Hey anita

Today we visited another friend outside town but i still felt empty and alone… i was crying in my helmet again while driving home, idk if i can do this anymore, it hurts so much..

Yeah she had told me “now i have to tell my parents, let’s see what i am gonna tell them… and imagine i was convincing everyone that u are different than most men, how stupid i was”

It all feels hopeless and unbearable, i want to somehow escape 🙁

Hey anita

That had been my intentions actually, until i woke up in November feeling like i have no interest in pursuing romance, but still i pushed through and managed to start getting some of it back. I am all for 100% commitment, ride or die, living life together and stuff.

Well, i can’t say for certain when we havent lived with each other, i think neither could she, but my 100% commitment on this part was to willingfully commit to her and to this plan as a first step towards the next plans, in my head that’s commitment, not seeing someone and still choosing them for what u have and what u plan with them is one of the biggest commitments, at least in my head.

I think in my head this is the highest u can get before u experience the other person IRL, but i guess she couldn’t just do that since she was so in her head, looking for faults everywhere.. sometimes i feel like she was looking for reasons to leave, not to stay, but maybe it’s just me idk..

Hmm, my first reaction is to get defensive (in an argument for example), idk if that’s the inner child but i have managed to suppress it for a good amount.

Hey anita

How do i listen to the boy instead then?

I can’t say “hell yeah lets get married” with any person i haven’t lived with yet (neither could she), but i can say that i want to move towards this goal, take the next steps necessary for this to happen. I think that’s the equivalent of being all-in with someone before having lived with them.

But how do u differentiate? I love her character traits, the way she cares, how she speaks and moves, her eyes, her reactions in our convos while we were having fun, our communication and inside jokes/ways we had with each other, her morals, her consideration for me.. damn i fumbled hard anita, this was a woman worth being with and working things with, i wonder if she says the same for me 🙁

Well, considering i was never a marriage person, i would say this is a pretty bold statement for me.

For your second message:

Yeah she focused only on how she felt, not on why this happened, maybe she was unable at the time? Maybe she didnt want it? Idk

No, i’ve never even thought of that before her, it’s something that came to my mind after her (during her), never had i thought that something like that exists within us..

My answer would probably be “hell yeah, let’s explore this! How do we start working towards that goal?” and set some plans. For example: visits for starters and not back down from that, then set an end-time for the distance and decide who moves where.

I was thinking, do i love her or the idea of her? Am i holding on to her because i love her or because of sunk cost fallacy? I dont know i feel confused!

Hey anita

I dont know if the lie itself was the problem, she told me that she was hurt and everything crumbled inside her because i was lying to her face repeatedly with such ease and that made her see me in some other way.. Even if i explained to her why i did it she said “that doesn’t change how i felt”, so i guess that’s the issue, not why i lied, it’s that i was insisting on my lie, that’s why she can’t trust me again.

Could be a possibility because she definitely had some family issues (although not even close to mine i think) but she never really shared much of it.

Today i visited some friends at a countryhouse, they had a BBQ and i went just for the company, i only lasted for two hours, i felt an overwhelming urge to leave, like something inside of me was boiling, so i left and i was crying inside my helmet almost the whole trip home (90 kms), for having hurt my little girl who loved me so much 🙁
Also, an hour ago while working i thought how i hurt the “little child inside her” and i started crying again.. This whole thing has left me a mess, i barely eat anymore, sleep like 5 hours a day, she’s all i can think of.. But what hurts me the most is the rejection, her rejection to the love i wanted to give her, to the places i wanted to take her (she said i dont even wanna hear about ur city’s name now), i’ve had so much to give her and i screwed up, wanted to take her from the airport, show her weird spots that i had saved, stroke her hair, hug her… Thinking i will never get to experience those because of my own faults is a different kind of sorrow, i feel like im in a void, i want her back so much, i wanted to do life with her… A month ago i was listening to a song and a random image came to my mind, us kissing while listening this song in our marriage, i think i told u that before but still, it plays in my head.. i dont know if i will ever forgive myself for hurting her and for this dumb lie i said out of fear. 🙁

Im glad u like it, i wish u could see the rest of it too 🙂 I bought stickers with bubu and dudu (the bear couple we were relating us to) and stuck some stickers on the letter folders with an accurate description of us in each situation, moments i would like to take care of her (just like how dudu does to bubu), carrying her to bed, tucking her in, told her i hope we can write the rest together one day..

She can become really cold and distant when she wants to detach/defend her feelings tho, but i am worrying she will just let it get returned, not even open it.. let’s hope she does open it, but my friend asked me “what do u expect with that?” Tbh i dont know, i think ultimately to get back together, be better, try again with a different approach maybe? But sometimes i think even if we get back together then what? How do u rebuild through distance? Even tho i was thinking of catching a flight and going there.

Yes, she told me that this is how she is, if she said “its over” or if there are lies/cheating involved, she’s out. She even said “i can’t recognize who u are right now after lying so easily to my face, whatever comes out ur mouth feels like a lie”. Its hard to believe how bad she took it.. 🙁

Hey anita

Thank you anita 🙂 I didn’t know it either, but with her, since the beginning, every letter, every word, every gift they all came naturally, i wrote her 3 letters, glued stickers from that cute bear couple and wrote a description of us for each one, printed the photos i took 2 days ago from the stars and the sky we would see together, wrote things behind each photo, went to the beach and gathered some sea shells, two of them i pierced and made them into two necklaces with words inside them. All those gestures are just flowing with her, idk why and how, never had it with anyone else before, nobody knows this side of me in my life, just u and her haha. The thing is, i still experience this ambivalence, while i am grieving and crying, feeling the complete void inside me when i imagine the future without her, all of a sudden everything vanishes and i feel indifferent and distant, my eyes turn cold and my gaze cruel (ive seen it in the mirror and some friends of mine also noticed), idk what’s this but i would really like to find out, idk to what kind of therapist i should go to. I left the box to the post office today, it will probably be at her door around wednesday, i hope she’s there to receive it and im so scared she’s gonna just send it back 🙁

As of the message, idk where i’ll send it, i am dreading her reply, her saying “im over us” or something like that but like i said, this will kill my hopes and give me easier closure i suppose 🙁

Here is a photo of the box before i closed it 🙂

Hey anita

Hmm i see what copilot is saying.. maybe he is right or maybe she just doesn’t care anymore? But why bother unhiding me on a random wednesday at 12 at night..? I wanna solve this ambivalence by communicating with her but im afraid of her reactions and responses, it will break my heart more if she’s cold and final 🙁
I prepared the gift and i will mail it tomorrow, let’s hope she won’t reject it.

I know but i screwed up so bad, i want her so much and i lied to her like a moron and broke her trust..i can’t forgive myself for that, ruined her heart that loved me so much..I dont want this to be final, i dont want us to part forever 🙁

Hmm i think they were saying she’s difficult in general, as in closed off, distant, etc..

I miss my baby girl anita, i dont wanna lose her forever 🙁