Btw, yesterday she asked me if i am waiting for her to finish her exam so i can tell her something important because she “had a feeling”. I told her im just waiting for ur exam to finish so u can breathe again and be calmer. She said “are u sure? u can tell me now”, i told her “haha u drama queen, stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, was this bothering u for long?” she said for at least 4-5 days. That would explain her being hot/cold at moments. Today i was thinking of us doing videocall and was like 10-20% excited for that, then i would think of us meeting IRL and i get this strange feeling like i don’t know “what to do” with her IRL, i guess that’s because we are mainly online.

Hey anita, i was thinking of taking space from forums/google/etc again too. Weird we thought the same thing haha.

Hmm, kinda but not exactly that, like i am faking myself or something? Idk how to explain it its weird.

Btw, i saw a highlight back from July (she posted a story with a dress, heels, make up and such, seemed like she went out (i wasnt checking her stories back then) and i felt something like jealousy inside me, not sure tho, i felt bothered. But then i was staring at her photo and i said inside my head “U must not lose this woman moron”, then felt indifference suddenly.

Hey anita

Yeah, pretty much. I was so hooked to her and then suddenly after 1 convo with a friend, my mind just erased her, idk how that works.

Oh so u mean that my shutdown is my prison and those feelings are moments that my shutdown lifts?

I’ve read and heard from friends that are diagnosed with ADHD that t-rex arm sleeping is a position that most ADHDers feel comfortable sleeping in, because it relaxes the nervous system, and when i do it i feel so much more relaxed.

Well then, i either have had anxiety my whole life or ADHD, both are bad haha. I do have difficulties with tasks mostly and sometimes with work and time management and i think i do have chronic chaos.

Also something weird that started happening lately, when i ride on long roads that are downhill and maybe with some curves, i get so frozen/paralyzed at some points, like when u drop from a high altitude, the same kind of feeling! Gemini says because of my mental state but idk, what would Copilot say, i wonder?

Hey anita

Today i woke up feeling much nicer than the previous months, idk why. I was thinking of her when i woke up too.

Yeah, i need to be lobotomized on this part, its so annoying! Why do i even bring this word up?! I wanted to convince her that she can trust me..

You are right, i am not a robot and can’t say things perfectly, but i still hold myself accountable for mentioning the word EX when it’s such a triggering topic for her. But this time i didnt narrate any story or anyone specific so idk..

Yeah it didnt start with her, i think it started back in 2017 when everything was going good and another girl did that to me. So now that she texted me in the night out of nowhere “hey, i dont think i can do that anymore” 3 days ago, that triggered this for me. I also explained to her that my “lie” was also a trigger reaction like her own triggers that she can’t control sometimes.

I do expect sudden disconnection, that’s true. And the irony is that before november i wasnt like that with her, i was chill, present, not trying so hard. I will go back to that self again.

Idk if she can see that, i hope so. But what does present mean? Listening, being mindful/etc?
I was telling her how pretty she is and she was saying in her head “oh yeah for sure”, i know it because it slipped out of her mouth, she thought outloud haha. She said thats what she thinks of herself but thanked. I told her she needs a new set of eyes.
But most of the times in my head i question what i say, the compliments, my mind is like “do u really like her?” and it creates a weird feeling in me. Never happened to me again to question those things, maybe thats the defense mechanism.

Hey anita

Yeah i believe she did, i did too 🙁

Haha, sometimes my memory works like a clock, not often tho.

Oh yeah i told her that, even someone else or even me could trigger things, even with silly situations. I don’t mind being there for her and helping her heal, but she has to realize and do the work if she can. She does have a lot on her plate right now..

It was her realizing she was at fault and not wanting to admit it ofc 🙂

Well, we’ll see how it goes if we rebuild and be patient with each other. But anyway that’s not something difficult for me to do, even tho she was worried yesterday that she’s gonna “change” me.

Yeah i felt disconnected for the whole day, now that i got home i was thinking of her and cried a bit, thinking “my sweet babygirl” 🙁

You could be right, since i’ve always been enjoying the rush of intense passion/etc. So maybe i have to work on myself on that and accept love.

