Oh then yes, i was already scanning/being hyper-aware and very afraid of losing her before november.

Thats what i thought when u talked about middle grounds in buddhism.

But how can i kick this part out of me or silence it? I dont need it 🙁
Also how can i know if it’s this for sure? I think it all began since that future-convo 🙁

I used to believe in love fairytales, that love will save me and i will be complete

Hey anita

Hmm u mean even before November? could be yeah..

Haha that’s also what my therapist was saying yesterday. I was telling her about my somatic reactions (to the post, her superior hitting on her, etc) and she basically said that the feeling IS there, but i “choose” not to acknowledge it because it’s not the extreme infatuation or the other extreme, fear of loss/rejection, so it goes unnoticed by my mind and i should try to accept the middle grounds because even herself (she used herself as an example), said: Now i think about my boyfriend leaving me, which i love so much, and i can’t feel anything because the situation is not right/fitting, we can’t “order” feelings, they come when the time is right or if the situation demands it.

I feel good knowing that someone understands me because i definitely don’t haha.

Yesterday i was feeling much better, texting with her was so much fun and i even felt some warmth and loving feelings (i think?? what is love?)

What bothers me is this:
Almost a year ago when i would be falling for her i would see in her all i wanted in a girlfriend. She’s sweet, kind, loving, caring, smart, great sense of humour, communicates, shares deep feelings, she’s damn pretty, i love her eyes, her smile, her voice, her hair, her neck, damn even her hands/feet look great to me (things i would never pay attention to in previous girls). She was lighting candles and praying for me to be safe, even got me a guardian bell for the motorcycle. I would say to myself, “wow, how did i find this gem”, i wanna share my life with her, be there for her, hold her in my arms when she shares her deepest vulnerabilities and insecurities with me, have her in my arms until she falls asleep and then wake up kissing her warm lips, hugging her warm body, go on trips with her, surprise her at work, bring her coffee/food, pick her up and go on small trips without her knowing.
All the above were things i would think about constantly until November and i would feel so good, so hopeful and happy. But now nothing gets through to me, nothing “touches” me, none of the above. I can still see she’s pretty and a great person but nothing moves me, i am unfazed. It’s like this part of is gone.. and it’s not like i wanna experience it with another girl, no. It’s like my whole “romantic identity”, me being a “boyfriend” is vanished. And i can’t fathom because this is who i used to be my whole life, i was dreaming of finding a girl like her that likes so many things that i like and have all those qualities.. 🙁

Yes i’ve always been hypervigilant in almost every area of my life, even when driving i will think ahead that maybe an accident is gonna happen to me. I always thought it was low confidence or something..

I think that’s exactly what happened to me in November, waking up flat, panicking and then burnt-out by obsessing and also hiding stuff from her because how can u tell ur person that u can’t even type a whole sentence? that u forget words within seconds and u can’t give them yesterday’s energy? Especially in our case which was so delicate.. I will never disappear, even if we split i want to always be there for her because she’s a great person and she deserves it, she is always so loving and kind to me 🙂
Yes it surprised me too that i didn’t feel triggered to bolt, i guess it’s because i know what she’s going through and i am not the one to abandon.

Hmm how did u go through it anita? Did u feel things or felt differently?

I just want to feel like before with her, to enjoy our connection without all this numbness, anxiety, overthinking etc. 🙁
Also now i can’t feel sadness or cry with her gifts and her chocolates and that worries me.. Maybe it’s because we’re good and i dont “have to” ?

Something else that i might have told u again tho, i’ve never missed anyone in my life and sometimes i think that i am incapable of that, except if someone offers me something..

Hey anita

Yeah exactly, that’s how i feel.. 9/10 ppl/cases say what u and copilot shared but i still cant fathom it consciously so its very confusing!

I’ve always been alert waiting for the other shoe to drop and i realize it more now, no matter how good things going, i’m always hypervigillant that something will go wrong and things will get dumpstered or they will leave me. But i wasn’t like that 10 years ago, i used to not give a damn and i would enjoy everything..

I hope i’m not delusional and i can actually find out the pattern and change it..

Yesterday we had a long convo (sort of) and she basically told me that she feels exhausted to her core and that she can’t even form sentences/send me messages with emotion and she’s very scared.. She doesn’t know why she feels this way and says it’s not like herself at all. Rings a bell? I described her what i went through in November/December/January, all of it and she says it seems very familiar.. So i told her if it’s anything like my case, to take space and stop putting expectations on herself, stop trying to “give me feelings” and i’m here for her anytime and i’m not going anywhere (neither being interested in other girls)

It’s ironic how she got this issue too now, wow..

Maybe you are right anita, i have no idea how this works. One thing i do know for sure tho, is when i sense rejection i have an urge to back off.. Damn, such a beautiful connection we shared, i wouldn’t change it for a thing. I remember in december i would go back to our chat around august-september and i was reading our messages, i could remember it was me who sent those messages, i could remember that i was feeling amazing, but i couldn’t “feel” the feeling, like it was someone else.. I was like “damn, that was me..”

I wish i could go back in time 🙁

Hey anita

This poem brought tears to my eyes :’)

Many things that u said also did that in the past, i appreciate it 🙂

Today i had strong feelings/urges to leave, my mind villainizing her, telling me stories, all kinds of things. But at night (which is when i usually soften and get more emotional) i was imagining her, calling her “my sweet baby” in my mind and then i had a future scenario where she’s gone and i felt something inside of me, i cried and my head went “don’t leave me”.

I think i am so afraid that she’ll leave me that i go numb or flip to annoyed/aversion… It’s so confusing, all of it, the flip-flop, the feelings, the thoughts..

I am afraid that if i let it go, i will have to end things. It feels as if the rumination is the only thing that ties me to her now. And i don’t wanna end things, i want my happiness with her back, our special thing 🙁