Good early afternoon, Nea:

“Becoming a mom has made me look at all of these things through such a different lens”-

You are flexible; you have the capacity to grow, to learn and to change.

But some people are so rigid, so set in their ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, that they’re afraid that if they’ll change, they’ll break.

Their lens of viewing the world around them are fixed for life, and becoming a parent or a grandparent does not make a dent in their fixed patterns and mental-emotional rigidity.

Accepting what and who we can’t change, who does not have the capacity to change, to start hoping, to stop trying, relieves our stress and frees our energy to make a difference where and with whom you can.

And yes, there is strength in you- your flexibility, the ability to learn and change is proof of that.

❤️ Anita

Good late morning, Nea ❤️

What a beautiful name ✨️✨️✨️

It’s a good thing that Maya doesn’t carry a longing for your father’s tenderness and softness.

She is truly loved by her own parents.

“There’s something significant about reaching the point where you aren’t waiting for someone to become different anymore”-

I think that neither your father nor my mother has the emotional capacity to love another person in a tender, soft, close way.

I don’t think he chooses to be cold and distant. I think he just doesn’t feel closeness in the way you or I feel. He can perform behaviors that appear soft and close though.

I think it takes effort to perform these behaviors and that’s why he feels more comfortable being himself (not bothering to perform) at home.

I’ll write more later.

Anita

Confused, I want to go back to two things you shared because they matter more than the “ex” slip.

You said you felt distant from both your parents since around age 13, and that you still carry a fear that someone you love will suddenly leave without warning. That fear didn’t start with your girlfriend — it started long before her.

When a child grows up feeling emotionally far from the people who are supposed to be close, the nervous system learns to expect sudden disconnection. So, now, when you care about someone, your mind jumps to ‘she might disappear,’ even when she’s showing you she wants to communicate.

That fear makes you try very hard to prove to her that you’re safe, that you’re good, that you won’t hurt her. But proving isn’t what builds trust. What builds trust is consistency over time — showing up, being honest, and letting things unfold without trying to control every possible scenario.

You’re not dumb. You’re scared. And the fear comes from old wounds. You’re doing your best, and she sees that. Let the connection breathe a little. You don’t need to be perfect; you just need to be present.

What does Confused think?

Anita

Good evening, Nea 🙂

I feel priviledged to know her name ✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️

If I understand correctly, your father has been pridefully spreading the news that he has a grandaughter to people outside his home (outsiders), but he has barely held her in the privacy of his home, among the insiders.

Based on what you shared earlier, he feels more comfortable being himself with his immediate family (those living under his roof), and he puts a social mask for outsiders.

I believe that his pride is real, just that it doesn’t translate to a soft heart.

Thank you for your empathy in regard to the absence of the mother I wished I had..

It just ocurred to me that I used the past tense right above, “wished I had”. I think that I’m no longer wishing. I’m closer than ever to fully accepting who she has been since I came into her life (she was 20).

I think you’re right: there’s something incredibly strong about me, thank you. That something incredibly strong is in you too, and in your husband.

It’s the weak people who close their hearts and become rigid and unreachable, not because they were born weak, but because of a series of events and circumstances in their early lives.

🌿 Anita

Good Wed afternoon, Nea 🌿

I’m having a peaceful day so far, keeping a eye on 2 beagles chewing bones on the carpet below me, to my right, while I’m sitting on the lounge typing to you on the phone. That’s a good day in my book 🙂

You are welcome, Nea, truly a pleasure talking with you.

It’s not surprising to me that your mind keeps going back to the situation, a situation that’s still happening right in front of you (in the sense of what is not happening, that is).

I believe that the opinions that your husband should initiate a polite interaction with your father, if implemented, are dangerous because they’ll cost your husband his dignity aka self-respect.

It won’t harm him physically, it will harm him where it matters just as much: how he feels about himself.

I’m glad that your husband has been nothing but supportive and taking care of you and the baby ✨️✨️✨️

“I think part of me still wonders, even seeing all of that, isn’t there some soft spot in my dad’s heart…”-

I wondered something similar in regard to my mother and kept hoping and waiting and hoping for.. well, for half a century, for that soft spot to translate to love and safety for me. It was only a few years ago that I realized that that soft spot was covered and locked by a steel door that can’t be opened 😔

I’m still grieving the mother I hoped to have one bright happy day.

❤️ Anita

Good late afternoon, Confused:

I intend to reply further in the eve, but for now, in regard to:

“In reality I don’t like my life, so I look for something/someone to blame.”- I find it strange that we hardly ever talked about your life outside the relationship 🤔

All that comes to my mind in regard to your life outside the relationship is that you are working (don’t know your level of satisfaction or dissatisfaction at work), have coworkers and friends, you love to ride your motorcycle… your relationship with your father is not genuine.. troubling; I think that you and him aren’t living together but very close to each other, same neighborhood, I think you said. Now I wonder how often you spend time with him and how he affects your state of mind. What about siblings, I wonder.

Of course, you don’t have to share anything you prefer not to.

I’m bamboozled 😕 by the fact that I don’t think I asked you about life outside of her.

Anita

Hey Confused: 🙂Looking forward to read and reply in the eve (too hot, humid and smoky, here to concentrate)

Good Tuesday Morning, Confused:

Maybe she had moments of being excited and ready for the trip.

“I reminded her…”- and Confused thinks HE has poor memory 😁

Anyone, any boyfriend would trigger her wound sooner or later, no matter how careful. Neither her wound nor it being trigerred is your fault or responsibility to fix.

I wonder what was behind her smirk. Do you know?

“I can be there for her and show her that I won’t repeat the same thing”- it’s a good thing that you won’t repeat talking about exes. Unfortunately, trauma wounds such as hers don’t disappear no matter how careful you may be.

I’m glad that you felt a bit happier but sad (not surprised though) that what followed was a disconnected feeling.

What I said right above, about her trauma wound not disappearng- the same is true about yours.

Earlier this morning, I reread your post from 8 months ago (Dec 22) where you shared (I’m paraphrasing because using the phone, I don’t have the message in front of me), how “calm” in a relationship makes you anxious or bored, and intensity makes you feel alive.

What I figure is that drama with her (fights, her breaking up with you, then coming back, then texting you at 2:30 am, etc.), gives you an adrenaline rush (similar to the rush you experienced when your parents fought, physical fights that sometimes included you), and then the adrenaline subsides and you’re left with feeling low, loss of pleasure and feeling disconnected.

What thinks Confused?

🤔 Anita