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I just randomly and suddenly fell out of love

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  • #394098
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ada:

    This is what you shared and what I understand about you from your two posts: You suffer from anxiety and from depression that gets worse around the winter months, and overall, you are “feeling very dissociative in life… like an observer in my life and the choices I was making weren’t what I wanted to do, they were things I felt like I needed to do“.

    You’ve been “genuinely obsessed… extremely obsessed with him“, that is, with your long-distance boyfriend for 11 months. You are afraid to break up with him and remain alone: “I fear I will be all alone… I’m worried that I won’t experience love and acceptance like this ever again“. You often feel guilty about what you happen to think feel and how you behave: “I feel guilty in saying my first thought was if I broke up with him…  it broke me to think I had upset him because how standoffish I become… I feel guilty…  feel like the bad guy… I just don’t want to hurt him“. Within the relationship with him, you looked up to him: “I’ve seen him to be above me in a way, I would always value everything he had to say and do whatever he would like“.

    In your first post you shared: “things that he used to say to me before now make me feel ill“.  In your second post, you detailed some of the things he said/ texted to you (at times, I will adjust pronouns):

    (1) I have no hope for our relationship, and I feel like maybe breaking up with you (said “out of nowhere” followed later by him talking to you “like normal”). When you brought up to him that you were “upset and a little shook” by what he said. He said: sorry (“and moved on”).

    (2) In regard to a girl he met at his university: “always talking about her, and things that she and him would do together, situations of her flirting with him and him being clueless and things that happened… things he helped her with and things he did for her“. After listening to a lot of such talk, you brought your concern to him, and he said: you always felt off when I spoke about her. You said: “Well how am I supposed to react to you telling me all about this other girl who doesn’t even know you have a girlfriend?”

    (3) While he attended a Christmas party, he texted you in regard to the girl: “Some guys just came up and asked me if me and ——— were dating”. You didn’t answer the text for five minutes, and his response: he sent you multiple texts and rang you, “crying and apologising profusely to me over what he had said“.

    (4) Most recently, “he brought up this dream he had a few months back where in the dream I hadn’t been replying to his texts… mumbling and leaving silence between his words but with the bits I heard it was like he was blaming me. Afterwards he just went on like nothing happened“. Next, “he brought up coming to see me… like nothing had happened“.

    From what you shared he is in the habit of apologizing compulsively, quick to say “sorry” “for everything so that habit made his warranted apologies less sincere…  no matter what I always accept his apologies even though I think some of his apologies come with him not even knowing what he’s apologising for”.

    These are my closing thoughts: I think that it will be best for you to (1) see a psychotherapist if it is possible for you, so that she/ he helps you with the fear and guilt involved with the next thing I suggest that you do, (2) break up with him.

    You have your own mental health challenges, and your LD boyfriend has his own. It is possible for two people to help each other and be better for it, individually and together. But in this case, his impulsivity and severe carelessness are harming you. By impulsivity, I mean that he says whatever comes to his mind without thinking how it would affect you, and by severe carelessness, I am referring to him talking about the other girl: it’s not that he happened to say one thing about her at one time- he went on and on about her and did so repeatedly, on different occasions. This is not… normal carelessness. It is severe carelessness, and such would harm any woman who’d be in a relationship with him.

    On one hand, he talks impulsively and apologizes compulsively, on the other hand, he gets stuck, going “very quiet and talks in very split sentences… mumbling and leaving silence between his words” – of course, he needs psychotherapy too, but like I said, the two of you do not work like a team, benefiting each other. He is harming you, being impulsive and careless. You are very careful to not hurt him, to not make him feel guilty, etc., but you can’t help him because he needs professional help.

    You shared that you are “like an observer” in your life, that you don’t make the choices that you want to make. I figure it’s your fear/ anxiety that keeps you from being a participant in your own life, making the choices that you want to make, choices that are right for you. This is something for you to work on in quality psychotherapy: to shift from an observant to a participant.

    Also, quality therapy should help you so that in the future, you will be able to choose the right guy for you: one with whom you can work as a team of two equals, for the benefit of the two.

