I’ve been using my phone, so I was looking at page 10 as I replued a little earlier. Now looking at page 11. My input:

Your husband needs you to “give the topic some breathing space” because he needs some breathing space. His mentioning of separation was motivated by his need to breathe, to find refuge from Pressure.

What you’re saying is that you’re too anxious to stop pressuring him?

Your husband acknowledged that he had hurt you when he mentioned separation, and he apologized to you.

That’s not anything your father ever did- acknowledge that he had hurt any of his own 2 daughters, and apologized to either one. Did he?

The vertical/ power over strategy works because no one expects accountability (for mistakes and wrongdoings), flexibility or grace from someone who will not give it- so the pressure and criticism is not directed at the perpetrator (your father) but at their accountable, flexible-able victim (your husband).

You asked how “to look at the situation as neutrally as possible”- how about looking at the situation not neutrally but as it truly is?

🤔 Anita

Good Monday afternoon, Dear Nea 🙂

I wanted to add to my reply from yesterday: the pressure you’re feeling is coming from your father’s behavior and the long history behind it — not from your husband. Your husband is reacting to exhaustion and the strain of the situation he found himself in. The real conflict is between the vertical structure in your family and the life you and your husband are trying to build.

When I say “vertical structure,” I mean a power‑over pattern where one person stays in the top position and everyone else is expected to submit and adjust around them. In that kind of system, there’s no equality and no real respect — the dominant person sets the emotional tone, decides what’s acceptable, and never apologizes or softens.

Your father has lived in that top position for years, and the pressure you’re feeling now is coming from that structure, not from your husband.

🌿 Anita

Hey SWolf:

I asked: “How does fear feel in your body?” You answered: “mainly tense muscles and sweating”-

That’s your brain running away from something, or toward something, running and sweating- before the body even moves.

The mind/ brain- it easily runs 100 km per hour while the body didn’t even move a centimeter.

Think of a 2-hour movie, 10 or 50, or a 100-years-action take place in 2 hours.

My healing has been about removing myself from the big-screen movie theater section of my mind (running 100 km an hour and getting nowhere fast), and placing myself in the real-life here-and-now, just this moment, this little moment, right now.

Trusting myself has been about trusting myself as a here-and-now human being, not a failed movie star who failed to move Fast and win Big.

You ended your last post with: “like chasing one after another improvement loop that’s never ending.”-

– “chasing” => muscles tense, sweating.

This brings to mind a tattoo I saw on a young woman’s arm recently (in the dog park I frequent), it says (I paraphrase, you can look it up, it’s something an Australian poet said):

‘What if I Fail?’ And the answer: ‘But my darling, what if you Fly?’

Thing is, it doesn’t have to be movie-like, huge Fail or Fly. It can be a bit of a fail, a bit of a fly- nothing to get tense about, nothing to be sweating about.

The humility of being a human being.

What says SWolf?

Anita

Hey Confused 🙂

Yes, he’s 👴(but with long hair and lots of tattoos)

I hear you — going all‑in feels meaningful to you, and I’m not arguing with that. What I’m pointing to is something different: when “all‑in” turns into giving a relationship power over your motivation, your mood, and your direction.

Enjoying intensity is one thing; losing yourself inside it is another. (You said on Sept 5: “I was more active in my life and I was enjoying things more… I would get motivated… but everything lost its meaning.”)

You can still go all‑in without handing over the steering wheel of your life. That’s the part I’m talking about. 🙂

Anita

Good late Sunday morning, Girija 🙂

About the gaps you noticed in your new team- has your tendency been to see gaps/ imperfections as bigger than they truly are, as dangerous?

I’m asking because I want to make sure I understand.

If I do, it’s like living in an earthquake zone, fearing any tiny shake may mean a catastrophic earthquake.

When you wrote “anticipating non stop”, you mean anticipating disaster/ the next earthquake (or tsummnami), so to speak?

This tendency would be a direct result of growing up in an acutely unsafe home.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is about challenging catastrophizing thoughts and bringing them down to earth, as in- not every problem is as big as it feels.

Correcting distorted/ catastrophizing thoughts => lessening the anxiety and alarm that naturally accompany such thoughts.

Did we talk before about CBT?

Looking forward to your thoughts, Amazing Girija 🙂

🌿 Anita

Good Sunday morning, Nea 😊

The smile emoji above, and the one on my face right now is about “But we are moving soon!!”!

“Lately, he also has barely acknowledged my baby at all, which I find really sad… he doesn’t really bother much with her. He has indirectly said things to my mom about it being because she is ‘so small,'”-

I know he didn’t mean it as criticism of your baby daughter being ‘too small’ for him to attend to.. but it may be his beginning criticism of her. I’ll write more in a moment.

Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

It looks like you didn’t read my most recent post an hour and a half ago, about the conversation this evening with the Greek guy.

Yes, I understand: 99.44% long- distance can feel very meaningful.

Whatever it is, you gave her too much power over your mind and life. It’s like you sacrificed your own motivations.. for what?

🤔 Anita