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I just randomly and suddenly fell out of love

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  • #382920
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Unni:

    I was not in your situation before, so I can’t tell you if I got over it. But I am okay with trying to help you understand your situation better. You wrote that you were ecstatic to be in a wonderful relationship with your amazing girlfriend. And if I understand correctly, you were ecstatic for three months before you were “suddenly struck by this overwhelming feeling of disconnect”-

    – it is possible to explain what happened to you emotionally, in this way: as the saying goes, whatever goes up, must come down. You were up emotionally for three whole months, ecstatic and amazed. Being ecstatic and amazed for too long cannot be sustained: it is too taxing for our nervous and endocrine (hormones) system to be stimulated like this for too long. So, taxed and overwhelmed, your nervous and endocrine system relaxed- a natural physiological reaction to over-stimulation. Relaxed, you no longer feel ecstatic.. for now.

    Do you think that this is a possibility?

    anita

    * Dear Bee:

    Are you still following this thread? If you do, please let me know. (I just noticed that you posted three months ago)

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #385035
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita ,can I know how long it does took you to overcome from this..I really need your help badly.Sometimes I will cry myself when I think about that.

    #385044
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Unni:

    It’s been 3 months and I’m suddenly struck by this overwhelming feeling of disconnect. Talking to her, meeting her doesn’t feel the same“-

    – when you say “feeling of disconnect” and “doesn’t feel the same”, I don’t know exactly what you mean. Would you like to describe best you can (1) what you felt for her before that you don’t feel anymore , and (2) what do you feel about her now that you didn’t feel before?

    anita

    #385179
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita how long it takes to recover</p>

    #385182
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Jayme:

    Can you start your own thread by going to FORUMS at the top of the page, choose a Category, and take it from there? I would like to read your story and reply to you on your own thread.

    anita

    #385957
    Hailey
    Participant

    Hi there everyone!

    I’ve gone through the same unfortunate incident about a year ago. I was in love for the first time and I fell in love with him more and more every day. We were so good together for 2 years but my relationship was kept a  secret from my family ( if it’s questionable to understand for u why, I’m a South Asian girl so most of the times families don’t support our affairs ) and I was in fear of getting caught to my fam because I was scared that they might try to separate me from my bf. One day unfortunately they got to knew about us and I had an argument with my family. They threatened me to break up with him ( not for any fair reasons at all ) and I cried a lot and I was so mad at them. I went to sleep that night after calling my bf and I was so much in love with him. And I woke up next day feeling such an emptiness in my mind my brain. I couldn’t even feel anything for my bf. I cried a lot everyday and I’ve been feeling numb toward him for almost an year now but breaking up with him seems so hard for me because well he’s still a big part of my life. I still wanna know what happened to me and I wanna figure it out and if there’s anyway I can recover what happened, I would. I’m still trying cause he’s all worth it and we’re worth it. But some nights I still feel that I love him but then that feeling again gets vanished and I’m depressed. It feels like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. Could someone reply to my text if there are still any of you whore reading this thread ? Thank you! God bless!

    #385969
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Hailey:

    They threatened me.. I went to sleep that night after calling my bf and I was so much in love with him. And I woke up next day feeling such an emptiness in my mind my brain. I couldn’t even feel anything for my bf“-

    – I think that what happened is that you lived in fear (“fear of getting caught“) for two years, then you experienced more intense fear when they did catch you having a secret relationship, and what happened next is that the elevated fear .. killed your feelings of love.

    I’ve been feeling numb toward him for almost a year now“- when we experience too much fear, we go numb/ no longer experiencing loving feelings. It’s natural to react to fear this way.

    anita

    #387138
    Jia_J
    Participant

    It is interesting to have been on both sides of this.  I felt strongly for someone, even love and saw all the goodness in them and even saw how they’d be a wonderful partner. But I did not feel romantic love.  So I didn’t let it go past a couple months — after I had some time to explore, to see if it was something that would grow.  It didn’t, and I was honest about my feelings the entire time.

    Recently, I was on the other side. I was with my ex for nearly a year. We were deeply in love and had many serious conversations about the future. We were part of each other’s friends and family circles. But around month 6 things started to drift a little. When I brought it up he said it was just the normal phase of getting comfortable after an intense honeymoon phase and all was good.  As time passed, we talked less, the sex was not as passionate, he became busier and busier. I remained patient but tried to bring up on multiple occasions I was feeling distant and he would respond with defensiveness.  I felt he was putting in less and less effort. He would accuse me of not understanding how much he had on his plate. I’m not sure what came first — him falling out of love, the natural progression of a relationship feeling “comfortable” or my insecurity as he started to take me for granted. But some energy began feeding off another. These things don’t just suddenly happen – there’s always a reason.  Because if you love someone (romantic love aside) and you value them as a person, you value the relationship, those things count for a lot. Far more than fickle feeling that comes and goes.  When you hinge your relationship on a “feeling” it has very little oxygen to survive or thrive.  Passion and spark are separate from love. Those things help to start a relationship and set the foundation for bonding, but they are not what sustain a relationship. If you are committing to someone and telling them you love them and see a future with them, you owe it to yourself and them to better understand the source behind your feelings, so you don’t keep repeating this pattern. Through therapy and having honest and compassionate conversations with your partner.  But please don’t treat it as a powerless emotion where the only solution is to end your relationship, to relieve yourself of guilt.  If you are focused on “recovering” the feeling, it’s a losing battle. Feelings are indications to something else and often not what you think. Often it is bc of thought patterns that are so programmed in us we are unaware. But saying ‘everything was amazing and suddenly I woke up, saw my partner and felt nothing’, is immature love (aka infatuation) and offers no insight to anyone.  All it does is indicate that you were feeding off of how this person made you feel for a time and you were not actually “loving.”

    Falling out of love happens, bc we see it as an invisible force that we are powerless to. It’s true, we can’t force ourselves to love to someone if we don’t want to. But if we value this person, we can practice how to love better.  I prefer Esther Perel’s description (via Erich Fromm I believe), it’s much more empowering:

    “Love is a verb. It’s not a permanent state of enthusiasm.  It’s not about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person.  If you just want to be dazzled, then you will have an adventure. You will be infatuated.  You will have a love story, maybe, but you won’t have a life story.  And a life story is different than a love story.”

Viewing 8 posts - 31 through 38 (of 38 total)

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