    This is not psychotherapy, and I am not a psychotherapist, but you are welcome to post again anytime, and we can continue our conversation.

    anita

    #395692
    Ada
    Participant

    Hello again Anita,

    I broke up with him last week, he took it extremely well and tried his best to make sure i wouldn’t feel toxic or guilty. he said he felt the same way i did and that we should sever the relationship. I was extremely upset during the entire conversation because i didn’t want to break up with him but i knew it would be best. since then i’ve found myself to be struck with obsessive thoughts and actions. I cant stop thinking about what is he doing? Is he even upset? even going so far to check his likes and posts on multiple different social media. I desperately miss him and i feel like im going crazy without him. I think he’s happier without me and there’s nothing i have to prove it i just think he would be. I am unsure if this is the correct post to put here but due to the valuable help you gave me last time i wrote it in here

    #395694
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ada:

    It’s fine that you posted this update. I think that this long-distance breakup is a good choice and the fact that you’ve been obsessing about him is not evidence that it was the wrong choice. The question is why are you obsessing about him: (1) Is it that you are in the habit of obsessing in general, in regard to a variety of topics and people, past or present? (2) Is it that you are bored with your daily life, lacking purpose, meaning, a daily routine, socialization? Any other reason?

    anita

    #395698
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hi Ada.  Anita gives very sound advice, but I would just like to make a suggestion as your current experience sounds a lot like my most recent partnership was around 2 years ago.  It’s related to to attachment style.

    By his own eventual admission, he was a type if commitmentphobe, and would be described as having an avoidant attachment style.  There is a lot online about it.

    Generally, people with this attachment style fear being trapped and or suffocated by their partners, and their feelings often become frozen due to the anxiety this causes them.  When they break up, especially if their partners appear to be moving on, they are able to to experience their feelings for their partner again.

    There was lot of backward and forwarding in that relationship for me.  As I have an anxious attachment style (I don’t think your ex has this), I had to move on and cut all contact due to to my anxiety.

     

     

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by HoneyBlossom.
    #395700
    Ada
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I am an obsessive person i’m always hyper fixated on something whatever type of media or actor it may be but i haven’t experienced this happening with someone i interact with on a daily basis. This obsession is not a healthy one, i think it is toxic and out of jealousy.  A little part of me wants him all to myself, i want to be with him but i know that i should give it some time before even imagining being together with him again. I feel like I’m fighting with myself constantly. I am lacking everything, nothing feels right I used to talk with him constantly. I feel alone, he was really the only person i talked 1 to 1 with about everything on the daily basis a i think i’m just missing that right about now

    #395701
    Ada
    Participant

    Hi HoneyBlossom  I will definitely be researching these terms online just so i can be more aware !!

    #395705
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ada:

    I am an obsessive person I’m always hyper fixated on something whatever type of media or actor it may be, but I haven’t experienced this happening with someone I interact with on a daily basis” – your obsessiveness (possibly OCD) moved from one area (media, actors) to the area of a relationship.

    Nothing feels right“, you wrote in your recent post to me.

    The International OCD Foundation (iocdf. org) has a pdf on the matter, titled “‘Just Right’ OCD Symptoms“, it reads: “‘Just right’ obsessions are thoughts and/or feelings that something is not quite right or that something is incomplete. For example, a ‘Just Right’ obsession would be a person feeling that their hands are not quite clean when washing them. An example of a ‘Just Right’ compulsion is a person washing their hands until the sense of ‘incompleteness’ goes away”. Another example: “A person might need to express himself/herself ‘precisely’ in written or spoken words (even in his/her own head) – ‘working through’ wording until it meets their own standards of being ‘just right’” –

    – do you relate to any of the above, not necessarily to the example of washing hands, but…  for example, when you recently “check his likes and posts on multiple social media“, do you keep checking until you get a relief from the feeling of “nothing feels right“?

    In your earlier posts you wrote that you’ve “been overthinking it a lot“, that you’ve been obsessed with this man for 11 months (“The man I was genuinely obsessed with for all 11 months now… extremely obsessed with him“). After you broke up with him, you found yourself “struck with obsessive thoughts and actions. I can’t stop thinking about what is he doing? Is he even upset? even going so far to check his likes and posts on multiple different social media” – obsessed with him during the 11 months of the relationship, obsessed with him after the breakup, obsessed in general (“I am an obsessive person I’m always hyper fixated on something“), possibly OCD?

    In your previous posts you argued with yourself: “But I love him I know I do but I just can’t convince myself of it anymore”, and in your recent post, you shared: “I feel like I’m fighting with myself constantly” – OCD involves a lot of fighting within oneself, no peace of mind, I know it because I suffered from OCD for any years.

