Hey anita

Yeah i believe she did, i did too 🙁

Haha, sometimes my memory works like a clock, not often tho.

Oh yeah i told her that, even someone else or even me could trigger things, even with silly situations. I don’t mind being there for her and helping her heal, but she has to realize and do the work if she can. She does have a lot on her plate right now..

It was her realizing she was at fault and not wanting to admit it ofc 🙂

Well, we’ll see how it goes if we rebuild and be patient with each other. But anyway that’s not something difficult for me to do, even tho she was worried yesterday that she’s gonna “change” me.

Yeah i felt disconnected for the whole day, now that i got home i was thinking of her and cried a bit, thinking “my sweet babygirl” 🙁

You could be right, since i’ve always been enjoying the rush of intense passion/etc. So maybe i have to work on myself on that and accept love.

Today my therapist was asking me “how do u define love, not when u give it, but when u receive it?” I said mostly “pressure”, like i sign a contract that now i have to be a certain way with u forever or “i owe u” (weird we both feeling this way). She said she is clearly recognizing 2 selves inside me. One is the warm/loving/connecting side that emerged hugely during the breakup, fear of loss, etc. The other one is the doubtful one, the voice in my head that says “why do u even do all these? u dont even want her”, but this feeling of disconnection comes from me putting up a wall to protect my feelings behind it when i feel uncertainty from the other party. She asked me “what would YOU need?” I said i really don’t know, can’t recognize my needs, probably stability, commitment, expression of feelings, maybe those would start my gears again. And she said that probably when i don’t get those, my walls come up, so the doubtful self emerges and says things like “u dont love her, u dont want her”.

My female friend also told me (she’s 40) that i woke up wrong in november, i blamed my relationship (because thats where i was drawing all my happiness from) and my mind kept analyzing and blaming the relationship, while in reality i dont like my life, so i look for something/someone to blame. My baby girl that loves me so much, how could i blame her? 🙁

Hey anita

Oh u mean they leave small windows open that feelings come through some times?

Haha i dont know what to tell u honestly, i told her about that in the call and she refused hard. She said that she had no sabotaging fears at all, she bought things to bring over, spent money and made plans. I told her that those things work subconsciously and she refuses that again.

She texted me in 2:30 AM (3 hours after we said goodnight), crying saying “i can’t do this i’m sorry, the pain and the doubts/fear is too much”
My heart started racing instantly and i felt my stomach drop, that she will be gone for good this time. I got my shit together and started listening to her fears. It was basically trauma talking so no logic applies there. Although, i told her that it’s too soon to judge anything and we shouldn’t focus on having a relationship right now, we should just enjoy each other while we can and worry about the logistics later. I told her she’s not bound/forced to be with me, we owe nothing to each other and we should stay as long as there is love and fun, trust will be rebuild slowly if we’re open to it. She said that every time she thinks of me or us the lie i said comes in her mind and hurts her like ptsd and she cries and feels pain deep inside because she loved me and i broke her trust. I told her i am sorry and i regret it very much every day that i hurt my baby but it wasn’t that i woke up and chose this, it was my own trauma response to a situation that rose out of the blue, not to look for excuses but that’s my side of it.
She admitted that this is a wound of hers and i told her that i thought so, but still i am the one that triggered it and maybe i can be the one that can heal it, we should give it time. I explained to her that every little thing that worries her and gives her bad thoughts, etc is ultimately because she wants control, which is an illusion. At the beginning she refused but then i said “well, look at it as a third person. You worry that i will betray u and u will get hurt, do u know if i will do that? No, u can’t know, so what’s ur next step to gain control for sure ? Avoidance, flight, reject. So this way u can control the outcome, even if it hurts. Some people go mad and stalk their partners, get insanely jealous, asking for proof all the time, each has their own way of expressing this need for control, i do it too but in my head.”
I think this gave her some comfort and i hope it made her see what’s going on underneath all this fear.

Then we kept texting for the next 4 hours and we laughed a lot, the air became lighter and she went to sleep, hopefully with a more peaceful mind. I felt nice having fun with her, laughing and teasing each other and an hour ago i was feeling dysphoria/numb. I guess my body reacts to drama?

Hey anita

Im sorry I didn’t catch that, what do u mean by this whole sentence?

Hmm, isn’t that the same?

Yeah it could but i need to figure out what causes that, i mean the specific reason behind them.

