Hey 💃 Confused:

Why a dancing woman emoji? I will explain in a minute.

“As if I have a judge in my head”- telling you that you didn’t laugh enough.

Two evenings ago (still daylight, as it does’nt get dark here before 10 pm), I was at a public park, a huge park, where a band was playing danceable 🎶🎵🎶.

There were maybe 1500 people, adults and children, sitting on lawn chairs in front of and around the stage, and maybe a hundred (all adults) sitting in the limited area, far above the stage where alcohol was sold (toooo expensive, which made me mad), and people were allowed to sit an drink beer or wine.

Of the 1500 people of so, how many people had that judge in their heads that told them it’d be too embarrassing to dance in front of 1500 people in broad daylight?

As many as 1497. 3 people eventually danced.

I wanted to dance but my internal judge told me I ‘ll look ridiculous and people will make fun of me.

Two expensive plastic cups of red wine, I walked down to the area in front of the band, took my sandals off, and my jeans jacket, and I danced 💃 (no red dress though).

One woman joined the dancing after that ( total of 5 adults dancing out of 1500, while 1495 people were watching). The girl approached me, looking up to me. For daring to dance so joyfully.

My point, that internal judge is a party pooper.

Isn’t he/ she?

👵💃🐔 Anita

Hey anita

Its funny u posted that emoji because thats her emoji that she uses when she expresses happiness haha

I was like that too, but alcohol helped me as well. Now i can dance easier and i rarely care about what anyone says or how i look but still it feels weird.

So, yesterday night we argued and she felt like she doesn’t want to come now, so idk if we will meet at 9th of august. She texted me to tell me she booked hotel, then we chatted and i saw she was a bit distant/cold/short replies. So before we say good night i couldn’t hold it and i asked her what’s wrong, told her no need to force things. She said that what i did hurt her a lot, because i didn’t consider her feelings, and i was shocked because in my head i did nothing wrong, BUT, look at the case.. My ex (which has become a huge insecurity for her since the september incident, that i thought we had put behind us, apparently not) is my best friend’s girlfriend’s sister. So her sister told me that her aunt owns some Airbnbs in case my girl needs a place to stay and can drop the price a bit. I immediately told my gf that there is this option available in case she can’t find a place to stay. She said “it’s alright honey i will book a hotel anyway and thanks for the offer”, told her “yeah since the money isnt much different, but i just dropped on the table as an option, u can do ur thing”. 3 days pass, she says nothing, until i asked her yesterday. She said “how could u not think that i would feel hurt with u suggesting me to stay in ur ex’s aunt airbnb?!” I told her that my mind doesn’t work like that and i see it as a practical way to also save some money and that i haven’t even thought about my ex in this whole predicament, i basically have erased her existence from my mind. Also told her that from what i remember she and her aunt have no relationship, they barely talk. She insisted that this hurt her so then i opened up too, told her that things hurt me too, like in June when she said “i know i would be better off without u but i cant leave u”, then arguing about something else, then suddenly booking tickets one morning, telling me she loves me while crying and suddenly this. I asked her how would she feel and react if she was in my spot within all this push-pull. I also told her that sometimes i feel like my ex still haunts us and she said that this is my fault from september and i asked her when or how could this go away for good? She then said that “now i don’t feel like i want to come, i feel off/awkward”, i told her i still love her and want her to come and have some good times together, do the things we planned but i would understand if she wants to get away from me. She said she still loves me and that doesnt change within a day but she will think about it and thanked me for the space.

Now, i know she feels hurt but how could i know this would bother her? We had discussed it again back in october (the airbnb option) and she thanked me, said we’ll keep it in mind and never mentioned anything. I asked her “how can i know if things bother u after they havent bothered u the first time? am i a mind reader?” she said “well, u should be more considerate of my feelings and what could hurt me”.. I honestly don’t know, it feels like i have to walk on eggshells and be aware of every word i say. I explained to her how i think on those matters (because she asked me “would u be alright with me booking u a room on my EX’s father hotel?” i told her yes ofc, if it would mean i save money and find a good room, why not? i dont care about ur ex) and she said that we have a different thinking on some things. I told her that this is why she feels hurt, because she expects me to think like she does or read her mind on some matters.

Today as soon as i opened my eyes i had the “she’s not coming, maybe i screwed up” thought in my head, a heavy sinking feeling in my chest like melancholy and i cried. I went to the super market, saw a Winnie teddy bear and bought it with the hopes that she will come and i’ll give it to her (she calls me her teddy bear). It feels weird, empty and sad now 🙁

Yeah when she’s happy about something she uses this emoji, the dancing woman.

