Hey anita

Haha yeah his ego wont be hurt!

I mean, okay i know she got out of line but it was because she felt betrayed and stuff, still though doesn’t excuse this behaviour. I did feel her as a pure soul, just with a lot of hurt and insecurities to figure out.

U could be right anita, she was very anxious, panic attacks/fainting and stuff with all the shit going on in her personal life and for some reason she was so stressed for us, even tho i told her plenty of times to stop having expectations and just chill and go with the flow..

Yeah i only told her about my shutdown during november-january, then i was a lot more present, giving her affection as much as i could because things were feeling awkward between us, then after april i was almost my full self, never mentioned anything to her after december, idk if she picked something up from voice or something but i dont think so. We started videocalling at march and all the calls were 9 hours long each and we had great time, i was telling her how pretty she is how much i like her, how i want us to get intimate and she would always blush and tell me to stop because she doesnt believe me (jokingly)

Well today at work i was a wreck, crying and thinking about her all the time, but when i discussed what happened with a female friend of mine and her boyfriend, after telling them how she said what i did for her was “basic relationship stuff”, they got mad and started shouting at me a bit for accepting that, they said that this is definitely not basic and that she basically drove this convo there and off the cliff. Now i feel indifferent towards her, idk why this happens, whenever i discuss it with friends and stuff i feel indifference afterwards. But they don’t know our bond 🙁

Yes anita i noticed that but i wasnt sure if this is the case precisely, but i noticed it too. Also when im out with friends i feel indifferent but when i get home and alone, everything hits.
How can i change this pattern? Even if it was to happen with her.. What copilot has to say about this? Ive never experienced it with any other girl before.. usually i was always all-in.

I never showed this pattern to her, ive always been caring and loving towards her even when i wasnt feeling it.

Hey anita

Yeah u are right she did tell me those, i forgot about that with all the things that happened.

I dont think she wanted to cancel the trip tho, she had bought new clothes and a bikini to wear here, she told her parents about us, showed them the flowers i got her and she was making lists of places she wanna visit.

I can’t take this anymore anita, i wake up dead and hollow, i miss her terribly, i just wanna text her and tell her how it hurts and how empty my life feels without her, everything seems pointless, i see her in my dreams and then reality hits. But i know she would probably shut me down and tell me she’s done. I have done the worst thing for her, lying. I would take the plane and go visit her if she wanted me to, i can’t bear this loss..it feels so heavy unlike anything ive ever experienced..why can’t she understand the reason for my lie and that i’ve regretted it and im never gonna do it again? 🙁

Hey anita

I was telling the story to another friend of mine and he said that it was dumb of me to suggest the airbnb in the first place and i should have known better, but my brain is so naive.. He also said that he believes people like me are very rare to come by and once the dust settles in her mind the loss and nostalgia will hit her hard (she even said that herself the night after we broke up, that she is afraid of the wave of emotions that will come when she isnt numb), but maybe she wont reach out because of her ego.

Hmm, which are u referring to?

But she did book the tickets, the hotel and everything..Idk anita im still confused about all this..

Maybe the cup was already full and this was the cherry on top.. Damn i want her back so bad.. i saw a new guy liked 3 of her photos and my heart instantly started racing, my body temperature raised, i wanna text her but i know it wont be any good, she’s done with me..

Yeah, the shock of seperation which is already on for 7 days, it feels like it’s resetting every hour or every day.. I think its because i secretly hope we will get back together, then the realization hits again..

I am trying not to text her because i respect the space..Idk what would clarity feel like, since ive been feeling for months that i wanna have her in my future.Sometimes i feel like the more we let go the worse, or that maybe she regrets it and she doesn’t have the courage to text me, but then i remember what she said the last time “I am stupid for trusting u and loving u” and “i want nothing from u” so i get my hard landing again 🙂

I just wanna straight up ask her if there’s any chance for us in the near future or should i kill any hopes i have inside me because it’s not helping.. Oh how i fucked this up 🙁

Yes anita, the void and the pain is unbearable, nothing that i do makes me feel anything or alleviate the emptiness.. I am devastated and i think this one will take a long time to dissipate, if ever.. i think she will be my eternal “what if” 🙁

I know i lied to her but it was out of panic, can’t she see that? How did this shatter everything for her? She said that everytime we talk she sees the version of me lying straight to her face gaslighting her.. can’t she see the version of me that was taking care of her? Being there for her and her family? Loving her? I just can’t comprehend how can someone block all those things..

Well she should have told me what she needed then. She said she was tired of me bringing up my ex, lol! The only time i brought my ex up was back in December while i was storytelling about some creepy things that my ex happened to be in and in June when she asked “where do my fears/beliefs about latin dancing with partners come from” (my ex is a latin dancer, but solo) and even then i did tell her “are u sure u wanna know?” she said yes..

