Hmm, i dont understand how i feel safer with friends. I still think about her all the time though..

I suspect it probably activated with her because of the deep bonding but why did i lose mood for everything? If that was the case then i should be alright with the rest of my life…doesnt make any sense to me.

Yeah even tho she told me in the first months she felt neglected but then i fixed it, slowly..i described my actions and asked her, is this neglect? (The 9 hours videocalls, the messages, the drawings in the mornings so she can wake up to something nice, the flowers, the care i gave her, the support, the attention, everything) She said well no, but idk..

But how do u do that? What does that even mean? I dont understand..Ive always been vulnerable with her since the beginning, why did it come up almost a year after? It doesnt make sense..maybe it’s just burnout?

Well, now i lost that someone for good, none of this matters anymore, i think i am just procrastinating my grief.. i just want to stop existing in the past few weeks, sometimes i wish i dont wake up, the weight and the guilt/remorse, the pain of loss, they’re all unreal when they hit. I lost her right when she would travel here, i would hug her, kiss her, admire her up close..I fucked up badly and lost a pure soul that loved me, she said i shattered every bit of good she had for me in her.. How could she just abandon us for one panic lie? I wonder, doesn’t she miss me? Doesn’t she miss our convos, my care, our inside jokes, our love? How can she be so cruel and walk away? 🙁

Edit: Sincerely, Confused- not Copilot (3rd paragraph).