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I just randomly and suddenly fell out of love

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  • #82440
    Jaz
    Participant

    I was madly in love with my boyfriend. We’d speak everyday and got on so well. Sexually things are fantastic. I felt so in love and I felt like I was falling more and more in love with him everyday. Everything seemed perfect.

    Then one evening I suddenly just thought “I’m not in love with him anymore.” That was 3 weeks ago now and the feeling still hasn’t come back. I’ve cried everyday and feel so depressed about the fact. I don’t want anyone else. He’s the most amazing person and so good for me. The day before I felt that way I’d even daydreamed about being engaged to the guy.

    I’ve fell out of love before but that was for genuine reasons. Breakups, not getting on, not actually being in love in the first place, etc. There’s no reasons here and I’m heartbroken. I don’t believe anyone else could be so good for me. I really want to keep trying because I really feel that we’re worth it but I’m so scared.

    Any advice?

    #82446
    katie
    Participant

    I am going through something similar. I am trying to figure out if I am in love with my (now) ex or if i just feel an attachment..

    I think it is possible for anyone to just fall out of love. It sucks and it doesn’t always make sense. Maybe that person was in your life for other reasons, just as significant, but other reasons.

    What are you scared of?

    Do you want to be with someone your not in love with?

    I don’t think I would want someone to be with me just because it appears to be perfect. Search the difference of loving and being in love..

    You are not a bad person for not being in love with them anymore. Some times, i believe, we think our soul mate means its meant to last forever, but in reality it was there to teach us something.

    I hope this helps.

    #82457
    anita
    Participant

    Dear nospeaknewspeak:

    You fell out of love with this guy for no apparant reason but there is a reason, could very well be FEAR. The day before you daydreamed about getting engaged to him and the next day you got scared. Get in touch with your fear, get to know it, maybe share it with him, and you can move beyond it and back to that loving feeling- or even a stronger loving feeling….

    anita

    #95898
    Durga
    Participant

    Oh my god its been 2 days. We went to a date and we had an amazing day but at night I started getting weird thoughts and now its just as if I just dont recognize him!! We’re completing an year in a few days…everything was going perfectly fine and now suddenly I dont feel anything for him he’s like a stranger to me I dont associate him as the person I love and I’ve no idea what to do…I’m really scared.what if the feeling doesnt return?? I’ve told him about this and he’s devastated. I’m pretty sure he’s my soulmate and I’m not giving up on him and so isnt he…I just hope everything is fine again. Its good to know that I’m not alone who’s going through this…I was planning our anniversary date for over 8 months now..we even decided to get married once we’re independent but now this suddenly…i dont know what’s happening anymore….I’m whoozy and tired and depressed all the time…

    #95904
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Durga;

    Maybe you dissociated. Maybe you got real scared and you froze as a result. The three responses to fear in nature is Flight (run away), Fight or Freeze. If an animal cannot run away and has no chance to win fighting, it freezes, stops feeling anything at all, goes into a trance of sorts… while in the claws of the predator, even feeling a kind of pleasant kind of feeling (from record or people who survived such experience). Some call it nature’s last mercy for an animal about to be eaten, not feeling the pain.

    So maybe you are scared and you froze. If so, you can thaw. Thaw by sharing your fear with another, with your boyfriend, being comforted by him… there is no shame in being afraid and in the natural responses to fear.

    Is this the case? If it is so, feel free to share here, if you’d like…

    anita

    #167998
    Guy
    Participant

    Hi,

    Just picked up this thread after Googling “suddenly falling out of love”, and wondered what happened next for you guys.

    I’ve experienced a really disturbing loss of feeing for my partner. We’ve been together for 8 months, which I know isn’t a long time, but I knew from early on that there was something special about our relationship. As recently as two or three weeks ago we were discussing moving in together and generally I felt really excited about our relationship.

    I guess recently I’d been feeling a bit frustrated by some recurring (but pretty minor) arguments we’d been having, but although there was maybe a bit of resentment on my part, I always wanted to resolve the situation.

