No no i mean, it was me who did something inconsiderate in september that started all this BS, otherwise things would have been smooth sailing. We had so good communication overall, we respected each other’s space and everything.
Idk, i am thinking maybe she’s kinda over me that’s why she removed the hide.

Yeah yeah, future plans+fear of losing her, mostly the second one i think was deadly serious for me, never wanted to lose her. I enjoyed the intensity of the connection, but i think the texting got to us, we should have changed our schedule and habits until we recharge. But how do u do that?

I think i did it out of “anger” too, for her prying and i thought maybe she was bluffing at first.. What i should have done was tell her the truth and that my past doesn’t concern her, draw the line there. I should have never removed the likes in the first place.
I am not idealizing, i think i am pretty grounded on grieving what we had, not what we could have been. Even tho i do that too… damn, 1 week would be left until we ride together and i take her places, i guess it wasn’t meant to be 🙁

I know the pain wont stay this sharp, but the loss of a connection so deep will remain for years, i dont think i will ever find a person that gets me in so many areas. If only i could ease my fear of abandonment..

Hey anita

Yeah but this only happened when i caused it, she didnt become like this on her own, so that’s why i was acting this way..

Yeah then definitely im burnt out. But i am so sad, devastated, can’t accept the fact that she left just like that..by my own stupidity!
I cry again remembering our little things, our deep and special connection. I doubt i will find anything like it again.

I think today i understood why i have rocd, it stops me from feeling anything. Because while i was working i was analyzing my feelings/circumstances/etc and i said to myself “why am i keep doing that? what am i trying to get out of it?” the answer was: nothing, u are just avoiding the pain. I guess while in the relationship with her i was avoiding something else, but what? Maybe copilot could shed some light.

Its friday morning here!

Hmm, it all feel like they switch so fast, thats why im saying that. But i know i probably am not.

No, we talked 3 days ago, i sent her two 5-minute voice messages to tell her how much i love her, how sorry i am this happened and that she doesn’t have to worry about me ever being unfaithful or anything while we were exclusive. I also cried while recording the messages, told her how much i miss her, sharing my day with her, caring for her and all.

She said “i hope all u say is true because i can’t handle believing something else, i am crying my eyes out again..”

She told me to take care and take my stomach meds and i told her to force some food into her (she lost 3 kgs already) and to take her vitamins and im here whatever she decides.. We didnt talk after that, i am expecting every day her name will pop up on my screen and she will say “i cant do this anymore” and she’ll remove me. Idk, nothing feels right without her anita, it feels like a part of myself is missing and ive never felt that for anyone in my life, and ive lost people. Then i feel indifference, a bit angry and disappointed because how can she just discard what we had like this?
I was always there for her, telling her to videocall me on her way home some nights, spending endless sleepless nights comforting her insecurities and fears for months, listening to her, sending her vitamins, flowers, gifts, her phone screen protector was cracked and she had no time to go and buy from the store, i ordered 8 (4 privacy-4 clear) so she’s covered for a long time, 3 phone cases with Formula logos and stuff (she’s a F1 girl), found dance schools near her so she doesnt have to search when she said she wanted to start some dancing, found her 2 AC units close to her so she can manage the heat for her autoimmune, checked her flights while moving countries, found her movies to watch, fixed her laptop issues from a distance, leaving her notes while she was sleeping to take her umbrella in the morning when i would see it’s gonna rain, talked to a pharmacy near me arranging some “off the record” deal to send her meds for her autoimmune when she will be at her homecountry because she can’t access them easily there, even thought of buying her painting canvas and water paint so she could start her old hobby that she quit and send me paintings for me to hang on my walls, found her hotels and tickets to help her with her flight here, laid out plans so she’s not anxious, even offered to pay for stuff because i knew she was tight on money.. I was thinking of driving her to and off from work sometimes, bringing her food, coffee, chocolates, flowers, taking her on small trips, even imagined us working hard to build her own dental office, if we would be to live together..
How can she not think of those while blaming me for ruining her? Calling me a narcissistic asshole? Then i feel void, then i cry again.. I was looking at her profile two hours ago admiring her beauty..a beauty that is not mine now.

Im sorry i wrote all these, it came naturally because i would actually remember things i did for her but now it feels like im bragging or i did them to control.. Ive never done any of those things for anyone ever before, not gonna show this part of myself again too.

Haha so how do we fix that? Because it sure is not rational and we can’t control it.. I think i get it sometimes..|

Well i did feel like i want her in my life as my woman, but how can we know if we actually are good for each other unless we live together for a while? In my head one contradicts the other. U might be wanting someone like crazy but u are not a good match because of other issues, idk. It would be too soon to say that we are building a life together, having only met for 3 days. But i did have vision of us building her dental office somewhere, working together hard and making it happen. Also the random thought, us getting married and kissing her while everybody else watch, playing the song i was hearing at that moment.. Idk what are those thoughts but they came randomly.

Idk anita i am confused again, do i really love her? am i afraid of the void? do i want her to fill my void? What is the case.. i have no clue anymore.

Hey anita

Idk if she feels like that right now, i think she wants distance from me overall for the time being. She said that she has black eyes from crying, i do too.. why can’t she see that we want to be together and try to work things out? How can two people that want each other so badly stay apart?

We are definitely more comfortable in a LDR because that’s how we met each other and fell in love, but IRL would be so much better. I remember our hug/kiss, it was epic for me, electrifying..

Well i told her that no matter what plans we have for the future we first have to see how we are together for a month, for example, sleep/wake up/live together, then we can proceed to making plans, otherwise it would be kinda “useless” for me. I did have plans tho, i had told her to book a ticket when returning from cyprus in december with a stop here in my city for like a day or two and then we can both fly to germany and spend some time there, or go to another country close to her for x-mas. I mean, thats the only plan for me, get to know each other better IRL.

I think she was pressuring herself to not “let me down” in terms of appearance, behaviour, etc.. she’s so silly.. i would melt everytime we would videocall, how can’t she see that? I was telling her how pretty she was in our calls and she wouldnt believe me.

Pretty much yeah but i dont think we will be incompatible, we share many same values and opinions, such as chores, food, movies, hanging out with each other.

Hey anita

Yes for the past 3 days up until i wrote my last message i was feeling very in love and grieving. Now that i went out with a friend and talked about it, he got angry and told me that i put up with a lot of shit and baggage she brings that i am not responsible for. He told me i am not the only one at fault and basically it was her fault for messing with the past.
After that i felt indifference for her, like i dont care whether she comes back or not. Maybe it’s my defense mechanism kicking in, idk.. or its because i stopped taking full responsibility and started seeing her more as an equal?

My sleep schedule is not good and i barely sleep the last days, but i think tonight is gonna be better. Haha thank you for your kind words anita, ευχαριστώ πολύ, σου εύχομαι το ίδιο..

Hey anita

All the time i hope its a nightmare that i am gonna wake up from. Didnt know i could love and hurt this much 🙁

It was her insecurities piling up since september and me trying to gaslight her now, i think.

Oh yeah, she marked my soul deeply, my sweet loving girl… how i wish this was not true, i can’t bear this pain, feelings turn off and on sometimes, like waves 🙁

Why can’t she see how much i love her? why? why can’t she realize this was a mistake out of fear and not a lie to cover things. How could she discard me so easily? 🙁