Hey anita

Always, since u are so helpful and put in so much effort 🙂

I am not sure 100% but i did feel something shift inside me in that talk. Maybe it just burst my bubble and put me face to face with the technical difficulties and i wasn’t quite ready for that, had to keep the infatuation a bit longer haha.

Hmm no no i’ve never felt “attached” to my parents or family/friends. I’ve always said that if i want a girl enough, i would move countries for her if her job is better/more career oriented.

I think kiddo-confused is disappointed at him.But at the same time recognizes his efforts and what he went through.

Hmm, u think this was what put me in that state? The future plans about this? It could have because i would find myself in a difficult situation, facing a new beginning to a new country (hypothetically) and losing her if she wouldn’t agree on coming to greece (which by her then-reply, she didn’t seem that eager to explore this option, but it was so soon still)

I think the drug is working or it’s placebo? I feel calmer, still not feeling in love but i feel overall more at ease. Which i don’t necessarily like because it feels like numbness? Or idk.. We shall see i guess.

Hey anita

Thank you very much for this detailed response and the time and effort u took transfering all these back and forth with copilot, i appreciate it 🙂
I had forgot some of the things i wrote to u in the past months. I am trying to make sense out of all those things, even tho they do seem reasonable, i would think that us, being grown ass adults, would be able to differentiate between our old homes and the new relationships.

But now the relationship is far from calm, i have hurt her so much and she now told me that she started seeing things logically rather than emotionally (idk what that means) but what i notice is, sometimes i feel like something is stopping me from letting myself be fully in it with her, a thought that she’s not really invested in me so i can’t really do that. And i think the first time i felt that was during that talk about moving countries in november, where i would feel like my brain physically shift, like u put ur hand inside and moved it. Maybe it was the moment that she demolished my romance..but how do i move past this? How do i get out of the dorsal vagal freeze? Sometimes i feel trapped because i can’t move forward and i dont wanna let her go either, i wanna be like before and enjoy my time with her, i want to feel warmth and affection towards her, i dont want anybody else 🙁

Hmm the overwhelming part i think it happens now when my energy is low and i have to answer texts AND be present with friends. But my irritation goes for my sisters/father too, it’s with everyone and everything like im a grumpy old dude. How to get out of this state and let love flow through me again? I could only access it 2-3 days ago when she was talking about leaving me. It’s not fair.

Oh also today, i noticed something. I was out with my friend working on my motorcycle and i was sending her pictures of the process since i know she enjoys it and i do too. But while i was taking breaks from working on my bike (some breaks were unnecessary and i took just to text her back because i was feeling bad i wasn’t replying, even tho she’s never complained), i noticed myself getting more ansy and irritated by her, even tho i was the one that initiated the convo and sent her pictures and all and she’s never complained about me not replying, she’s always so encouraging for me dumping my phone and stop answering her when i’m socializing/working and that makes me even more upset now because i have no excuse to be upset! haha i hope u get what i mean. So the spiral began, i would get more and more thoughts of “u don’t love her, u are leading her on, u will break her heart” and then i feel dysphoria with the breakup thoughts.
I went home, took a shower, we kept texting and i felt better eventually. But even when i laugh with her my mind just notices it and goes “well, did u laugh enough?”, crazy!
Later she told me about a guy replying to a story of hers (the one that left my jaw hanging when i saw her beauty) asking her for information about the place she was at in the photo. My heart started racing and i felt heat in my head again, i expressed my jealousy and we had a small convo about those things and how he’s not just “asking for info” and she acknowledged it and comforted me. She said “u are the only thing i want”, and as soon as i read that i thought “she’s so amazing and loves me so much, why am i not feeling elated? Shouldn’t i be feeling cloud9?” which was again, the same thought pattern i had back in november when i read her poem and something inside me shook and started noticing myself and my feelings for the first time ever what a coincidence huh? Also rings a bell with my father expressing his love towards me and i can’t feel anything? But the latter could be because of the years of violence i witnessed between him and my mother so i disconnected from them both.

