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  • #432708
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul (a poem):

    Sad Soul, Mortal Soul, Beautiful Sad Soul,

    Funny Soul, Sad Soul, a poet, yet you don’t know it,

    Sad Soul waking up early in the morning, as early as the Sparrows,

    Brekkie with Sad Soul and Sparrows,

    Funny, Sad, happy Soul;

    I am running out of S’s, Sad’s, Soul’s. Sparrows,

    Sad Soul, Beautiful Soul, Special, Super Special Soul;

    My mother-monster would have found so many “proofs” in this poem, so far, to condemn me as a bad, bad person, Always Bad,

    Nothing exiting me was anything but Bad, in her judgment,

    I want to be good, SadSoul, so desperate to be good, to be good (tears in my eyes),

    Always wanted to be good, a good person, Why did she INSIST that I was bad?

    Why did she condemn me to be bad?

    I don’t want to be bad..! Don’t want to be bad;

    Sad Soul, Beautiful Soul, you cared enough to try,

    Special Soul, Sad Soul, Early up with Sparrows,

    Tell me I am good, this is all I ever wanted to be, to be  good.

    anita

     

    #432712
    SadSoul
    Participant

    thank you. Sparrows are going to be part of my next poem to you.

    I’m very bad at poems. Also, you’re the only person who’s ever written them for me 🌷☺️

    ou write so well.. You are a poet and you don’t know it. Thank you. No one ever said anything like this to me.

    You’re welcome although I’m not 100% sure why 😂

    avoid the d*** whenever possible. It’s when you can’t, or they keep coming back to haunt you, that you (I) have to speak up, and I will..!!!!!

    I look forward to the update – also, I don’t think any points are earned for dramatic performances, the most valuable things are said quietly and thoughtfully. I’m going through my repotoire of people who have the confidence to speak up, and the loud ones literally mean zero to me and anyone else the are loud at. It’s the quiet thoughtful messages that mean something. Even when they don’t mean something to the person intended, they mean something to the others standing by. So don’t feel under pressure to speak in any particular way, few words said quietly if you can manage it, or if they come out loud and emotional that’s good too, if they don’t come out at all then at least you thought them. And you are starting to actualise taking care of you by thinking about these things, planning them, and recognising that person is unhealthy for you.

    It’s like a person stabbing another and then complaining that their victim is bleeding.

    This is an excellent analogy!

    “…Actually, both sides of me are gutless!”funny, funny SadSoul.

    I’m not joking 😂 I’m definitely the one that wins every confrontation by a country mile.

    if you are interviewing for the position of my SUPER, the interview is progressing well.

    Unfortunately words often desert me but on the odd occasion they come with the greatest of ease 😂

    I am looking forward to your thoughts on the matter some time later, Your typos are scused, good reading from you this late afternoon (here), Good night (I assume it’s there).

    I think I kinda covered it above. I’m starting to think that verbalising isn’t the only solution. Protecting one’s self is an action, which can involve words that confront a situation, but mostly it involves keeping one’s self out of harm’s way. I mean, you didn’t get to tell the coyote it was behaving disrespectfully, safety was gained through actions, so maybe it’s not always essential to tell people. Unless the person is in your life a lot, and you can’t avoid them, and you can’t find a way to put their stupidity out of your personal bubble, then you have to speak!

    I love your poem. You are good, don’t have a broken heart anymore, that woman wasn’t a mother, she was a monster. You didn’t get from her what you deserved, and although I’m not a perfect mother, I have tried my damndest to do better and to understand what children need. They need love, respect, food, clothing, a roof over their head. You deserved these things. I wish I could scoop little Anita up and whisk her away. Give her the calm acceptance, the acknowledgement and support, and the love and praise she deserved. You are not bad, try so very hard to accept that is your egg donour’s opinion but it is not the truth. It’s her projecting herself onto you so she doesn’t have to look at herself.

    #432745
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul: Thank you! I will get back to you Fri morning. Have a good, restful night, SadSoul!

    anita

    #432785
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    I don’t think any points are earned for dramatic performances, the most valuable things are said quietly and thoughtfully.. few words said quietly“- excellent point, a wise point, thank you for it!