Well i think it’s this and the fact that some weeks ago in a videocall i described a situation to her (because it was funny and we were discussing something similar) which involved another ex of mine (which was 7 years ago) and now she said that she gets “shutdown”/losing feelings (this is how we say it in greek) when i talk about my exes and i told her that it was just a funny story, what should i do? Change the characters? She still laughed with this but idk, it bothered her so i told her that it’s fine, i’ll never mention anything that involves an ex of mine. She asked me how would i feel if she would bring up stories with her ex and i told her, as long as u dont ruminate on your ex and u are just sharing a funny/weird story then i’m good, then she said “well, maybe then i’m the problem”, which she said like 3-4 times in our convo, including in the end, “maybe i’m just the paranoid one then, i am the problem”, i told her that the problem is her overthinking which makes her be alert and anxious all the time searching for threats and taking shit personally. To be fair i did mention my most recent ex when i visited her because i was describing a situation with her sister and my friend, so i had to mention her, but she is so insecure/upset with her.
Yeah she tries to hide negative feelings but they show, she gets distant, short-messages and a bit colder so i either have to accept it and wait for her to tell me or tell her. She also told me “u are not the center of the world, ive been dealing with very serious matters in my life in the past 3 days and i wasnt planning on having this convo today, arguing about ur ex and an airbnb”, to which i replied that it’s ironic how she thinks IM the center of the world, considering its us discussing her problems mostly.

I was working, driving the scooter and i was crying when i would think of her and our time, everything. There are moments when something inside of me opens up and i cry a lot, i feel things, i want to tell her how much i love her and that she’s precious, but after a minute it all disappears again and im left feeling indifferent. What is this anita? I think we’ve talked about it again in the past. I remember how deeply i was feeling last year and how im struggling now.

I told her if she doesn’t come i will send her the money for the tickets she paid and she said hell no, it was my choice. But i am thinking of visiting her myself instead of sending her the money back if she doesn’t come. Damn, i want her to come, i wanted us to do so many things.. 🙁

Hey anita

Haha, excuse my poor memory, it’s a mess!

Yeah pretty much this. So this is a disorganized attachment thing? Gemini says could be burnout and my system can’t handle intense emotions for too long. I am watching a video of some people in an island and i am thinking of me & her there, enjoying the sunset, walking around the island, damn.. Also i was reminscing of my time @ germany with her and i am thinking maybe i should have appreciated it more.. I dont want this to be “a thing u appreciate after u lose it” case 🙁

Hey anita

Sadly we broke up an hour ago.. I fucked up big time. I lied to her about something stupid i did to protect her back in september (i removed my likes from most of the females i had on instagram so she wouldn’t feel weird) and today our convo somehow went there, she asked me why i did it but i had forgotten about it, i refused and then she asked me again, she said tell me the truth because i know, i saw it all in september. I froze, i panicked, i kept going on with my lie (because i wasnt expecting her to believe me if i told her the truth anyway) and she said she’s done and her trust is gone. Then i told her the truth because she deserves to know and not think i had anything going on with any other girl.
She said “why did u lie? was it so difficult? why?!” I told her i was scared of how she would react and at first i didn’t even remember that, but anyway i didn’t want us to end badly and her thinking i was pretending she’s crazy.

I begged her to reconsider, i cried and cried, i felt my insides getting ripped out, now i feel empty, i cry in short bursts.. The future seems hollow without her, empty.. I told her how i felt that i was burdening her and now she can find peace and heal at least, without me in her life. I told her i love her 100 times and i will wait for her in case she changes her mind, showed her the gifts i was preparing for her, one Winnie teddy and 2 small teddy-candles that my mother used to own that i wrote our names on and on the back i wrote “Light me on fire” (the yellow one which is me) “so i can keep u company” (the green one, her) because it rhymes in greek. I also pierced a sea-shell and made it into a necklace for her, i was planning on giving them all to her when she would arrive but now that this is not happening, i told her i will send them to her, she said no but i said i will do it anyway, u can just throw it in the trash afterwards.