    About 10 days ago, though, I saw him and felt what you’ve described above, a complete loss of feeling for him. I feel like my mind has suddenly done a complete 180, and rather than planning my diary around seeing him as I had been a couple of weeks ago, I’ve just wanted to get away when we’re together.

    I feel devastated as I know the depth of feeling I had for him and how amazingly perfect we are for each other, and now I feel like I’m losing all of that happiness, intimacy, hope for the future etc.

    After days of pretending everything was normal, I let on in a very gentle way that I was feeling a ‘distance’ that to do with a build-up of frustration over our arguments. But he is very instinctive and knows something is wrong.

    Is it possible to suddenly fall out of love with someone who you know deep down is the right person for you, and someone who you usually have an amazing time with?

    Any advice/reassurance would be so helpful because this is killing me, and I just don’t want to lose him.

     

     

     

    #170527
    Ben
    Participant

    Everyone in this thread is describing something called “avoidant attachment”.

    Here’s why it’s happening. When we are babies (and children) our relationship to our parents is a matter of survival. If our parents are well attuned to our needs we grow up to have security and confidence with intimacy in our adult relationships. Once we attach to someone, we stay attached. This is called having a “secure attachment style”.

    However, if our parents don’t meet our needs, are distant, or abusive, or in some other way not attuned, then since attaching to them is about pure, raw, animal survival to us… not getting our needs met literally TRAUMATIZES us. Our amygdala, which is the primitive fight or flight part of the brain, thinks we are going to die, and the memory of that feeling is stored there forever to prevent any future such catastrophes. This is called an “insecure attachment style”, of which there are two categories: Anxious (the fight response) and avoidant (the flight response).

    So how does insecure attachment play out in adulthood? Well, as grownups when we attach to a romantic partner things will at first seem good. This is because oxytocin in the brain (the trust and empathy hormone) is silencing our amygdala. However, once this honeymoon period wears off the amygdala comes back online, and the fact that we are attaching triggers its defense mechanisms. If you are anxiously attached this will cause you to assertively or even desperately pursue your partner to maintain the connection, for fear that they will abandon or hurt you. If, on the other hand, you are avoidantly attached, which all of you seem to be, the amygdala will attempt to sever your connection to your partner so as to make an escape. The sense of disconnect, loss of attraction and maybe even strong irritation you are suddenly feeling for your partner is a survival mechanism. Your amygdala thinks attaching to a person is dangerous to your very life, and it is telling you to RUN. In order to do so it will pull every trick in the book. If you listen to it you’ll find yourself rationalising the fact that you’re leaving a wonderful partner who is good for you. It will be hard to resist. After all, part of your brain literally thinks your life is at risk because you have become close to someone. It’s going to do everything it can to save your life.

    The bad news is… this will keep happening with every person you attach to, because your attachment style is your attachment style for life. You got traumatized as a child and it has impacted upon your brain. But there is hope. If you work hard at it, attachment styles can change, but you have to take action. If the relationship is good, and it almost certainly is from what you’re all saying, stay in it. Let your partner soothe your fears if they can. Be honest and brave and vulnerable with them about your problem and what is causing it. You need them to be accepting of who you truly are, and in a sense that’s at the very root of the problem: if you’re insecurely attached then chances are you feel like who you really are is not truly worthy of being loved (trauma when we’re little does that to us).

    In the meantime, get therapy with someone who’s an expert in attachment disorders. This is serious and it will have a major affect on your relationships FOR LIFE. It is well worth speaking to a professional. It’s a process. It takes time. But you can achieve, with time and effort and acceptance from your partner and a therapist, what is referred to as “earned secure attachment”. What you didn’t get when you were young you can still get later. The brain has neuroplasticity, but you have to realize there’s a problem and make a concerted effort to solve it. See a therapist and talk about your childhood. Work on addressing the underlying trauma, and work on strategies that will help you become more secure. Don’t delay.

    Good luck.

