Hey anita

Yes it calms me a lot, maybe even to the point of numbness, close actually.

Exactly yes.. ok i will worry about that if and when it happens then.

I know right? It’s like u do 10 things that are good for me and 1 bad and i get annoyed by the 1 bad so much..

I explained my thinking and that this is what she misunderstood and got hurt, which she gets but she still got hurt, our brain works differently (female-male things) but we agreed to be very open because noone wants to hurt the other person. The thing is, when she gets hurt she puts up a wall instead of informing me right away so then i feel like i wanna leave too. We will discuss it in videocall soon. In the morning today was ok, as soon as we said some sweet words to each other i felt good i asked her about something that was bothering me (that she did) and i felt shutdown again. It’s really annoying because i get this on/off feelings in me and its confusing!

For me it used to be 90 minutes for my normal workouts..

Hey anita

I dont know if it’s placebo or not since they say it needs 4-6 weeks to see benefits but i definitely feel calmer/more numb (?)

I meant, what if my body get used to the ssris and the old thoughts with intensity and doubts return like before?

Today was not good, there was a misunderstanding and we spent the whole day arguing, now i feel like i dont want her, lol. I guess that’s normal when people argue to feel like this for a little while..

Morning started out great, then she told me some thoughts are annoying her and she feels overwhelmed by life and wants some space from communication for a couple of days to focus on herself, i told her sure. Then one thing led to another and she told me that yesterday (and once more during the last videocall) something i said made her feel like i am hiding her from people (it was because i am too secretive about my personal life) and she felt like i dont want to be seen with her. Then i explained to her but it still consumed energy and focus.. now we feel like we’re on edge even tho we are still texting and she saying she’s over it.

Hey anita

I understand this process ure describing but because i guess it all happens subconsciously it seems so strange for ur own brain to sabotage ur happiness, but i guess its a protection mechanism 🙁

Yes she’s loving indeed, very caring and considerate, a sweet baby 🙂

The last two days have been nice, we’ve been texting for two days straight, almost like before. We vibe, we get into spicy convos and i like it, but the thoughts are still there and they are so annoying!

For example, she sent me two photos of her and i really can’t find anything not to like on her, she’s so beautiful, her eyes, her lips, her hair, everything! But my mind goes “why are u not feeling head over heels?”

Or something else, she asked me if i would be okay with her attenting latin dance classes with partners (male-female), i told her that i would not feel ok with this and she respected it, said she doesn’t want to make me feel bad not even a little bit. And then i questioned myself “would i really feel jealous or is this an act? am i doing this out of habit?”

She’s such a treasure, an honest and caring woman that shows me so much love and affection however she can.. Yesterday i was seeing some posts about LDR and people saying “nice being in a 3-ppl relationship” and other stuff like this and i laughed and felt lucky that i have her because i said to myself “those posts dont touch me because my girl is amazing and i trust her 100% that she’s not like most people”, and that felt nice, but my mind doubts even that!

Hey anita

U think? Sometimes i get thoughts like “why am i doing it? maybe its a habit?” but then i remember how i was gazing at her in the videocall, how much i wanted to kiss her and grab her, the thoughts of me moving to cyprus for her.. its all so strange and contradicting.

Therapist said that she has seen this in other patients with rocd again, the emotional impermanence. They were describing that “if the object/sensation is not there, it feels like the relationship has no meaning”.

I am still not sure what those random thoughts mean but i try to ignore them and not give them power.

The call was great, we had such fun and the fact that i could even fantasize about nice scenarios felt very good! 🙂

How can i fix this emotional permanence? Maybe i will never get rid of it and i am gonna have to learn to live with it? They say it’s a thing in ADHD, which i suspect i might have, Or in attachments like copilot said. Yesterday i was feeling like i would enjoy her so much having her around or in my life 🙁

The first thing copilot says “when it’s not shown” feels right for me, because i am so hyper vigillant that if she doesn’t show me anything i imagine that something is wrong immediately, like a reflex.

I feel like if i don’t text her one day or two she will get hurt or leave. But i constantly think of her.. what is going on!

Hey anita

I too think that this is the case, because my brain craves intensity and highs, also when there is silence u can’t control it, but i think im retraining it now.

We videocalled for 8 hours yesterday, it went amazing! The moment her camera opened i saw her and i went like “WOW, so damn beautiful” (no exaggeration) and she blushed. We had so much fun, we did some skin care that she had sent me in my birthday gift and we laughed a lot haha. I was calling her baby and sweet names almost all the time because it felt natural, unlike in texts where i overthink, and it seemed weird. I so wanted to grab her and kiss her everywhere! I even had strong sexual urges during the whole videocall (sorry for TMI, just wanna give u an idea) and i was wondering how is this possible! I just felt and visualized hugging her tightly and just laying in bed with her and i was admiring her face/body. There were some moments that my brain went “now u will get bored of her” but i would brush them off saying in my head “ok so what?”, also i got this visual distortion once on her face but i looked elsewhere and it went away. We expressed how our avoidant sides get triggered and why. I would still feel that she’s not 100% invested but that’s normal with what we’ve been through. I told her “i hope we are not silent when we meet and be like in the videocall” haha. Something else which seemed weird is that i like her “family circle” so much. They little things they do, the group chats (with grandmas, uncles, parents and stuff), how they care for each other, their communication, i like all those things so much and i didnt even think i would ever pay attention to such things, some could even say im envious but in a good way, i admire them and i enjoy it so much when she tells me stories from their group chats! I also had some spontaneous thoughts like “wow, i like this girl so much and i wanna be with her that i actually might have to consider moving to another country for her” and it felt calm/logical, something i would come to terms with.. Overall we had a great time. But now, next day, i still get the “weird feelings” here and there, my brain saying that she’s not 100% in it and i’ll get hurt if she leaves, but everyone can leave, so it’s not a rational fear/thought. Also i notice that because i can’t see her, like in videocalls, my internal state kinda changes towards her but i should learn to accept it and not give it value!