Hey anita

I think it’s love yes,even tho i dont have anything to compare it to, when i was texting her those things i was crying and i was feeling like i wanna hug her tightly and not let go, but i was willing to let her go even tho it would hurt me deeply, if it means she will be better off. I break down in tears even writing this here. I feel like i would always want to be there for, support her and have my arms open whenever she needs it.

How would i find this version and calm it? It feels surreal.

Yes i was very attached to him, i remember missing him a lot, running to hug him when he would return from trips, staying up at night waiting for him sometimes, hug him, sleep with him, i have some fragments of even me wanting to shower with him so we would play with water. He would take me to rides with our bicycles, teach me how to drive when i was 6 years old, teach me about gardening, taking me to football practices, swimming, basically almost every skill i have today, he taught me.

It feels like, i am crying, a part of me opens up (most likely the feeling part) and something comes that shuts it down and makes me feel as if it never happened.. Is this burnout and exhaustion or something else, i wonder..

I know what u mean and that hurt her deeply, i regret it so much, that’s how she felt too. But i didnt mean it in that way. I told yesterday that if anyone asked me if id want to spend my days with her i would instantly say yes. But since we practically dont know each other almost at all, i dont wanna say big words and then seem like a liar if things dont work out. I explained to her again that she’s all i want and i wouldn’t trade her for anyone but i dont wanna feel like im leading her on by telling her “together forever” and stuff. I like taking things more logical.. And tbh anita, i feel like i love her so much, im terrified of losing her but i still can’t make any future plans, not just with her, but with myself even. I can’t even get up and clean my house some days, how can i promise her such big words? I told her that i am so honest with her out of respect and love i have for her. She said she understands where im coming from but she still got hurt because she felt like an option until i find the one and i wanted to hug her so much at that moment.. Yesterday i told her a bit about rocd and my mind BS. The 0-100, how i feel nostalgic for our magical beginning. She said that this causes her even more insecurities because she thinks that at anytime i will leave her to find someone else to experience the beginning.. I corrected her that i long for OUR beginning, not just any random girl,otherwise i would be long gone trying to find it and i also wouldn’t trade what we have now, even with the difficulties, for our beginning..

Today i woke up feeling such a big void in my heart, nostalgic about how i could be so expressive and fully in love with her, dream about our future.. Then i checked what i have saved for her on instagram and i cried, felt like texting her “i love u so much”.. After, she uploaded a story of herself somewhere and i was stunned, thinking “wow, how pretty, she’s amazing.. why am i losing this girl and i can’t hold on to her??” i feel trapped 🙁

Yeah anita, i’ve read about those too. I think my depression is induced by my thoughts, no? My thoughts burnt me out and made me anhedonic/depressed. But i am not sure yet..which one started first. They say wellbutrin which raises dopamine, will make the thoughts even stronger, thats why they suggest SSRI, not SNRI. But my mind is like “its not a brain problem it’s because u dont love her”
Even tho today she was expressing to me how my different view of relationships shattered her romance (like she did to me in november) because i sound too cynic and she was hurt. Then she told me that the best for her is to leave me because i told her i am dragging her down with me and i started crying. I told her “i know i am hurting you by being like this baby and u dont deserve it, u only deserve the best and if that means we won’t be together, so be it” and i cried and cried. Then my crying suddenly stopped and it was as if it didnt happen. I got confused..
She said she doesnt want to leave me and thinking about it causes her panic attacks but she doesn’t know what else to do. I told her that i love her no matter what she chooses and i’ll always be there for her.

The thing is, she didnt leave (or didnt do it yet), we still texting but she’s cold and closed off, i don’t feel like calling her sweet names now, after the intense moment passed (when i was crying). It’s like i have two sides inside of me, one that loves her and shows her emotions and one that stops all that.. Wow so weird, what does copilot say about this anita?

Hey anita

Haha we should keep it in mind when we reach the 100th page!

Yeah we both are and every time she’s close to booking tickets, something happens that cancels that. What do u mean by planning ahead?

I think i relate to the dorsal vagal shutdown so much, this is how ive been feeling for months now, i think since november actually. I know u cant lift me out of this, noone can but thank you for your replies 🙂

Should i talk with the psychiatrist again and maybe ask for different meds or start the SSRI (escitalopram) again? And just ride out the numbness it causes? because people say that it usually goes away after week 4..