April 8, 2020 at 2:45 pm #348168AnaParticipant
Does anyone know if this gets better? I have been in love with my boyfriend for 7 years, we are long distance but I always thought our relationship was strong, a few weeks ago he spoke about breaking up with me and it was painful but we talked everything over, agreed to a few different relationship boundaries and now he says he is happier and more in love with me than ever and sees me as a big part of his future. But from my side it’s as if over night my feelings have vanished, I feel the same as the people above, looking at him and feeling like I might as well be looking at a stranger, going back through old photos to try and kick start some emotions. I was so deeply in love with him, I thought he was my soul mate and I really want us to try and make this work, I just want my feelings back! Does anyone have any positive stories about recovering from this?May 3, 2020 at 9:59 am #352762NathalieParticipant
I don’t know if this at all describes anyone’s issues but this happened to me 3 years ago with my boyfriend.
When we met, we instantly clicked. He checked all the boxes on my “list of a perfect partner”: devastatingly handsome, kind, fun, open-hearted, generous etc. He constantly challenged me, pushed me and made me grow – it was hard, but great.
We were together for 1.5 years, a mostly wonderful time. He did have some problematic traits which started appearing throughout the relationship, and we argued from time to time, but not often and never seriously.
One day, I woke up, went outside with a cup of coffee, watched the sun rise, and suddenly, it hit me like a bullet: I didn’t want to be with him anymore.
I couldn’t deal with the feelings. It was painful, frustrating, scary – everything everyone has described. Everything hurt.
I will fast forward the weeks of turmoil, of seeing him, of unhappiness turning into disgust, anger and irritation at myself and at my partner
On week 5, it happened. I was at a party, met a guy who was going through something similar, had a long, deep conversation with him and – cheated.
I was broken. I told my boyfriend the next morning crying my heart out. He was so hurt. He kept trying to fight for me, although I was certain at that point there was nothing to fight for. I wasn’t worthy of him or of his efforts. The messy way this relationship ended is the thing I will possibly regret most for the rest of my life. I hurt him so much, because I was a coward. I hated myself and my self-destruction.
Less than a month after this occurrence, I met someone. How unfair is the world? I ruin a relationship and hurt someone, then meet someone new. But this guy was different. He wasn’t like anyone I had ever dated. He wasn’t pretentious. He was fun. He was honest. He was real.
In the past 3 years, I have gone from being a broken mess to becoming whole. I have spent every day with this other guy since the day I met him. It took me 4 months to call him my boyfriend because I felt so guilty about my ex.
I have felt guilty for a long time. I wish I hadn’t hurt my ex so much. But after being loved by my boyfriend, I can finally say that what I had with my ex wasn’t as good as it seemed.
I think, in the end, that you can fall out of love for various reasons. Maybe it is a phase with your soulmate, maybe it is a sign from the universe to end things. Wait and see, and be kind to yourself. Don’t rush anything. Life will go on, no matter what. But please don’t listen to other people, just listen to yourself and your heart. And don’t stay with someone if it doesn’t make you happy. It will turn out alright.December 19, 2020 at 9:31 am #371376LolaParticipant
Like everyone else, this happened to me a few days ago. Except I panicked and broke up with my now ex. I wish I’d seen this thread beforehand. I know the thread has been open for a while but I wondered whether anyone was able to recover their feelings?December 19, 2020 at 10:08 am #371386
I hope other members who posted in this thread since 2016 will reply to you. If you do not receive replies, and you would like to- you are welcome to share your story here, or start your own thread (go to Forums at the top, choose a Category, scroll down the page), and I’ll be glad to reply to you there.
anitaJanuary 29, 2021 at 9:35 am #373672SanParticipant
Wow, I can SO identify with everyone’s experiences on here, especially yours Hannah. Sadly for me is the fact that I also just without any warning, fall out of love, at the 8monrh mark. Every time. 8 months. Like clockwork. 7 or 8 relationships with exact same thing. Wonderful men but bam, dead inside. And every time I start a new relationship and believe with everything in ke it will be different this time just to end up again, 8 months. Nothing. It breaks my heart. I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man and I’m soldiering through. 2 years now. But it’s hell. Some days I feel something but mostly I feel trapped and irritated and sad cause its not his fault. It’s so draining trying to feel love again and I know I do. In my mind, somewhere.
