Hey anita

You are right, we havent talked about it much.

I used to be satisfied with my work but after november i am not satisfied with anything.. even all those things u listed i dont enjoy.
Idk i feel distant from him, felt like that with both my parents after 13 y.o mostly. We might see each other once a day, talk on the phone 2-3 times a day for random stuff and thats it. Cant hang out much with him because he is too stubborn to accept other opinions and he talks all the time haha. My one sister lives next to me, we send memes, go out to eat/coffee/shop, but emotionally not very close. The other one (they’re twins) is very much bonded with her but she lives in another house with her BF. We’re ok with her too, not too close tho.

Yeah that’s what was happening most of my life actually, i don’t know why this happens with love though..

Today we videocalled, supposedly for an hour to discuss some things, lasted 7 hours. We laughed, teased each other, there was sexual tension. We did express some other things we wanted to, she even said “well in the first week of our breakup i was holding on to the tickets, expecting u to try harder” and i said “wtf! how would i do that since u told me to fuck off-basically?” She said “well, idk, u should have!” and laughed a bit. Then i jokingly asked her if she’s single right now and she jokingly said “i dont know, probably”, so i said alright thanks for the info, ill know how i will move from now on and she said “ofc! ofc u want to chase after other girls” and we were laughing. It was very fun but i still made a dumb mistake! In the midst of my attempt to convince her that i am a “safe” person (because she said after i lied she felt unsafe to visit), something stupid came out of my mouth. I said “i don’t hold grudges and i would ofc help u if u ever needed me, for example ending up stranded in my town. I am this kind of person that would even help an ex of mine that treated me badly if she was in grave need”, but i didn’t want her to understand that i’d help any ex that called me or such. So i added “but since u are in the picture, i wouldn’t do anything, if such thing ever happened i would first tell u but i would probably do nothing, maybe send a friend to help her” she then said “well, u asked this in order to get permission from me to go help them” I said “no, if i wanted to do that i wouldn’t ask u, i am just trying to prove to u what kind of person i am, that’s why i used this extreme example” she then said “well if my ex asked me for help how would u react?” i told her that depends on the help, i would probably be fine with u giving him some help on who to call/etc, but that’s it. She laughed and said “well those kind of convos arent helping much” i told her i know but i just wanted to convince u that i would never hurt u or act negatively towards u, and she said “well if im an ex, that’s for sure”. I did ask her twice tho (one in the end of the videocall) if anything i said today seemed weird/bad to her or affected her negatively. She said “well, i dont think so” both of the times and laughed, but i know she needs like 2 days to realize if something hurt her.
She said that she’s still on “danger mode” for me, not being able to fully trust me that i won’t hurt her/lie to her because i did it once with ease and she is thinking about it all the time now, like she has 2 different people in front of her. I told her i understand and that’s too soon, but i too have a constant fear in me, that one day i will wake up to a message of hers saying “i cant do it anymore, bye’ and ill be blocked (because this has happened to me) and since she did text me this sort of message 2 nights ago now i always have it in the back of my head. She said that she always tries to communicate what she feels with me and i thanked her for that.

Now, why am i so dumb anita? why do i put myself in such non-existant scenarios?! Also i indeed have this fear inside me that one day she will just up and leave, no warnings. 🙁

Confused, I want to go back to two things you shared because they matter more than the “ex” slip.

You said you felt distant from both your parents since around age 13, and that you still carry a fear that someone you love will suddenly leave without warning. That fear didn’t start with your girlfriend — it started long before her.

When a child grows up feeling emotionally far from the people who are supposed to be close, the nervous system learns to expect sudden disconnection. So, now, when you care about someone, your mind jumps to ‘she might disappear,’ even when she’s showing you she wants to communicate.

That fear makes you try very hard to prove to her that you’re safe, that you’re good, that you won’t hurt her. But proving isn’t what builds trust. What builds trust is consistency over time — showing up, being honest, and letting things unfold without trying to control every possible scenario.

You’re not dumb. You’re scared. And the fear comes from old wounds. You’re doing your best, and she sees that. Let the connection breathe a little. You don’t need to be perfect; you just need to be present.

What does Confused think?

Anita

Good Thursday morning, Confused 🙂

I’m ao glad to read that this morning you woke up feeling much nicer than in the previous months!

Well, the 2- letter word (ex) might come up naturally just because you’re careful about not saying it.

And you’re right, you didn’t narrate a story about an ex.

Coming to think about it more, her middle-of-the-night text 3 days ago would have scared anyone in your place (anyone who is emotionally attached).

“I do expect sudden disconnection, that’s true”-

Your body remembers (even if your mind forgot) how much it hurt to grow up disconnected from the people who mattered most (your parents). Now, you expect that she too, the person who currently matters to you a whole lot, will disconnect from you.