Today i texted her to see how she’s doing and show her something i built, we texted all day and at some point when i showed her some cheap flights i found for cyprus to see her when she will be there, she said “we have no vehicle to drive us around here and the buses are almost non-existant” which seemed like an excuse to me so i called her out and she got kinda mad and told me about all the issues she will be facing as soon as she goes there. Family health issues that require her attention and her care, friends, family, her besties marriage, parties she is organizing about the marriage, so the schedule is hectic. I told her “Now that u finally let me into ur burdens things make more sense, u should have told me sooner so i wouldn’t draw my own conclusions. I wanna be there for you without pressuring u about “us”, focus on the other matters that are more important for now and just let us be together to have fun and blow off steam until we are in a better place mentally”. She said that “us” is also important for her and she also said she doesn’t know how the process of re-trusting goes and what we are gonna need. I told her we can figure that out together slowly, one thing at a time.
We even got into explicit texting and felt good, she said that even tho she’s mad and hurt by me, she gets angry that she still craves me and my touch, i laughed and told her to just accept things and chill.

Hey anita

You are right but how do i just accept things and act nonetheless? It feels fake/impossible? Idk, ive done it in the past and it worked but its like i don’t “remember” it.

Well, u are right, there were moments that i wouldn’t think about her but she would always pop in my mind and i would think of her warmly and be excited to talk to her, now those are gone, but not just for her, for my whole life, this is what i keep ignoring.

Yeah maybe that’s the normal me for now and i have to accept that and just act, like how i go to work without wanting to, i should start working out like this too..

Hmm, i don’t feel that now, although i did feel it plenty of times in the past 6-8 months, but i know what u mean.

Yeah, it’s not like i wanna tell those stories or else, they just happen to pop in my mind and me being talkative and telling someone many stories about me is when i feel good haha, but i will not be telling anymore of those stories again, no need for that.

I will tell her again when we mention it, i remember i did that in june and it felt good!

I know and i feel bad now that i am numb again, it’s like as soon as she gave me attention i felt “okay” and kinda settled and the grief is gone. Maybe i confuse grief with love and since my grief stopped (because i got hope), i think that my love is gone. A close friend of mine told me “u just don’t know how to identify ur feelings, not ur fault, nobody taught u at home when u were a kid so now u can’t recognize love”. I mean, how do i just ignore that i spent almost 11 hours (and the whole day before that texting) with a girl, felt no boredom at all and think that i feel nothing? When she mentioned about someone hitting on her i felt my whole body tightening and heat rising.

You know, ive always used to be a loverboy, ride or die, hopeless romantic, and with her i felt like i found my person, someone that’s worth doing all those things for/with, i was so excited! And now i think of all that and it feels like an era long gone, can’t connect. Not just with her, even if i think of another girl i get nothing. I also noticed i don’t like ANY girl at all outside. But i do like her, weird.
When i think back at the 25 july-20 august (until we talked again), i remember how bad i felt and how i was crying every day for her being gone, how i wanted to share my life with her, how i wished she came back. And now what?!?!

Hey Roberta

Yeah that was my bad, i thought we were on the same boat on this but pairing that with my bad memory i messed up plenty of times because i was forgetting what i even said sometimes.

We discussed that too and she said i am right on this and she explained why she was a bit closed off and such.
Thank you for your reply 🙂

Hey anita

We had a 11 hours videocall yesterday, we discussed everything (i think), what hurt us and whatnot, we had a great time overall, we laughed, we expressed how the time apart was to us, how we were missing each other but still be angry at each other at times, etc.

Her main issue about not getting over september was me narrating stories with exes (i know it wasn’t me being nostalgic but still, my bad) and she said that this was like twisting a knife in a wound, that’s how she was feeling every time because this was a sensitive topic for her. I told her i understand but i explained to her that i wasn’t doing that on purpose, it was my own character trait, spewing stories and information without thinking much is my middle name actually. She said “so u can’t change on that?” i told her that i will change it and will be very mindful in the future since i too know that this is not a fun trait to have. Probably my ADHD gets me first that’s why sometimes i can’t stop myself, but i told her i now understood what she means and i hope this was the thorn that wasnt allowing september to heal. That was basically the issue and also the “lie” i told her that broke us up, explained to her that this wasn’t even a lie, it was mostly a “reaction” of stubborness from me because i felt interrogated and that what she did (asking me about likes and stuff) wasn’t mature at all and basically put me in that position. She said she did it because something was feeling “off” for her. I told her how it seems to me, that she subconsciously looks for danger/reasons to not be around and she said that this isn’t the case.

