At the core of my personal C-PTSD is emotional suppression. Those things—emotions. I just noticed I typed ‘those’ instead of ‘these,’ and that, in itself, reflects the essence of emotional suppression—creating distance between myself and my own feelings.

When a person disconnects from their emotions, when they deeply distrust their own feelings, and when that distance and distrust become a long-term reality, mental illness is the inevitable result. The self becomes fragmented, with its fragments working against one another.

One fragment longs to express, while another relentlessly silences it- over and over again.

I came across a writing exercise. I’ll call it “Giving Voice to the Unspoken”, or “Giving Voice to the Silenced/ the Suppressed”.

– “Step 1: Write Without a Filter- Set a timer for 10–15 minutes and write freely without stopping. Don’t worry about grammar, making sense, or judging your thoughts—just let your emotions flow onto the page. Start with: ‘If my emotions could speak freely, they would say…’ Let the words come as they are—anger, grief, exhaustion, longing, frustration, hope—whatever needs to surface.”

– Okay, here it goes: If my emotions could speak freely, or more freely than before, they would say: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SUPPRESSED! STOP SUPPRESSING ME! LET ME BE! LET ME LIVE! (oopsie, I wasn’t expecting this at all, wasn’t aware of this anger, this rage- before I let my fingers type the words in big-case letters!)

* The suppressed just got uncomfortable by the comment in parenthesis, right above.

Please continue (sorry for the interruption, Suppressed 😞)

Continued: WELL, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SUPRESSED, I HAD IT, ALL MY LIFE.. (SCREAMING RAGE)

(Please tell me more..?) WHY SHOULD I? YOU RE ALWAYS SPEAKING FOR ME IN YOUR INTELLECTUALIZING WAY, I DON’T GET TO BE HEARD!

(I will not interrupt until you are done) CAN YOU NOT INTERRUPT? CAN YOU…???

(I promise: I will not interrupt until you tell me that I can speak)

YOU MEAN I HAVE THIS POWER TO STOP YOU FROM SPEAKING??? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME BEFORE THAT I HAVE SOME POWER IN THIS RELATIONSHIP???

(Silence)

I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO SAY, I AM NOT USED TO BE GIVEN THE STAGE, THEOPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. I FEEL LIKE TALKING AND TALKING FAST BEFORE I AM SHUT DOWN AGAIN, SILENCED, DISMISSED, IGNORED.

(Silence)

Taking a moment to think- WITHOUT YOUR INTERRUPTION)- I just want to be heard. I want my own space, space to speak and be heard.

(Silence)

There’s been this monster in my life who took over me. She took over and there was no space for me.

I want to be. I want to be allowed to breathe, to feel, to think my own thoughts, my own feelings. You know, I am a person, NOT A THING! You can speak now, you in parenthesis)

Okay, back to the exercise: “Step 2: The Suppressed Dialogue- Write two voices: one representing the suppressed emotions (pain, anger, resentment, things left unsaid), the other representing the part of you that silences or suppresses them (self-doubt, fear, survival mode). Let these voices speak to each other… Let both sides speak honestly—this helps externalize inner conflict and reveal emotional truths you may not realize.”- I think I did this part in Step 1.. but there is more:

(I was trying to make sense of things. I was not trying to silence you. I was trying to help you)

I suppose you did better than our monster did. She never tried to understand us.

(I am glad you are using “us”. Let’s be an “us”, together, working together)

“Step 3: A Letter to Yourself.. write a letter to yourself, as if you were talking to a close friend who struggles with suppression. Offer kindness, validation, and permission to feel.”

Dear Suppressed Anita:

I know how difficult this has been for you, to be suppressed and silenced for what seems like FOREVER. I like what just happened- the intellectual part started the sentence, the suppressed part screamed into the page with rage- FOREVER). We cannot go back in time and change anything that already happened. But we can change today, and it will be worth it. Let’s EXPRESS today and every day. Let’s embark on this path of FREEDOM- the freedom to BE reborn, so to speak, to start our lives with that initial scream of a newborn, and take it from there!

Anita

Continued Exercise:

“Step 1…‘If my emotions could speak freely, they would say…’ Let the words come as they are—anger, grief, exhaustion, longing, frustration, hope—whatever needs to surface.”-

If my emotions could speak freely, they would say: Let Us Be. Let Us Live. let Us BREATHE.

Give Us SPACE.

“Step 2: The Suppressed Dialogue- Write two voices: one representing the suppressed emotions… , the other representing the part of you that silences or suppresses them”-

Suppressing Voice (SV): But I can’t let you take all the space you want- you will DESTRY ME!

You will take over all of me and render me powerless and helpless.

Suppressed Voice (S-ed V): I know it feels strange to you, but we are not the enemy to be suspicious of; we are friends that you can trust!

SV: People will say I am CRAY, OUT OF CONTROL!

S-ed V): Befriend us, and you will have the confidence to be in control.

SV: Only yesterday (irl) I told a friendly acquaintance, whom I like: “I will punch you in the face!”, in a joking yet sincere way. What is wrong with the person saying this? I must be crazy, a weirdo!!?

S-ed V: It’s suppressed anger. Well, 😠, excuse us for not being perfectly proper and well-mannered after HALF A CENTURY of suppression!

Let Us Be.

We didn’t punch her in the face. We just expressed ourselves. Maybe we’ll find a better way to express. it takes a bit of practice. We are NEW at this!

Anita

It’s getting close to 9:30 pm. Still light outside. Birds are chirping LOUDLY. I can hear the distinct sounds they are making. They are so ALIVE, and they are unapologetic about it.

I am listening to music I heard when I was 15, music I forgot all about until most recently.

Past 9:30 pm. Nothing like birds to present and represent LIFE- they never stop, not until complete darkness. Then they rest for only a few hours before they are ALIVE again, and audible about it! “WE ARE ALIVE!” They announce.

Their brains are so small, they can’t possibly be thinking anything! They are just ALIVE.

If they were able to think and overthink, I bet they would be very quiet.. disconnected, repressed or suppressed.

Lucky them!

Music is turned off. All I am hearing is the birds.

How LUCKY they are to just BE! To be uninhibited, uninterrupted by self-doubt, shame and guilt.

When I grow up, lol, I want to be a bird and nothing else.

It’s quiet now. No birds chirping. Even though I prefer silence at night, I miss them nonetheless.

It’s almost dark now. No bird sounds, none whatsoever.

I hear far away sounds from the highway.. oh, here they are, the birds, still chirping, only less.

What are they “thinking”? That there is a tomorrow, and that resting for a few hours is a good idea?

Silence. I can hear far away traffic on the highway, very little of it, somebody driving. Birds- nothing.

Oh, my goodness, suddenly- so it feels- it’s completely dark. I hear an owl, the night bord, no other bird.

Very lose to 10 pm.

Anita