    “Unfortunately words often desert me but on the odd occasion they come with the greatest of ease“- I hope that both of us talk with greater and greater ease.

    Mostly it involves keeping one’s self out of harm’s way… it’s not always essential to tell people. Unless the person is in your life a lot, and you can’t avoid them, and you can’t find a way to put their stupidity out of your personal bubble, then you have to speak!“- another excellent point, Wise Soul!

    I love your poem. You are good, don’t have a broken heart anymore, that woman wasn’t a mother, she was a monster… children need… love, respect, food, clothing, a roof over their head“- I like the order in your list of a child’s needs: first, love and respect.

    I wish I could scoop little Anita up and whisk her away. Give her the calm acceptance, the acknowledgement and support, and the love and praise she deserved…“- scooped and whisked away, I would have been tic-less, and so much of my life wouldn’t have been wasted in anxiety, depression, despair, and the feeling of having no say, no power whatsoever, over what happens to me by outside forces, all more powerful than me.

    I can .. smell my progress in taking on power, ethically, in real-life situations such as the recent one. Not yet there, but I can see there from here.

    I hope that you are feeling okay this Friday/ weekend.

    anita

    #432819
    SadSoul
    Participant

    I read your anxiety topic post just now. I wish I had words I could say to help with your healing. Just know I’m reading, I’m listening, and you’re doing great. Even if it feels the opposite you are getting it out, finding the words, and feeling the confused emotions that go with them. You’re doing so good.

    I went on my dangerous sporting outing and things went badly. I didn’t get hurt but there was much potential for that to happen. When it goes badly it turns on all my fears and insecurities, I go to ground zero scared failed unloved useless guilty little girl. I should focus on that I handled it well enough not to get hurt, but I don’t, I go to the deepest place of failure and devastation.

    It is good in writing this. I think I’m finally starting to be able to recognise my devastated feeling is a lot to do with baggage, not just the situation I’m immediately facing.

    I keep doing my dangerous sport because it forces me to face the things inside me. It forces me to be in control, a thing I’m really bad at, lack the courage and the energy to be. It forces me to find a place of confidence, be proactive, know my mind instantly instead of being indecisive because I’m afraid of so many things. I have to embrace a lot of confrontation with it, and if I don’t, things happen like this. Hmmm. I’m not trying to be enigmatic, it’s just that this is what it does for me, and mostly I rise to the occasion. When I don’t I get a swift reminder that I need to be confident and strong.

    #432822
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    I wish I had words I could say to help with your healing. Just know I’m reading, I’m listening, and you’re doing great. Even if it feels the opposite, you are getting it out, finding the words, and feeling the confused emotions that go with them. You’re doing so good“- you have the words, right here, all boldfaced. Thank you.

    “I wish I had the words to help.. I’m listeningYou’re doing so good“- to have had a mother who didn’t harm me, but one who offered to help me, a mother who was listening to me, a mother who told me that I was doing so good.. where would I be now..? Who would I be now?

    Healing is about becoming- as I approach the ending of my life-  who I would have been at the beginning, if I received help instead of harm. The waste of decades of life is tragic, but far from being unique to me. It’s everywhere, every day, for many millions of people, to one extent or another. It is the rule, not the exception to the rule.

    I went on my dangerous sporting outing and things went badly. I didn’t get hurt but there was much potential for that to happen. When it goes badly… I go to the deepest place of failure and devastation… I keep doing my dangerous sport because it forces me… to be in control.. (to have) the courage and the energy to be… to find a place of confidence, be proactive, know my mind instantly instead of being indecisive.. I rise to the occasion… confident and strong.“- of course, I am glad you didn’t get hurt (as I run different scenarios in my mind of what this dangerous sport is about).

    What I understand you saying in this paragraph is that it is and has been difficult for you (outside your dangerous sporting outings), to feel and be (in alphabetic order): confident, courageous, decisive, energetic, in control, proactive, and strong. As I meditated on these adjectives for a moment, I felt a mental thirst for these, wanting these for myself, every day, as a way of living.

