Good morning, Girija 🙂

The coworker we’ve been talking about- with his “powerful words and actions” (your words about him earlier)- was your hope for a savior?

I’m reminded of the 1981 book “The Cinderalla Complex”, it’s about the hope and fantasy of many, many women to be rescued by a man, to be like Cinderalla who was rescued from her hopeless life with her evil stepmother by a prince.

Although many more women work and earn a good income since 1981, the fantasy is alive and well, particularly when it comes to more traditional societies and anxious women who grew up without emotional safety.

There are approaches in different therapies that target this very fantasy, teaching women to develop a “secure base” within, or develop a secure adult self/ a capable “inner parent” to take care of the anxious “inner child”.

But none of it is easy, of course, for a girl who grew up without a secure base, or a capable parent 😔.

I didn’t even know Medium exists, or if I came across the word before, I forgot. I may look into it. Thank you for mentioning it.

How are you feeling today/ this evening?

🌿 Anita

Hi again, Girija:

“Last night I had an incredible realisation that I really got to live… It was a life in and of itself… It was amazing too.”- I wish you could tell me more about that Life‑In‑And‑Of‑Itself. How did it feel all that time?

“I don’t know if needing that sense of belonging all the time is good for me… I honestly think I don’t know how to live life… it’s a dull contrast to what I had with him and the previous team.”-

Losing two places where you felt connected would make anyone question belonging, direction, and how life is supposed to feel. Wanting belonging is human. And the contrast you’re describing… I can imagine how sharp it must feel.

… I just saw your most recent message. I’ll reply more fully in the morning (it’s Sunday, after 10 pm here), but for now, this part stayed with me:

“My pretenses – pretending I don’t want a saviour to swoop in, make my life feel good and make me less aware.”-

Girija… that’s such honest writing. Naming that wish takes courage. Wanting someone who brings ease, comfort, and a break from emotional intensity is such a human thing. You put it into words beautifully.

I spent so many, many hours (as a teenager and older) daydreaming about a saviour man. Those imaginings felt euphoric.

I’ll be back to you in the morning.

🌿 Anita

Hi Nea:

I relate to what you shared about your father’s rage and aggression. My mother had very similar patterns — physical and verbal aggression from as early as I can remember. When my parents were married, there was violence between them, and after they divorced (I was six), her aggression turned toward me. Like in your case, accountability never followed.

You wrote that the last incident happened in your mid‑20s. Same for me. I was around that age the last time she came at me to hit me. That time I blocked her — caught her arms and held them. She backed off and never tried again.

When I got married (very early 20s), she exploded at my husband — verbally, not physically — and I froze. I didn’t protect him, didn’t set boundaries, didn’t redefine anything. We left her home that evening, and not long after, my marriage ended. I didn’t have children.

So, while my story doesn’t have the strength and clarity you’re showing now, I do understand that moment when you realize the way you learned to survive as a child cannot continue into your adult family.

You’re already doing something I couldn’t do back then — choosing your own household’s peace over the old patterns and I admire you for that.

Wishing you a smooth last stretch of pregnancy and a safe, healthy birth.

🌿 Anita

Back 2 U:

“My mom and sis do say I was always stressed and only cared about work”-

It is totally understandable to me that you cared so much about work. I think that it was your corrective experience opportunity- to finally be what you weren’t allowed to be in the context of family.

Back to what you said a bit earlier: “I don’t think he loved me. Or I don’t know.”-

That you think he might have loved you tells me that you sense something unmistakenly genuine in the way he talked to you, looked at you, etc. It’s my guess that he felt genuine loving feelings for you, but those were limited in time and place (rather than being continous and ever lasting).

You mentioned reading about Narcissists in an earlier message- lots of people jump to that popular label because it makes things look black and white clear, no ambiguity, and that feels better to many.

But except for people who truly fit the diagnosis (handed by a professional following meeting the person irl, etc.), It’s just a convenient go-to-label.

“I don’t know how to want my life that bad again.”-

To want to matter, to belong, to be fully allowed- or better- to be embraced for you being uniquely you..?

This reminds me of my uncle asking me, with genuine curiosity and affection (I was a teenager perhaps) what I thought about something. I don’t remember the topic, but I clearly remember my shock at the time: someone was interested in what I was thinking, as if what I was thinking had value?

The feeling was intoxicating. I remember it as if it happened only yesterday.

Our childhood experiences are not identical of course, but I see similarities.

Uniquely Anita 🙂

Hi Girija:

“You look very happy in the photo, radiant!” — I wish you could see the big smile on my face reading that.

“LIITs, Jäger bombs, tequila shots” — I didn’t know this about you, and now I do. Still smiling.

“Maybe it is to numb but it is damn fun.” — I get that. Fun matters! I had too little of it for too long.

Your line made me think of Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper.

“I became more extroverted… I actually like and need people.” — This is huge. It’s expansion. It’s you discovering parts of yourself that were waiting.

The throwball story… that hit me. A kid being criticized daily, crying at the court. And now the adult version of you walking away from a team at work instead of shrinking or fixing yourself — that’s strength. That’s clarity. That’s you choosing yourself 🙂

Beautiful Girija is walking away from what hurts and walking toward what feels real 👏👏👏

More tomorrow (close to 11 pm here)

Anita

Hi Girija 🙂

I went back to your 2nd of three threads, where I quoted your words from your first thread (March- May 2019), and wrote down on a piece of paper three things you said back then.

In your recent post (7+ years later), you expressed something like feeling like an ant.

Back in 2019 you wrote: “I am really starting to see that it is like a factory, and we are all machinery”.

In your recent post, you wrote: “I don’t have an instinct towards anything… I’ve removed myself from living… Nothing innately pushes me.”

Back in 2019, you wrote: “My mother taught me- to not try to change your situation as you may lose what you already have”,

and,

“Being paralyzed by fear and being overwhelmed by stress has been a pattern for a long time.”

(Sincerely, Girija, I don’t know where I’m going in this reply. Let’s see if I’ll be going anywhere at all 🤔)

You wrote in your recent post: “Life was stuck and he came along and gave it colour”.

Life was stuck in grey and he gave it color.

Surviving life like an industrious ant, or like a machine in a factory (because really living life is dangerous, as you might lose what you already have)- you end up minimized by fear, psychologically shrunk by fear (no instinct… nothing innate).

See the photo above my name, Girija? That’s me dancing back in Oct 2025. It was to indoors live music that played a short distance away (it was raining that evening, so the band did not take place outdoors).

It was a moment of colour, of expanding the shrinkage. A small moment, yet it was everything. The dancing (and the red wine involved) dissolved the fear- paralysis that evening.

Do you, did you ever danced to music, Girija?

💃 Anita

Dear Girija:

For some reason I am very tired and it’s only 12:12 pm (by the time I submit this)

I’ll answer further later, but for now, what crossed my mind as I read your post, is how intelligent you are, and how emotionally honest. It’s a kind of beauty that makes this one “ant” ( you 🙂) rise way above the ant-ness she was born into.

✨️✨️✨️ Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

How are you this Greek Sat Evening 🙂 ?

You wrote yesterday,in regard to my mention of your pattern of intensity=> shutdown=> intensity=> shutdown, a pattern that, I said, would make any partner feel insecure:

“I never showed this pattern to her, I’ve always been caring and loving towards her, even when I wasn’t feeling it.”-

Does this mean that she has never noticed your emotional shutdowns and doubt?

That you never told her anything about the shutdowns or doubts, or that those never came across by the tone of your voice, facial expressions, silence or sudden coldness?

🤔 Anita