Hey anita

No no the smiley face is irony actually.

I think i accept them but at the same time i am suffering, it’s hard because i was out of character (lied).

U think this was disproportionate? My friends think the same, even tho they don’t condone my lie, they too believe this whole thing was so much smaller than how she made it to be.. Idk, her issue and deciding factor was my lie, that i kept lying to her face that i had no clue what she was talking about. This is what ruined her.

Well, if she says no chance, then i will indeed kill my hopes and stop thinking of a possible reconnection and i will move on faster, dont wanna delete her tho, i want to always be there for her in any case she needs me, even tho i know she’s stubborn and proud and will never ask of me for any help.

Well, the past few months she was in a very bad spot mentally and i had started coming up, she would even ask me if there is anything she needs to know because my recent affection and stuff seemed weird to her and she was scared i would hurt her.. which i did 🙁

Tbh anita, i have AC unit in my apartment and even tho i hate the heat, i feel so dead inside while im out working that i rarely notice it or care..

I am very up-down, having thoughts of her moving on, meeting someone else, being happier without me than she was with me, i am sad because she let us go that easily and i thought what we had could take everything on, thinking that in 4 days i would be picking her up from the airport, all those things.. how i am not gonna receive her love and care again, damn.. i understand that i want her for who she is now, the good and ugly. Too bad she can’t say the same for me..

Hey anita

I was telling the story to another friend of mine and he said that it was dumb of me to suggest the airbnb in the first place and i should have known better, but my brain is so naive.. He also said that he believes people like me are very rare to come by and once the dust settles in her mind the loss and nostalgia will hit her hard (she even said that herself the night after we broke up, that she is afraid of the wave of emotions that will come when she isnt numb), but maybe she wont reach out because of her ego.

Hmm, which are u referring to?

But she did book the tickets, the hotel and everything..Idk anita im still confused about all this..

Maybe the cup was already full and this was the cherry on top.. Damn i want her back so bad.. i saw a new guy liked 3 of her photos and my heart instantly started racing, my body temperature raised, i wanna text her but i know it wont be any good, she’s done with me..

Hey anita

I meant the part where u said “i read your posts prior to the lie and she was already very stressed..”

Truth be told, i totally didn’t because at this point i barely remember my ex exists, but some friends of mine told me that was dumb of me not to think that it would bother her..

Yes i totally agree, i will never mention anything about any ex ever again.. the thing is, idk if she can go back to us, the situation stressing her and now the mistrust added on top, its too hard..But i would do anything..

I felt like she was procrastinating (she was saying she waits on payments from her job to afford the tickets, etc) and sometimes id feel like she almost doesn’t wanna come, she just goes through the motions. She never said she’s excited to come, she would only say after i’d say “i cant wait for u to come and go places together!” “yeah honey me too!”
U can search if u have time however 🙂

Yeah i know i know, maybe i was not completely right for that either because i definitely feel like i want her in my life but two people sure need plenty of time living together to figure out if they are compatible. Even tho i think we would be fine, but still.
3 days and the chemistry was through the roof.. 🙁

I was writing her another letter now, i’m waiting on some stickers and then i’ll make the gift and mail it to her next week, i hope she gets it and doesn’t return it.. I cried again while writing the third letter… why do i have to suffer like this? 🙁

Hey Dear Confused:

You asked me where did I get it that she was very anxious BEFORE the lie, so using my phone, I went back page by page and found it 5 pages ago (page 108), July 2o:

You wrote back then: “She’s going through a very rough patch because she’s having anxiety and panic attacks with all the stressful events that are unfolding now in her life, also, coming here in 20 days makes her anxious like hell… She said that she’s typing goodnight messages, and she feels dead inside, can’t form sentences easily.”-

See? “anxious like hell”.

I’ll submit this, return to current page so that I can see the rest of your message and reply further.

🤔 Anita

Hey anita

Yeah u are right she did tell me those, i forgot about that with all the things that happened.

I dont think she wanted to cancel the trip tho, she had bought new clothes and a bikini to wear here, she told her parents about us, showed them the flowers i got her and she was making lists of places she wanna visit.