    Do you think you may suffer from OCD?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #396610
    Angelina
    Participant

    Hello everyone, I hope everyone is doing well during these weird times. I have been reading the blog for some days now because I recently lost feelings “suddenly” for the person I thought I’d marry.
    Anita, reading your advice to others has been so helpful! I wanted to take a moment to thank you for all of your help.
    I will share a bit of my story and would welcome any input/advice.

    I moved in with an acquaintance a year ago, a male friend. The purpose was to save money on rent and he would help me with building my own van to travel in. I didn’t know this person much but they were kind and seemed safe to be around.

    Fast forward a couple months in after moving in and after becoming better friends, he asked me on a date. We started dating and became “official ” shortly after. All of my friends told me to slow down, to take it slow, that living together and dating so soon would backfire. But I didn’t listen because this man was everything I ever wanted (or so I thought). We had so many of the same dreams and the same morals in common. We both loved dogs. It was so perfect.
    I sort of forgot about myself and my own reason for moving there, my own purpose, my own identity.
    We went from roommates to a very serious couple within 6 months, by month 9 I was a housewife with a promise ring and we added a second dog to the family.

    Suddenly, or that’s how it seemed, I started losing interest sexually, to the point that u thought something was wrong with me. We struggled with our sex life for a while, he was extremely patient and understanding the whole time. I just didn’t get why I wouldn’t get turned on.

    The issues remain. I had never strayed from a relationship before but started working remotely at a new company and had a coworker partner to check in with daily. I noticed myself becoming attracted to him and would fantasize about him. Even though I love my boyfriend. Eventually my coworker and I ended up having a brief sexting relationship. It happened twice. I hated and hate myself for it right now. I feel disgusted of myself for being capable of something like that. Why? How? My boyfriend deserves better. Now I have completely withdrawn emotionally and even more so sexually. For the last 6 weeks I have felt nothing for my boyfriend, I can’t even bring myself to say I love you. I don’t miss him, I don’t want to touch him, I want to be alone all the time now.
    I took some time to myself and asked for space, to clear my head. I started working out, I stayed with my family for a week, went to see a friend for another week. And throughout everything I never missed him. When I came back I felt like a totally different person.

    how can this happen? We just made a year in March. Three months ago I saw him as my future husband, the father of my kids. Or so I thought I did. We would have been so good together. He loves every part of me, every dark corner. That’s rare. How could I stray away so far.

    #396638
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Angelina:

    You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation! You shared that a year ago (March 2021), you moved in with a male friend, a man you didn’t know well, but he appeared to be “kind and seemed safe to be around“. Your purpose in moving in with him was to save money (to pay less rent), and for him to help you build your own van to travel in.

    Two months in (May 2021), you became “better friends” and he asked you for a date. Shortly after, you became “official“, and within 6 months of moving in with him (September 2021), you were “a very serious couple“. 9 months in (December 2021), you were “a housewife with a promise ring and we added a second dog to the family“, and as these things happened, you forgot about your plan to travel in a van.

    Before Dec 2021: “this man was everything I ever wanted… We had so many of the same dreams and the same morals in common. We both loved dogs. It was so perfect… I saw him as my future husband, the father of my kids“,

    Dec 2021=> mid-February 2022: “Suddenly, or that’s how it seemed, I started losing interest sexually…  I noticed myself becoming attracted to (a coworker) and would fantasize about him. Even though I love my boyfriend…  ended up having a brief sexting relationship. It happened twice… Now I have completely withdrawn emotionally and even more so sexually“.

    Mid-Feb=> March 31, 2022 (today): “For the last 6 weeks, I have felt nothing for my boyfriend, I can’t even bring myself to say I love you. I don’t miss him, I don’t want to touch him, I want to be alone all the time now… I stayed with my family for a week… (with) a friend for another week. And throughout everything I never missed him… when I came back, I felt like a totally different person

    Why? How? My boyfriend deserves better… how can this happen?… We would have been so good together. He loves every part of me, every dark corner. That’s rare. How could I stray away so far“? –

    – You wrote that he loves every part of you, every dark corner. I have this image in my mind: his love is like beams of light shining light into your dark corners where old hurts and fears sleep. His light awakened your old hurts and fears, and as a result, you felt them again. Hurt and scared all over again (perhaps for just a moment), instinctively and automatically (without noticing, thinking or planning), you closed the door on him so that his light does not reach your dark corners anymore, and old hurts and fears can sleep again. What do you think/ feel about this image?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 8 months ago by anita.
    #400004

