Hey Confused 🙂

Yes, he’s 👴(but with long hair and lots of tattoos)

I hear you — going all‑in feels meaningful to you, and I’m not arguing with that. What I’m pointing to is something different: when “all‑in” turns into giving a relationship power over your motivation, your mood, and your direction.

Enjoying intensity is one thing; losing yourself inside it is another. (You said on Sept 5: “I was more active in my life and I was enjoying things more… I would get motivated… but everything lost its meaning.”)

You can still go all‑in without handing over the steering wheel of your life. That’s the part I’m talking about. 🙂

Anita

Hey ✨️✨️✨️ Confused

I guess he is a hipster, it didn’t even cross my mind, but yeah: long hair, very, very casually dressed, lots of tattoos.. always been nice to me.

Overall you feel better overall, a lot better- a smile on my face 😊

The occasional doubting thoughts are a habit of the mind, I figure. I hope that over time, this mental habit gets quieter and quieter and new thinking replaces the old.

You wrote, “I would always lose myself in a relationship… but then I guess burnout?”-

Maybe the lost-Confused, needing to be found, competed with the girl for your attention by shutting down your feelings for her..? 🤔

🌿🌿🌿 Anita

Hey Irritated Confused 😒

Sounds like the relationship with her is going well, and that the irritation and feeling like sh** comes from elsewhere in your life: stagnation at work perhaps? stagnation with family (same old, never resolved problems swept under the carpet and fermenting there,, perhaps 🤔?

I said “Maybe the lost-Confused, needing to be found, competed with the girl for your attention by shutting down your feelings for her..?” because you said “I would always lose myself in a relationship”

Coming to think about it, I wonder what you mean by losing yourself..?

(I hope the question is not 😒-ing you)

Anita

Hey anita! I am ok and im sorry for taking so many days off the forums, i was doing some forum-detox! I hope things are ok for u 🙂

Yeah, the relationship was going fine and idk what’s bothering me, i think when i don’t find pleasure in other domains of my life i “blame” the relationship because i expect it to give me joy like in the beginning, i think im looking for the infatuation but im not sure.

I dont know if i can do that since all that requires me doing things that dont give me joy anymore, like going to the gym, riding the bike, etc and idk what’s the thing that bothers me, it feels like all my past self is gone, wild.

Hmm by losing myself i mean mostly hyperfocusing on the relationship, analyzing every action, every conversation, every shift, everything, my mood becoming dependant on how good the relationship is going, etc.

(no no its not)

It’s almost been a year… i think ive made some progress considering how i was back then until February..it was hell.
I am okay now but there were still days that i was irritated and not in a good mood but im chill now.

Today she hinted that she misses me and i told her i miss her too, but when i thought about it, i can’t “miss” anyone and never have in my life. I did miss her when we broke up for a month tho, badly, so it’s weird..

Dear Confused:

3 days ago, seems like the relationship was Calm and you felt Distant from her and No Spark (didn’t really miss her):

“Yeah, the relationship was going fine and idk what’s bothering me… Today she hinted that she misses me and I told her I miss her too, but when I thought about it, I can’t ‘miss’ anyone, and never have in my life. I did miss her when we broke up for a month tho, badly, so it’s weird..” (Oct 12, 2026)

On Dec 22, 2025, you shared: “This is indeed how I grew up and calmness equaled distance between my parents… which meant either distant or that a fight would break out soon, even with me. I did learn subconsciously that chaos/intensity = feelings, possibly love even and at times within my relationships I’ve felt like I crave some light ‘drama’ to feel ‘alive’.

“I’ve always believed that calm relationships = bad thing with no ‘spark’… When she would open up to me about her trauma and fears, I would feel this intense longing and empathy for her, wanting to hold her close and calm her/make all her fears go away.”

I figure that because you grew up in danger, adrenaline became normal, and calm was suspicious. When your parents fought — yelling, chaos, physical conflict — you felt awake, focused, charged/ activated- and that became your baseline.

So now, as an adult, when your girlfriend became emotional, scared, or unstable, it recreated that same adrenaline surge and you felt suddenly alive.

But when the drama stops and things get quiet (like it seems recently, 3 days ago), you feel empty. Without adrenaline, you drop into numbness or a depression‑like state. 

Growing up, your body learned: CHAOS = CONNECTION,

CALM = NOTHING.

With your girlfriend, emotional instability (like during the breakup!) recreates that same adrenaline surge, so you felt alive and engaged, but when the intensity stops, you drop into numbness or a depression‑like state because the “connection chemical” (adrenalin) disappears.

Children in chaotic homes often feel “connected” during fights because everyone is emotionally activated at the same time. So, with your girlfriend, emotional instability recreates that same “everyone is activated, everything is happening, I’m needed, I’m alert” feeling.

That’s why you feel alive during drama — it matches the emotional intensity of childhood.

What says Confused?

🤔 Anita