May 1, 2017 at 7:42 pm #147623
- Hello. I will try to be brief but I have to tell 40 some years of a story and feelings. I apologise in advance because I might be somewhat vague. I have layers to deal with and can not jump to practical possible solutions to my problems. I’m not ready for that and sadly I think that is the biggest part of my problem. I can not get beyond unmet needs to think on a practical logical level.
I was going to do a beief history of my past but maybe later as I am not feeling well at this moment. I will try to explain now if I can. I am female and 48 years old. I have never had a relationship. I have always longed for one. Every day since I was a teen I have imagined being in relationships. I watched others have real ones while I pretended to. I have sabotaged potential relationships with no conscious effort to do so. I have prayed, wished for, read books to find my soulmate but like my father he never came to me. I know my father’s name but still do not know what he looked like. I have no picture of him and he died in 2009.
I can barely take care of myself because of emotional problems. Most of my energy has been spent keeping a roof over my head and it has not been easy. I have worked long and hard doing many jobs I do not like. I am an artist who doesn’t draw and a writer who doesn’t write. I know I am mostly responsible for being alone but just once I wanted a man to pursue me with entusiasm. A man that wanted me and loved me. He never came and I can’t tell you how much that hurts. It feels like men hate me or worse are indifferent to me and feel I am just someone to be tolerated at best. Being nice doesn’t work. I am gladly tolerated when I’m nice but do not expect anything more from a man. When I can not take be just that anymore I get upset and resentful. Especially at married women and women who seem to get all kinds of attention for doing almost nothing. They seemed to be just loved for who they are. I want that but I’ve wanted it since I was a teenager.
I am leaving a lot of personal trauma out. I am now at the point where I can not handle an ounce of criticism from a man or any one else. When men criticise me now I just want to ask “Why?” “Why do men hate me so much?” I want to just leave everything and go away. I wish I could just travel without stopping. Doing something where I do not have to think about how lonely I am. I can add more when I am feeling better but I just need to flow this out right now and hear what is said. Thank you.May 1, 2017 at 7:57 pm #147635
I hope you feel better soon.
From personal experience it is still possible, at your age, to engage in the healing process and to find and develop a healthy loving relationship.
When you feel better, I would like it if you shared more about your childhood…? I will be back to the computer in 10-12 hours or so and would very much like to read your share, be it as long as it will be.
anitaMay 2, 2017 at 7:21 am #147681
Thank you Anita. Sorry for spelling mistakes or typos rather in my post. I was very tired and should have checked. As of right now I will be able to post again in about 7 hours. I will post with more information though.
LisaMay 2, 2017 at 7:27 am #147685
Looking forward to your next post, Lisa.
anitaMay 2, 2017 at 1:58 pm #147769
I’m sorry to hear about how you feel about yourself and hope that you feel better soon enough to tell us your childhood and a bit more on your past which will help to give a better advice.
From what I have experienced, nothing is too late in life no matter how old we are, unless we decide to not give it a try. In your case, I can see that you are willing to seek help to create a better outlook on your current situation so it’s not late to fix the situation.
Looking forward to hearing more about you.
pinch of attitudeMay 2, 2017 at 7:17 pm #147789
Thank you pinchofattitude.
My parents were teenagers when I was born. They were possibly involved in drugs and drinking of some kind in the late 60”s. They couldn’t take care of me and my mother’s family did not like my father. I understand there was a huge fight when he came around to see me and was told to stay away from me. Hearing other people besides my mother, they had their reasons for disliking him but my mother defended his memory saying he wasn’t the bad person they made him out to be. I also heard that my father had many girlfriends but he seemed to have a “relationship” with my mother. I am going back a little but when I was born I think my mother put me in a forster home in the next state over from where I was born. Strangely that was the state where my father’s family is from. So my maternal grandparents didn’t know where I was for 6 months after I was born. Well I was found and brought back to my mother’s parent’s house and they began raising me as their child. Their names are even on my birth certificate. They referred to my aunts and uncles and my mother as my sisters and brothers and that’s all I knew. I was abused briefly by an uncle and verbally abused by another. My grandparents were a bit old fashioned but despite not having a lot of money were generous with material things, schooling, clothes. My grandfather I believe wanted things to stay as they were but I hear that my grandmother wanted desperately for my mother to mature enough to take care of me. Her lifestyle didn’t sit well with them and I believe they thought she had substance abuse issues and I think often she was not allowed home and they wanted her to create a life for herself but she had problems. The house was sometimes peaceful but sometimes terrible fights among the siblings who were in their teens and twenties by then. I would hide in my room when their fights broke out. Most fights started from one of the sons who split from his wife and drank heavily and who was now home.
