It wasn’t much, just accepting breadcrumbs, coming back and then leaving, then accepting her back only to leave again (only with 1 girl tho), no abuse or anything like that.

I think it’s more like the second one. But the first could also be a possibility. I asked ChatGPT if u can develop depression after having the honeymoon phase ending and it said (without me mentioning anything), that many people experience intense anxiety, rocd and doubts after honeymoon phase because the drop is so intense in their brains, usually due to insecure attachments. It kinda shocked me.

Glad u are handling everything better now 🙂

After talking with Gemini AI and watching a video: Inside the mind of an avoidant attacher, i realized that perhaps my shutdown came because of unmet needs, of things i didnt voice when my mind was telling me to, or it was because of me being afraid to leave my comfort zone. The guy in the video (Levi) mentions that whenever the “ick” was present, he just needed space and he would be looking for connection again (with the same partner) but that was caused because he didn’t set his boundaries. Ofc he never knew it until he looked up attachment styles and all. With his current GF, whenever he feels like he needs space, he tells her, she’s fine and he goes into “discussion with his parts” or something like that, he called it, where basically he communicates with his inner child, then he’s ready to connect with his GF again and solve issues. Which is strange because when i felt all these in november, i remember feeling like “leave me alone for now, but don’t leave me for good”, but ofc i couldn’t say it because i didn’t know what was happening or how long i would need space.

Hey anita

I appreciate all ur replies so far, ur empathy and caring, don’t think it goes unnoticed, im just a stranger after all 🙂

U are right that we are circling in the same place and i can’t make any sense of it, perhaps it’s not the point of my issues then? Hmm

Yeah no worries i am not judging or anything, i understand that all this can be draining, especially for someone that has already been through it 🙂

Copilot said this? haha

Hey anita, thanks again for the reply! 🙂

No ive never addressed anything related to my childhood. Never thought i should.I think copilot is right and he’s spot on on many things, but the issue in my head is that it feels very real. That’s what i’ve “heard” (i know that’s not what she meant) btw when she was telling me that maybe we are not compatible on this goal (marriage), that’s why i asked her “so u are gonna leave now?” after the convo. But then i felt shutdown.

I asked my therapist today if she thinks it’s just depression and she said no, that depression doesn’t come with so many doubts and anxiety, that’s usually the OCD. She also said that i nitpick on everything my GF says and i selectively hold on to the “negative” things so i can conclude that i have to leave the relationship, which is again, avoiding intimacy/connection. For example, she said the last time in the videocall “i really miss the old u, more affectionate and spontaneous, but i know THIS you for longer than the other you, so i am more bonded to how u are now, rather than before” and i took it as “im not enough” because i only paid attention to the first half of the sentence. But how do i fight this? Since i don’t feel any motivation/feeling to text her/see her.. Therapist said that actions lead to feelings, not the other way around. Now, i saw a postcard i wanna send her with Winnie the pooh saying: “If one day we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, i’ll be there forever”. And i cried a lot thinking about that day coming (i think that’s why i cry) and i was thinking “my sweet girl”. But still, no “push” to message her and connect. It’s really confusing, damn.

What does copilot say about this? haha

Hey anita

Wow, i didnt see ur post when i posted mine and then went straight to sleep.

To be honest, no i am still confused with myself. I can’t seem to be able to make a decision and stick with it. I am tortured by constant doubts and uncertainty, sorrow, void.
Today i woke up and i instantly checked my feelings and i still feel apathy. It feels so real, i also dont wanna do anything, i want to lay there. I went and opened her amazing and cute gift for my birthday again, to smell her perfume and read her cards and i could only shed one small tear which felt “forced”, but nothing like some days ago where i’d cry a lot.

Something i noticed, we had two days of videocalls last week. In the first day everything were going fine and we were laughing, until she brought up the talk about “future goals and compatibility”. We discussed what i posted in my previous posts and she said “idk where this all leads, if we’re compatible” and i felt like i was convincing her to stay again (even tho it’s probably in my mind). I told her there is only one way to find out, to experience it. Then, as i was telling her my opinion on marriage and stuff (something inside me was questioning “why are u doing all this?”), i felt like she’s gonna leave because of what i told her. So then i asked her “u are gonna end things, right? Now that u found out we don’t have the same goals” (even though mine wasnt much different than hers). And she said “well i can’t tell u for sure now but i’ll think of this convo 100%”. Then in the next day/videocall i was much more apathetic/bored and near the end of the call she was joking about her being single and instead of me taking it as a joke, i started doubting her in my mind and i felt annoyed with this joke. So, yesterday i woke up crying in the thought of leaving “my little heart”, but now i am again distant and i dont feel the same emptiness when i think of the future without her.

Could this be a defense mechanism that activates when i perceive rejection in the future? (much like our november talk, this one also felt similar, the one about goals and marriage)

Hey anita

I feel like mine are not connected at all, i want different things but i can’t feel them.

Well, i meant like most people, not many, u are right.

Today as soon i woke up twice for no reason, my mind instantly went to her, started the negative thoughts, then i got up and i cried saying in my thoughts: “i can’t do this, she’s my little heart” (a saying we have in greece which is literally how it translates but shows affection and connection). Also, when i saw her message today i felt my stomach/heart drop for a second or two.

I was out with friends and i can’t enjoy anything, everything seems without meaning, food, friends, jokes, money.. and i am constantly thinking of her.