    Exactly 2 months ago, March 19, you wrote about the younger generations: “we don’t go hunting and slaying any more… It looks a bit like their rights of passage into adulthood are more emotional than physical“- three thoughts occurred to me: your extreme sport being your version of hunting and slaying, your extreme sport being your personal rite of passage (“rites of passage are ceremonies that mark a significant change in a person’s life.. a rite of passage marks the transition from one stage of life to another”, online), and what if you and I, in our every day lives, fully transition to CCDEIPS (Confident… Strong) living?

    Still on March 19 you wrote: “That’s me, always trying to do the right thing, always ending up in a huge emotional hurt mess“- I am thinking of the right thing being CCDEIPS living,  every day.

    Exactly a month ago, April 19, you wrote: “Occasionally I wonder if having children was a mistake. If I’ve passed on the cycle of abuse somehow. I’ve read that a mother’s emotional state affects the foetus. I’ve read abuse affects DNA in bad ways. That is true the sins of the parents being passed onto however many generations“-

    – what if you and I have the Courage to rise above Guilt in our every day lives, have a rite of passage from Guilt to CCDEIPS?

    We indeed live in a world where abuse is passed on from one generation to the next, and it happens in every family, everywhere in the world. It is passed on, as you mentioned a month ago, genetically and in the womb, and I say, it happens onward, in one way or another, to one extent or another.

    Determined to do our very best going forward to not pass on abuse to other people (to do no harm), can we give ourselves the permission, in our separate lives, to no longer submit to guilt and its companions (fearfulness, indecisiveness, reactiveness, weakness), and instead rise above and have our personal rites of passage?

    anita

    #432843
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Guten tag. That’s about my extent of bilingualism 😂 but I’ve decided to try to squeeze some duolingo in my day. You never know, old brain might learn new tricks.

    Determined to do our very best going forward to not pass on abuse to other people (to do no harm), can we give ourselves the permission, in our separate lives, to no longer submit to guilt and its companions (fearfulness, indecisiveness, reactiveness, weakness), and instead rise above and have our personal rites of passage?

    Here’s a new trick I’m trying so very hard to get the brain to learn. Practise makes perfect. Filling life with as many positive experiences so more hours in the day are filled with happy chemical responses in the body. Such a slow process but one step at a time. Retraining the brain to accept the guilty, anxious, worthless feelings in the body, but not to think them through because that only creates more negative chemical responses. Let the chemicals find their way out, accepting the emotions they bring, and without dissection. Not feeling despondent when doing happy things only brings a minor upwards feeling, because it’s been a few years since happiness flowed, and even then it was more a sense of gratefulness mixed with fear.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>This is a nosey question, how old are you? I sort of think we’re of a similar age, and life isn’t over yet! I have felt like a life wasted too, I put so much pressure on myself because I didn’t live a happy, valuable life. I didn’t feel this when I was younger, it took an abusive relationship that was filled with criticism about my lifestyle and commitment to making it stable, secure, etc, for my children. My lifestyle wasn’t the gypsy one he lived for. Except he used me to provide the stability he needed to be able to live his carefree life, while he gallivanted around the country / world, always coming back to his belongings kept in my boring home, always coming back to the comforts my safe predictable very non wandering lifestyle gave him the benefits of – all provided to him with his steadfast refusal to contribute towards any of the running expenses. My goodness, I’m feeling a bit angry while typing that! Go me! It’s hard to get away from feeling like my life is wasted though. The older I get the more I approach the end and wish I had the courage and ability to make it worth more. One step at a time and enough of these negative thoughts!</p>

    #432853
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul: I’ll get back to you Mon (Sun evening here)

    anita

    #432863
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    Here’s a new trick I’m trying so very hard to get the brain to learn… Retraining the brain to accept the guilty, anxious, worthless feelings in the body, but not to think them through because that only creates more negative chemical responses… without dissection“- excellent trick. I want to practice this myself.

    This is a nosey question, how old are you? I sort of think we’re of a similar age, and life isn’t over yet!“- I am young enough to be alive, old enough to know that my personal life will be over.