    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Hi Anita,</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>You have a beautiful way of helping others, my first thought was thank goodness people like you exist. So thank you </span><span class=”s2″>🙏🏽</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>My loving boyfriend of almost a year suffers from<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>depression.This is a man who fought for me. Who had me on his phone background and laptop. Who showed up unannounced<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>with flowers. Over the top  affection for the first 8 months. Then overnight – “I don’t love you.”</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He had his first depressive episode 3 months ago – he broke up with me. I was being a bit distant/defensive<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>because I noticed he was pushing me away. Like breaking up would be so easy for him – but at the same time I felt his love so I was confused. So I got a break up text. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>The moment I said “okay” he flipped.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>He’s said “wait what now, you don’t care?!.” Then I called him and I said he should tell me in person and that this was kinda crazy and I was scared. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He said no, I have to go to the ocean jump in. He didn’t want to face me. He did. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He came over and told me he didn’t feel deserving of my love, it’s too much. That he didn’t know how to receive it – later breaking down in tears saying “this is the nicest anyone has ever been to me. I just don’t feel anything I feel numb – I feel no excitement for anything or anyone.” </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>When his emotions are<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>effected in a negative way – he bails.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>Preoccupies<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>himself with different tasks,<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>running around town. He isn’t employed and lacks a bit of purpose. Which I guess he gets from helping others endlessly.
    </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He is typically someone who experiences high spurts of energy, he goes out, plans events for his friends, dances, and gives a lot!<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>To a point where it’s awkward, I can just say “I’d love to go back to Maroc one day” and he’s getting anxiety thinking about how to make that happen. To the point where later he will break up with me because he didn’t think he could<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>take me.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″>As a result of this, he is depleted. His energy is spent and he feels worthless. Unless he’s really busy giving people everything. Until then he’s depressed again.</p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He finally went to a life coach, his depression started to fade. I told him the only way I would stay is if he started seeing a therapist. We got closer, took more trips and enjoyed our time together. He even told me he wanted to start looking at places to live together again. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He didn’t go see a therapist – until now. Months later. When this happened..
    </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He’s always dreamt of having kids, of being a young father. He overnight decided he did not want to have kids anytime soon. I instantly replied “well then that’s it – we have to break up” my heart sunk. He looked at me with confusion, wait that’s it?! And something inside of me said stay. How could he expect anything else? But I surprised him. I heard him out. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>
    I kept saying “ I have to go” but I wouldn’t. Then after I calmed down he says “I’m also finding myself thinking about other girls when you’re not there.”</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>
    he says “you don’t understand, this always happens it’s a pattern” </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He says he was deeply in love and all of a sudden he started to feel nothing. constantly Nit picking at everything in the relationship – anything to break us up. Mainly revolving around “I can’t give you everything you want/need.”</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He then says “I think we should move in together, I don’t think we spend enough time together and that’s why I’m having these thoughts when I am just chilling or bored”</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I just saw black, I told him the only solution was to break up, that how could I be so stupid to have chosen this. Then caught my fight or flight response. Saw him crying like a child shaking on the bed sitting Indian style. Saying I’m not enough I’m not enough.
    </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I hugged him – I said baby everything is gonna be okay. I am upset right now because I’m experience loss and this is my trauma response.
    </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>We can work it out, but the truth was I couldn’t. I spent the night awake next to him. In the morning I said take me home I don’t think I can do this. He panicked, he said “wait but yesterday you said we could get to “why” this was happening to me”