I went to school which I wanted to desperately a year late because the first time I took the test to get in the Catholic school teachers or nuns didn’t believe I sat still. I remember all through childhood I had to take a pill everyday supposedly to calm me down. I was a good baby I was told but as I got older would be more prone to tantrums I guess. I also remember having frequent accidents through the night at bedtime which was seen as a behaivoral problem and I was often chastized for it. I am trying to be honest as much as possible as I feel the help I need is imperative. I was also a sensitive child and a target for bullies, often from other children even on my own street. One day one of them and her brother whom I tried to be friends with even though they were mean to me told me casually, Lisa we know something bad about you. They proceded to tell me I was adopted and that my sister was my mother. Apparantly they found out from their mother who was friends with my mother. When I confronted my family with this they said that she was lying. I kept questioning whether it was true or not and I often wondered why I was so much younger than my next sibling up. The go off track for a second the brother of the girl who td me I was adopted was nicer to me than she was and we had a little crush on eachother at that time. I was about 11 or 12. Well he joined in telling me about being adopted and seemed to think it was kinda funny and would even at other times say mean things to me. I didn’t know why.
Well I agonized over whether I was my sister’s daughter and that the woman who I thought was my mother might not be. Meanwhile I became more withdrawn. I was an outgoing kid with an open heart for the most part. In school though it seemed my teachers weren’t overly impressed with me as they were with other students even though I thought I was bright and talented. (In art) I didn’t impress anyone except a few classmates with my drawings. Friends started to withdraw from me. My cousin who the neighborhood boys would somehow compare me unfavorably to once asked me not to tell anyone I was her cousin. I started spending more time in my room where I could create my own reality. I often would pull the dresser drawer open so no one could open the door.
One day I was bullied on school grounds and without going into detail about the bullying, two nuns who saw the bullying made me feel as if I did something wrong and had no compassion for what I went through the next day in school. I was often called a baby or sissy for not standing up to kids that bullied me but my thoughts often went to wondering why they wanted to bully me? When I was told so gleefully about my “adoption” and that I was illegitimate I really retreated into my room. I started getting books out of the library and pretended I was someone else. I also developed a rash that was possibly from rheumatic fever. I know I definately had a strep throat. I finally got the truth out of my mother one day about her being my mother and it upset me because no one liked my mother and I wanted to be liked. They all lied to me from the first time I confronted them with this. I asked about my father and they said he took off. I find out much later in life that my father was still living in my neighborhood up until I was well into my twenties. I didn’t know him. Just before I finished grade school my grandmother died young. I was devasted by her death. I finished my last year in Catholic grade school and spent to majority of my time in my room and not going out at all.
Too much to write. I hope I can continue this tomorrow. I am trying to give an accurate description of my childhood in order for people to understand but too much to write right now.
<span style=”line-height: 1.5;”> </span>May 2, 2017 at 8:19 pm #147795
I read and studied your sharing so far. You are doing very well describing your childhood and I am learning. Hope you continue tomorrow but no rush: post anytime, any length of a post, stop when you feel like stopping, submit, and post later, when you are ready.
anitaMay 2, 2017 at 8:38 pm #147807
I started High School but was shocked by how different it was from my Catholic school. Yeah it was difficult in ways but I didn’t feel that I had to worry about classmates bullying me. Most of the bullying I endured were from neighborhood kids outside of school and some teachers and people I trusted. At least in grade school I could just go about my business with little to worry about. High School which I had big dreams for…I wanted to be a cheerleader, I fell in love, wanted to learn, turned out to be a disaster. I was almost promptly bullied. I did go out for cheerleading, I did fall in love. I lost cheerleading when I couldn’t remember a routine after being sick the day is was taught and of course they choose that routine on the spot for me to do. I fell in love with a boy but couldn’t figure out what to do about it. I wanted to get closer to him but the guy in back of me wouldn’t change seats with me. I have always had the most romantic notions when it comes to love and thought very old fashioned. I wanted him to approach me and even though I think he knew I liked him and was kind and playful with me, he never really approached me. He was a football player and after being relentlessly bullied by a couple of kids and losing cheerleading, I quit. My first sesmester grades were so good I was going to be on the honor roll. My guidance counselor was so sympathetic to the fact that I was being bullied. I had a crush on him as well. One of the teachers thought me quitting was having a temper tantrum. I just wanted out. In 9th grade which I could have breezed through I quit. I was more vunerable there and unlike grade school the teachers didn’t seem to have any interest in teaching which was the only reason I went to school. I quit, stayed in my room or the library and my grandfather set me up with my first therapist.May 2, 2017 at 8:54 pm #147815
I will be back in the morning, about 10-12 hours from now. I will re-read your last post and any other you may post by then.
I have these question: you mentioned not being able to sit still in grade school and taking medication daily so to be able to sit still. Were you diagnosed with ADHD?
Has your experience been drifting through life, not paying attention to what is going on around you, kind of living in a fog, foggy thinking… not being present or grounded, kind of drifting, lost?