Hey anita

Probably yes, i did feel attached to her yesterday, enjoyed our convo a lot 🙂

I have read about intrusive thoughts but those felt so real and disorienting, they completely pulled me out of the experience..

I think i would be fine with trying to live in cyprus, like i said, i’ve been there before, we speak the same language, better salaries, climate is pretty much like greece, better gas prices so i can ride the motorcycle more haha, not much different than greece in other aspects. But maybe she will want to move her after she visits, who knows? 🙂

Yes i didn’t feel like i could rely on anyone, that’s why i wasn’t telling them anything either, felt like they wouldnt help. I dont blame them, maybe i should have been more open too but idk..

I read copilot’s words and it seems like science fiction indeed! Maybe i am still recovering from the burnout and i can’t handle strong feelings? They are right indeed, i didnt feel like i could rest and this followed me until today. I am always hyper-aware of everything. I also believe that all my romantic partners will eventually leave, very hard to fully trust and let go, even tho this one is still here through it all 🙂
See what my mind does, before i went to sleep today (which was morning) she posted a story on her close friends group, i didn’t watch it because i wanted to sleep. I woke up, close-friends story is gone, there is a normal story instead. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach, immediately interpreted it as if “she removed me from close friends list, something is wrong” even tho she could have just deleted the story, because there are no indications that she would do that, we ended the night very affectionately and we scheduled videocall for tonight, but my mind still expects rejection. But i could just brush it off after 15-20 minutes and the thought is not affecting me anymore, which i think is a good thing, no?

Something else, i was fantasizing her coming here, us going on a small trip with my motorcycle in a close town with waterfalls. I pictured her standing next to the waterfalls staring at them and me going behind her and hugging her, kissing her cheek and just stand there. It did feel pretty good not gonna lie, but normally when i would imagine such things with the girls i was with previously, i would get another,stronger feeling. Which i can’t get after November with her..and i am trying to find out what this is.
Is it from the mental exhaustion that i went through all these months? Is it because the infatuation is gone and it evolved into something calmer? Is it because something is “missing” ? Or is it my own defenses which i can’t let down because i can’t “invest” in this relationship fully for some reason?? I would really like to find out!

Thank you anita for your efforts 🙂

Hey anita

I am honoured that u feel this way even from afar, same here 🙂

You are right, maybe i was asking too much from myself. I think i got pinned between either leaving my home or leaving her and since i didn’t want either, i froze maybe? Or could be just burnout idk, but it seemed so coincidential.

Indeed, that’s why we got a hard landing, but my initial plan was to have fun and spend time together, then see where this leads. Perhaps i was too caught up in the romance/fantasy that i didn’t really got the logistics into account. Not that it was the time for those, even tho i had those worries in the back of my mind for the distant future but still.

I used to be very attached to my father and my grandmother (my mother’s mom), but after 13 or so, i detached, buried myself into gaming and online fantasy-worlds (MMORPG games, building communities in other games and stuff).

I think he disappointed me because of the fights, arguments, violence that him and my mother brought into my life. Could be that he left sometimes too. For example, imagine me, 9 years old being on vacation at our second house (rural area, somewhat of a big village, my father used to drop us there as soon as i would finish school year and he would visit on his vacation days from work) waiting for him to come so he would take us to the beach, go-karts, bicycling, football (i used to play football from 5 to 14 y.o), let me drive his car around the empty field next to our house, take me to the zoo and spend time with him in general. Then all of a sudden, during his first or second day there, a fight breaks out between him and my mom and next thing i know, he’s packing his stuff going back to our main house in the city, doesn’t talk to me or if he did, he would say “ask ur mother” and my mother would just blame him and say all kinds of wrong things about him. All my dreams and plans would crash, the house would feel “awkward” for some days as a result of the aftermath, he would sometimes tell my mother that he’s not coming to take us back, then my mother would tell her cousin to take us home (in the end of vacation) and sometimes he would come, but still, i was expecting another fight returning home because of the things that happened before. Now that i read all that, it did feel like a minefield and i’m glad it’s in the past now. The other thing could be that nobody talked to me about emotions and stuff. I was “expected” to do things as an older son, take care of the garden, help my mother in chores and many more. So after 13 i would start drinking during our summer vacations with my friends. We would get drunk every other day with heavy liquor like vodka (Jin is my favorite haha), i was setting fires, stealing, ruining people’s houses sometimes, just because. I was lucky i never got caught and i stopped all that (except alcohol) at around 16 because i think i was smart enough to do that and not get dragged along with the rest of my then friends.
I think i gave u a pretty good summary of my early years haha, never done that before actually and it stirred some memories 🙂

I am giving it a chance this time because it feels better actually. I think they say 4-6 weeks until u see the benefits. Today i messaged her to check up on her (she hit her arm pretty badly) and we texted for 8 hours back n forth, like the good old times. At some point i even got a little excited for us to meet or videocall (we will videocall tomorrow) and i enjoyed talking to her. I think it’s just i don’t have the “blind infatuation” now and i actively choose her, something i’ve never done in my life before and it feels strange/scary.