    I said I needed space – and left with friends. No contact for a few days. Until I sent him an article along with nice words of encouragement.</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He’s seems to be in<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>limbo wanting me to go away and being afraid to loose me. he’s afraid to disappoint me, he’s afraid to love me he’s afraid to loose me. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>This is where we are at now: </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He showed up to my house in a hurry to tell me </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>“I don’t love you anymore, I just don’t feel anything, I am numb I don’t want to be in a relationship” </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I was calm – I showed him the checklist for avoidant attachment styles. He checks every box.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>He cried when I spoke of our life and how much we created so far. But that I understood – I asked him for a hug. We cried some more. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Then he says I came in here 90% sure I didn’t want a relationship now I just don’t know again. He said I love you. That he would do the work. The morning after before he left I looked at him differently – and he said “why are you looking at me like that? And I replied “because I don’t know what will happen so I just want to see you before you go” </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He said “ baby I’m gonna do the work – though right I’ll see you again?!”</span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>we made plans to see each other that evening after therapy. I later told him I couldn’t see him he said “same” </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He was cold. He said “ my first feeling is to take a break to clear our mind and see who we are without each other but if you want a clean break I get it” </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I told him I would like to take a break, the intention is to see how we feel without each other. Grow, and see if we can get passed our attachment styles ( avoidant / anxious) </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>My question is am I enabling his avoidant tendencies with this break rather than just breaking up? </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>For me it’s best to take a break because I can look into my abandonment issues in the meantime and get strong if we break up or if we get back together know when it’s really me/him talking or our trauma. </span></p>
    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>My question is why doesn’t he just let me go? Why the I love you’s why the confusion between staying and leaving.

    </span></p>
    I’m  scared too. To be with someone that overnight can stop loving you and leave when you need them most. Iv got this now – I’m self sufficient and I want him to see I don’t need him to support me, he’s not responsible for my feelings.  I am.

    #400046
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Dani!

    My first thought is that your partner is abusive. How he is treating you is very wrong and it’s nothing to do with his depression. Depressed people don’t inherently perform these behaviours, it is not a symptom. Please don’t tolerate this kind of behaviour out of empathy.

    You’re right. The truth is that people don’t just stop loving each other overnight.

    To me, it seems like he has been trying to break up with you for a while but he has been a coward because he likes the comfort you provide. You deserve better! I’m so sorry he’s said all of these hurtful things and has been treating you in this way.

    #400064
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dani:

    I appreciate your kind words, thank you. “(He) Preoccupies himself with different tasks, running around town… helping others endlessly. He is typically someone who experiences high spurts of energy, he goes out, plans events for his friends, dances, and gives a lot! … As a result of this, he is depleted. His energy is spent, and he feels worthless. Unless he’s really busy giving people everything. Until then he’s depressed again” –

    – I wonder if he suffers from a bi-polar disorder (formerly called manic-depressive disorder). bing. com: The manic phase is characterized by Extreme happiness, hopefulness, and excitement, Irritability, anger, fits of rage and hostile behavior, Restlessness, Agitation, Rapid speech, Poor concentration and judgment, etc. The depressive phase may include Sadness and crying, Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and guilt, Loss of energy, Loss of interest or pleasure in everyday activities, etc.

    You shared that three months ago, he had his first depressive episode, and he broke up with you via text. You accepted it, and he said: “Wait, what now you don’t care?” He later told you that he didn’t deserve your love, that he didn’t know how to receive it. Later he cried, telling you: “This is the nicest anyone has ever been to me. I just don’t feel anything I feel numb – I feel no excitement for anything or anyone“. At one point, he told you that he wanted to start looking at places to live together again, at another time, he said, “I’m also finding myself thinking about other girls when you’re not there…  this always happens it’s a pattern…  deeply in love and all of a sudden, he started to feel nothing. constantly Nit picking at everything in the relationship – anything to break us up“. Recently, he said, “baby I’m gonna do the work“.

    You wrote: “I told him I would like to take a break, the intention is to see how we feel without each other. Grow, and see if we can get passed our attachment styles ( avoidant / anxious) My question is am I enabling his avoidant tendencies with this break rather than just breaking up?” – my answer: no, I don’t think so. I don’t think that you can enable or disable his avoidant tendencies. I think that you are powerless over avoidant behaviors either way.

    My question is why doesn’t he just let me go? Why the I love you’s, why the confusion between staying and leaving“? – my answer, at this point: because he is not well mentally. Clarity goes together with good mental health, while Confusion goes together with poor mental health.

    I’m scared too. To be with someone that overnight can stop loving you and leave when you need them most” – understandably, it will be scary for any person, especially a person with an anxious attachment style and abandonment issues (“I can look into my abandonment issues“)

    I’m self-sufficient and I want him to see I don’t need him to support me, he’s not responsible for my feelings.  I am” – I am glad to read that you are self-sufficient and that you don’t need him to support you. If I understand correctly, you want to show him that you are self-sufficient etc., so that he doesn’t stress about taking care of you financially. You are hoping that if he doesn’t stress about that, he will be a reliable, dependable boyfriend. Did I understand correctly?

