Yeah she did, i still remember how i would feel anytime i would say something impulsive in the thought of pushing her away, or when we kept silent for 2-3 days and she would text me, i’d get such a relief. I remember in september when the misunderstanding happened my stomach was almost out of my body, cramped by fear that i lost her. In november too.. the last thing i wanted was to lose her, for the first time in my life i felt like it was a matter of life & death… and look at me now, how well i did 🙂

Hey anita

Yeah, so was it kinda like depression/anhedonia? Because if it was related only to her, i would be fine with leaving her and finding another girl or doing my hobbies like before.

Yeah i noticed that, i even told her that it could be happening because she was nearing the trip and she started having panic attacks and stuff…. we are so similar

It’s ok i dont mind 🙂

Yeah, it’s heavy, i cry daily and i reminisce, but then sometimes the feelings just go away, when i think about her again and our moments, everything returns.. her absence is killing me, i wanna text her and ask her if she’s done for good so i can start accepting it and maybe move on, or if she feels the same and we reconnect maybe..

I mean, there were not many difficult parts, it was mostly my own things that made it difficult and triggered her insecurities a lot.
I lost the person i wanted to share my every day with, the most mundane and usual things, my news, beautiful photos, everything.. It wasn’t just hope.

Idk anita, i am 32, i don’t think i got many chances left to find someone else to connect so deeply with, to sit and learn someone new from scratch.. and i didn’t want that either, i just wanted her to be my last.

Ah, i am faking it anita, my mood is always depressed and hopeless now..i feel like im in the abyss.

It was 8-11 December.

I mean, idk how this works ive never experienced it before but i guess she was so stressed… she shouldn’t have made me feel like i am at gunpoint for something i did a year ago (which was to protect us), but i shouldn’t have lied.. At the moment my mind was going “no matter what i tell her, she will cancel the trip”

Yeah, a 40+ years old woman who’s experienced in life..she told me this girl is worth it and i should chase her.

Hmm, i would say it was very deep and intense, full of understanding (at least for the most part), with a lot of work from both of us to understand each other,it was magical, like i found what i was looking for. She was caring, intimate, gentle, considerate, supporting, both romantics, she would never do things to make me feel bad (for example clothes and dance school), there were the negatives too but nobody’s perfect… I’d say mostly i felt her like a house for me, i knew we would be there for each other in the end of the day.. I still can’t believe how easily she left and stopped communicating.. How did she throw all of this in the trash for a lie i said out of panic? All my friends say she’s crazy for leaving a guy like me but i don’t think she can see that and that’s what hurts too..

I feel like i will never find someone with so many qualities again, i would be with her in a heartbeat, with her ups and downs.. She was a gem, even with her flaws i wanted to support her and make her rise..

Hmm, i dont understand how i feel safer with friends. I still think about her all the time though..

I suspect it probably activated with her because of the deep bonding but why did i lose mood for everything? If that was the case then i should be alright with the rest of my life…doesnt make any sense to me.

Yeah even tho she told me in the first months she felt neglected but then i fixed it, slowly..i described my actions and asked her, is this neglect? (The 9 hours videocalls, the messages, the drawings in the mornings so she can wake up to something nice, the flowers, the care i gave her, the support, the attention, everything) She said well no, but idk..

But how do u do that? What does that even mean? I dont understand..Ive always been vulnerable with her since the beginning, why did it come up almost a year after? It doesnt make sense..maybe it’s just burnout?

Well, now i lost that someone for good, none of this matters anymore, i think i am just procrastinating my grief.. i just want to stop existing in the past few weeks, sometimes i wish i dont wake up, the weight and the guilt/remorse, the pain of loss, they’re all unreal when they hit. I lost her right when she would travel here, i would hug her, kiss her, admire her up close..I fucked up badly and lost a pure soul that loved me, she said i shattered every bit of good she had for me in her.. How could she just abandon us for one panic lie? I wonder, doesn’t she miss me? Doesn’t she miss our convos, my care, our inside jokes, our love? How can she be so cruel and walk away? 🙁

Hey anita

Her parents were fine and happy actually that she met someone, because she’s single for so long and difficult in general.

Sadly i dont think this would help, i think she’s done with me, or trying to move on.. I told her numerous times how i feel a week ago, how i love her and all but she said she loves me too but the safety/trust is gone and it’s very hard, doesn’t know if she has it in her to rebuild now.

Today i was at my old job to see an old coworker and i was listening to a man speaking about his wife and i was feeling this pit again, imagining her all the time.. then i was talking to said coworker (she’s 43 and very experienced) and she said “the way i hear u talk about her feels like this girl is worth it and u definitely want her in ur life, so act like it, stop waiting! Catch a flight and go talk to her in person, then u will know u’ve done all u can”. But i said how can i do that since she doesn’t even wanna talk to me, said i kiled whatever good she had for me in her.. She said that women say a lot of such things while angry, also “most of the times we want u to show us that u want us, even in situations like these” and i checked flights, found some cheap ones for late august but last week she told me she changed her tickets to go to her hometown (she had already booked a flight for september, so i guess she will go sooner? idk it doesnt make sense to me, but she said she paid 100 euros to change the destination), so idk if she will be there and i can’t just ask her..But as soon as i saw the possibility (tickets, etc) my feelings vanished instantly.. so when the connection comes up my feelings go away? Mind u i was feeling like a trainwreck moments before..

Hey anita

I meant the part where u said “i read your posts prior to the lie and she was already very stressed..”

Truth be told, i totally didn’t because at this point i barely remember my ex exists, but some friends of mine told me that was dumb of me not to think that it would bother her..

Yes i totally agree, i will never mention anything about any ex ever again.. the thing is, idk if she can go back to us, the situation stressing her and now the mistrust added on top, its too hard..But i would do anything..

I felt like she was procrastinating (she was saying she waits on payments from her job to afford the tickets, etc) and sometimes id feel like she almost doesn’t wanna come, she just goes through the motions. She never said she’s excited to come, she would only say after i’d say “i cant wait for u to come and go places together!” “yeah honey me too!”
U can search if u have time however 🙂

Yeah i know i know, maybe i was not completely right for that either because i definitely feel like i want her in my life but two people sure need plenty of time living together to figure out if they are compatible. Even tho i think we would be fine, but still.
3 days and the chemistry was through the roof.. 🙁

I was writing her another letter now, i’m waiting on some stickers and then i’ll make the gift and mail it to her next week, i hope she gets it and doesn’t return it.. I cried again while writing the third letter… why do i have to suffer like this? 🙁