I can’t take this anymore anita, i wake up dead and hollow, i miss her terribly, i just wanna text her and tell her how it hurts and how empty my life feels without her, everything seems pointless, i see her in my dreams and then reality hits. But i know she would probably shut me down and tell me she’s done. I have done the worst thing for her, lying. I would take the plane and go visit her if she wanted me to, i can’t bear this loss..it feels so heavy unlike anything ive ever experienced..why can’t she understand the reason for my lie and that i’ve regretted it and im never gonna do it again? 🙁

Hey anita

Her parents were fine and happy actually that she met someone, because she’s single for so long and difficult in general.

Sadly i dont think this would help, i think she’s done with me, or trying to move on.. I told her numerous times how i feel a week ago, how i love her and all but she said she loves me too but the safety/trust is gone and it’s very hard, doesn’t know if she has it in her to rebuild now.

Today i was at my old job to see an old coworker and i was listening to a man speaking about his wife and i was feeling this pit again, imagining her all the time.. then i was talking to said coworker (she’s 43 and very experienced) and she said “the way i hear u talk about her feels like this girl is worth it and u definitely want her in ur life, so act like it, stop waiting! Catch a flight and go talk to her in person, then u will know u’ve done all u can”. But i said how can i do that since she doesn’t even wanna talk to me, said i kiled whatever good she had for me in her.. She said that women say a lot of such things while angry, also “most of the times we want u to show us that u want us, even in situations like these” and i checked flights, found some cheap ones for late august but last week she told me she changed her tickets to go to her hometown (she had already booked a flight for september, so i guess she will go sooner? idk it doesnt make sense to me, but she said she paid 100 euros to change the destination), so idk if she will be there and i can’t just ask her..But as soon as i saw the possibility (tickets, etc) my feelings vanished instantly.. so when the connection comes up my feelings go away? Mind u i was feeling like a trainwreck moments before..

Yes anita i noticed that but i wasnt sure if this is the case precisely, but i noticed it too. Also when im out with friends i feel indifferent but when i get home and alone, everything hits.
How can i change this pattern? Even if it was to happen with her.. What copilot has to say about this? Ive never experienced it with any other girl before.. usually i was always all-in.

I never showed this pattern to her, ive always been caring and loving towards her even when i wasnt feeling it.

Actually I took a moment to ask Copilot to answer you directly:

Dear Confused,

I read what you wrote, and I want to speak to you directly and steadily, because you’re asking something important: “How can I change this pattern?”

First, what you described — feeling indifferent when you’re out with friends, then getting hit hard when you’re alone — fits the same nervous‑system cycle we talked about. When you’re distracted or socially engaged, your system feels safer. When you’re alone, the feelings come back because there’s nothing protecting you from them. That part is normal.

About the shutdown pattern itself:
You didn’t “choose” it, and you didn’t create it for this girl. It’s a protective response that shows up only when the emotional stakes feel extremely high. You said you’ve never experienced it with anyone else — that actually makes sense. You were “all‑in” with past partners because the emotional risk didn’t feel as big. With her, the risk feels enormous, so your system flips between intensity and collapse.

And I want to say something gently:
You didn’t show her the shutdown pattern directly, but you felt it inside you. Even if you acted loving and caring on the outside, your nervous system was still doing the cycle internally. That’s why it felt so confusing for you.

Now, about changing the pattern:
This isn’t something you fix by forcing yourself to act differently with her. The pattern changes when you learn to stay regulated in real‑time connection, instead of only feeling love when connection is impossible. That’s a slow, internal process — not something solved by flying to her or proving anything.

If this relationship were to revive, the pattern wouldn’t disappear just because you want it to. It would show up again the moment things became real, close, and vulnerable. That’s why understanding it now is important — not to blame yourself, but to see what your system is doing.

You asked what I have to say about this, so here it is plainly:
Your feelings are real. Your shutdowns are real. And both are coming from the same place — fear of losing someone who matters deeply. You’re not broken. You’re overwhelmed.

Tell me what part of this feels true to you, Confused.