever. (When your own words in your first post betray your actions!) The sun shines on everyone. Everyone will have pain. And so, I should have been kind. I am sorry. Please feel better and hope you can move forward.

    I have spent the past month in meditation. Having spent much time with reflections and insights into myself. I think this is very good for people to go thru this kind of experience. When the revelation that we are really so insignificant in the universe comes upon us, we can realize that our lives are such a short piece of life as a whole. That to remain stuck in a mode or feeling that is wasteful of the time we have left in this world. Move forward. Namaste.

    #433982
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Helcat

    It looks like I have done it again. Opened my big mouth about some guy’s “On line Dating Gone Wrong”. I thought I had worked on my self centeredness. Become more open to others. But, this guy was to work with his priest and wife on their marriage. But, disappointed with having to wait for the divorce, he strikes out on a dating app. Meets someone and lies to her. Hurts her. And he can only think about himself. Where is my sympathy? Where is my compassion? Where is the wisdom? I may have to leave again to work on myself. Try harder to be a better person like you and Anita.

    Tommy

    #433981
    Tommy
    Participant

    Well, being dishonest and self centered did get you into this situation. Lying and manipulation ended hurting someone and you only think about how you feel and how you hurt. Only men have a way of compartmentalizing parts of their lives to suit the way they feel at the moment.

    For example, a man cheats on his wife with another woman. Then goes to his wife to confess. Does the confession make his wife feel better? No, it only makes him feel better. Then the excuses comes. “She didn’t mean anything”. Well, if she didn’t mean anything then why did you throw away the marriage for her? Where are the values placed?

    So, instead of working with your wife and priest to work on your marriage, you strike out on a dating app and meet another woman. Lie about your marriage. Fool her. And then, you don’t know why this relationship went this way? Seriously, you knew what you were doing. Knew it was wrong. But did it anyway.

    As a man, living inside a marriage. I know how tough it can be to live as last in line. Putting my wife and child first. Being happy or not isn’t the reason to stay or go. It is about being the man. Living up to my responsibilities, duties. If you are not happy in your marriage then change. If you change then your marriage will change. If you need to do the divorce then do it.

    I am sorry that I have no sympathy for you. You are suffering due to your own actions and your own choices. Looks like I have lost my compassion. I can not give you a kind word. Seems I will have to spend more time working on myself. To find a way to open my heart to people who cheat and lie.

    #433884
    Tommy
    Participant

    What is Buddhism? One can learn more about Buddhism in library books. And then one can learn about the heart of Buddhism from a good teacher. And live a life of Buddhism with regular meetings of a sangha. But, to start, reading a few books will help.

    What have I learned? Buddhism is something you can take in small doses or large ones. It is up to you. Buddhism presents its teachings and it becomes your wish whether to follow or dismiss it. There is no push. Most start off with the four noble truths. Life is suffering. The truth of the cause of suffering. The truth to the end of suffering. The path that leads to the end of suffering. It may explain it but it is up to you to see if there is truth in those words. And when you do learn the truth, you will believe and seek enlightenment. The most common path is thru meditation. Meditation does not guarantee enlightenment. But, there is a guarantee that there is no enlightenment without it. Mindfulness is an extension of meditation in the active waking world. Some will meditate for stress relief or some other form of benefit. Concentration, relaxation, insight etc. Later, one learns of the three jewels. Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha. Then the three truths of Buddhism. Dukkha, Anicca, and Anatta. I wish you well on your journey.

    #433875
    Tommy
    Participant

    Just voicing my opinion, …

    I think it selfish to say that the person one is with is not the way you want her to be. Of course there is nothing wrong in wanting thing the way you want them to be. Just that it is selfish. Whenever I got involved with a girl, there was physical attraction. But, there was a little more to it. And even if the person isn’t exactly physically the way you want them to be, The love and enjoyment of being together should be enough. If it isn’t then you should not be with that person. You will only being wanting something else. That won’t be good for you or her.

    Next is that physical attraction is not the only thing you want. Being a man you want a woman who will be there for you. Help you in your efforts. Be a partner to your life. Loyalty. Trust worthy. Compassionate. Loving. Supportive. That doesn’t always comes in a seductive package. And these qualities are much more important to me.

