Hey Dear Nea:

What you’re describing is a long‑standing family pattern, not a one‑time situation. Your dad has never handled conflict through conversation or accountability, and your mom and sister have learned to survive by keeping the peace. So, when you say their answer would be to “avoid more conflict,” that makes complete sense — they’re responding the way they’ve always had to.

The hot‑and‑cold behavior you’re getting from your father is also part of that same pattern. He softens when he remembers you’re pregnant, then becomes cold again when he feels you didn’t follow the script he expects. That unpredictability is exhausting for anyone, but especially for someone who’s about to give birth and needs stability, calm, and emotional safety.

Given all of this, I think the most realistic and self‑protective path for you right now isn’t trying to change the family dynamic — it’s creating a small, steady bubble of calm inside it. Your sister sounds like someone who can help you with that. Your mom may not be able to challenge your dad, but she does care about you and can support you in quieter ways. Leaning on them for emotional steadiness, even if they can’t intervene directly, might be the most helpful thing available in this environment.

And for your father, the safest approach may be exactly what you’re already doing: keeping gentle distance, not escalating, and not apologizing for something you didn’t do. You’re not abandoning your family — you’re protecting your mental and emotional health during a vulnerable time.

You’re navigating this with so much clarity, Nea, even inside a very difficult system. I’m here with you as you figure out the next steps.

Anita

Hey Nea:

You are welcome, and thank you 🙂

You wrote: “If my family wants to sit downstairs together, watch something, or do something as a family…”

I was imagining what it would look like if you asked your family (not including your husband) to sit downstairs with you, and you told them — in your own words from your message to me:

“Family and staying connected are such a huge part of how I was raised. I’m extremely pregnant, about to become a mom myself, and being at my parents’ home during this stage should feel like a blessing and a place of support. Instead, I feel like I’m managing tension, moods, and trying to make sure my husband doesn’t feel pushed out. It’s exhausting and honestly really sad.”

And then adding something like: “Can you help me feel better, safer, calmer as I’m nearing giving birth?”

That would be a reasonable idea for a reasonable family. But in families with intimidation dynamics, something that looks like a “meeting” can feel confrontational or escalate tension. Your father may interpret it as a challenge to his authority, an accusation, or an opportunity to lecture or blame. You’d be exposing your vulnerability in front of someone who historically does not respond with empathy — and in front of others who won’t challenge him, however gently.

A safer version might be gathering the family minus your dad first and telling them: ‘I’m pregnant, I’m tired, and I need support. I don’t want tension in the house. I need us to find a way to make things calmer.’ Then asking: ‘Can you help me with this?’

What do you think their answer would be?

Anita

Hi Girija:

I read what you shared, and what stood out most is how much strength you’ve built over the last couple of years. You’re not just “getting back up” — you’re actually changing the way you relate to yourself. The confidence you’re feeling now isn’t coming from circumstances being perfect; it’s coming from you learning that you can move forward even when things are uncertain.

I’m glad the last couple of days have felt lighter. It makes sense that full rest doesn’t work for you — you seem to need a mix of activity, learning, and small accomplishments to feel grounded.

What you said about 2025 being your lowest, and how many different paths you tried, shows how much effort you put into rebuilding. None of that was wasted. You didn’t just “live through” those intense years — you learned from them, and you’re carrying that forward now in a more stable way.

And about your mom — I can imagine how heavy this time of year feels. Routine follow‑ups can still bring a lot of anxiety, especially after everything she’s already survived. Seeing her spirit dim is hard, and it’s clear how much you care about her.

I’m here, Girija. You’re doing more growing than you give yourself credit for.

🌿 Anita

Hey.. Confused:

I see how much you’re hurting, and it makes me 🙁

“But that still doesn’t make sense because when u lose feelings for someone u are relieved to break up… If I had lost feelings, I wouldn’t feel anything… I wouldn’t be crying my guts out for months on end”-

If you permanently lost feelings, it’d make sense that you’d be relieved to break up, would never feel anything for her and wouldn’t cry your guts out for months on end.

But you only temporarily lost feelings.

“And it felt so amazing when I was holding her/kissing her in December”-

There were amazing moments during the visit, but on the whole, it was not an amazing visit. There were lots of doubts, distance and disconnection on both sides.

This is what you said about the visit back on Dec 21:

“The visit went okay, it was our first time meeting, I stayed for 3 days, and she knew what was happening inside my head, so she was also distant/disconnected… I liked her in person and my body responded very well to us kissing and cuddling (even tho my mind was constantly doubting everything). Took her a lot of time opening up and even touching me tho. The first 2 days she was keeping her distance which I respected (because she needs to develop a sense of trust and security before getting intimate, especially after I planted many doubts in her head).”

Back to today: “Idk anita, is it 50%? This girl truly loved me… It hurts so much when u push a good person away.”- you place her love on a pedestal, seeing it as perfect at all times (100%)?”-

I think that the 2 of U are good people and neither one of you is perfect (100%). (I would like to think of myself in the same way).

“It’s so hard every day without her, I wake up hoping I’ll get a message or something. She’s always in my mind no matter what I’m doing, and I still feel like sharing my every day with her… I doubt life will get any better for me anytime soon 🙁”-

I think that one way for life to feel better for you is to let go of the ideas that (1) what you lost was perfect love, on either side, and that (2) you carry the sole responsibility for the breakup.

I would like to read from you anytime you feel like talking to me.

🌿 Anita

Hey Confused: I just noticed your sarcasm (or is it irony, I confuse the two) in your “and look at me now, how well I did 🙂”-

Confused is taking more responsibility than what belongs to you. How about 50% instead of 100%?

Not going anywhere with this, was hoping you go somewhere with this..

She meant everything to you before Nov? Maybe not?

Hi again, Nea:

I want to clarify what I meant when I wrote that my mother’s affection was tied to my compliance.

I didn’t mean that she wanted me to comply to behaving in ways that are respectful to other people/ to my elders, or to obeying instructions such as help with cleaning the home and such.

I mean she wanted me to submit to her power for no other reason than that it made her feel better to exert power over me and see me controlled, subdued and self-erasing.

It made her feel temporarily powerful ( and that felt good!). I say temporarily, because she needed to assert her power- at my expense- again and again.

So, her love for me, in practice, was love for how my submission and self-erasure made her feel.

I can share more, but I don’t want to maybe overwhelm you. I shared what I did so to explain the “how and why” behind my mother’s behavior,

Thinking that maybe it might help you just a bit in the struggle you mentioned: “Another part of me is still struggling to truly understand the why and how behind (your father’s behaviours)”.

I understand, of course, that your father and my mother are not the same person and that my childhood experience is not the same as yours. Yet certain patterns and human motivation are quite the same across the world from the beginning of times.

🌿 Anita

Good Monday morning, Confused 🙂

Yes, your motivation changed since Nov, your doubts and shutdowns started then, as well as a general loss of pleasure. It happened before your irl visit with her on Dec.

Fast forward 8 months, and she experienced something similar this July- Aug, before the scheduled Aug irl visit with you, which would have been the 2nd visit.

Do you agree with what I wrote above?

🤔 Anita