    I would like to communicate with you further after you reply to this post.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #403184
    kr9132
    Participant

    Me and my boyfriend met in college. We have been dating for almost 8 months now, for the past 8 months we have been in just a wonderful place, never having one bad day with each other. We live in two different states for the summer so he decided he wanted to take a week and come visit me. During the week he was visiting I was supposed to show him around my hometown and where I grew up. He said he has never been the best fyler, and has always been anxious about flying. Unfortunately his first flight got delayed, so he couldn’t make his connecting flight, so then he fully cancelled that flight and got a new one. The new one, after sitting on the plane at the gate for 40 minutes, that flight got cancelled. He then proceeded  to wait in line for about 4 hrs to book a new flight. That day he was at the airport for about almost 12 hrs. He then got a new flight for Sunday morning and nothing went wrong with that flight. I picked him up when he got to the airport and he was ecstatic to see me. Monday, the next day, he woke up feeling achy and tired. We got breakfast and toured my town in the morning. When we got home that afternoon, we wanted to make sure it wasn’t covid because I had grandparents here, that probably wouldn’t do well if they got covid, he ended up testing himself and the test came up positive. I tested myself and was negative. He ended up quarantining in my room. I would visit him and sit with him with a mask on, I would bring him food and drinks when needed. He was upset that we couldn’t do anything we planned. Tuesday, I said to him, let’s go to the beach, let’s go take a walk and get some fresh air. So we went to the beach, walked around, skipped rocks, held hands, without masks. He seemed happy. We get back into the car and he says “can you take me back, I’m having these thoughts about us and am getting anxious.” So I took him back to my house, he proceeded to go right upstairs to my room, and shortly after when I went to go check on him, he was having a panic attack. He was shaking, couldn’t catch his breath, and ended up trying to throw up. He kept wanting to be left alone and he wouldn’t eat, he kept saying I just want to go home. Unfortunately because he had covid, and flights kept getting cancelled we had a really hard time trying to get him home. I woke up Wednesday morning feeling sick, I tested positive for covid that day. My boyfriend that day kept feeling really anxious and panicky and couldn’t seem to calm down so he just wanted to be alone. At one point during the day, he came to me and said “I know this is freaking you out, I have these thoughts, that I don’t like about us breaking up, but we are okay.” That night I talked to him and asked “Do you want to break up?” He bursts out into tears and says “I think I am falling out of love with you but I don’t want to be.” “I love us and I never wanted to break your heart.” I asked him when he started thinking that he is falling out of love with me. He responded “After I tested positive for covid.”  He then proceeds to say “I feel empty, nothing feels good right now, and my brain doesn’t feel like my own.” “I want to feel normal again.” We finally were able to get a flight home for him Thursday morning. We were five minutes away from the airport when we got a text saying “your flight is cancelled.” He starts to sob and say “I want to break up,” but then quickly goes “no, idk I don’t know what I want.” He ended up getting on the flight and leaving that afternoon. When he left we both sobbed in each other’s arms. He kept saying “I want to go back to normal, this is unfair, and it sucks, I wish things were different.”  Since then we have been talking but it is just different. I am confused on what to think, and how someone’s feelings could change in a matter of an hour, or even a few hours. Everyone that knows us as a couple said “he will never break your heart, he is so in love with you.” Is he just going through a depression episode and those feelings will come back? He can’t say he likes me or even loves me, but he does say he misses me, and us, and that he cares about me, and that I mean a lot to him still. He says he still only wants me but not right now.  I don’t know what to do or what to think. Should I have hope that his feelings will come back? He starts therapy soon.

    #403186
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kaia:

    “He  starts therapy soon” – good thing, he needs quality therapy and I hope he gets it! From what you shared I see nothing to indicate that he is a bad guy, a dishonest guy or anything like that. He reads like a good guy, and that a combination of his anxiety about flying (“He said he… has always been anxious about flying”), the many cancellation and 12 hours at the airport on the way to you, getting covid, being quarantined in your home, you testing positive… all that caused his anxiety to sky rocket, and understandably so!

    I suggest that you don’t engage in heavy duty conversations with him at this time, that you do your best to be gentle and empathetic with him, and that you give his therapy time to work. What do you think of my suggestions?

    anita

    #403403
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, kaia, and how is your boyfriend?

    anita

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