     

    #205599
    Myr
    Participant

    Hello to all. I am going through the same situation. Jaz, are you still here? I was wondering what happened…

    #217541
    Ostan
    Participant

    The very same thing happened to me just two nights ago.   I lost that “IN LOVE” feeling.   It was sudden … no apparent warning signs, nothing.   And that’s what makes it SCARY.    I went to bed after I had finished polishing his shoes and after I had prepared and eaten our evening meal.   I was feeling tired and exhausted after a fun filled day of activities … working out at LA Fitness for two hours, then driving to Titlow beach for a dip in the cold waters of Puget Sound.   It was a normal “settling down for the evening” routine.   Nothing out of the ordinary.   Jet and I lying next to each other.   Every 30 minutes he’d get up to go to the bathroom; and because he has difficulty sleeping … especially on warm nights, he’d go into the other room to sleep sometimes.   He was in the other room to sleep of course … nothing new I thought.   Him sleeping in the other did play with my mind a little bit, but I thought nothing if it.   It was a normal routine for him that I’m learning to accept.   Then he’d walk back into the room I was in and lay next to me.   An hour or so as we both laid in bed together, in a spoon position, with my back facing him, I suddenly woke up with this inquisitive look on my face.   I woke up with this awful terrible empty feeling inside.   And I felt it in my heart — you know that broken aching feeling.   The feeling of “totally and completely in love” I had for Jerry for one and a half year was gone … vanished, disappeared.   I looked at the wall and I FELT NOTHING FOR THIS MAN.    I was scared to my wits … absolutely frightened.   I kept muttering to myself “no, no, no, god no, this can’t be happening, what happened, where is it, what’s going on, … what’s happening to me, omg, … god no, please don’t take my love away for this man, please god, please don’t, …. no, no, I love this man so much, … please god, please don’t …. someone please help me.”   I was hysterical.   Tears began to fall from my eyes and I bursted out sobbing, crying uncontrollably.   Jerry reached over to me and gently said  “honey what’s the matter?    I didn’t want to answer him.   I couldn’t.   How could I.   What would I say.   I continued to cry and cry.   Then something inside me said to tell him … to be honest with him and up front.   But I was afraid … I wasn’t sure how he’d take it.    I don’t want to hurt him I said to myself.   But that inner voice kept saying to tell him…. tell him.   So I did.    I said my love for you isn’t there … it’s gone.   I said it feels as if my heart has been drained of all the love I had for him … like a balloon that had lost all its air in it.   And Jerry, my sweet lovable caring Jerry kept saying, “ I don’t understand, I don’t understand honey.   How could Love just vanish and disappear like that honey.   I don’t understand.   It’s just a Dream honey.  You were just having a bad dream.   I never heard such a thing.”     But I kept crying because I know it can and it did happen ….. to me.   To us.   I FELT NOTHING FOR HIM.   AN AWFUL EMPTY NOTHING.   But I kept talking.   I said just keep talking, look him in the eyes, cup his face gently with your hands and just say how much you love him, how much you adore him, how happy you’d been, how terrific today was spending the day with him … just talk, keep saying loving and caring things I said to myself … peppering his face and lips with gentle kisses, taking him into my arms and hugging him tightly, looking deeply in his eyes … pouring out whatever love I had left in me … that same love I had three hours ago.   In my heart I knew it would return …. that incandescent love I had for him.  I knew and believed deep in my heart that it would return.   After about 45 minutes, I finally began to calm down.   I wasn’t as fearful … wasn’t as afraid that something I had valued with my life was forever lost.   I stopped crying and I began to feel the love I had for him again.   The familiar undying love, care started to return.   My world settled back down to normalcy.   That awful nightmare slowly disappearing into the darkness from which it came.   I kept peppering his face and lips with gentle kisses.   But I also knew this experience was far from over.   I kept processing what I had just went through.   The inner voice said if you want the love for this man to flourish and grow, you must be completely open with your feelings and not hide them and not keep them pinned up inside.

    #230091
    Ringo
    Participant

    Hello Ostan and everyone,

    I was wondering if you were still around. How has it been for you? Did that happen again, did you get over it?

    I think I am going through the same thing and when I stumbled upon your post, I was shocked at how accurately you described what I felt ever since this thing with losing all my feelings happened. I am putting up a fight every day.

    II hope you are all doing fine.