I read what Ben shared and thank you Ben, it makes sense. I decided that I have to share this entire thread with my partner and have a conversation.
Am I selfish hoping he’ll understand and stand by me while I’m in therapy and love me unconditionally. And then I think HOW do I stay if I see the hurt in his eyes every day. I know I’ll see it. The moment I’m honest about this.
And now I’m crying..
Anyway, hope everyone on here are OK. Don’t know how old this thread is, I’m new on here.January 29, 2021 at 10:19 am #373691
If you would like to, you are welcome to start your own thread by going to Forums above, choosing a Category and scrolling down the page. If you start your own thread, I will reply to you there.
anitaJanuary 29, 2021 at 1:41 pm #373715
“All know that the drop merges into the ocean but few know that the ocean merges into the drop.” – Kabir
“How could the drops of water know themselves to be a river? Yet the river flows on.” – Antoine Saint-Exupery
It is said we ‘fall into love” yet I wonder how such a fall is possible when Love is air that surrounds us.
So many books written on love, so many expectations, we assume I think we ‘know what love is’? How do we experience being loved? Unconditional, conditional, romantic, sex, attraction, commitment, boundaries, accountability, responsibility… growth… all words contained in the ocean that is the experience of loving and being loved?January 30, 2021 at 8:14 am #373760PeggyParticipant
What an interesting topic. I’ve never actually experienced this myself but my advice to everyone would be to go with your heart. Love is an emotion and doesn’t follow logic. If such thoughts come into your head, stop and ask yourself how your heart feels about it then you will have your answer.
PeggyFebruary 1, 2021 at 10:29 am #373885
The different ways in which people experience being loved and loving is interesting.
I agree that the experience of love involves emotions however I suspect LOVE is more more then an emotion which may be why it isn’t always ‘logical’. As seen in many of the responses a person can experience the emotions of love yet still ‘fall out of love’.
As the song goes ‘Whats love got to do with it, What’s love but a second-hand emotion? The suggestion that the emotion response of Love is a second hand experience to LOVE, not the experience all and in itself. The emotion pointing to Love, like the finger that points to the moon… it is a error to mistake the finger for the moon… it may be a error to mistake a emotion as LOVE.
A finger pointing at the moon is not the moon. The finger is needed to know where to look for the moon, but if you mistake the finger for the moon itself, you will never know the real moon.
Even the five languages of love are only ‘fingers’ that point to LOVE and not love itself. Its complicated as the language you speak, how you express your love to another, may be different then the language you hear, how you experience being love. Thus we find ourselves left “gazing at our hands” wondering What’s love got to do with it when Love is all you need…
Love transparent to the transcendent? meaning I think one must learn to see through the words, labels and emotions to “see” what the words and labels can only point to?
Seeing though is not the same as seeing past. The finger does after all play a role in ‘seeing’ the moon.February 1, 2021 at 11:36 am #373892PeggyParticipant
I stand by what I said. Love is an emotion, not the only emotion. I don’t know what Peter is trying to say here. You can see the moon without pointing to it. Love can be experienced in different ways and the experience of love may be different for every last one of us. There is nothing second hand about it. It is ours and ours alone. It cannot be analyzed. Love is our life lesson.
I may think (logic) very carefully about the words I write in my posts, but the act of responding to someone who is undergoing difficulties, is one of Love. It is motivated by love. Love itself is an unseen force. The fruits of love are visible to anyone who cares to look.
Love and light to you all.
PeggyFebruary 1, 2021 at 12:42 pm #373897
I might say Love is an emotion, not only a emotion. Perhaps it is only semantic difference? As you say Love is a unseen force suggesting a something beyond emotion, body, mind, spirit. The drop that merges into the ocean, the ocean merges into the drop…
I speak in the metaphorical and symbolic – the language of poetry. The metaphor of the finger that points to the moon, speaks of the words in which we use to describe the ‘moon’ being mistaken for the moon itself. Indeed we can see the ‘moon’ without words which may be the best way to experience it. Perhaps the desire is to share the experience, a motivation of Love, that words get in the way, as we mistake the finger for the moon.
Language limits, that is its purpose .
