Hey anita

Yeah i sat down and thought of all the times i was telling her “i miss u” for example (it was mostly me expressing feelings first, 99% of the times) and she would say “me too”, but never booked tickets to come see me or made any plans for videocalls/movie night, or the times she said she has no money/time but still found some to pay for her friends train tickets/airbnb/food on april and on may for her siblings when they visited for the concert. But someone could say “well, why didnt YOU go to her if she wasn’t able to?” And they would be right, but i too wanted to feel some effort and feel wanted here and there, it was also the ocd that was giving me a hard time. Then i offered to pay for her tickets and she could just pay for mine when i would visit her and she refused saying “i dont like owing money”, which to me shows again that she isn’t willing to change/evolve for the greater good of our relationship. It seemed like she wouldn’t get out of her comfort zone, maybe she was too scared to take steps forward or i wasn’t a priority in her life right now? i dont know.

She’s a kind and loving soul but yeah, she has some trauma which i triggered probably without wanting to that makes her so defensive and distant/closed off. We texted today a bit, asked her how her day went, about some other things she’s planning for her bestie’s marriage and stuff, showed me the dress she bought. She is still like 70% cautious/distant but is kinda warm at times.

You and i know it but a person with trust issues and insecurities is very hard to trust from a distance and see those things clearly when they’re in their head and are so afraid of getting hurt, i guess. The first thing i am gonna clarify before we begin talking is what u said before, that i am not here to prove myself innocent, we’re here to open up about what bothered us and feel heard.

She specified on the “ex” part (idk if there are on other domains too). She said i talked about exes too many times. But tbh i dont remember because i dont care about them, i might drop a story here and there but it was mostly stories about creepy things or things that made me grow in a way and i was explaining how the growth worked. Maybe she has a different eye for those things than me, after all most people wouldnt be ok with this and think different than me.

Btw i read her note again and i cried, how she misses me and how much i hurt her with this stupid “lie” 🙁

I remember how good we were before i woke up like this in November and i miss that, i wanna go back to this and better with her..But she has to let go and trust me 🙁

But we have been trolling around plenty of times and there was no issue, perhaps its some specific matters that trigger her.

Hmm, how could we know that? She told me to videocall around friday/saturday to discuss all the things we have to say and what bothered us so she could look at my eyes too and get something more than texts, she said that there is a lot of contradictions that she saw from me over the year, that she hadn’t paid any attention to, that they were piling up without her realizing and now she wants to tell me. She doesn’t know what will the outcome be for us right now because she feels torn, she wants to talk but at the same time she doesnt, kinda like me, we just have to discuss with honesty and lay everything on the table because now we’ve got nothing to lose.

Hmm, as safe as i can feel with anyone since i’ve never felt “fully” safe around anyone, i always keep to myself, even with friends. Or maybe familiarity?

The thing is, now i feel like “i dont want her” and it confuses me a lot because yesterday and the whole month ive been crying so much, missing her, wanting to be with her and all, but suddenly it vanishes. I also feel exposed now that she got my letters..

She also wrote letters/notes about how she felt and she sent me one, wow anita, it was very similar to what i was writing in my letters, how we miss each other, how we see every day mundane stuff and we think of one another, but i felt a bit sorrow and suddenly nothing, then i felt like a heartless idiot that strings her along… Even the song she’s listening to nowadays is the same i am and we’ve never talked about this song, so many similarities with this woman.. How can i find my loving feelings again? It feels like something is blocking them.

Hey anita

That’s not very nice i think, better to not reply at all, imo.

Yeah, she opened the gift today to take the roses out and told me she’s gonna see the rest after work 🙂

I don’t know how she didn’t feel like it, i was doing so many things, being there for her and all, maybe it was just my words? But i thought we were trolling and we were on the same page..

I thought about that too, but i dont think i wanna do it yet, or ever, if we remain together.. I think it could raise a whole new wave of questions/doubts/insecurities? Idk..

But we did agree on that back at june 2025, we said that we will see how it goes on a serious manner.. in her mind though this convo on march left her “hanging”, for me it was just trolling around with each other, i thought my actions were proving enough that i am committed, didn’t know she needed words of reassurance. I asked her why she never mentioned anything and she said “well, arent u a princess? am i gonna be the one to ask u for a relationship?” I told her that i can’t read her mind and if something is bothering her she should say it.

The thing is now that we started talking again, my feelings are off. This is so annoying how can i change it?

Hey anita

Has Lu answered again on this thread? I dont remember, i only remember Roberta, Thomas and another guy that this happened to him recently.

I think i mean i literally don’t want to exist, the guilt, the sorrow, the loss, all of it..

She did have (as she has told me about one of her exes, her first bf actually, who was abusive and violent after they got together but before he was an angel, just to win her over, then did a 180..idk about others). No no her mother is fine with her father, they live together and they’re okay. I think it’s mostly her experiences and friends maybe. Damn when i think of her with someone else i boil inside!

I think too that she was always wary of so many things so she could latch onto one and put me in that place maybe.

I was feeling down, went to work, got notification that they didn’t find her at home (she was at work) so they kept the box at the office, so i texted her the info (with a tight stomach) and we started texting for now.. She said she’s not doing well at all, she’s struggling to get by, that i shouldn’t have done that and spend money again, go through all the trouble with the gift and such. I told her that it’s never a trouble for me and i love doing it, even tho i cried while making it.. She said that she was also writing letters about us and wanted to send them to me but thought “whats the point now?” I said i did the same all this time.. She will get the box tomorrow because the office is closed now, she said it’s very hard for her to open it and she’s hurting so so much but she will at least open it to get the roses and maybe salvage them if they havent withered yet (i put them in 3 days ago so they might have gone bad by now) and she said she’s curious to see what i made this time..

Hey anita

Today we visited another friend outside town but i still felt empty and alone… i was crying in my helmet again while driving home, idk if i can do this anymore, it hurts so much..

Yeah she had told me “now i have to tell my parents, let’s see what i am gonna tell them… and imagine i was convincing everyone that u are different than most men, how stupid i was”

It all feels hopeless and unbearable, i want to somehow escape 🙁

Hey anita

That had been my intentions actually, until i woke up in November feeling like i have no interest in pursuing romance, but still i pushed through and managed to start getting some of it back. I am all for 100% commitment, ride or die, living life together and stuff.

Well, i can’t say for certain when we havent lived with each other, i think neither could she, but my 100% commitment on this part was to willingfully commit to her and to this plan as a first step towards the next plans, in my head that’s commitment, not seeing someone and still choosing them for what u have and what u plan with them is one of the biggest commitments, at least in my head.

I think in my head this is the highest u can get before u experience the other person IRL, but i guess she couldn’t just do that since she was so in her head, looking for faults everywhere.. sometimes i feel like she was looking for reasons to leave, not to stay, but maybe it’s just me idk..

Hmm, my first reaction is to get defensive (in an argument for example), idk if that’s the inner child but i have managed to suppress it for a good amount.

Hey anita

How do i listen to the boy instead then?

I can’t say “hell yeah lets get married” with any person i haven’t lived with yet (neither could she), but i can say that i want to move towards this goal, take the next steps necessary for this to happen. I think that’s the equivalent of being all-in with someone before having lived with them.

But how do u differentiate? I love her character traits, the way she cares, how she speaks and moves, her eyes, her reactions in our convos while we were having fun, our communication and inside jokes/ways we had with each other, her morals, her consideration for me.. damn i fumbled hard anita, this was a woman worth being with and working things with, i wonder if she says the same for me 🙁

Well, considering i was never a marriage person, i would say this is a pretty bold statement for me.