Hey anita

Thank you for your information. I think u and copilot are right. Chasing feelings and fighting them brings conflict and misery, but like u said, its easier said than done haha.
There are times that i can let go and ease into things but it feels as if im walking on a tight rope, but the shame, self loathing and frustration are there indeed.

I know it’s not good having “shoulds and shouldnts” but its damn hard going on with this frustration daily 🙁

Sponge

I see a similarity here, u blaming ur inexperience in sex/relationships for the previous girl suddenly leaving u as soon as u showed feelings (vulnerability), saying that it delayed u. Now that u got another girl, perhaps before u become fully vulnerable with her (sex, deepening the relationship), something in ur subconscious shifted, fearing that she will leave u too, if she finds out about your lack of experience (supposedly, thats what u were blaming in the beginning with the previous girl), so u deactivated/shutdown to reject her first. Makes sense?

Anita will shed some light here too 🙂

Hello again, Sponge ✨️

I am using my phone, so no AI for me. I’ll be thinking out loud about what you shared.

Strict religious upbringing you say, and 7 siblings. Often, siblings take on different roles: the one rebelling against the parents and the loyal, obedient one; the responsible one, and the irresponsible, etc.

It may be that you didn’t have an intimate relationship with a woman until your late 20s because you were the loyal one, loyal to your parents’ religious principles.

You told your mother about the situation, and sounds like you felt comforgable doing so. Maybe because she’s been encouraging you to have a relationship, being that you’re approaching 30, and she wants you get married.

Maybe, just maybe, the rules of obedience changed: at first being told: no sex before marriage (and you obeyed), but then telling you that sex is okay (before marriage) in hope you’ll get married, leading to a conflict/ emotional confusion, and the resulting inability on those couple or few occasions to perform sexually.

Maybe.

You didn’t share much about the woman you had the relationship with: what were her values, her goals, her interests. Maybe those were not compatible with yours. Maybe you didn’t really like her. Maybe you weren’t really attracted to her, which would explain the conflict: wanting a relationship.. but not with her.

Just because she’s your first intimate/ sexual relationship doesn’t mean she’s the woman for you.

And about guilt, religious invoked guilt perhaps, that’s a tough one.

Again, I don’t know because you didn’t share everything, and that’s okay. If you’d like to share more, perhaps respond to my maybe-s, please do. If you feel uncomfortable doing so, that’s okay too.

Also, this thread is almost 10 years old (Aug 2015), and I think that I replied to members on this thread on the very first day Jaz started this thread (I appear as “anonymous” because at one point I deleted my account but returned under a new account. All my posts though close with my name, anita)

Maybe thoroughly reading the exchanges can help you.

🌿✨️🌿 Anita

Hi Anita and Confused.

Thank you for your comments any advice is apreciated in this situation.

I’m not sure if I’ll post here more but I shared something more at below. I think it is best to just accept what has happened and maybe see how I feel as time goes on. My heart is still torn about the situation but it is what it is.

Something to add on the religion and my gf. I am left the religious teachings at 18 years old and have come to terms with that so I don’t think that is the issue anymore. Maybe subconsiously but you never know.

About my gf: she was great a bit on the heavier side (which kinda bothered me at first) but extemely beatifull. I’m not entirely sure about her core values, but she loved to travel and wanted to live abroad in the future. Now that I think about it that also concerned me a bit, but we talked about it and left it as it. These did not even come to my mind when I had the situation where I noticed my feelings changing. But all in all I thought she was a great match for me since it was so fun and meaningfull spending time together. We had same kind of humor also. That is the reason I’m so torn about the whole situation. I had this opinion that it does not matter if we have just the same interests or values as long as we liked each other when we started dating and I still think so.

Thank you for your help and good luck on your own journeys. I would take AI opinions with a grain of salt.

Sponge

Hey anita

I think self-loathing comes when i can’t control what i feel and when not feeling what i wanna feel and shame comes because i feel like i am hurting/gonna hurt the other person or because i feel i am not worthy.