Another saying is that the ‘Map is not the territory’. No matter how good a map is it can never capture everything about the territory.
The fruits of love are visible yet passing though our words, expectations, filters, fears, memories… – we work for that which no work is required. In the context of the song the lyrics ‘What’s love got to do with it, What’s love but a second-hand emotion” the signer is referring to the experience of being close to someone that sets one hearts and emotions racing. The heart and emotions being a affect of the experience that may or may not have anything to do with love. As you mentioned this is where a person ought to stop and ask themselves how their heart feels however that requires a great deal of self knowledge.February 9, 2021 at 3:11 pm #374353AmberParticipant
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one going through this, but I still don’t know what to do. My situation is different than those who’ve posted in this thread. I think I was in love with my best friend who’s also a girl – and I’ve never said anything about the possibility of me being bi because she’s straight, so no matter what I knew I had no chance. It hurt sometimes, but I loved her so deep to my core that I didn’t care. I was able to spend every waking second with her and always filled with joy and emotion. We live in the same house together as roommates, but I still live back home with my parent. In June 2020 I went back home for two months, and then when I came back in September I was so excited to see her, yet the moment I saw her, it was like something switched in me completely and I just didn’t recognize her. I cried a lot. We actually ended up talking about it and for a while things were okay, but that deep feeling of love had still left my chest. It wasn’t the same for me, but there didn’t seem to be any problems, so I let it go. Recently that feeling of not knowing her has come back, but even worse. It’s like, I don’t want to talk to her, I don’t have anything to say to her, I can’t remember how to act around her. Almost everything feels mechanical and it feels like I have this huge shield over my chest because I feel so largely disconnected. I’m heartbroken because I know I love her still, but I can’t feel it. We’ve only been friends for 3 years. I want her to be in my life for eternity. But I don’t know how that would be possible if I can’t even feel a connection anymore. I want to tell her how I felt but I’m also scared if I tell her the whole entire truth that I’ll hurt her, or our friendship will completely change. There are just so many factors. I saw some people mention this being a result of an anxious-avoidant attachment style, and I really wish I could use that as my excuse, but I don’t think that attachment style reflects me. Maybe I’m wrong, but I personally think I easily let people into my life if they have the right fit. From day one that I met her, we clicked just like that. So easy. This feeling of disconnection also happened with an ex of mine from high school. It was so strange. We were sitting in this large comfy chair together in the library, but then we were told only one person could be in that seat at once, so he got up and sat in the other chair. Somehow that was the moment where everything just left me, and it was like I didn’t know him anymore. We broke up the next month, but for other reasons. Regardless, I cried multiple times while we were dating because I didn’t know what to do. I fell for him so fast and the next thing I knew, I felt nothing. The only thing I’m seeing here is that it occurred in both romantic situations. But why? I haven’t dated many people, but it has only happened with these two people. I think I’d feel better if I told her what was going on, because it helped the first time, but this second time around is really weighing on me heavily, and I just can’t lose her. I’m also not sure how she’d feel knowing I had romantic feelings towards her. Sorry I know this is long, I’m kind of just letting everything out at this point. The past week it has literally felt like I have a ball stuck in my throat because I’m so tense from worrying and trying not to push myself away from her because I’m just trying to act normal. Being in a pandemic isn’t helping either honestly, because nothing about life is normal right now. Not gonna lie, I was prepared to love her the rest of my life, no matter the circumstances. It’s funny though, because what I feel now doesn’t really feel like heartache, it just feels like a loss. When we met I didn’t view her romantically, it sort of developed because we’d jokingly flirt with each other sometimes. The more we got to know each other, the more I loved her. I can’t just let that go.February 9, 2021 at 4:00 pm #374415
* Dear Amber:
I relate to that “something switched in me completely and I just didn’t recognize her… Almost everything feels mechanical.. I feel so largely disconnected… This feeling of disconnection.. so strange.. it was like I didn’t know him anymore”-
– you describe the emotional experience I know as dissociation/ derealization, it is a way the brain protects the person from emotional pain by taking away the loving feelings. No loving feelings/ no connection=> no hurt/ no pain when a desired relationship does not materialize or does not otherwise work out.
If you would like, you can start your own thread and we can communicate there.