Hey anita, been a while 🙂

I dont know if it’s this black & white because everyone experiences love and feelings different so..

Maybe i was the same as u? I dont have a clue.

I think i understand this now, being vulnerable, open to get hurt, maybe this is true..

Today is a really hard day for me..
Two days ago we were discussing her flight tickets/hotel/etc, everything was fine..Yesterday she told me that she feels her avoidant side coming up and that it’s making her uneasy and wanting to bolt. I asked her if i did something that triggered it, she said no, it’s just there but she will push through it. I told her that maybe it’s because the idea of her coming to me now is getting more real and now her defenses kick in, she said she doesn’t know but she really wants to come. Then a whole conversation that didnt go well happened. She told me that she doesn’t feel “safe” with me because she feels uncertainty, since the last time we talked about it (1 month ago), the goals and everything. Again, i told her that i am a day-to-day guy, wanting to experience us together first and after a while i can visualize something more far into the future (that’s also a defense mechanism for me i think) and out of respect and love for her, i dont wanna lie and feed her “together forever” bullshit, i am keeping it real. She said that this wasn’t the problem, her issue is my words. The last time we were talking about those things i told her something along the lines “ofc i wanna build a life with the girl i am gonna be with” and this landed hard on her. She felt like i am just passing my time with her until i find someone better and i don’t visualize a future with her, which isn’t the case. It was a misunderstanding and i explained to her that i don’t wanna tell her that she’s the girl of my life after only knowing her for 3 days, that would be delusional and i don’t believe in fairytales such as “i knew i would be with them since the moment i met them” holywood crap and i didn’t want to feel like a clown to her if things didn’t work out. I told her that she has all the qualities i want in a girlfriend and ofc i would want her in my future but her assumptions of our last convos were deeply rooted in her head. She felt hurt, i did too and i felt a lot of avoidance and deactivation to her. We just said goodnight and left it at that.
But today i am in deep shit. I work mindlessly, autopilot. I don’t feel good any moment of the day and i feel like i can’t stay at home either. Nothing makes sense, nothing gives me joy and she’s all i can think of. I cried 3 times thinking about her today and it instantly stopped a minute after. There were moments where i felt like i wanna tell her “i love u so much” and i would tear up but then something was stopping it and it felt “foreign” after that moment. It’s really shit. I think that every time she’s close to booking tickets to visit me, some bad convo starts and then says “im not feeling it” and backs off. I told her that i noticed this pattern but she refused.

I think my situation goes beyond “relationship issue” and it has always been a burnout/depressive episode (since november), but my mind turned on my relationship with her because it was the most important thing in my life and it required energy/effort which i lacked, i was mortified in the thought of losing her, the best thing ever happened to me, my sweet baby girl. But now i can’t even feel scared, just remnants of sadness here and there 🙁
Nothing gives me joy or fulfillment, i feel like a zombie walking around, doing things automatically (thats how ive been feeling since november, thats why i think it doesnt have to do with the relationship, but my mind has to blame something). And the childhood dreams with abandonment came because i was so afraid i would lose her, i believe.
I read something about dorsal vagal shutdown, have u seen anything about it, anita?

Same goes for you anita! 🙂

I hope i get there someday and live my dreams as i imagined them 🙁

Oh i think it wasn’t that hot today here, it was bearable! My least favorite weather is definitely summer because of bugs and because i sweat easily so i feel disgusted with myself haha, i think i prefer spring, flowers blooming and 20 degrees celsius, what about you? 🙂

Hey anita

I wouldn’t be able to feel it/care about it right now..

No no i asked gemini about this and it basically told me that if u cant find the inner child it usually lies within the things u tell others (like the one i said).

Yeah, i dont remember feeling love or attachment to anyone except romantic relationships actually. (we’ve known each other for 1.5 years, started having feelings for her a year ago, April 2025)

No no i don’t think that’s the case. She did bring color into my life but it’s not like i wasn’t enjoying life before her. Or that i just happened to project my desires on her. I like her for legit things, character traits, loving and caring personality, humor, intelligence, wittiness and many more, it wasn’t a blind “ok i want her now”, i was falling gradually while getting to know her.
I know she’s not the cure, i am not looking for her to cure me, i just want my old self back, the one that could feel romantic things with her, who could dream things, be excited to share my life with her, the prior to november confused. Because right now i dont feel like myself at all.
I think the panic i was feeling was because i would lose her specifically, since a month or two ago, imagining the future without her was bringing me bad feelings.

Hey anita, i read both your replies.

I think she made it public because she tagged her siblings and if they want to repost the stories, ppl that don’t follow her (their friends) will not be able to see the stories, it will be just a black error-screen so i figured she made it for this reason.But still my mind spiraled.

U are right that this fear predates her but i guess now it is activated by her.

Reading that leaving her will be healthier/better for me doesn’t feel good, it makes me feel uneasy/wrong. I don’t think i wanna leave her, i had dreams with her, i felt like i finally found the girl that i was dreaming of, do things together, be my romantic self without being judged, being loved and cared for and so many more things 🙁 I don’t wanna blow it all and hurt her deeply because i am triggered or burnt out. I wanna fight and figure this out. If i fell for her once, why wouldn’t i be able to do it again? If i get better and actually want to leave, i think that’s the best time to make that decision. But like i said in the past, if i leave her, i dont wanna deal with relationships ever again. I will stop working on my traumas since i wont care, no motivation will be left for me, i would be done with romance. It’s not like i want to be with someone else, i am not interested in other girls, i really felt like i found what i wanted but i can’t experience it right now with all this 🙁

I tried what copilot’s saying now and i’ve tried in the past again, but nothing comes up.

Yes and that happened now too! A friend of mine told me that while searching for someone he saw my girl’s profile on instagram being public (she had it private a day or two ago) and as soon as i heard that my stomach clenched. I started wondering why would she do that? She posted a story with her siblings and tagged them today and my mind says “maybe she did it to attract men from her siblings profiles”, but then the feeling vanished and i was like “why did i get that feeling?”

But i never had this issue again in the past, idk what’s up now.

Idk, i dont really feel like i don’t put myself first, i mean, what do i not do that i need?

Oh anita, why would i not feel absolute joy and contentment having such an amazing girl loving me and being so caring to me.She’s such a sweetheart and i wanted nothing else than to kiss her all over her pretty face before this happened 🙁

Actually in december too, while holding her i would hug her so tight and kiss her hands, forehead, lips, eyes, etc and i would feel like shouting from excitement! (while my mind was telling me “u are fooling her, u will leave her” “u are faking it”)
Now it’s like none of this matters, i can’t imagine anything romantic or feel it, like this self of mine has gone dark.. only void and vanity remains.

Thank you anita

Hmm yeah you are right, we said that again and yes, this was the first one to move me like that.. but u know i can’t even remember that right now, everything is so long ago or my brain has just disconnected me 🙁

Today i feel very bad, so disconnected from everything and everyone, i can’t enjoy anything, can’t focus on anything, feel empty and alone in my house and idk what’s the problem. All i know is i can’t stop thinking of her, from the minute i wake up. I constantly look in the past and try to find what changed or reminisce about how good i used to feel. I know that’s a compulsion/rumination but its hard to stop.
Hours ago i was thinking about her and i was like “what? who is this girl even? why am i so obsessed with her?” not like i don’t “know” who she is, but it’s something different i can’t explain it.