“But most of the time, in my head, I question what I say… like ‘do U really like her?’ and it creates a weird feeling in me”-

I figure that because you’re afraid that she will disconnect from you (turn cold and distant or break up with you altogether), you internally disconnect from her as a defense mechanism, so that it won’t hurt when she disconnects from you.

I think that the “weird feeling” you mentioned above (and many times before) is that sudden internal disconnection aka dissociation. I remember experiencing it myself, it was definitely a weird feeling.

What says Confused?

🤔 Anita

Hey anita

Thank you, felt okay during the day as well 🙂

Haha, u think this could be some case of reverse psychology? I didnt think of that.

Yes, she reminded me an old girl i was hooked with, woke up one morning out of the blue and had a message saying “im sorry i cant do it” and she had blocked me. Turns out she had another boyfriend but it took me a month to get over her (suddenly my switch flipped overnight and i didn’t even care about her existence anymore), but this still left an imprint.

I dont know, it’s very annoying because i constantly search for this “feeling”, the high, the infatuation. She texted me today some funny reels, i sent her some too, we texted for like 2 hours and she went to sleep. Convo was very warm and loving overall, but still my mind would be: “are u laughing for real now or are u faking it? why arent u feeling it in ur bones?” and stuff like that.. so stupid!

Maybe u are right and this whole thing could have begun back in november when i perceived that she “sabotages” us and my mind created a huge question mark saying “well, this is pointless” and i couldn’t stop it or not give it attention, it was so real. But the moments in the videocall were real, can’t fake that, the kiss, the hug in december were real! The grief i went through this whole month, me hugging the air on my bed and crying saying “i love u”, those were real!
Maybe i dissociate because of my fears, idk how dissociation feels like to say for sure.

Damn, i need to get better at this because i do all the things that u did to everyone, i realize it like 10 minutes after that even tho i was hearing them, i was searching for solutions at the same time, and i wanna change that.. It would be wonderful tho, yeah 🙂

Haha, how do i put aside my mind chatter? Yesterday she was talking about all her exams/studies/achievements in dentistry and in the health department in general and she was talking and talking, i was focused on her for almost the entire time, admiring her how she managed all that because they were so hard. But then my mind started zoning out, trying to visually create whatever she was narrating in my head as an image and i was trying hard to stay connected. I told her that this thing is happening to me and sometimes it throws me off convo and she laughed, said she does it too. Maybe its an ADHD thing? Im not diagnosed but damn, i have SO MANY symptoms, t-rex arm while sleeping, hand/legs fidgeting, attention troubles, memory gaps, random bursts of dopamine and excitement, difficulty focusing, hyperfocus, near every symptom!

Good late evening/ night, Confused:

Using my phone, I read one part of your post, respond, then read the next part, respond, and so on.

Glad you felt better during the day as well 🙂

Reversed psychology 🤔, yes, sounds right.

So, for a month you struggled with that other girl’s breakup, and then “the flip switched overnight”-

A disconnect-within/ shutdown as a solution to a month- long struggle? 🤔

“Still my mind would be: ‘are you laughing for real or are U faking it?’-

The cost of the disconnect-within/ shutdown solution.

All those real moments, real feelings (“the kiss, the hug… hugging the air… and crying, saying ‘I love you'”) are escaping prison (disconnect, shutdown and enjoying temporary freedom 🥳 🎶

.. “t-rex arm”- I wonder what that means, a fidgeting arm? I’ll look it up when I’m back to the computer and I will ask you know whom about the “ADHD thing”-

Well, I’ll b Back 2 U when I’m on the 🖥

Anita

Hey anita

Yeah, pretty much. I was so hooked to her and then suddenly after 1 convo with a friend, my mind just erased her, idk how that works.

Oh so u mean that my shutdown is my prison and those feelings are moments that my shutdown lifts?

I’ve read and heard from friends that are diagnosed with ADHD that t-rex arm sleeping is a position that most ADHDers feel comfortable sleeping in, because it relaxes the nervous system, and when i do it i feel so much more relaxed.

Well then, i either have had anxiety my whole life or ADHD, both are bad haha. I do have difficulties with tasks mostly and sometimes with work and time management and i think i do have chronic chaos.

Also something weird that started happening lately, when i ride on long roads that are downhill and maybe with some curves, i get so frozen/paralyzed at some points, like when u drop from a high altitude, the same kind of feeling! Gemini says because of my mental state but idk, what would Copilot say, i wonder?

Hey anita

Well then today i was only able to “access my feelings” for like 3-4 times in the day. When we would text at night, i laughed a lot with her playfulness, i cried with something i saw (thought of her) and felt some sexual tension. Weird i can’t keep them on.

Hmm, copilot sounds about right, but how does this go away? By me just chillin?