    All the best

    Ringo

     

    #300115
    Bella
    Participant

    Hello-

    I found this thread recently and have been reading it over and over as it resonates so closely with something that’s happened to me. My boyfriend and I decided to move in and ever since that decisions I’ve had feelings described as above. After moving in, I was plagued with severe anxiety over the feelings I was having. Anxiety has stabilized, but now I’m feeling detached. All I want is to reconnect with this partner and enjoy our new home.

     

    has anyone found ways to work through the sudden loss of feelings and get them back?

    #302757
    Valerie
    Participant

    Hi everyone-

    I recently found this thread and although my story is not exactly the same, I would like to share it and hopefully get some advice because I feel like my ex may be going through the same situation.

    He and I have been dating for almost a year (11 months to be exact). It ended last November. Everything was perfect. He had to travel for his master degree. From the beginning of our relation (we started as friends for three months and then made it official on the fourth one) he told me he planned on traveling to earn his masters and that it would only be a couple of months (11 months). I was fine with it. Besides, I had a year ahead before he left. He flew abroad in September. Everything was perfect. We spoke every day and every hour as if he was still there so if felt like the distance didn’t exist between us. Three months into the LD he called me to tell me he is having a hard time and that he misses me a lot and that the distance isn’t easy for him. We spoke and said we would work on it. Three weeks from that call, he ended things. He said he doesn’t know why but he just doesn’t feel the same; that he doesn’t love me anymore. That the spark he once had is gone. It broke my heart. Mind you, we were supposed to meet in a month when he broke it off. I tried to make him understand that distance does that to people and that’s when we should be stronger than ever. He refused to listen and said he doesn’t think that seeing me would make his feelings come back (not determined, he just thought this). First thing I thought was that maybe he met someone. My ex and I have always been honest with each other. It was our authenticity with one another that made our bond. If he met someone, he would have told me. That’s a fact. So I asked him and he said there is no one. He cannot explain why, but the feeling was gone. He was supposed to come back to meet his family and friends but he didn’t. He had financial difficulties and couldn’t buy a round ticket back home. After the breakup I gave him some space and waited until I was ready to contact him again. Hoping when I did he would have felt differently… He did not. Eventually we spoke regularly. It felt as if we were still together. The more we spoke, the more he got confused about his feelings. He then explained to me that he is unsure of his feelings and that it may just be the distance. He said he still cares a lot for me. So, we both agreed that we would stay in touch and wait until his return in a couple of months to sort this through.

    A week ago he told me he was done with his masters and should be coming back home in a month. I was so happy. Then I asked him if he felt excited. That’s when it hurt the most. He said he doesn’t think we can work out because he still doesn’t feel the spark. He said he thought the excitement of coming back would be the answer. He said he is excited to see me, but only as a friend and that he will always care for me. I felt broken. A few weeks ago he was confused of his feelings for me. Now, he says he is sure because of his not so exciting feeling of seeing me again. He explained to me that he believes at first it was the distance. Then with time passing by he just grew with the idea of not having me there and that time passing was what caused all of this. I instantly felt that maybe I shouldn’t have stayed in contact with him and that I should have left him missing out so he can miss me more. But I was too afraid of losing a friend in addition to losing a bf. I still cannot grasp this. My intuition keeps telling me that once he sees me it will all come back. The attraction will return. Moreover, all the while he was there he never dated anyone. All he wanted to do was come back home. Now that he is coming home, he feels that way.

    To get back to my very first phrase, I do think that maybe he’s gotten into this avoidant attachment as Ben explained. He is a logical person and doesn’t like letting his emotion control things. Knowing him so well, I do believe that the distance was so hard for him so he grew into avoiding the attachment so he can just go on easily. And since he isn’t back yet, his mind just keep telling him that there is nothing so he can survive this. Which then would explain his lack of excitement. Since his mind has convinced him of this, he believes there is no one to go back to. That he didn’t leave anyone back home. He still has pictures of us together. Plus, he said he wants to see me and hopefully we can have coffee when he gets back. I know that doesn’t mean we will get back. I was just hoping to get more insight from other people who may have experienced this. I also know that it is possible that distance is the sole reason for this. But, by reading this thread, I’ve come to believe that if Ostan was able to find the love back why can’t him and I?