    #433869
    Tommy
    Participant

    I had a friend who was always out cheating on his girlfriend. They lived together and would have many arguments. It was only after they had kids that he settled down a bit. They started to get along better. I am not saying that having kids will make one’s married life better. However, one does tend to do more towards having a stable home for the children.

    Male perspective? I use that as an excuse for saying things which make no sense at all to women. Sometimes it makes no sense to me too. It certainly makes no sense to my wife. Not to complain too much about her, she asks me why am I so crazy. I have learned to take time and take breaths before answering. Sometimes I think I enjoy meditating so much because it is a time when no one is commanding me to do things. It is peaceful and I am not trying to do anything special.

    I love the title. “Working On Stuff”. I know that everything I go thru is to let me learn something. To grow. Sometimes, I think that I am an awful person. Have many regrets. And other times, I believe that I am not so bad as others. But, we can not compare ourselves to others. They have their way or path. And I have mine. Buddha might have mentioned somethings about birth, death and rebirth. Rebirth, I would be given another chance to do things right or screw things up again. Who doesn’t want a second chance? So, not so much in a hurry to become Buddha like.

    I think about the cycle of life. My grandfather had my father and my father had me. I have my daughter. Grandfather passed, my father passed and soon my time will come. What ever mattered to me will be lost when this body passes away. All the memories, love, joy, values, and everything. May happen sooner due to dementia. The next generation builds their own life and the cycle continues.

    Sorry for my rant. Too long please don’t read. Have a good life or at least try to be happy. In the end it is all we have and all we can leave behind for those we love.

    #433845
    Tommy
    Participant

    Seems she just wanted to be able to let out her feelings and maybe get a little sympathy? Advice?

    What brought you two together in the first place? I would say to spend at least 20 to 30 minutes sitting on his lap with arms around each other and talk. No running away, talk. Let him know how you feel. Personally, I understand how it feels to be the responsible one. The one who does all the work in keeping the house clean and everyone fed. Know how it feels when just do their own thing and take advantage of you with out a kind word. Keeping these feelings in .. will build into resentment and a desire to leave. Pretty sure his has his issues too. Unless both people want this to work out right, talking will not accomplish what you need. Wish you good luck.

    #433836
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think everyone can see that you helped Birdsong747 realized more clearly his situation. It is one thing to bring home a white girl home to Chinese parents. It is quite another to face years of being a care giver. I do wish them love and hope for a better outcome.

    Whatever they decide to do, I hope it turns out better for them.

     

    Dear Birdsong747,

    Be brave. Be understanding. Be true to yourself. Wish you all the best.

    Tommy

    #433835
    Tommy
    Participant

    They do not sell Blue Stuff in stores. Only on line. If you search on line the look for Bluespring Blue Stuff emu therapy. Best wishes.

    #433779
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Helcat,

    That is the name “BLUE STUFF”. unfortunately it uses EMU oil from the animal. I do not know how much of a Buddhist you are? If you eat meat or not? Actually Blue Stuff set off the other products that use Emu oil for pain relief. It is a topical cream. Their original formula was the best. Anyway, now a days I use Aleve or Tylenol for the pain. Doesn’t seem to do to much. But the pain level is much lower now. Trying to stay active helps. Hope you are feeling better.

    #433756
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Renn,

    From the male perspective, money is a thing which needs to be kept in mind. For it is the responsibility of the man to provide and care for the family. Can’t do that without the help of money. So, it becomes a little more important to him than it is to you. So, different values, especially if he comes from a family with some money. The one thing no one teaches us about money. When taking out a loan or using credit cards, the money should be used to buy assets. Things that pay for itself and the loan. Don’t worry if it is returning spendable income. It’s value will grow. Just make sure it pays for itself.

    As for the jealousy, women are so much prettier. And men value women on a different scale. It becomes easy to see women cheat. Statistically, women initiate divorce about 80% of the time. And most women say that they were done with the marriage months before it actually ended. Men have no notion of this until the divorce papers are handed to them. Marriage? Yeah, a little ahead of myself.

