Also, how do i revert to the stage before? i dont want the obsessions of her to be the only thing that ties me to her, i want the connection back 🙁

I was the one who told u about it because u told me that whenever u would be involved with someone u would be jealous of his past and be bothered by it.

Yeah i guess it’s because of that but i can’t perfectly pinpoint it. Before november tho, i would be sure it’s because of that.

Alright, will read ur reply tomorrow 🙂

Haha i have so many emojis on my phone.

Yeah i think most of us have insecurities. Its hard to completely get rid of.

I knew this term because i’ve always been doing it and i searched for it once.

Yeah ask him. Also tell him about what happened now. I checked her profile and i saw that she had 6 new followers and my stomach immediately dropped, mouth went dry and i felt heat rising in my body, legs got a bit limp haha.

Hey anita

Emojis are nice and fun especially if u use them to give meanings in texts haha

Thank you anita, likewise 🙂

I would say it might be more numb? Haha i like this phrase, the bee’s knees!

Meh, i wouldn’t say i feel better. Yesterday i was out with friends and within an hour i wanted to go back to my house and stay there. I can’t connect with anyone, not even my friends. It’s like i watch them all laughing, having fun, conversating and i’m only able to nod or say a few words here and there. Ofc my mind is constantly fixed on her.

Yeah why aren’t the feelings here? I remember before this happened i would feel like a kid going home to play with his favorite toy when i was talking to her, i would shower and jump in bed to have endless convos with her, would laugh all night till morning in calls… I feel such void in my chest thinking of those times, so melancholic..

Today she posted a photo of herself on socials and when i saw it my stomach kinda dropped idk why, then i saw the first like was from her ex (they are still following each other on socials) and i got irritated. My mind instantly went “why is she posting this? does she want attention? Now her ex might reach out to her and tell her that he still likes her” and other similar things and i would get kinda angry/upset, like looking for a reason to leave.

Oh yeah i was a heavy pc gamer, still am but the passion is gone 🙂

It’s difficult because of my emotions being so dull, it’s hard to find pleasure and motivation..She said she’ll visit next month for 3-5 days (her work doesn’t allow her more days off) but i am so anxious that i won’t be able to feel how i’d normally feel that my mind already anticipates that 🙁

She’s supportive and wishes she could do something to help me and i appreciate her a lot but it’s a me thing..

Have u read about Wellbutrin, anita?

Hey anita

I think i was the same as u kinda, i was focused more on pc games and such.

Yeah it’s a term that i remembered today, read it months ago.

I know, sometimes it seems unusual to me too, but if u think u’ve found a special person for you, u make effort to get to know them (it’s fun experience too) and eventually u plan on getting together somewhere 🙂
It kinda “Scares” me but idk yet.

Well everything is again, confused in my head haha

Hey anita

Yeah, she told me that telling her all these things while being unfazed/calm must be something worrying/worth looking into. But i think i’ve made peace with all those things, what’s done is done, i can only move on. I dont know if im unaffected tbh, but i feel like i’ve moved on from my past. Not that i forget, it just doesn’t affect me. U think i could be suppressing unknowingly?

Emotional decay sounds about right for my case. Like with this girl when i met her and i couldn’t stop kissing/hugging her, i remember it was amazing and addictive, but i can’t feel it, hence i can’t crave it 🙁

Yes i do that with negative emotions only, until now that i do it with loving emotions too, i figure, wow. My mind is indeed looping constantly 24/7 because i feel that if i don’t do that, i will “forget” about her and move on, weird paradox huh?
But some days i feel like i question even that. So what emotion overwhelmed me and threw the anhedonia upon me?

I relate with fearful avoidant (disorganized attachment) in many videos and cases i’ve read but my mind doubts even that sometimes haha
But i dont know how i dont believe love is stable/safe, since i was living it for almost a year before this happened? (could the convo have triggered it?)

How do i feel the love only? haha.. I remember Paulien Timmer was saying in one of her videos that FAs shutdown one feeling but because u cant suppress only one, u shutdown everything, damn..

Today i was texting with her and in the beginning i was like “why am i even talking to her? i am forcing it” and after a while she asked me about something that i was searching for (she didnt know anything on this topic) and her question/interest seemed so “innocent” and adorable to me that i cried spontaneously and i said in my mind “my sweet baby”. Then gone haha, this is all so weird.. i was also telling the therapist that i was probably waiting for love/relationship to fill my void that pre-existed, so now that the dopamine wore off, it got exposed..I told her that i fear if i find meaning in my life, i don’t want her or anyone by my side then. Maybe it’s all in my mind, a theory though..

Yeah gemini also remembers, they are good AIs 🙂

Haha i dont know if u can do my own emotional work