How R U, Omyk, 2 months & 16 days since U posted last?

Hello again, Em:

It reads like the 2 of you live together or that he spends a lot of time in your place, and while in the same place, he wants to be together with you all the time, and doesn’t respect your need for space, for alone-time.

You and him share the same friends, and you can’t talk to them because.. they like him too much and you don’t feel that they’ll listen to your perspective because they think of him as the nicest guy and they’re not aware of how he behaves privately with you?

What doesn’t go together with the above thoughts is that “most of the time he makes (you) feel like the luckiest girl in the world”-

Can’t be lucky if he does not allow you alone-time, keeps knocking on your closed door and taking possession of your personal property as leverage (is this even legal?)

In any case, it’s clear to me that you’re very much attached to him emotionally and maybe you describe some of his behaviors as not as bad as they really are.. because part of you wants to hold on to him and never let him go?

(thinking out loud 🤔)

🤔 Anita

Hey Confused (using the computer, so no emojis showing up)

Here is what Copilot has to say about your last two messages:

Confused is struggling with anxiety, emotional dependence, and distorted expectations about what love is “supposed” to feel like. He believes that if he doesn’t constantly miss his girlfriend, panic at the thought of losing her, or feel intense longing, then something must be wrong with the relationship — a belief he picked up from social media and friends. Because of this, he interprets normal emotional fluctuations as signs of doom.

He also admits he has relied on relationships to complete him, which makes him confused when he doesn’t feel constant intensity. His mind then jumps to catastrophic predictions (“we’ll be awkward,” “we’ll be bored,” “it will be bad”), which is classic anxiety — not truth.

The feeling that the relationship is “fake” or “not real” is also a common symptom of anxiety and emotional overwhelm, not a sign that the relationship is actually wrong. He cries because he’s scared, confused, and overwhelmed — not because he doesn’t care. His emotions are tangled, and he’s interpreting normal variations in closeness as signs of failure.

Answers to his questions:

1) “If I don’t miss her or panic about losing her, what remains?”-

What remains is the real relationship — the calm, steady part that isn’t fueled by fear. Love doesn’t have to feel like panic to be real. Panic is anxiety, not love.

2) “Why do I cry?”-

You cry because you’re overwhelmed and scared that your feelings don’t match what you think they “should” be. You’re grieving the loss of certainty, not the loss of love.

* What “grieving the loss of certainty” really means: When someone has always believed that love must feel a certain way — intense, dramatic, full of longing, fear, and emotional highs — that belief becomes a kind of emotional anchor. It gives them a sense of certainty: “If I panic when I think of losing her, that means I love her.” “If I miss her constantly, the relationship is real.” “If I feel intense emotions, everything is okay.”

These beliefs feel safe because they’re familiar. They create a predictable emotional world.

But when Confused suddenly doesn’t feel those intense emotions, he loses that sense of certainty. His old “rules” for what love should feel like no longer work. And that loss — the loss of the old emotional map — is painful. It’s like the ground under his feet shifted.

When certainty disappears, the mind reacts with fear, confusion, sadness, a sense of “something is wrong”, a feeling of being unanchored. This is why he cries.

He’s grieving the loss of the old emotional pattern — the one that told him: “Love = intensity, panic, longing.” Now that he’s not feeling those things, he feels lost.

In one sentence: He’s grieving the loss of the emotional certainty he used to rely on — the belief that love must feel intense and dramatic — and without that old framework, he feels scared and ungrounded.

3) “Why do I feel bad when she says she’ll visit?”-

Because anxiety jumps ahead and predicts disaster. Your mind is trying to protect you by imagining the worst, even though those predictions aren’t based on reality.

4) “Why does the relationship feel fake or imaginary sometimes?”-

This is a very common anxiety symptom called derealization — when fear and pressure make things feel unreal. It doesn’t mean the relationship is fake. It means you’re overwhelmed.

Bringing this thread of almost 5 years ago back 2 page 1 of list of topics for a later study

Hi em 🙂

Welcome to the forums✨ I hope that clarity and comfort will soon replace the feeling lost!

As I read your post, I was waiting to read about what the guy you love so much and who loves you back (“I love him so much and I know he loves me”) has done, for you to think that you should break up with him (“I know if one of my friends came to me with this problem id be worried about them and tell them to break up”).

I was expecting to read about those “massive arguments” and the “so many incidents which alone are worthy of a breakup”.

Here’s what you shared: “If we fight and I say I need space he’s repeatedly followed me and knocked on my door until I let him in. He’s also done things like taken my phone/glasses and said I can’t have them back until I talk to him.”-

I would like to understand- first you fight, then you say you need space. What is the initial fight about (before you need space)?

And when he knocks on your door and takes your phone or glasses, does he do it in anger, or does he do it in a clingy kind of joking way?

🤔 Anita

I would like to explore why I spontaneously clicked on an angry face 🤬 emoji right above:

Because I don’t like the idea of being THAT emotionally dependent on another person.

It triggered how I hated feeling terrified 😨 of losing my mother.

My life was put on hold for over half a century because of this fear.

No one deserves to have such power over another (adult) person.

🤢 Anita

3) I wanted to save her, to help her, to make it up to her for all that she has suffered; that would take a strong, assertive, confident person
to do that, a person to initiate action.

And she praised me for being weak, submissive (telling me that the only thing she liked about me was that I looked down at the floor and said nothing when she hit me)

(2 b continued)