Idk anita… Ive been a person that never lies my whole life but i lied to my precious girl.. and i broke her heart and trust. For that i will be paying with my sanity 🙁

Maybe i never wrote about this so i will tell u now. Back in september, my ex’s sister (which is my friends girlfriend), asked me for a favor, to “Like” some instagram reels that her sister (my ex) participated in so she could gather likes and get the job. I didn’t think twice, handed her the phone and told her to do her thing. She liked i think 3 reels,i never thought anything, kept going on with my day. The next day, my gf (well, now ex :() saw said reels and we almost broke up because she felt a breach in her trust. She knew who my ex was and because of some stories that i shared with her in the beginning of our meet back in january, she felt very insecure and believed i wanted something with my ex, which was normal since it’s a LDR-nevermet situation, trust is very fragile. I told her what happened and after 10 days she decided that she wanted to try and trust me again. Now, after that time i went on a fit of rage and i would remove all the likes from my ex’s posts and from other girls that were showing up on my feed because i didn’t want her to feel like this with such situation ever again (female friends, nothing more), but she had already checked who i was following and saw some female profiles that had my likes on them. After some days she wanted to show them to her sister and she saw that i removed my likes and this raised her suspicions. Now normally i dont care about likes but since the september incident i was more cautious.

Today, she told me something along the lines “then why did u remove the likes from ur ex?” and i explained to her why. She then asked me if i had done it with other girls, i had forgotten for real and she said “well i checked this and that girl that u removed ur likes after september”. I remembered and i felt cornered and panicked that i would lose her. I told her no and that i dont remember doing that, she kept going on and asked me again “just tell me the truth, i am not crazy, i know what i saw”, i typed it and then erased it. I kept lying to her so she said “u know what? fine, i think i am so hurt that i dont even want to know u anymore”, so then i said “ok let’s tell her the truth, she deserves that at least” and i did tell her, not to try and save the relationship, i just didnt want her to feel like she’s crazy or i was cheating or smth. I told her why i did what i did and it was to protect her, she laughed and said “well, that’s one way to love someone i guess, but i don’t think i want this kind of love in my life”
I told her it’s alright, to take care and now that i’m out of the picture, all her friends will be happy she left the “asshole boyfriend that tortures her” and she will finally heal.. I cried a lot, she did too. I told her that no matter what, she’s the best thing ever happened to me and i will be waiting for her if she changes her mind, a man can only hope.. I sent her some final paragraphs pouring my heart out, some bear reels that we used to share and she said “stop, u are shattering my heart, making it so much harder”, removed my nickname and told me to respect her wish that she doesn’t wanna talk to me. I again told her i love her deeply and i hurt just as deeply and that i’ll be by her side in case she needs anything and that i miss her already and i wanna hug her tight. She sent me some sad emojis and hearts.. I told her she will forever be my precious little girl and i will be here for her if she changes her mind and wants to visit.. She said “please stop, it hurts.. goodnight”

So, that was all… I acted dumb and i lied and ruined everything.. I know she is exhausted and i sensed that maybe she wanted a way out but idk… not like this 🙁

She was already fragile and burnt out, i know that yeah. It was tough with all the stress and the problems she was facing in her life.
I dont think she was “looking for a way out”, more like she was already fed up and this was the cherry on top. This was another situation on top of another situation (me suggesting her the airbnb that my ex’s aunt owns) and then me treating her discomfort and feelings like they didn’t matter. It wasnt like that, it was because i am used to giving solutions and trying to “fix” when all i have to do is listen to others.
Exactly like copilot said in the last line.

I feel like i’ve lost someone who was worth it and loved me, just because of my own issues and fears. I hurt the only woman that loved me.. She asked in the end “why do i always believe that others want what’s best for me and i always get hurt?” and it felt like a knife stabbing me when i read that.. My sweet girl, i wish i could hold her tight and kiss her forehead, be with her every day and make her feel better. I wish this was all a nightmare and i would wake up with one more chance, i wish i could turn back time to 2025, before all these mistakes i made, damn my impulsivity and recklesness.. She said she loves me and she will miss me too but i have crossed the line.
I can’t imagine my life without her, anita.. Who am i gonna share the cute bear reels with? Who is gonna laugh with me while we make our stupid jokes? Who am i gonna tease? Who am i gonna call “my sweet bubu bear”? I feel shattered, i don’t wanna sleep but i don’t wanna breathe either.. 🙁 🙁

I already wrote her the letter im gonna send her along with the teddy bear i bought and the rest. I wish she would reconsider and take the trip here, or at least give me another chance. I felt like i found my person and pushed her away 🙁