Hey anita

Haha, i wasnt saying it in a serious manner but maybe i was spot on!

Well, that’s gone now, i feel like shit 🙁

My mind not only doubts and gets irritated by her in the past two days or so (she hasnt done anything wrong), but i get irritated by everyone, my sister sending me reels, funny messages/etc im like “ugh, not again!”, i find no pleasure or joy in anything but my mind keeps shifting the focus on her, even tho she’s the most loving she’s ever been towards me. Two days ago i found a book that she couldn’t find at cyprus and she loves it, i bought it, was feeling excited to go home and show it to her, felt happy with the fact that she felt overjoyed and then poof, felt irritated again. I think it’s severe depression in the works.

Hmm, what do u mean by that anita?

Hey anita

Oh yeah i didnt notice the last post about the greek guy. Haha, i hope u enjoyed the conversation. Sparta and Athens are far from where i live, never been to sparta tho. He mentioned cyprus too? i guess he’s kinda old.

Well, idk how and why i do that but that’s me, i always go all-in, idk how to change it and frankly i dont think i feel like changing it because thats how i enjoy things.

Hey anita, took some time off forums and such, hope u doing well 🙂

Yeah, i feel like i dont care about anything, not my health, my body, my finances, nothing.. It will probably swing back on its own tho.

Haha it’s 3 days vs 18 months online. I know its logical to feel this way but still, i wasn’t like this before, thats why it annoys me!

Hey anita

I use it because all this is new to me, even now.. this word fits perfectly.

Yes i was thinking of trying to end the analyzing/rumination of my relationship and everything, because i realize that i am in a bad spot in every area of my life, but for some reason my mind latches on to my relationship. This is the only forum i browse, ive stopped visiting reddit for like 20 days or something.. thank you 🙂

Today we didn’t text all day and i felt weird. I was thinking about her all the time and i thought “why didn’t she text me anything at all?” Maybe i missed her? I dont know it missing her feels like that. I feel so bad tho about everything, nothing gives me pleasure or motivation.. 🙁

Hey anita

Thank you 🙂 I think it’s my consciousness? I am not sure but nothing else comes to mind.. Maybe its the logical part?

I can’t do that, i feel like a fraud 🙁

Hey anita

Well then today i was only able to “access my feelings” for like 3-4 times in the day. When we would text at night, i laughed a lot with her playfulness, i cried with something i saw (thought of her) and felt some sexual tension. Weird i can’t keep them on.

Hmm, copilot sounds about right, but how does this go away? By me just chillin?

Hey anita

Thank you, felt okay during the day as well 🙂

Haha, u think this could be some case of reverse psychology? I didnt think of that.

Yes, she reminded me an old girl i was hooked with, woke up one morning out of the blue and had a message saying “im sorry i cant do it” and she had blocked me. Turns out she had another boyfriend but it took me a month to get over her (suddenly my switch flipped overnight and i didn’t even care about her existence anymore), but this still left an imprint.

I dont know, it’s very annoying because i constantly search for this “feeling”, the high, the infatuation. She texted me today some funny reels, i sent her some too, we texted for like 2 hours and she went to sleep. Convo was very warm and loving overall, but still my mind would be: “are u laughing for real now or are u faking it? why arent u feeling it in ur bones?” and stuff like that.. so stupid!

Maybe u are right and this whole thing could have begun back in november when i perceived that she “sabotages” us and my mind created a huge question mark saying “well, this is pointless” and i couldn’t stop it or not give it attention, it was so real. But the moments in the videocall were real, can’t fake that, the kiss, the hug in december were real! The grief i went through this whole month, me hugging the air on my bed and crying saying “i love u”, those were real!
Maybe i dissociate because of my fears, idk how dissociation feels like to say for sure.

