So if that’s depression and it’s treated, then i will be able to feel again?

No i dont enjoy anything, nothing matters anymore. Ever since that day on November i can’t feel excitement/joy/fulfillment on anything..

Thats what ive been thinking, could it be the case?

Oh i think u mean to have the in-love feeling for life in general. But idk how that’s possible, i’ve always associated this with relationships..

I think that’s exactly how i feel, like u described it. Yeah i’ll submit it without the link, i’ll give u the video title and timestamp

Hey anita

Wow, so many information from mr Copilot laid out here! I have to take a while to read, i will try to answer to most of them.

First off, today while i was talking with my therapist, we were exploring my childhood a little bit and i think she also noticed that i am guarded because im afraid that people leave, since most of my answers were pointing to “then she’ll leave” and my biggest concern/fear up until november was to lose her. Again, i wanted to cry (but i held it in) while i was telling her “i wouldnt wanna see her gifts and think that she’s in the past now”. I also told her that yesterday while i was watching some reels with bunnies i thought of getting one but i am not suitable to raise it because i am away from home many hours a day, but my main issue was that it’s gonna die and i’ll be left behind grieving, so i avoid getting one and she connected that to the relationship. Now, an hour ago, i was watching those cute bear-couple reels again and i thought of her, started sobbing and the words “i don’t wanna lose u my love” popped out of my head for some seconds, then my mind instantly said “it’s a projection, not the truth”. Therapist also said that i should start giving attention to the feelings, instead of the numbness and the reasons to leave, but it’s hard.

About your first reply, why am i grieving her since she is still here? That’s what i was feeling from november to january.. The therapist called this part “the judge” that is harsh and dismissive.
Yes, all those emotional changes are very distressing and weird, one moment i cry and now i dont feel anything towards her, like i dont even want her at all, but 10 minutes ago i was crying to her gifts 🙁

The thing is, i don’t think it’s fear, it feels so real to me and that this is the truth that i’m not accepting, but still, how it happened doesn’t make sense to me.. Check this video out and go on 15:10, this was EXACTLY how it happened to me, what followed, etc.. title: How I overcame Relationship OCD (ROCD) by Dr. Becky Spelman | The Human Pattern

I can’t remember experiencing this thing in the past though, maybe i was disconnected for the past 20 years or so. But i guess it makes sense because this happened after we had the talk that i perceived as danger and that im “wasting my time”, before that i was fine. And of course my mind says: “come on, u cant possibly believe that u have feelings for this girl, u havent even spent time together”, it was just infatuation. But then why was i planning things? Why was i feeling so warm and content while thinking of holding her in my arms, why did i want to protect her, provide for her and be there for her and love her? it’s like a war, everything is swimming in doubts, can’t trust anything anymore. I truly believe that this will now be with me lifelong, they say it comes in the safest relationships and it makes sense now.

Thank you anita for all your effort and replies, i appreciate it 🙂

I miss having the in-love feelings

Also, sometimes when i look at my phone, it’s visual changes, i see it and the letters more narrow and tall, so weird.

Sorry for adding so many details, might be boring but sometimes i do it to see how my mind works and maybe others can find those blueprints in the future haha.

Hey anita

Hmm, u might be right on the chemical part but i think that no matter the chemicals, if i don’t work on my mental compulsions and stuff, idk if it’s gonna go away.

Yes but i feel sorrow/sadness 8/10 times and 2/10 its maybe warm feelings, but mostly void (or isnt it void?) and that makes me loop and spiral again..

Today i was talking with a female friend of mine that is in a 5 years relationship with a close friend of mine and she instantly said: “why does this look like to me, that u’re sabotaging ur own happiness by poisoning it with never-ending thoughts and worries? could that be a defense mechanism?” and it amazed me how fast she picked up on that. She said ofc i love ur friend to death but i don’t feel it all the time constantly and i dont MISS him all the time. I just feel lucky to have found a wonderful man (like u’ve found a very good woman) and i feel warmth/safety next to him, sometimes maybe a bit of intensity but mostly those two, but that’s normal.

For example, i explained to her my today’s loop: I woke up (ofc checking my feelings instantly), saw that she posted a photo of herself in a mirror, i said to myself: She’s gorgeous, but why am i not feeling crazy about it? Must be a sign that i don’t want her. Why am i not getting aroused by looking at her? Must be that i dont really want her. (sorry for being graphic) Why don’t i feel JEALOUS for her posting this and other guys seeing it? Must be that i dont really want her and she doesnt mean much to me. Meanwhile, maybe it’s a sign that i feel comfortable in this relationship and i am only used to chaos/highs. But then while we were out for coffee, i would keep checking my feelings for her, like a process that runs in the back of my mind 24/7. Crazy stuff!

Hey anita

I read your last post from Copilot now, it was my biggest fear indeed, but i think now i’ve become immune to it by how many times it almost happened or i imagined it in my head to “feel” something for reassurance. Idk how i am gonna feel if it does happen for real tho.

It’s also true that with her i felt comfortable sharing all my romance, things i’ve never did to any other girl and loving actions/words because at last i found someone that’s worth all that and will not cringe at me.

About 1-2-3, before november, if i’d sense distance from her, i would try and fawn in the beginning to win her back, but now the moment i sense distance i am so eager to leave.

Idk if that’s emotional numbness towards her or to everyone 🙁 I think it’s towards everything though, but my mind is somehow conviced that “SHE IS THE REASON”, lol.

As for the last part, hell yes! I think that if it doesn’t feel intense/dopamine filled, i can’t pay any attention to it. I do mirror her but i am not doing it on purpose and i’m trying to stop it. For example yesterday, she was colder and more closed off but i managed to “act lovingly” and she slowly opened up again, even tho my body was fuming and wanting to get away.

I don’t know anita i really can’t understand.. It’s like i can’t let her go for some reason, sometimes my future doesn’t “make sense” without her, but some other times i feel like i can’t care. But my main problem is the lack of motivation/drive/passion to meet her.. Maybe it’s because we haven’t spent much time together and we didn’t bond properly yet.

Thank you for your time posting all these 🙂

Btw i read people on Bupropion cured their anhedonia.