    Jealousy is the fear the man is not good enough for the woman that the woman will leave them. It doesn’t make it right. Just the way some men are. They do not feel worthy enough. So there is fear the woman will leave him. It is ingrained in the way family was raised. I personally do not have this cause I grew up in a family that had no secrets nor any cheating. Can this be changed? The more beautiful you are .. the harder it is to convince him there is no chance of it. Cause other men will hit on you. And, then the possibility of you cheating,…. Stupid? Yes, men are stupid. Emotionally stunted.

    It isn’t so much about love as it is about communication. If it is easy to talk and get through to each other then the better the relationship will be. If you can’t talk then feelings of love won’t make the relationship good. It only hides the turmoil that is about to come. To answer the question if you are compatible with your boyfriend, you will find many men are similar to your boyfriend. The chances that he will change is slim to none. Jealousy doesn’t just disappear. And you do not know how to handle that. You do not seem to know how to teach him that jealousy is hurting you cause you feel he does not trust you. And a relationship without trust can not survive. I wish you well and good luck in the future. No matter what you decide to do, I hope it works out for the best.

    Tommy

    #433755
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for the quick note and welcome. I don’t want to hijack this thread from Birdsong747. But, I can see that you are still here helping those who need help Or a few words of encouragement. That is wonderful of you. Birdsong has a rough few days ahead of him. But, he seems to know what is ahead and how to manage it. Personally, I wasn’t as strong. And I have my regrets. But years, decades have passed. Life moves on. Hope you  and yours are well.

    Tommy

    #433754
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Helcat,

    Thanks for the welcome. Sorry to hear about your … no, I am happy to hear of the birth of a new baby. It has taken a lot out of you. Hope you will be back to normal soon. I read your thread on chronic pain. Yes, there are good days and bad days. Personally, I have had back pain since I was around 40. Appear quite sudden while I was running after my daughter, trying to spoon feed her. I bent down a little and my back went into pure pain. I could not move. Fell over and grabbed my daughter to prevent her from getting into anything. She didn’t like that but I had to be sure she would not get into anything that might hurt her. After about an hour or so, the pain subsided s little. Enough for me to get back on my feet. Ever since, back pain. I found this “BLUE STUFF” that claim to reduce the pain. Well, I tried it and was so surprised the pain went away. It is relatively expensive. But, when one is hurting, anything.  What was nice was that it did not affect my consciousness. I could drive a car. Take care of the baby. Now a days, I wake up with pain in the back and right hand (injury at work). Work out the stiffness and off to do stuff during the day. Retired and collecting SS retirement benefits (barely). Luckily, the wife is still working. She is also a gardener. Grows vegetables during summer and we save money on that.

    Oh, back to, … It is fantastic that you can see it in yourself to help others while you are in such a way. My wife hates pointing out the obvious especially if the news is not good. She only wants to hear happy stuff. Anyway, you are inspiring. Thanks. I hope everything is getting better. A baby changes everything. Sleep routine, concerns for the future, what needs have to looked after. We use to live in NYC. The schools are okay there but we weren’t really receiving the attention my daughter needed. So, we moved to Albany for better schools. It turned out to be a good decision for my daughter but not so much financially. But, we do what we think is necessary. I hope you and yours will have a bright future.

     

    #433725
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Helcat,

    Thanks for the welcome. I have spent much time in meditation. So much that I lost track of time. And there were times I don’t know if I was meditating or sleeping in an upright position. Usually a slumping head is a good indicator of needing sleep. What have I learned? Not to be so self centered as I was before. Still don’t think there was any improvement.

    Asian parents are tough and very stern. Most do not spare the rod when it comes to straightening out the children. I remember when my older brother did not want to go to school. My mother took a broom stick and beat him while he was in bed. So, I do understand where Birdsong747 is coming from. I have gone thru that and have caved. Looking back, it wasn’t a bad decision to listen to my parents. But, things would have been a world of different.

    Anyway, when you find love, you should make everyday a day to enjoy each other’s company. Spend lots of time kissing and talking about nothing at all. Remember that with the good, there will be times to strengthen your resolve. Go to your family gatherings with anticipation that things can only get better. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t think of what could have been. Regret is a sad song playing on the radio. You hear it. You feel it and nothing gets better. It is only when you let go of the thoughts of what could have been that things improve.

    I am sorry to hear about your struggles with having a baby. I certainly hope you are feeling better and able to be your good self. I know your advice is very helpful. I will see you around the forum.

    Tommy

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 180 total)