Hey anita

Im sorry I didn’t catch that, what do u mean by this whole sentence?

Hmm, isn’t that the same?

Yeah it could but i need to figure out what causes that, i mean the specific reason behind them.

Today i texted her to see how she’s doing and show her something i built, we texted all day and at some point when i showed her some cheap flights i found for cyprus to see her when she will be there, she said “we have no vehicle to drive us around here and the buses are almost non-existant” which seemed like an excuse to me so i called her out and she got kinda mad and told me about all the issues she will be facing as soon as she goes there. Family health issues that require her attention and her care, friends, family, her besties marriage, parties she is organizing about the marriage, so the schedule is hectic. I told her “Now that u finally let me into ur burdens things make more sense, u should have told me sooner so i wouldn’t draw my own conclusions. I wanna be there for you without pressuring u about “us”, focus on the other matters that are more important for now and just let us be together to have fun and blow off steam until we are in a better place mentally”. She said that “us” is also important for her and she also said she doesn’t know how the process of re-trusting goes and what we are gonna need. I told her we can figure that out together slowly, one thing at a time.
We even got into explicit texting and felt good, she said that even tho she’s mad and hurt by me, she gets angry that she still craves me and my touch, i laughed and told her to just accept things and chill.

B Back 2 U in a couple of hours 🙂

Continued:

I wrote the previous message before reading most of your message. Well, seems like you weren’t shut down when you wrote it.

The 2 of u knowing that your LDR is not in “danger” of any irl visit anytime soon, makes it easier for her and for U to feel closer to each other, I figure.

🤔 Anita

Hey anita

Oh u mean they leave small windows open that feelings come through some times?

Haha i dont know what to tell u honestly, i told her about that in the call and she refused hard. She said that she had no sabotaging fears at all, she bought things to bring over, spent money and made plans. I told her that those things work subconsciously and she refuses that again.

She texted me in 2:30 AM (3 hours after we said goodnight), crying saying “i can’t do this i’m sorry, the pain and the doubts/fear is too much”
My heart started racing instantly and i felt my stomach drop, that she will be gone for good this time. I got my shit together and started listening to her fears. It was basically trauma talking so no logic applies there. Although, i told her that it’s too soon to judge anything and we shouldn’t focus on having a relationship right now, we should just enjoy each other while we can and worry about the logistics later. I told her she’s not bound/forced to be with me, we owe nothing to each other and we should stay as long as there is love and fun, trust will be rebuild slowly if we’re open to it. She said that every time she thinks of me or us the lie i said comes in her mind and hurts her like ptsd and she cries and feels pain deep inside because she loved me and i broke her trust. I told her i am sorry and i regret it very much every day that i hurt my baby but it wasn’t that i woke up and chose this, it was my own trauma response to a situation that rose out of the blue, not to look for excuses but that’s my side of it.
She admitted that this is a wound of hers and i told her that i thought so, but still i am the one that triggered it and maybe i can be the one that can heal it, we should give it time. I explained to her that every little thing that worries her and gives her bad thoughts, etc is ultimately because she wants control, which is an illusion. At the beginning she refused but then i said “well, look at it as a third person. You worry that i will betray u and u will get hurt, do u know if i will do that? No, u can’t know, so what’s ur next step to gain control for sure ? Avoidance, flight, reject. So this way u can control the outcome, even if it hurts. Some people go mad and stalk their partners, get insanely jealous, asking for proof all the time, each has their own way of expressing this need for control, i do it too but in my head.”
I think this gave her some comfort and i hope it made her see what’s going on underneath all this fear.

Then we kept texting for the next 4 hours and we laughed a lot, the air became lighter and she went to sleep, hopefully with a more peaceful mind. I felt nice having fun with her, laughing and teasing each other and an hour ago i was feeling dysphoria/numb. I guess my body reacts to drama?

Oh, please ignore the “5 hrs, left: 700”- that’s a note I made to myself, no connection to your thread, I was going to delete it before submitting the message, but forgot.

Haha i like the emojis depiction

I dont wanna become her therapist but i tried to give her some insight of what i think so maybe it will help her, idk if its right of me to do that.

Thank you anita. Yeah, she refused that there might be subconscious fears that made her sabotage the trip. She said that she was excited and ready for it. Even tho in the videocall the other day she said “all u had to do was tell me ‘i dont remember’, instead of lying” and i reminded her that i told her twice that i dont remember and she was still asking and digging, why is that? She had no answer for this, just said “well….” and smirked.

Sadly yeah, she has to do the work inside her but i was indeed the one that made it come to surface, right? So now maybe i can be there for her and show her that i wont repeat the same thing.

Yes, i shifted the conversation and we started talking about other things, laughing, teasing each other and we had fun. Today i think i feel better, a bit happier, i even think of texting her something sweet without the previous hesitation. But there is this voice in my head sometimes that says “why u do all this? whats the point?” which disconnects me 🙁

Hey anita

Yeah i believe she did, i did too 🙁

Haha, sometimes my memory works like a clock, not often tho.

Oh yeah i told her that, even someone else or even me could trigger things, even with silly situations. I don’t mind being there for her and helping her heal, but she has to realize and do the work if she can. She does have a lot on her plate right now..

It was her realizing she was at fault and not wanting to admit it ofc 🙂

Well, we’ll see how it goes if we rebuild and be patient with each other. But anyway that’s not something difficult for me to do, even tho she was worried yesterday that she’s gonna “change” me.

Yeah i felt disconnected for the whole day, now that i got home i was thinking of her and cried a bit, thinking “my sweet babygirl” 🙁

You could be right, since i’ve always been enjoying the rush of intense passion/etc. So maybe i have to work on myself on that and accept love.

Today my therapist was asking me “how do u define love, not when u give it, but when u receive it?” I said mostly “pressure”, like i sign a contract that now i have to be a certain way with u forever or “i owe u” (weird we both feeling this way). She said she is clearly recognizing 2 selves inside me. One is the warm/loving/connecting side that emerged hugely during the breakup, fear of loss, etc. The other one is the doubtful one, the voice in my head that says “why do u even do all these? u dont even want her”, but this feeling of disconnection comes from me putting up a wall to protect my feelings behind it when i feel uncertainty from the other party. She asked me “what would YOU need?” I said i really don’t know, can’t recognize my needs, probably stability, commitment, expression of feelings, maybe those would start my gears again. And she said that probably when i don’t get those, my walls come up, so the doubtful self emerges and says things like “u dont love her, u dont want her”.

My female friend also told me (she’s 40) that i woke up wrong in november, i blamed my relationship (because thats where i was drawing all my happiness from) and my mind kept analyzing and blaming the relationship, while in reality i dont like my life, so i look for something/someone to blame. My baby girl that loves me so much, how could i blame her? 🙁

Good late afternoon, Confused:

I intend to reply further in the eve, but for now, in regard to:

“In reality I don’t like my life, so I look for something/someone to blame.”- I find it strange that we hardly ever talked about your life outside the relationship 🤔

All that comes to my mind in regard to your life outside the relationship is that you are working (don’t know your level of satisfaction or dissatisfaction at work), have coworkers and friends, you love to ride your motorcycle… your relationship with your father is not genuine.. troubling; I think that you and him aren’t living together but very close to each other, same neighborhood, I think you said. Now I wonder how often you spend time with him and how he affects your state of mind. What about siblings, I wonder.

Of course, you don’t have to share anything you prefer not to.

I’m bamboozled 😕 by the fact that I don’t think I asked you about life outside of her.

Anita