Hi Anita

*trigger warning*

Regarding your question about evil. I read that evil is a lack of empathy. Apparently, someone who presided over charging people with war crimes after the holocaust said this.

I don’t think that hurting people is about defending oneself. There is a very clear difference between defensive aggression and someone who is actively trying to hurt another person.

There is a joy that is taken in harming others… someone who is being defensive takes no joy in it.

I feel like people use flimsy excuses for these types of behaviours. They are looking for opportunities to hurt others and re-enacting their trauma by role-playing the aggressor. The sad truth is it is easy to do, because it requires nothing in the way of self control and there has been cultural acceptance of children being possessions and child abuse being legal worldwide for a long time.

Additionally, people who hurt others typically have a combination of severe issues including developmental disorders, head injuries, brain damage, mental health issues, addiction and childhood trauma.

My phone battery is dying. I will have to reply properly tomorrow. ❤️

Hi Anita

You are always there to support other people. You deserve care and support too! ❤️

How are you feeling today?

It is not easy going through the things that you have. I think you’re doing an amazing job of figuring out the best ways to heal from your trauma.

Hi Anita

I think she knows that you love her. It is unfortunate that she couldn’t be that sense of love and safety in a parent that you deserved. Perhaps it is better for you both this way? She can do no more harm and you can love her from afar without being harmed. Being apart doesn’t mean that you don’t care. I’m sure you have tried many times over the years to figure things out with your mother to no avail. It isn’t your fault or for lack of trying. ❤️

Hi Everyone

Glad to see you posting again Jana! You are missed. ❤️

When I did schema therapy. The therapist taught me about different modes. My modes were, healthy adult, vulnerable child, punitive parent, angry child, detached protector.

I was also taught about schemas (unhealthy though patterns) and it was explained to me that they gravitate towards continuing. So it is like… they exist to exist and try and drag you back down and it takes a lot of time and effort to resist them and undo them.

I have been thinking about all of this. I used to identify strongly with vulnerable child and detached protector. I would say that the punitive parent mode was also very strong and I ignored the angry child mode actively suppressing it.

It is interesting how identity changes over time. The punitive parent mode has gotten smaller, the healthy adult has grown, the vulnerable child has gotten smaller, the detached protector has gotten smaller. The angry child mode I have dabbled with but compared to the others, not as much work has been done.

Punitive parent mode was very obvious and I think easier to undo. Anxiety on the other hand. There are things that make it appear friendlier. It’s function, alerting to dangers. Gives a false feeling of control. Yes, it causes harm.

I realised that I don’t share my anxieties with others because they could be harmful to them. It just occurred to me that it might be just as harmful to me. Sneakier than the punitive parent mode but just as damaging. It might be healthy for me to identify with those thoughts and feelings less. It is interesting how if I just think of it as someone saying those things to me it comes across as bullying. Really this is what I’m doing to myself.

It reminded me of something that my bio mum did. She used to lie to be about my friends. Pretend that they didn’t call. Tell me that they didn’t like me.

Hi Everyone

Thank you for your kindness and support Anita. You are a treasure! ❤️

Thank you for the excellent quotes, as well as sharing your insights Peter! ❤️

I noticed that a baby’s emotions are easier to deal with than language combined with emotion.

I believe that love is an emotion, as well as an experience. But compassion is a state of mind.

I have been reflecting on anger and I had an interesting experience last night.

I had angry thoughts directed at myself and others. And I thought wow, these thoughts are probably the most intense thing I currently have to experience in my life. Why am I so focused on other things? I stayed calm and thought of it like an angry teenager. A child should not be rejected when they are angry.

I do feel like all people deserve to be treat with the same compassion.

I am reminded of Chris’s insight of the importance of compartmentalisation.

I feel like compassion is easy to find when calm, relaxed and in good company.

I feel like a lot of the time, for various reasons people are uncomfortable with their present experience and try to escape it.

Rumination in itself for me has been an attempt to control my experience of difficulties and make me feel safe.

However, there is a big sacrifice. Worrying about future difficulties related to the present, often makes the present more difficult than it currently is.

For me, this stemmed from a fear of being incapable of handling the difficulties when they fully arise.

I suffer from a different problem. Whilst I’m quite knowledgeable about my own anxiety and how to handle it. I know very little about how to handle other emotions.

I tend to take thoughts and feelings at face value and not explore them further. Language is actually particularly helpful for this. This habit has bitten me in the butt because I don’t ever really address the underlying issue.

Hi Everyone

Thank you Anita for exploring the shame and self-blame! It definitely got me thinking about things. I’m sorry you experienced years of joyless living. You deserve a lot of joy in your life to make up for lost time. Keep up the great work. ❤️

For me, shame is an emotion. It was linked to thoughts of self-harm when I was younger.

I think I blame myself for not protecting myself. Even now as an adult.

It is hard to balance protecting myself with compassion.

Hi Everyone

Thank you for the beautiful poem Anita! 😍

I have been mulling over some of the things discussed on this thread. I’m truly sorry that you both went through that. 🙏

For me, yes I was scolded for being a child. But shame is more situational. There was a large sexual element to the abuse I experienced as a child. And I felt a tremendous amount of shame about that.

For me, I feel like shame is tied to self-blame. The underlying belief that I am at fault is what gives shame its power.

A friend pointed out that the root of self-compassion issues for me might be that my mother blamed me for being born and ruining her life.

But realistically. It is not my fault that she fell pregnant and decided not to get an abortion or to put me up for adoption. Healthy parents don’t blame their children for existing, or beat them for their childish escapades.

Healthy parents find joy in the carefree nature of children, teach them how to manage their emotions and love them.

It wasn’t my fault she hated being a parent.

Hi Everyone

Thank you Anita! I value your insight too and of course Peter’s as well. 😊

I have an additional thought about anger. It feels like being close to someone makes it easier for me to feel angry.

I worked in customer service dealing with angry customers all of the time and I was able to shrug it off.

Perhaps part of it is that I feel safe sharing my feelings with people that I’m close to. Another part is that I have higher expectations of people I care about and who I know care about me. It hurts more when they make mistakes. But we are all human and no one is perfect. Part of it is also that I blame myself when people I care about communicate issues with me because I care a lot. I don’t just shrug it off. I take it very seriously because I value their opinion.

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this?

I would like to get to the point where I can react the same way inside. Not disturbed no matter what happens around me.

I feel like the past piles up on top of the present too and I am no longer dealing with the situation in front of me. This leads to my feelings being disproportionate. And of course, anxiety feeds into this. Worrying about the meaning of interactions, future interactions. Worrying.