Damn, i need to get better at this because i do all the things that u did to everyone, i realize it like 10 minutes after that even tho i was hearing them, i was searching for solutions at the same time, and i wanna change that.. It would be wonderful tho, yeah 🙂

Haha, how do i put aside my mind chatter? Yesterday she was talking about all her exams/studies/achievements in dentistry and in the health department in general and she was talking and talking, i was focused on her for almost the entire time, admiring her how she managed all that because they were so hard. But then my mind started zoning out, trying to visually create whatever she was narrating in my head as an image and i was trying hard to stay connected. I told her that this thing is happening to me and sometimes it throws me off convo and she laughed, said she does it too. Maybe its an ADHD thing? Im not diagnosed but damn, i have SO MANY symptoms, t-rex arm while sleeping, hand/legs fidgeting, attention troubles, memory gaps, random bursts of dopamine and excitement, difficulty focusing, hyperfocus, near every symptom!

Hey anita

You are right, we havent talked about it much.

I used to be satisfied with my work but after november i am not satisfied with anything.. even all those things u listed i dont enjoy.
Idk i feel distant from him, felt like that with both my parents after 13 y.o mostly. We might see each other once a day, talk on the phone 2-3 times a day for random stuff and thats it. Cant hang out much with him because he is too stubborn to accept other opinions and he talks all the time haha. My one sister lives next to me, we send memes, go out to eat/coffee/shop, but emotionally not very close. The other one (they’re twins) is very much bonded with her but she lives in another house with her BF. We’re ok with her too, not too close tho.

Yeah that’s what was happening most of my life actually, i don’t know why this happens with love though..

Today we videocalled, supposedly for an hour to discuss some things, lasted 7 hours. We laughed, teased each other, there was sexual tension. We did express some other things we wanted to, she even said “well in the first week of our breakup i was holding on to the tickets, expecting u to try harder” and i said “wtf! how would i do that since u told me to fuck off-basically?” She said “well, idk, u should have!” and laughed a bit. Then i jokingly asked her if she’s single right now and she jokingly said “i dont know, probably”, so i said alright thanks for the info, ill know how i will move from now on and she said “ofc! ofc u want to chase after other girls” and we were laughing. It was very fun but i still made a dumb mistake! In the midst of my attempt to convince her that i am a “safe” person (because she said after i lied she felt unsafe to visit), something stupid came out of my mouth. I said “i don’t hold grudges and i would ofc help u if u ever needed me, for example ending up stranded in my town. I am this kind of person that would even help an ex of mine that treated me badly if she was in grave need”, but i didn’t want her to understand that i’d help any ex that called me or such. So i added “but since u are in the picture, i wouldn’t do anything, if such thing ever happened i would first tell u but i would probably do nothing, maybe send a friend to help her” she then said “well, u asked this in order to get permission from me to go help them” I said “no, if i wanted to do that i wouldn’t ask u, i am just trying to prove to u what kind of person i am, that’s why i used this extreme example” she then said “well if my ex asked me for help how would u react?” i told her that depends on the help, i would probably be fine with u giving him some help on who to call/etc, but that’s it. She laughed and said “well those kind of convos arent helping much” i told her i know but i just wanted to convince u that i would never hurt u or act negatively towards u, and she said “well if im an ex, that’s for sure”. I did ask her twice tho (one in the end of the videocall) if anything i said today seemed weird/bad to her or affected her negatively. She said “well, i dont think so” both of the times and laughed, but i know she needs like 2 days to realize if something hurt her.
She said that she’s still on “danger mode” for me, not being able to fully trust me that i won’t hurt her/lie to her because i did it once with ease and she is thinking about it all the time now, like she has 2 different people in front of her. I told her i understand and that’s too soon, but i too have a constant fear in me, that one day i will wake up to a message of hers saying “i cant do it anymore, bye’ and ill be blocked (because this has happened to me) and since she did text me this sort of message 2 nights ago now i always have it in the back of my head. She said that she always tries to communicate what she feels with me and i thanked her for that.

Now, why am i so dumb anita? why do i put myself in such non-existant scenarios?! Also i indeed have this fear inside me that one day she will just up and leave, no warnings. 🙁