Hey anita

I read both ur posts and i have to say i am in awe with what Copilot said about those few things i described,wow! I am also in tears again with all those, as well as with the girl. She said that her friends told her harsh things about us and created many insecurities in her head, now she’s sad and kinda pulls away but she said “im the only one knowing how i feel inside” and i cried a lot, i wanted to hold her in my arms and reassure her 🙁

About copilot’s messages, i dont think i can reply to each seperately but i will try my best to summarize.
It’s not that i only valued intensity, but i think if there was no “burning desire”, i can’t recognize it. (maybe that’s the same thing?)

I am really confused (as my name suggests) in regards to the feelings, what’s real and what’s not, what’s intensity/infatuation.. I dont remember being with any girl without infatuation.

Those intrusive thoughts were exactly what i had! All those sentences and more..and yes i couldn’t stop kissing her and i was hugging her so tightly, i couldnt get enough of her!

I remember in the beginning of what happened i couldn’t even form sentences properly with my friend, it was hard, i felt like my batteries were at 1%..

I could feel it physically, my feelings going away..whenever i would think/fantasize of something good with her, it would soon after vanish and i couldn’t access it again..

But it doesnt feel like a shift/change, it feels real, like my feelings of being in love are gone.

As for the final message, it could be true, the panic, the transition..its all so messy!

Yes i could feel like logically “i want her” but i couldn’t feel it/connect with it emotionally. Its not like that now though, it feels like it’s gone after those days.

I am very triggered now by her because she’s also triggered by her friends words about us and she feels like avoiding,so i feel it back, damn!

Btw now she told me that she’s gonna visit me soon and my mind instantly went: “We will be awkward, we will be bored, we will not have a nice time and we’ll be looking forward to seperate” and i felt really bad, like i don’t want her to come because my mind “predicts” all those things.. Damn it’s so hard!

Sometimes i think of her, of what we have, of me and i feel like it’s not “real”, idk how to describe it, it feels “imaginary/fake” or something.. Wtf is this?

But why did it end so violently and suddenly (november/repulsion & avoidance) 🙁

Also like i said, people usually miss others, maybe im not normal or i can’t “miss” her because she’s in my mind 24/7?

Another thing, shouldn’t i feel terrified in the thought of losing her?

Nothing comes out when i try that, it’s like there is nothing there. Even though i’ve heard people doing that.

Another paradox that bothers me is, i text her/call her, we have a lot of fun, playfulness, teasing each other, warm moments, but next day i wont have the “urge” to initiate contact again. I can’t understand me.. Even tho i have no urge for anything

I guess i got to sleep it off now..

The only times i would relax would be with a loved one, hugging and just being there. I remembered back in 2019 with an ex of mine, the hugs used to feel so strongly content and warm. I felt that with the current one but i was clouded by anxiety, but still, i can’t remember the feeling..

Yes idk why..I read her card again and cried a bit, then i was shopping online for a gift on her nameday which is a month from now and i was happy and excited thinking of her reaction. Then suddenly i felt dysphoria and anger lol. Could it be that im hangry?

Ok even tho i cant consciously connect them, why am i turning the volume down?

Hmm, how can i prevent that then?

But why would that affect my whole being and not just the relationship with her? It seems very strange to me.

Hmm, ever since the day this happened, i’ve been at war with myself, the feelings, the numbness, everything.