Today my therapist was asking me “how do u define love, not when u give it, but when u receive it?” I said mostly “pressure”, like i sign a contract that now i have to be a certain way with u forever or “i owe u” (weird we both feeling this way). She said she is clearly recognizing 2 selves inside me. One is the warm/loving/connecting side that emerged hugely during the breakup, fear of loss, etc. The other one is the doubtful one, the voice in my head that says “why do u even do all these? u dont even want her”, but this feeling of disconnection comes from me putting up a wall to protect my feelings behind it when i feel uncertainty from the other party. She asked me “what would YOU need?” I said i really don’t know, can’t recognize my needs, probably stability, commitment, expression of feelings, maybe those would start my gears again. And she said that probably when i don’t get those, my walls come up, so the doubtful self emerges and says things like “u dont love her, u dont want her”.

My female friend also told me (she’s 40) that i woke up wrong in november, i blamed my relationship (because thats where i was drawing all my happiness from) and my mind kept analyzing and blaming the relationship, while in reality i dont like my life, so i look for something/someone to blame. My baby girl that loves me so much, how could i blame her? 🙁

Hey anita

Oh u mean they leave small windows open that feelings come through some times?

Haha i dont know what to tell u honestly, i told her about that in the call and she refused hard. She said that she had no sabotaging fears at all, she bought things to bring over, spent money and made plans. I told her that those things work subconsciously and she refuses that again.

She texted me in 2:30 AM (3 hours after we said goodnight), crying saying “i can’t do this i’m sorry, the pain and the doubts/fear is too much”
My heart started racing instantly and i felt my stomach drop, that she will be gone for good this time. I got my shit together and started listening to her fears. It was basically trauma talking so no logic applies there. Although, i told her that it’s too soon to judge anything and we shouldn’t focus on having a relationship right now, we should just enjoy each other while we can and worry about the logistics later. I told her she’s not bound/forced to be with me, we owe nothing to each other and we should stay as long as there is love and fun, trust will be rebuild slowly if we’re open to it. She said that every time she thinks of me or us the lie i said comes in her mind and hurts her like ptsd and she cries and feels pain deep inside because she loved me and i broke her trust. I told her i am sorry and i regret it very much every day that i hurt my baby but it wasn’t that i woke up and chose this, it was my own trauma response to a situation that rose out of the blue, not to look for excuses but that’s my side of it.
She admitted that this is a wound of hers and i told her that i thought so, but still i am the one that triggered it and maybe i can be the one that can heal it, we should give it time. I explained to her that every little thing that worries her and gives her bad thoughts, etc is ultimately because she wants control, which is an illusion. At the beginning she refused but then i said “well, look at it as a third person. You worry that i will betray u and u will get hurt, do u know if i will do that? No, u can’t know, so what’s ur next step to gain control for sure ? Avoidance, flight, reject. So this way u can control the outcome, even if it hurts. Some people go mad and stalk their partners, get insanely jealous, asking for proof all the time, each has their own way of expressing this need for control, i do it too but in my head.”
I think this gave her some comfort and i hope it made her see what’s going on underneath all this fear.

Then we kept texting for the next 4 hours and we laughed a lot, the air became lighter and she went to sleep, hopefully with a more peaceful mind. I felt nice having fun with her, laughing and teasing each other and an hour ago i was feeling dysphoria/numb. I guess my body reacts to drama?

Hey anita

Im sorry I didn’t catch that, what do u mean by this whole sentence?

Hmm, isn’t that the same?

Yeah it could but i need to figure out what causes that, i mean the specific reason behind them.

Today i texted her to see how she’s doing and show her something i built, we texted all day and at some point when i showed her some cheap flights i found for cyprus to see her when she will be there, she said “we have no vehicle to drive us around here and the buses are almost non-existant” which seemed like an excuse to me so i called her out and she got kinda mad and told me about all the issues she will be facing as soon as she goes there. Family health issues that require her attention and her care, friends, family, her besties marriage, parties she is organizing about the marriage, so the schedule is hectic. I told her “Now that u finally let me into ur burdens things make more sense, u should have told me sooner so i wouldn’t draw my own conclusions. I wanna be there for you without pressuring u about “us”, focus on the other matters that are more important for now and just let us be together to have fun and blow off steam until we are in a better place mentally”. She said that “us” is also important for her and she also said she doesn’t know how the process of re-trusting goes and what we are gonna need. I told her we can figure that out together slowly, one thing at a time.
We even got into explicit texting and felt good, she said that even tho she’s mad and hurt by me, she gets angry that she still craves me and my touch, i laughed and told her to just accept things and chill.