    My lifestyle wasn’t the gypsy one he lived for. Except he used me to provide the stability he needed to be able to live his carefree life.. all provided to him with his steadfast refusal to contribute towards any of the running expenses. My goodness, I’m feeling a bit angry while typing that! Go me!“- no shame, no guilt in feeling angry! He took advantage of you financially and rewarded you with criticism: a double whammy, aka as doppelter Schlag, in German.

    It’s hard to get away from feeling like my life is wasted though. The older I get the more I approach the end and wish I had the courage and ability to make it worth more. One step at a time and enough of these negative thoughts!“- it is interesting to me that I thought that my post about courage etc., would bring positive thoughts to your mind, an inspiration of sorts. I am sorry for the failed delivery, SadSoul!

    anita

    #432873
    SadSoul
    Participant

    No, no no no! You didn’t fail. My mind went off on a tangent and I found a piece of healing in that little wander. I do that a bit, get side tracked with my own shizz. Must be the alzheimer’s kicking in. The other thing that I do is take a day or so for things to settle into my thoughts when they’re new to me. I’m still rolling the ideas around like a lemon flavoured lolly, savouring the sweetness of the sounds of the sentences, but feeling mixed up in the pit of my stomach because – because – because. Because I’ve never thought them before. Because I’m entrenched in my mindset and it never occurred to me I could think differently. Because it is taking some space to realise I have a growth opportunity here that I’ve never recognised. Thank you for calling me out on this.

    I will have to turn my computer on to reply adequately as my phone is garbage for being able to copy and paste and all of that. It ends up not making sense or meaning differently to what I’m trying to say if I can’t see it all properly.

    This is something you wrote the other day that I thoroughly enjoyed reading – hold onto your hat, I copied and pasted on my phone 😂

    The  sun is bright outside, the trees and grass so green (in front of me, seen through the open window). Life as usual, it was always there no matter how dead I felt. Ah, life, a magnificent thing, life seeking life. I am seeking life. I let go of my past, I let it go. I no longer identify with my past. I now identify with life, everything’s life, everyone’s life, just.. Life.

    I loved this. As I listen to the sounds of the animal kingdom living, the wind in the trees whispering of the living they’ve seen, the warmth in the air, the gentle yet powerful rhythms that the blessed non human things in this world live every day. This is where I need to stop before I make a negative observation about humans 😂 see! I’m so very torn between positivity and negativity. Need courage to let go.

    #432874
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    No, no no no! You didn’t fail. My mind went off on a tangent and I found a piece of healing in that little wander. I do that a bit, get side tracked with my own shizz“- every time I get a s.. sound word from you, I think of using it in a poem for you: Shizz Sad Soul; She is cool and awesome: Not at all shizzy…

    Must be the Alzheimer’s kicking in“- you must be older than I am, lol. (aka haha)

    I’m still rolling the ideas around like a lemon flavoured lolly, savouring the sweetness of the sounds of the sentences“- poetic, if you don’t mind me saying so. I am so curious about how you sound saying this sentence, your accent.

    because – because – because. Because… it is taking some space to realise I have a growth opportunity here that I’ve never recognised. Thank you for calling me out on this“- you are welcome, funny, funny, Funny SadSoul, funny in a very delightful way, way, ways that delight me.

    This is something you wrote the other day that I thoroughly enjoyed reading… I loved this. As I listen to the sounds of the animal kingdom living, the wind in the trees whispering of the living they’ve seen, the warmth in the air, the gentle yet powerful rhythms that the blessed non human things in this world live every day. This is where I need to stop before I make a negative observation about humans..  see! I’m so very torn between positivity and negativity. Need courage to let go.“-  – As I listen to the sounds.. the wind .. whispering of the living they’d seen…

    Sad Soul needs the courage to let go, to let go of… (I need to let go of) the sounds of fear, the sounds of guilt, the sounds of shame, the sounds of unnecessary suffering.

    anita (no s in my name, disappointed-face-emoji))

    #432906
    SadSoul
    Participant

    you must be older than I am, lol. (aka haha)

    That is a possibility. As I sit here contemplating all my grey hair 😂

    … your accent.

