Hey anita

Right? your post is spot-on. We’ve been doing this since the beginning, discussing about our fears/preferences and stuff and then sometimes “arguing” over things that dont exist and might never do! I get it that it’s a way for her feeling secure but i told her “would u rather me telling u a bunch of lies or letting u know how im having a hard time with myself in the past months and being truthful?”

I feel inadequate after the november incident, before that i was so sure of myself (because of the feelings being present)

I am trying to remove pressure but right now things are not looking too good. She has some health problems that weigh her down and she’s being distant since our conversation yesterday and me being triggered. I texted her today to ask how she’s feeling with her issues and our convo was feeling like a job interview, i would ask, she would answer. So eventually she went to sleep and i told her that its ok if she’s not feeling like talking and she shouldnt force it, to which she answered “i dont wanna complain all the time, and i am getting the same vibe from u”, i was like “whaaaat?” i tried many times to spark a convo but her replies gave no effort. Perhaps that’s her taking it slower, more chill/laid back.

Anyway my avoidance feels even more triggered now and my body screams to get away but i will ignore that because i think that’s the insecurities talking. I thought of my plans/dreams i’ve had with her during the summer and how warm and loving i felt for her and i cried before, like how did that all vanish overnight?!.. After all, this whole ordeal is not her fault, it started from me.

Today i rode the motorcycle again and went to chill and BBQ with friends but i was feeling so empty and numb, detached, like i was watching everyone having fun from a distance, a bystander. Meanwhile my mind was constantly focused on her.

Could anhedonia had started all these, anita?

I just saw your post.

I understand what u mean but that’s the reality and whoever refuses to see it is delusional for me. I’m all in for romance and stuff but the truth is we dont know how we click on a daily basis (i had told her this since the beginning), how we react to each other, etc, so she rushes to step 5 for example, while we havent even gone through the 2nd step. For all i know, she could be the one rejecting me in the end after we meet and decide to try, no? I told her that she basically seeks control by trying to predict the future, by bringing up “possible issues that might arise” without them having present themselves and that robs us of the present moments and the experience we could be having. For example, instead of us planning our next meet, what we gonna visit/do and enjoy it in general, we discuss about future “issues” that MIGHT happen and thats something i remember us doing since the early days, i guess this was us trying to feel “safer” by reassuring each other with theories. I told her that things could be very different from what we gauge through online communication and we should just live and enjoy the moments now, rather than worrying about “what could happen”.

Well, i basically felt like im not enough and i cant give her what she needs and that she’s preparing to leave me (this were mostly my insecurities talking, i told her that) and this triggered my avoidance hard. She said that she’s not gonna just leave out of the blue because she has feelings for me and she never meant to make me feel inadequate, but i explained to her that this is MY issue to fix and she has nothing to do with it, also i would find it completely reasonable for her to not feel satisfied with me at the moment and that it’s ok to ask for more.

Yes i did that and i told her that she shouldnt try to make “plans” without us having even lived together for some time and she said that maybe she should be more down to earth and take a step back, but idk what she means by that..

Hey anita

I never thought that this was possible in romantic feelings, to feel more than u can handle and shutdown!

Hmm, i think it was somewhat of a “reassurance” ? To see if she leaves me or if everything is ok?

Today we had a convo and she told me that she feels uneasy and bad because i am causing her uncertainty and i felt like i have to end it right there and then because it’s not fair for her 🙁 (i didn’t but now that’s all i think about)

I am big into labels too, gives me some relief usually.

When is the pre-label time?

But how can i WANT her and suddenly NOT want her, while wanting to want her? Its so confusing!

Maybe u are right, i wasn’t considering this as a build up, but i was indeed very anxious a lot of the times.

I dont trust myself because of what happened, which could just be depression that caused my rocd to flare and my mind keeps blaming her (because ive seen it plenty of times on reddit) 🙁

And about the last part, now that i read it again, it feels as if it’s a “responsibility” now, rather than something that i don’t wanna do and hurt her. It’s very weird how my mind shifts

Also, if it wasn’t for her i wouldn’t even bother doing work with therapists and looking into these things. If she’s not in the picture i don’t find any motivation to keep doing what i do, i will drop everything