I did and sometimes i wish we hadn’t made those memories in the first place because it hurts, the void she left behind is so big..I hope she can see it herself and come back soon, so we can build something better together 🙁

Thanks for your words anita. I think i’ve never ached like this for anyone in my life before.. it’s not that i built meaning around her, it’s that i wanted to build more with her and now she’s gone… I will never feel her care and affection again.. doesn’t she miss me? how can she not mend our bond? I think this thing makes me angry but i can imagine how angry it made her when i lied straight to her face..
I have a final gift for her that i was planning on giving her upon her arrival but i will send it there instead. A week ago she told me to give it to the next girl and that she doesn’t want anything from me. I told her that there will be no next girl and this gift is hers, made by me for my little babygirl, she cried and told me to not call her that but i told her i can’t, that’s what she is to me, my babygirl.. I wrote two letters inside, pouring my heart out but i wrote it’s not a letter to win her back, i want her to know that i still hurt deeply by her absence and how much i love her.. I think people have come back from worse scenarios, cheating/etc but i doubt she will ever come back to me, sometimes i think maybe she was looking for a way out or is it just my hurt side talking? She had just talked to her family about me..

Hey anita

Oh i thought he moved there. Is he in mafia? haha

Yeah i got mad, i said things to her too, but when the dust settles, my heart goes to her again.

Yes i did keep myself gentle and non-reactive 9 times out of 10 but i think it was mostly because of my inner turmoil and feeling like i have to be better.

Well she is indeed wounded, soft, fragile and gentle but when she feels like u are fooling her she becomes a different person for a brief time. I am not excusing her i am just saying.

Thank you anita 🙂

Hmm look, she is very insecure about everything. She thinks she’s ugly, fat, hard to deal with, but she’s not. Ever since the september incident i think she never really got over it, even if i asked her a million times and she said yes, my ex was living in her head rent-free. She was so hyper-vigilant and triggered when it came to my ex. Her pattern was mostly “reject before being rejected” and i told her plenty of times “don’t be afraid of getting rejected sometimes, drop ur guard and take some initiative with us” and she was shying away laughing. I still think she’s a wonderful and kind soul but with her own demons. She used to pray for my well-being since summer of 2025, she bought me a guardian angel bell for my motorcycle, even thought of getting my sisters gifts for their birthday (8th of august-they’re twins but not looking alike and she would come at 9th), she would always ask me about my issues and worry about my health, she would check the weather here and feel bad, feel bad about many things, me spending my money on her/etc, but this is why i kept doing that, because she’s worth it, she never took me for granted, i could see the joy in her, two weeks ago she said “thank you for making my everyday a bit better and bearable”. She was the one to cover for everyone, never arguing or nagging, she would just be there. I think her positives far outweigh her negatives and that’s why i wanted to be with her and work those things, her soul is pure and hurt and i wanted to fill her with love.. too bad i have a lot of demons myself 🙁

Hey anita

He lives there for a long time? Also where is he coming from, which place in greece? Have u found another taproom yet? I guess that was important for u to blow off steam and socialize.

Yeah she did apologize for this outburst, but imagine me cursing at her? i would be done, haha

I think that’s what she had been doing, looking for things to blame me, to make her feel better/justified for leaving me. Why would she bring a year’s old topic up then? I hope someday she realizes how badly she fucked up with this one and i think she will regret cancelling the flight.

I mean, its easier to look outside than within, right? When i would express my feelings she would feel attacked or just say “if u hadn’t done this back at september this wouldnt be happening”.

Haha, thank you anita for calling me wise 🙂 Today i was explaining to my sister what happened and how she cancelled her tickets and my sister was shocked. She said while i am an idiot for lying, everything else is against her. She said “one day she’s gonna realize how hard she fumbled because u are a wonderful guy that u don’t meet often in life and u also don’t fit in interrogation rooms-like relationships”. My sister is 25 btw and she never compliments me so that caught me off guard! She also has never been in a relatioship.

I think copilot is referring to enmeshment? A term usually describing children from families that lacked identity, also on par with parentification. I mean, my defenses set boundaries firmly as of yesterday but there are moments that all my defenses drop and i cry, feel her absence, the lack of her presence in my daily life, the mutual care we would show to each other even when we were exhausted, refusing to give up, our own little language, “our little universe” as she used to call it and my heart aches, i still save reels for her.. but i guess she gave up, like i told her months ago “everyone leaves, i am used to it so i wont be surprised when u do”.
To be honest, today i was reflecting on my needs out of the relationship and how i wasnt communicating anything because i really couldnt understand what i needed, i still can’t and it bothers me.

Yeah it resonates, i think i was feeling too responsible for her feelings that i put my own aside and now everything comes out at waves, anger, confusion, disappointment, guilt, love.

I was discussing the situation with some friends also and they got furious. They said i should have been out of this long time ago, i get them but they don’t know how things were between us, the bond we shared, our connection, the love she showed me, she was caring, compassionate and considerate, always asking me how i felt about things and respected my feelings. I know what ive lost, a woman that even from afar, loved me like no other. I had so much more to give her when we would be together in person, many more experiences and love, actual love, hugs, kissing, taking care of her..