Im glad u like it, i wish u could see the rest of it too 🙂 I bought stickers with bubu and dudu (the bear couple we were relating us to) and stuck some stickers on the letter folders with an accurate description of us in each situation, moments i would like to take care of her (just like how dudu does to bubu), carrying her to bed, tucking her in, told her i hope we can write the rest together one day..

She can become really cold and distant when she wants to detach/defend her feelings tho, but i am worrying she will just let it get returned, not even open it.. let’s hope she does open it, but my friend asked me “what do u expect with that?” Tbh i dont know, i think ultimately to get back together, be better, try again with a different approach maybe? But sometimes i think even if we get back together then what? How do u rebuild through distance? Even tho i was thinking of catching a flight and going there.

Yes, she told me that this is how she is, if she said “its over” or if there are lies/cheating involved, she’s out. She even said “i can’t recognize who u are right now after lying so easily to my face, whatever comes out ur mouth feels like a lie”. Its hard to believe how bad she took it.. 🙁

Hey anita

Thank you anita 🙂 I didn’t know it either, but with her, since the beginning, every letter, every word, every gift they all came naturally, i wrote her 3 letters, glued stickers from that cute bear couple and wrote a description of us for each one, printed the photos i took 2 days ago from the stars and the sky we would see together, wrote things behind each photo, went to the beach and gathered some sea shells, two of them i pierced and made them into two necklaces with words inside them. All those gestures are just flowing with her, idk why and how, never had it with anyone else before, nobody knows this side of me in my life, just u and her haha. The thing is, i still experience this ambivalence, while i am grieving and crying, feeling the complete void inside me when i imagine the future without her, all of a sudden everything vanishes and i feel indifferent and distant, my eyes turn cold and my gaze cruel (ive seen it in the mirror and some friends of mine also noticed), idk what’s this but i would really like to find out, idk to what kind of therapist i should go to. I left the box to the post office today, it will probably be at her door around wednesday, i hope she’s there to receive it and im so scared she’s gonna just send it back 🙁

As of the message, idk where i’ll send it, i am dreading her reply, her saying “im over us” or something like that but like i said, this will kill my hopes and give me easier closure i suppose 🙁

Here is a photo of the box before i closed it 🙂

Hey anita

Hmm i see what copilot is saying.. maybe he is right or maybe she just doesn’t care anymore? But why bother unhiding me on a random wednesday at 12 at night..? I wanna solve this ambivalence by communicating with her but im afraid of her reactions and responses, it will break my heart more if she’s cold and final 🙁
I prepared the gift and i will mail it tomorrow, let’s hope she won’t reject it.

I know but i screwed up so bad, i want her so much and i lied to her like a moron and broke her trust..i can’t forgive myself for that, ruined her heart that loved me so much..I dont want this to be final, i dont want us to part forever 🙁

Hmm i think they were saying she’s difficult in general, as in closed off, distant, etc..

I miss my baby girl anita, i dont wanna lose her forever 🙁

Hey anita

I do smile but i feel empty mostly, it’s not that i completely feel it..

I think this is right yeah, what we could have been or what we were before all this, and now the present which is not good.

But i couldn’t have known she had such deep insecurities inside of her still, it all came out as the trip was nearing, amazing..

Hmm, so u mean if we ever talk again, she should recognize her own shortcomings, insecurities, sabotaging behaviour, then fix it or work through it and maybe we can try again? Idk how i can work with my feelings, right now i feel disappointed and indifferent towards her. She unhid me from her stories tonight, idk why, maybe she’s over us.

I am grieving the dreams, the possibilities, the connection, everything.. even if i can’t feel the connection right now and the memories are devoid of feelings (probably my defenses are up)

Hmm this article resonates because i do all the latter (the havent found closure yet), even tho today feels different, after talking with this friend of mine, i think something shifted and i might be over her? I am not sure, we’ll see.

Thank you for everything anita 🙂

Hey anita

Yes, she was unique, even with all the ups and downs i felt amazing and strong feelings with her, felt loved and cared for, a deep connection..

We had to take it step by step but i believe we would have a great time living together, sadly i didn’t get to experience that 🙁

I don’t think distance had anything to do with how i felt, it was negative not positive for me.

Again, empty and hollow, opening my eyes and waiting on a message that will never come, reality hits me that she’s gone, we messed up and ruined something beautiful.. i miss my time there with her, i would go in a heartbeat.

Hey anita

I see what u are trying to say, that i lost feelings for her and because our relationship was my life’s greatest joy it all crumbled. But that still doesn’t make sense because when u lose feelings for someone u are relieved to break up. And it felt so amazing when i was holding her/kissing her in december, if i had lost feelings i wouldn’t feel anything or repulsed by that. Also i wouldnt be crying my guts out for months on end, not feeling happy with her happiness when i would buy her flowers,etc.

Idk anita, is it 50% ? This girl truly loved me and i lied straight to her face while i knew she knew, she was telling me the whole time and i just chose to keep on lying because i was scared.. Its so hard everyday without her, i wake up hoping i’ll get a message or something. She’s always in my mind no matter what im doing and i still feel like sharing my every day with her..It hurts so much when u push a good person away.. I doubt life will get any better for me anytime soon 🙁

Hmm, where are u going with this?

Hey anita

Oh another saying haha, u got plenty! Idk if i am young tho, i feel too tired for this.

Yeah but i wanted to experience that, it wasn’t that i was only interested in the LDR, its just since november all my motivation was gone for everything..

Or maybe i was until i wasnt..