Hey anita

Yes, this is exactly what i mean. My brain portays her as the “cause” of my emptiness and all the thoughts lead to “u have to get away”.
But that doesnt seem to be the case, because even if she’s not in the picture, i will still be not able to feel joy and content in anything. It’s like im dead inside

She is the best ive ever had actually, kind, loving and understanding even when she has her own issues to deal with. We laugh a lot most of the times, i love it when she plays “jealous” and stuff, but still that’s not enough for me, i think i’m chasing the 200% feeling.
Then i think during the day: “why dont i miss her? why am i not motivated to message her and see how she’s doing? why do i not feel the pull towards her? Those must mean that i dont want her, but how can i miss her if she’s all i occupy my brain with?” then proceed to save reels and photos that remind me of her to send her later, lol. Another thought is: “why was i feeling ecstatic while kissing her/holding her and i can’t even feel it right now? Why am i not craving her? Then this must mean that i dont want her”. Those are the thoughts running through my mind all day, consuming me 🙁

I used to feel amazing (before november) when she was loving/kind towards me, idk what changed after that night. It was like complete void swallowed me..

Hmm, u think this is why it happens? But i can’t feel anything for anyone or any activity. Food has lost its taste, i no longer enjoy my days-off, i feel robotic, like a shell of my former self. I dont wanna do things i might regret later on and the urge to end things feels off to me.

Hey anita

Yes exactly like that. Today i went for a short trip with friends on our motorycles and i wasn’t feeling anything the whole day, just numb and complete void. And ofc my mind would blame the girl haha, seems like the scapegoat. But i would lie if id say its not affecting me 🙁

Hmm, so what is the distorted part in my case? It’s really a mess nowadays.|

Therapist also told me that we wont go much into my past, just a little bit to see patterns.

We are the same on this anita, i wonder why is that?

Hmm, its my black & white thinking that she says i have that makes things difficult..

Well, before i left our last session i asked her “do u think i was right to come to you for ocd symptoms? or should i seek another therapist? I told her to be honest, she said “yes, u were not wrong for suspecting OCD”. I also remembered in the beginning of our relationship when things were the best, i would still check the situation and our convos, seek reassurance on chatgpt and google for things she would say to me.
I also read that CBT is the best for OCD themes.

It’s not weird that u too have OCD, i read on a post on reddit from a guy named antheri0n that healed his FA/rocd by himself that almost all disorganized attached individuals have OCD/ROCD because it’s a deactivation strategy. He says that when the FA deactivates, if they decide to stay in the relationship, they develop ROCD instantly most of the times. Which makes sense i think..

Its so annoying/confusing/scary at the same time, because it’s like i have two selves inside of me.

Haha u don’t like gifts either? I feel obliged or something like that, idk. I like giving but not receiving

I want to believe that but my lack of feelings is annoying 🙁

Did u manage things with CBT?

Good evening anita

I really want to connect them and try to realize how it works but i cant like comprehend it logically when i think back to it.

Yes there was a gap/disconnect during my teens and i think it followed me until today, i think i can’t its not that i dont want to.

Also yesterday i was thinking and i realized, i could never show/feel excitement when receiving gifts and stuff from previous girlfriends either, i would always pretend to make them feel better and not seem awkward, but inside i wouldn’t be touched by the gifts, just a bit by the gesture and that’s all. Idk why i pressured myself so much this time with this girl, but her gifts touched me so much i cried a lot 🙂

Haha emojis giving u a hard time every time.

Hey anita

I mean the fragile and innocence things, i dont feel them for myself at all.

I was referring to the sleeping part 🙂

I dont know if i perceive her as a little girl but i do see her as a bit fragile and innocent..

Btw i didnt know u felt like that 🙂