    It’s a very boring this accent 😂

    anita (no s in my name, disappointed-face-emoji))

    None in my RL name either so I’ll share your disappointment 😜

    I have a young friend whose phone is very old, so when I text message, I have to write what emoji I would have sent. This reminds me of that. I’m just touching base in the very most horrible busy part of the week. I want to retire but I didn’t hatch any golden eggs in my younger days. I observe the world, driving around in vehicles that cost twice what I earn in a year, young people, old people, people going overseas or off to the city for a weekend, and I’ve never managed this kind of thing. My car costs about what most people earn in a week 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 I used to be able to say at least the engine was good but that’s clapping out too. My poor little go-go mobile, even I’m thinking I need to stop fixing it and use it towards another one. Except my priorities aren’t car focused, I want other things!

    Soz this was totally unrelated to my emotional state. I hope you’re relaxed in your cosy lounge room, enjoying a cup of something that makes your heart sing – for me that’s coffee! For you I think that might be a glass of. !!got given a nice bottle of red last week from someone I work alongside. Didn’t have the heart to tell them it’ll go well in a nice bolognaise 😂 or maybe I’ll regift it to someone like yourself who’ll enjoy its lovely delights. Aaaah! I’m going to make mulled wine! Then I can sit in the lounge room all cosy.

    Till tomorrow, or the day after 🌸

    PS I read your other thread. It’s good to get it out and on paper. I wondered though, where was your father in all this?? Sorry if that’s too personal.

    #432912
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    I hope you’re relaxed in your cosy lounge room, enjoying a cup of something that makes your heart sing“- as I read this sentence, I was drinking sweetened vinegar pickle juice: opened a pickle juice jar, added water and a mix of stevia and monk fruit sugar, good for an aging digestive system, highly recommended, if you have the stomach for it. I just ate some of the pickles, very acidic.

    Raining cats and dogs here, was out and about anyway, cutting blackberries in between apple trees, using a hoe. In the rain. Plus a shortened, about 2 km walk. Okay (disgusted face emoji), enough with the pickles.. way too acidic.

    That is a possibility. As I sit here contemplating all my grey hair“- I remember my young days when I had grey in my hair. (Grey started at 30 or so)

    My car costs about what most people earn in a week“- I won’t judge. I am the least materialistic person in the county, country maybe. I don’t carry a wallet or a purse with me, I don’t shop, I rarely drive, and my only inspiration in regards to clothing is to find someone to patch the holes in 3 of my old jeans.

    I wondered though, where was your father in all this??“- they divorced when I was 6, I think. I have only 1 memory of him before the divorce, and that was a huge, scary fight they had late at night. He visited after the divorce but she took over the visits, talking and talking, so there was no 1-to-1 interaction between me and him, except, perhaps, when I escorted him to the bus stop. As a teenager, I have a nice- 1-image-  memory of me sitting in a restaurant having steak and chips (he was there but no image of him), another no-image memory of being at the zoo with him, and/ or a bowling alley.  I do have more memories of him as a 20+, he tried to be good to me then.. he tried. Thing is, my monster talked negatively about him and about everybody else, and so much, that I was heavily and negatively prejudiced about him and about everyone else, including myself (I’ll post about it in my thread sometime soon, when I am under the influence of something other than pickle juice. He smoked heavily, almost non-stop,  including when he was dying in the hospital.

    I wish I had the opportunity to talk to him, and to other people back then without the thick layer of negativity with which she enveloped everyone.

    anita

     

    #433063
    SadSoul
    Participant

    I just wrote a big reply and when trying to find the path button closed the page on my phone. I’m quite disappointed about this but I’m going to assume it’s what the universe wanted. So I’m going to shut here cranky grouchy grrrr.

    Hello and how are you?

    #433067
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    I am currently fine and dandy, not at all crackly grouchy grrr. I feel calm, strangely calm, as in a new kind of calm, new to me. I had a moment of grrr yesterday when I realized that I must have deleted by mistake all the photos in my gallery/ phone (grrr face emoji).

    anita

     

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