Hey anita

Thank you for your support and everything 🙂

Yeah but i get it, she was hurt and angry, she was looking for a reason to blame me so she can make leaving easier..I know i didn’t deserve it but i still love her and want to talk to her, tell her how much i miss her.. Today i was with some friends and we were laughing and i was thinking “why couldn’t she be here, laughing with us?”, when my friends left my house i felt the void coming back and my defenses drop and i cried, i still am, it breaks me that i have to do things without her..why can’t she just text me and make up? Talk it out, set boundaries, try again, love each other right..
I printed some photos from yesterday’s meteor shower that i went out, we were supposed to watch them together..i will put them in the box and mail it to her tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes..

She had told me “im gonna hide u because i dont wanna remove u and regret it”, idk why she did that, maybe she wanted me to watch her story? Or see if i still watch her stories? Which i dont but ok..since she asked for my absence.

Sadly i can’t think of that because i feel like i was doing the “usual” stuff in a relationship, but only she managed to get those out of me, thank you though anita 🙂

Yeah, she had my back in many things and showed me great love..it felt content, like i finally found my destination, what i’ve been looking for ever since i was 18 y.o.. it felt like she was my person, my little girl, like no matter what i had her and she had me, we solved many things through communication and deep bonding/understanding..felt magical most of the times.

Ikr? I miss our silly talks, what we ate, me asking her for advice on decoration stuff/food/clothes, her doing the same..it was very nice.

I talked with another friend of mine today, told him the whole story from start to finish, he stood there and listened for 1 hour, then when he talked, he was furious and he was cursing her for behaving like that to me. He said that i don’t deserve this, i gave her 150%, all my efforts, my compassion, my support and care, my love and she gave me what? Doubts, insecurities, sabotaging behaviour, interrogation and lack of trust. He said how can she be so blind that she can’t see who she’s with in the past 1.5 years? If that’s her perception then she’s not worth it and i deserve better.. Idk anita, everyone is telling me the same thing pretty much but i still pine for her, maybe i want something that she used to be and not the now? How do people do that and reconnect and be better than ever? How do u let go of the resentment?

Hey anita

Yes, the void and emptiness is unreal… it feels like i can’t exist, idk how else i can describe it 🙁

Hmm, how can u temporarily lose feelings tho?

There was anxiety and awkwardness during the whole visit yes, given our fight and what happened to me on November it was normal, but still, i miss those times and i would go again in a heartbeat if she told me right now 🙁

No no i dont think i place her on a pedestal, i see her negatives and i call her out but still, i love “us”, what we had, our connection with our inside jokes, special language and communication, the reels, the caring part, the dreaming part.. I had told her that after her visit here, i would visit germany with her as soon as she returns from cyprus in november and then we could go to another country for X-mas and she liked it very much.. 🙁

Im not saying it was perfect love but it was so unique and deep, felt different on many levels, intimacy, romance, gestures, expressing our loving parts without the fear of being judged, i was feeling like we had each other’s backs.. I mean, i think i am the one to blame on a 70% part, since this all began with me and my dumb/innocent mind.

Thank you anita, for taking the time to reply and also search our topic way back.. I feel so hopeless, like literally i don’t even want to exist, i want her back, i want “us”.. How is she so cruel and distanced herself like that? 🙁

Yeah she did, i still remember how i would feel anytime i would say something impulsive in the thought of pushing her away, or when we kept silent for 2-3 days and she would text me, i’d get such a relief. I remember in september when the misunderstanding happened my stomach was almost out of my body, cramped by fear that i lost her. In november too.. the last thing i wanted was to lose her, for the first time in my life i felt like it was a matter of life & death… and look at me now, how well i did 🙂

Hey anita

Yeah, so was it kinda like depression/anhedonia? Because if it was related only to her, i would be fine with leaving her and finding another girl or doing my hobbies like before.

Yeah i noticed that, i even told her that it could be happening because she was nearing the trip and she started having panic attacks and stuff…. we are so similar

It’s ok i dont mind 🙂

Yeah, it’s heavy, i cry daily and i reminisce, but then sometimes the feelings just go away, when i think about her again and our moments, everything returns.. her absence is killing me, i wanna text her and ask her if she’s done for good so i can start accepting it and maybe move on, or if she feels the same and we reconnect maybe..

I mean, there were not many difficult parts, it was mostly my own things that made it difficult and triggered her insecurities a lot.
I lost the person i wanted to share my every day with, the most mundane and usual things, my news, beautiful photos, everything.. It wasn’t just hope.

Idk anita, i am 32, i don’t think i got many chances left to find someone else to connect so deeply with, to sit and learn someone new from scratch.. and i didn’t want that either, i just wanted her to be my last.

Ah, i am faking it anita, my mood is always depressed and hopeless now..i feel like im in the abyss.

It was 8-11 December.

I mean, idk how this works ive never experienced it before but i guess she was so stressed… she shouldn’t have made me feel like i am at gunpoint for something i did a year ago (which was to protect us), but i shouldn’t have lied.. At the moment my mind was going “no matter what i tell her, she will cancel the trip”

Yeah, a 40+ years old woman who’s experienced in life..she told me this girl is worth it and i should chase her.

Hmm, i would say it was very deep and intense, full of understanding (at least for the most part), with a lot of work from both of us to understand each other,it was magical, like i found what i was looking for. She was caring, intimate, gentle, considerate, supporting, both romantics, she would never do things to make me feel bad (for example clothes and dance school), there were the negatives too but nobody’s perfect… I’d say mostly i felt her like a house for me, i knew we would be there for each other in the end of the day.. I still can’t believe how easily she left and stopped communicating.. How did she throw all of this in the trash for a lie i said out of panic? All my friends say she’s crazy for leaving a guy like me but i don’t think she can see that and that’s what hurts too..

I feel like i will never find someone with so many qualities again, i would be with her in a heartbeat, with her ups and downs.. She was a gem, even with her flaws i wanted to support her and make her rise..

Hmm, i dont understand how i feel safer with friends. I still think about her all the time though..

I suspect it probably activated with her because of the deep bonding but why did i lose mood for everything? If that was the case then i should be alright with the rest of my life…doesnt make any sense to me.

Yeah even tho she told me in the first months she felt neglected but then i fixed it, slowly..i described my actions and asked her, is this neglect? (The 9 hours videocalls, the messages, the drawings in the mornings so she can wake up to something nice, the flowers, the care i gave her, the support, the attention, everything) She said well no, but idk..

But how do u do that? What does that even mean? I dont understand..Ive always been vulnerable with her since the beginning, why did it come up almost a year after? It doesnt make sense..maybe it’s just burnout?

Well, now i lost that someone for good, none of this matters anymore, i think i am just procrastinating my grief.. i just want to stop existing in the past few weeks, sometimes i wish i dont wake up, the weight and the guilt/remorse, the pain of loss, they’re all unreal when they hit. I lost her right when she would travel here, i would hug her, kiss her, admire her up close..I fucked up badly and lost a pure soul that loved me, she said i shattered every bit of good she had for me in her.. How could she just abandon us for one panic lie? I wonder, doesn’t she miss me? Doesn’t she miss our convos, my care, our inside jokes, our love? How can she be so cruel and walk away? 🙁