    It’s even worse when you’ve been dating someone who has become your best friend. If my presence is unable to spark things up again, I’m afraid I will lose a best friend forever. I won’t be able to stand seeing him with someone else if he meets someone new.

    I am opened to all comments.

    #302783
    Arkaprava
    Participant
    #338428
    Hannah
    Participant

    I have no idea if this thread is still being looked at but I swear this is the only discussion on the internet that has understood what I’ve been going through.

    I’m not often quick to trust in relationships, and it takes me a while to warm up to someone. Two years ago I met a man who became my best friend for over a year. He was there for me in every way, and we slowly became inseperable. People would even joke they would come to our wedding, before we had even considered dating. We then decided to forego our friendship and become girlfriend/boyfriend, as it just seemed a matter of time – it was magnetic.

    Soon, for the first time, I felt I had met the love of my life. And as I say, I’m incredibly cautious usually (it once took me months to even call a guy I was dating my boyfriend!), but this was all so easy, relaxed and natural. Not only was it electric and incredible, he also challenged me and confronted me in ways I needed. It was hard work and very rewarding. Without even thinking about it I assumed we’d be together for years. It felt like a relationship I could grow in and really learn about myself and him.

    Then in December, a week after our lovely one year anniversary, it was like an emotional shutter came down. It was like I didn’t recognise him. I tried to look at pictures of him to remind myself how I felt, because I had absolutely, completely forgotten how I had loved him. I felt nothing. It was horrifying.

    I tried so much. I tried casual time away from him, I spent weekends with him, I went on dates with him. Like people have said above, when I have been with him I have felt that love sometimes come back, sometimes intensely, sometimes briefly. Sometimes I wanted space, sometimes I felt so keen to see him. But all the while I couldn’t stop analysing myself, keeping an eye on my feelings, how I felt, measuring whether the love was coming back or not. Like obsessive analysing behaviour. But overall I thought things were really improving.

    Then I went away to visit my family, and since that point my mind has been OBSESSED with breaking up with him. Just so I can stop this anxious spiral of analysis going through my mind; I just had to own that the love I once had still was not there.

    We are now on a month’s solid break without communication, until I start figuring this out. It has been helpful to have the space. I have started seeing a counsellor for help in this as I believe this is deeply psychological. I very well may be a very severe case of “avoidant attachment”, as mentioned before. Perhaps being away from him has made this worse?

    The worst thing about this is that THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE to me, in a previous relationship, around the same timescale. I had certain reservations about that boyfriend, and so when it ended I let it happen, but still it was a similar thing. A revelation, instantaneously, that I couldn’t be with him anymore and it needed to end. Not clear as to why, but you should.

    I hope this is not a continuing issue for anyone else above. This has absolutely decimated my home life, career, sleep and confidence. I’ve come to terms that the only way left is to let the relationship go mentally, stop trying, and see what feelings naturally come back. At the very least I have to hope that with the help of my counsellor I can get to the root of this, as it feels like nothing stops this happening again to the next potential partner.

    Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. It is wonderful to know I’m not the only person who has gone through this horrific experience. I thought I was going mad.

    #339632
    Jay
    Participant

    Hi

    this is happening to me as well, I don’t know what going on with me. I love my boyfriend so much and he means the world to me the thought of loosing him terrifies me. I met him at work and he asked me out it took me awhile to fully like him, but I did. We had good sexual and dating time. I would think of future with him. I would think of our kids. There was a time we’re I would get jealous at him bc I’m very insecure and o felt like one day he would leave me for someone better, so everytime I see him with someone at work it made me feel bad. It would make me cry but I knew he love me and I would tell him and everything would be fine. One day I woke up and it felt weird it felt like we had broken up and made felt like I didn’t love him and it made me very anxious I got depressed like how did I wake up and not feel anything it a been 2 months and I’m still struggling as well as with my sexuality. I’m always going back and forth with everything. I love him and I love havi no sex with him but every since this happen I can’t stop but when I’m with him it’s like everything gone but at the time I get anxiety and scared

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