Hey anita

You are right, we havent talked about it much.

I used to be satisfied with my work but after november i am not satisfied with anything.. even all those things u listed i dont enjoy.
Idk i feel distant from him, felt like that with both my parents after 13 y.o mostly. We might see each other once a day, talk on the phone 2-3 times a day for random stuff and thats it. Cant hang out much with him because he is too stubborn to accept other opinions and he talks all the time haha. My one sister lives next to me, we send memes, go out to eat/coffee/shop, but emotionally not very close. The other one (they’re twins) is very much bonded with her but she lives in another house with her BF. We’re ok with her too, not too close tho.

Yeah that’s what was happening most of my life actually, i don’t know why this happens with love though..

Today we videocalled, supposedly for an hour to discuss some things, lasted 7 hours. We laughed, teased each other, there was sexual tension. We did express some other things we wanted to, she even said “well in the first week of our breakup i was holding on to the tickets, expecting u to try harder” and i said “wtf! how would i do that since u told me to fuck off-basically?” She said “well, idk, u should have!” and laughed a bit. Then i jokingly asked her if she’s single right now and she jokingly said “i dont know, probably”, so i said alright thanks for the info, ill know how i will move from now on and she said “ofc! ofc u want to chase after other girls” and we were laughing. It was very fun but i still made a dumb mistake! In the midst of my attempt to convince her that i am a “safe” person (because she said after i lied she felt unsafe to visit), something stupid came out of my mouth. I said “i don’t hold grudges and i would ofc help u if u ever needed me, for example ending up stranded in my town. I am this kind of person that would even help an ex of mine that treated me badly if she was in grave need”, but i didn’t want her to understand that i’d help any ex that called me or such. So i added “but since u are in the picture, i wouldn’t do anything, if such thing ever happened i would first tell u but i would probably do nothing, maybe send a friend to help her” she then said “well, u asked this in order to get permission from me to go help them” I said “no, if i wanted to do that i wouldn’t ask u, i am just trying to prove to u what kind of person i am, that’s why i used this extreme example” she then said “well if my ex asked me for help how would u react?” i told her that depends on the help, i would probably be fine with u giving him some help on who to call/etc, but that’s it. She laughed and said “well those kind of convos arent helping much” i told her i know but i just wanted to convince u that i would never hurt u or act negatively towards u, and she said “well if im an ex, that’s for sure”. I did ask her twice tho (one in the end of the videocall) if anything i said today seemed weird/bad to her or affected her negatively. She said “well, i dont think so” both of the times and laughed, but i know she needs like 2 days to realize if something hurt her.
She said that she’s still on “danger mode” for me, not being able to fully trust me that i won’t hurt her/lie to her because i did it once with ease and she is thinking about it all the time now, like she has 2 different people in front of her. I told her i understand and that’s too soon, but i too have a constant fear in me, that one day i will wake up to a message of hers saying “i cant do it anymore, bye’ and ill be blocked (because this has happened to me) and since she did text me this sort of message 2 nights ago now i always have it in the back of my head. She said that she always tries to communicate what she feels with me and i thanked her for that.

Now, why am i so dumb anita? why do i put myself in such non-existant scenarios?! Also i indeed have this fear inside me that one day she will just up and leave, no warnings. 🙁