Hey anita, took some days off from forums/etc, i hope ure doing fine 🙂

I dont know how to do that (check my feelings 3 times a day)

Its been 2 weird/void days. I think the meds give me so much apathy.. im gonna wait like a week more until i reach the 4th-5th and then ill consider getting off of them. She told me she’s gonna go AWOL for some days because she feels pressured (by a convo we had that she wasn’t ready for, a personal issue of hers, some other stressors in her life) and she does that whenever she feels like that. She disappears from social media/phone for some days to focus on her and recharge. I told her i understand (even tho i felt bad) and that i love her and i cried at that moment. But then its gone, like i dont even miss her or care. It’s weird!

Hey roberta

You are right about the feelings and the silence. Its just that my mind is so obsessed with feeling good or feeling certain things that its hard to focus elsewhere..

Hey anita

Yeah she’s having a hard time with her autoimmune and the heat because it makes it worse and AC units are not allowed in Germany because they are eco-friendly, lol. I have AC unit in my house thankfully, i can’t stand the heat. The weather here is hotter than usual being only june and i think its gonna get even hotter.. well maybe i will be at the beach soaking in water haha.

She’s still suffering but thankfully the weather will get cooler in the next days so its gonna be fine. She is trying with fans and ice in buckets..
I am not feeling very well in the past days and i think it’s because of the med. It makes me so emotionally blunt that it’s complete apathy. I am out with friends, feeling irritated, not having fun, nothing goes through. We’ve been texting daily tho and today i gotta say, my mood kinda lifted in the last 4-5 hours (even tho the thoughts are still bothering me), we’ve had some spicy chats (libido came back like a 50%) and we are still sharing info about our day. I guess pretty ok overall. I have to wait 2 more weeks to see if i will adapt to the med and then maybe i will tell my doctor to think about adding Wellbutrin or maybe quitting SSRIs for good this time? I am not sure what to do..

Hey Roberta

U are not wrong but idk if that stems more out of my own fears and insecurities rather than impatience and instant gratification (even tho that is happening indeed).And yes i am seeing some patterns in me, even in real time while going through them.
Haha i hope ur clothes are folded okay!

Hey anita

Honestly i can’t remember, although he did threaten my mother that he would leave plenty of times. But i think it’s death’s finality (or breaking up, which in that case u mourn a living person) that hits the spot.

Yesterday while i was trying to sleep i had a huge panic/breakdown idk how we should call it. I started reading about sexual dysfunction in SSRIs (this is what caused the spiral and the what if thoughts) and i got so upset/panic that i was saying “i dont care about anyone and anything, i am gonna stop the meds, therapy and break up, then bury everything in my past and move on. Heart racing, body heat rising, but then i calmed down and was able to get some sleep.
Today we texted for 7 hours again, she was in a pretty bad spot, with the heatwave in germany and her autoimmune firing, she was out of breath just by standing on the couch.I tried to help her and find solutions to alleviate her heat-suffering. We laughed a lot, we exchanged sweet talk and then i stumbled upon a reel. It was animated, a man telling to his girl “thank you for choosing me and staying with me through thick and thin, through my bad days and moods. And i cried for 20 seconds, felt like sending it to her and telling her “thank you baby, i love u”, but i didnt and then the crying abruptly stopped. I even managed to feel some warm feelings for a brief amount of time and some libido with her. I am hoping SSRIs settle down and my brain chemistry returns because they do put a blanket on top of everything. Doctor said give it two more weeks and report back to him.

Hey anita

But i felt very bad waking up, like this is a sign that i shouldn’t be with her. Which is funny because a year ago i would still find other girls attractive/having dreams with them and it didn’t affect my feelings for her at all. Do u think this occured because i can’t trust my feelings or because things got more serious?

Haha yeah it was a nice thought i had, us working daily to build her clinic,but that motive of mine is gone too 🙁 (i also need to schedule cleaning!)

I dont like/enjoy life unless i have what i want, which is feelings. I think i give them too much power and affect me a lot.

You are right, it was, but sometimes my mind doubts that too. A voice saying “is it real or forced?”

Today i couldn’t reach my father on the phone (he put it on airplane mode by mistake) when he went off to work (delivery driver) and i got scared shitless, making scenarios about him being hurt, funerals, etc. I even called the emergencies to ask, but then he called me back and told me what he did. Which is weird because i was like “i dont care about anyone or anything no matter what happens” but still, this shook me. Same could be for my GF too.

Also, while we have all this amazing chemistry and she’s such a sweet girl, i still feel like “something is missing” and idk what it is!! Maybe it’s my own passion for life that i’ve lost since November, because i can’t feel excitement for anything like i said. I hope it goes away after 5-6th week of escitalopram, if that’s the cause now!

Hey anita!
Glad to hear that u enjoy the updates and thank you for the compliment haha 🙂

She is yeah and sometimes that scares me because i don’t wanna hurt her accidentally, since sometimes i am more “logical” than sentimental in my approaches, not willingly 🙁

No no, i meant the good feelings after the videocall.

Hey anita

I am having an easier time to dismiss all the thoughts most of the time 🙂

Yes, yesterday during the videocall (which was again 8 hours almost and we had fun), we solved the misunderstandings (i hope haha) and we agreed that if something sounds weird or bothering us we will bring it at the exact moment that we sense it and we will not build scenarios in our head that dont exist (which is what she did mostly). While i was telling her about how she should try and stop looking at everything i say through a lense of suspicion, mentioning an old example of me and how i used to be like that back in the day, i triggered something very dramatic from her past and she started crying. I thought i said something wrong but she told me its not my fault, someone from her past (nor romantic or friendship) which she trusted fully, did something to break her trust and that led her to being like that today. I told her i understand and that we shouldn’t discuss it further if she isnt feeling like it and i apologized for mistakenly triggering that wound. We even talked about kids and stuff (she described how she would like someone to be like in order for her to have kids with him) and then we joked about having boys or girls and how i would teach them to “annoy” her and prank her haha.
After the videocall i was feeling like i want to tell her to videocall again tonight but i said “lets tell her tomorrow”. Today i am feeling a lot less enthusiastic again about telling her to videocall even tho i know we always have fun during, which is quite confusing to me because i still expect my “feelings” to be around all the time and me wanting to spend every moment with her, this is all ive learned in my previous brief relationships.

Also, during the videocall for a minute i felt like i am “getting bored” and my ears started heating up but i noticed it and i let it pass and it went away pretty quickly. Later she told me she’s scared of me getting bored of her and i told her “so what? boredom is a part of life and we will get bored of each other sooner or later probably”, she said she’s afraid that i’ll go look for something new and i told her “well, u think ur mom and dad dont get bored of each other? they dont leave.. even if i get bored, it’s my job to turn it around because i believe that it’s mostly our fault for getting bored (except some extreme cases) and even then, what we choose to do is in our hand and i can choose to spice things up again with u, same goes for you tho” she said that she agrees mostly and i think it calmed her a bit and took away our pressure and expectations.

Im sorry if i am being too much with my experiences but it works kinda like a journal for me too haha.

But i notice that i still dont feel excitement for anything, nor the future, nor gym, i went to the gym today barely for 45 minutes.. I dont know whats wrong with me 🙁