Then i expressed my own needs/issues about her being more expressive, showing love and all. She said i am right and that’s mostly her fault that she needs to work on and she will try more from now on. About the last months that i felt i wasnt prioritized, she said she thought that i would think that but she explained to me how both of those visits (her friends and siblings) were planned way back and she also told them to cut back on expenses because she was saving to visit me during summer. But the other issue i talked about was fear and pride. How she’s so “proud” with money, since i offered to pay for her tickets plenty of times and in return she would pay for mine when i would visit, to me that’s more like “i stay in my comfort zone to avoid, rather than feel obliged with money”, she said it’s purely because she doesn’t wanna feel like she owes money. I told her to stop being so afraid of everything and stop making negative scenarios about whatever we might say and she said “that i dont know if i can stop”. I explained to her how fear creates these scenarios that don’t exist or may never happen and that keeps her stuck. She acknowledged it but i doubt she can work on that anytime soon, that’s her default setting. I told her “fear disappears after u take the leap, not the other way around, u cant expect the situations to be ideal in order to do something because they will never be, we make them”

In the end i asked her how she feels about us and she said “the problem is, i still want u 150% but i am scared”, i told her that this is normal and my main issue (according to her) about me narrating stories with exes and stuff will never repeat again if we decide to rebuild.

Well the thing now is, videocall was great, i felt jealous over some guys that hit on her (i felt it in my whole body), but still now i can’t “feel” excitement to message her and stuff. Could it be that texting is no longer fun for me? Because 11 hours went by so fast during videocall.

Hey anita

Yeah i sat down and thought of all the times i was telling her “i miss u” for example (it was mostly me expressing feelings first, 99% of the times) and she would say “me too”, but never booked tickets to come see me or made any plans for videocalls/movie night, or the times she said she has no money/time but still found some to pay for her friends train tickets/airbnb/food on april and on may for her siblings when they visited for the concert. But someone could say “well, why didnt YOU go to her if she wasn’t able to?” And they would be right, but i too wanted to feel some effort and feel wanted here and there, it was also the ocd that was giving me a hard time. Then i offered to pay for her tickets and she could just pay for mine when i would visit her and she refused saying “i dont like owing money”, which to me shows again that she isn’t willing to change/evolve for the greater good of our relationship. It seemed like she wouldn’t get out of her comfort zone, maybe she was too scared to take steps forward or i wasn’t a priority in her life right now? i dont know.

She’s a kind and loving soul but yeah, she has some trauma which i triggered probably without wanting to that makes her so defensive and distant/closed off. We texted today a bit, asked her how her day went, about some other things she’s planning for her bestie’s marriage and stuff, showed me the dress she bought. She is still like 70% cautious/distant but is kinda warm at times.

You and i know it but a person with trust issues and insecurities is very hard to trust from a distance and see those things clearly when they’re in their head and are so afraid of getting hurt, i guess. The first thing i am gonna clarify before we begin talking is what u said before, that i am not here to prove myself innocent, we’re here to open up about what bothered us and feel heard.

She specified on the “ex” part (idk if there are on other domains too). She said i talked about exes too many times. But tbh i dont remember because i dont care about them, i might drop a story here and there but it was mostly stories about creepy things or things that made me grow in a way and i was explaining how the growth worked. Maybe she has a different eye for those things than me, after all most people wouldnt be ok with this and think different than me.

Btw i read her note again and i cried, how she misses me and how much i hurt her with this stupid “lie” 🙁

I remember how good we were before i woke up like this in November and i miss that, i wanna go back to this and better with her..But she has to let go and trust me 🙁

But we have been trolling around plenty of times and there was no issue, perhaps its some specific matters that trigger her.

Hmm, how could we know that? She told me to videocall around friday/saturday to discuss all the things we have to say and what bothered us so she could look at my eyes too and get something more than texts, she said that there is a lot of contradictions that she saw from me over the year, that she hadn’t paid any attention to, that they were piling up without her realizing and now she wants to tell me. She doesn’t know what will the outcome be for us right now because she feels torn, she wants to talk but at the same time she doesnt, kinda like me, we just have to discuss with honesty and lay everything on the table because now we’ve got nothing to lose.

Hmm, as safe as i can feel with anyone since i’ve never felt “fully” safe around anyone, i always keep to myself, even with friends. Or maybe familiarity?

The thing is, now i feel like “i dont want her” and it confuses me a lot because yesterday and the whole month ive been crying so much, missing her, wanting to be with her and all, but suddenly it vanishes. I also feel exposed now that she got my letters..

She also wrote letters/notes about how she felt and she sent me one, wow anita, it was very similar to what i was writing in my letters, how we miss each other, how we see every day mundane stuff and we think of one another, but i felt a bit sorrow and suddenly nothing, then i felt like a heartless idiot that strings her along… Even the song she’s listening to nowadays is the same i am and we’ve never talked about this song, so many similarities with this woman.. How can i find my loving feelings again? It feels like something is blocking them.