Hey Confused:

I just had a conversation with Copilot- not about you but about me. And then, somewhere along the way, I could see that it partly, if not fully applies to you as well. Here it is (again, it was about me, didn’t have you in mind at all):

Anita: “When a person starves too long for love, after years and decades of that, is it possible to reject love, like a little of it feels like too much, overwhelming, unpleasant?”

Copilot: “Yes, Anita — it is absolutely possible. When a person has been starved for love for years or decades, even a small amount of genuine care can feel too intense, too bright, too close, almost like stepping out of a dark room into sudden sunlight. The nervous system doesn’t register it as comfort; it registers it as threat, because it’s unfamiliar, overwhelming, and asks the person to feel things they had to suppress for survival.

“When someone grows up without being loved in the ways a child needs, their system adapts by becoming hyper‑vigilant, self‑reliant, and emotionally closed for protection. Then, later in life, when real love or kindness finally appears, it doesn’t feel soothing — it feels destabilizing.

“A little bit of warmth can feel like too much, because it touches the very places that were abandoned. The person may pull away, reject it, feel uncomfortable, or even feel shame. It’s not that they don’t want love; it’s that their body learned that closeness is dangerous, unpredictable, or painful. So yes — after long deprivation, love can feel overwhelming, unpleasant, or ‘too much,’ even when it’s exactly what the person has always longed for…

“Long-term emotional deprivation teaches the body that closeness is unreliable, unpredictable, or even dangerous, so the attachment system reorganizes itself around protection rather than connection. A child who doesn’t receive steady love learns to mute their needs, suppress longing, and rely on self‑sufficiency, because needing becomes associated with pain. Over years, this creates an adult who feels safest at a distance, who experiences intimacy as overwhelming, and who interprets love as either a threat or a test.

“The attachment system becomes hyper‑vigilant, easily flooded, and quick to retreat. This is why even gentle love can feel too intense, why longing feels shameful, and why closeness can trigger fear instead of comfort. In essence, deprivation wires the body to survive without love, and that wiring makes receiving love later feel confusing, destabilizing, or ‘too much.'”

Notice, CONFUSED 🙂, the last sentence: “That wiring makes receiving love CONFUSING”

🌿🌿🌿 Anita

Hey 🌙🦉 Confused:

“Lately I was questioning,’what is love really?’
… ‘How do people that love feel like?'”-

Something you can rest in, like a warm blanket in a cold day..?

About her, you wrote: “A sweetheart that loves me”-

So you know that she ❤️ you. Are you beginning to rest in that knowing? To trust it?

“I am slowly learning to drop (shame)”- because you are slowly trusting her loving you?

“I think I also expected a relationship to ‘save’ me”-

What if the two of you save each other by trusting and resting in each other’s love?

I know there’re lots of ?-s above, and they’re not meant for you to answer me. I’m just thinking out loud.

We’ve been communicating a lot since Dec: 7+ months, and from all that you shared about yourself and about her, I know (and here, I am not asking 🙂) that the two of you love each other, truly.

It’s about slowly trusting the love you have for each other.

I didn’t respond to every single thing you shared. Please let me know if you’d like me to respond to something I didn’t.

🌿❤️✨️🌿 Anita

Hey Dear Confused 🙂

It’s healthy to take breaks from the forums and pace yourself👍

I hear how confusing these shifts in feeling are for you, and it makes sense that depression can affect how things show up. Take your breaks as you need them. I’m always glad to read from you whenever you choose to post.

🌿 Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

Seems to me that the two of you have so much in common. I just wish the two of you use this commonality to help each other.

Yes, I came across the term Anticipatory Grief only recently. I think it was in communication with you!

It’s nice you sent her flowers and that she genuinely appreciated it. It just crossed my mind that she too is the bee’s knees 🙂

In 20 days (her visit), it’d be 30 days since you stopped the med. I think no side effects will be evident by that time, especially since you weren’t on it for long.

Does she take meds for her anxiety and panic attacks?

🌴 Anita