May 3, 2017 at 9:12 am #147875
- This reply was modified 2 years ago by anita.
Two words describe your lifetime state of mind best, according to my understanding. The first word is “Alone”- the title of your thread. The second word is Overwhelmed. The two are connected.
You were very much alone, as a child. It was not only the absence of your father that created that aloneness but also the absence of adequate attention from your grandmother, your grandfather, your mother, and everyone else. Your aloneness was extreme.
Growing up severely alone is harmful for a child. A child needs attention and guidance and I don’t think you received those things in any amount close to being adequate. In that aloneness, every negative event, every abuse, every incidence of bullying is overwhelming because there is no one to attend to you, to comfort you, to explain to you what happened. A child is not equipped to understand what is happening unless a parent explains to the child what happened.
Every negative event, in the aloneness of your childhood, was overwhelming. And so, you withdrew. Not only did you withdraw by spending a lot of time alone in your room, but you withdrew in other ways as well: your ability to pay attention to what is going on also withdrew. Your presence in your own life withdrew, and life passed you by (you observed it rather than participated in it). Your ability to learn from your experience withdrew, and so, your life kind of froze, all these years.
When overwhelmed and unskilled, practical goals are overwhelming as well. And beyond the practical: drawing and writing? There is no energy at all left for those, no faith in it, and so, as you stated: you are an artist that doesn’t draw and a writer that doesn’t write.
Am I correct in my understanding?
May 3, 2017 at 9:41 am #147883
- This reply was modified 2 years ago by anita.
Thank you for sharing your story, you are a fighter, though you went through so much and yet you are still fighting to find peace in your life. I can really appreciate that about you.
I would be lying if I say I know exactly how you feel, but growing up with an abused mother, the feeling of unwanted and not good enough are very familiar with me a few years back. I also saw a therapist twice a week over 6 months period. From what I can understand, you saw a therapist when you were still in high school, would you consider going back? The reason I asked is that now that you are more mature and able to understand your feelings better, it might be a good idea to give it another try and see how you will progress.
Focus on you and how you feel is a priority, having the childhood that you had there are many layers that you will need to jot down as to what issue you want to tackle first.
I’m going to wait until you’re back and let me know what you think so far. This way I can continue with a better advice.
Pinch of AttitudeMay 3, 2017 at 4:52 pm #147973
Anita I was described as a hyperactive child. I was put on a pill daily. When I was around 14-15 a doctor who took over the practice of my other doctor refused to prescribe the pill for me. I heard him tell my grandfather that it was “speed.” I remember being upset that he wouldn’t prescribe it because I felt I functioned better while on it.
I can be foggy I guess in my thinking sometimes. I do remember people thinking I had a hearing problem because I genuinely could not hear people saying my name while I was watching TV. It does take a second sometimes to absorb information. The only subject in school I struggled with was math but I always felt it was because I didn’t want to do it rather than I couldn’t do it.
I also have a problem meditating. I always wanted to do it but my mind wanders too much.
Alone is definately what I feel and you are right overwhelmed is what I have always felt also. I would have liked emotional support and have things explained to me. I feel I was left to figure it out on my own and I have learned nothing more than to just survive. I am definately just an observer of people who have actual lives. You are right…my life did freeze in time. I was moving ahead until everything got to be too much.
Everything I can/could be I can’t manage to be. I don’t have anything to give it life.May 3, 2017 at 5:07 pm #147975
Thank you pinch of attitude. ♡
I have been seeing therapists off and on since my teens. I saw my most current one about 3 weeks ago but I can not afford to see her anymore and I was feeling pretty hopeless in my last session. I have kinda always hoped a therapist could end my suffering. They never can. I am really at the point now where I need relief that can’t wait. I do like therapy for the most part though but I can not afford it and I have no health insurance.
Yes I do have many issues but I feel I could only work on them if I had the free time to do so. Daily life, interactions, bills, work…I can barely pull them off and then I have nothing left.May 3, 2017 at 5:17 pm #147979
I would like to post more and summarize what life has been like from my teens till now because I feel it’s important but I want to be able to summarize it well and that might not be until tomorrow. Thank you Anita and Pinch of Attitude for your thoughts so far. ♡
I would like to provide you with more information. I will as soon as I can.
LisaMay 3, 2017 at 7:39 pm #147989
You are welcome. I am looking forward to your next share. I am sorry you are not able to afford more therapy. I can very much relate to freezing-in-time, just surviving, being overwhelmed and observing life while others, I thought, were living their lives. It was only six years ago, at the age of 50, that I attended my first competent psychotherapy. I have been engaged in healing ever since and would like to share everything I learned with you, over time. Just keep this thread going, share, take your time, and I will reply every time you post, for as long as you would like me to.
Till your next post, take care of yourself best you can-