Well, Confused- she told you something that isn’t true, knowing it wasn’t true.

She’s not a bad person for that, she did it out of hurt and maybe anger, but she too says untruthful knowingly, aka lying..?

But you don’t hold it against her because you understand where she’s coming from?

Dear Confused:

You may be answering my last post as I am typing this one, but I figure I’ll honestly tell you what I think is happening. (I may ask Copilot for his opinion later, when I have the use of the computer).

I think that she had been a victim of some serious emotional trauma before she met you, as a child perhaps ( feeling betrayed, feeling like the unchosen one), and that trauma is currently activated.

That’s why she’s experiencing “derealization” (your word).

* Maybe her earlier life trauma led to her autoimmune disorder that has gotten worse recently, since her trauma is now activated.

You wrote a little while ago, that after you expressed love for her, “Now, Anita, I am questioning myself.. is it love, or is it an attempt to win her over and then I will shut down/ lose interest again”-

Now, here’s the thing, Confused: a traumatized woman (trauma caused before she even knew you existed, none of your doing) needs a stable, reliable love.

Your ongoing doubting that you love her and shutting down- has to be unhealthy for her. I don’t think she can handle a ‘maybe I love you, maybe I don’t’

Traumatized or not, it’s not easy for any woman to be okay with.

Your doubting your love for her, your shutdowns and reoccurring times of indifference to her are not your choosing, not your fault, but I think it cannot NOT hurt her.

Maybe the two of you can heal separately (professional therapy), and maybe, someday the two of you will get back together as stronger, confident individuals.

But now.. as difficult as it feels, think of leaving her alone. Maybe she’ll take the steps she needs to take so to heal. I hope.

What do you think, Confused?

Anita

I’ll be answering you shortly, Confused. Talking to Copilot

Hey anita

I know that right now we are not a good match with what’s going on.. but i can’t let her go like that, i just cant 🙁

I will try to be calm from now-on and i will stop the emotional messages. Today i want to ask her if she went to the hospital for her autoimmune and tomorrow i want to wish her for her grandma’s 1 year memorial, that’s all, then ill leave her alone.. Maybe check in on her a couple more times.

I saw a dream today, we were at a foreign country, woke up in a hotel, took the bus and went to a festival with grass to listen to some band.. we were hugging and kissing, then i woke up to the slap of reality.. I miss my girl 🙁

She just texted me that she wants me to keep my distance and respect that. She said she has a wonderful group of people around her to support her heal and she doesnt wanna discuss any further..
She’s gone i guess anita.. my baby girl is gone 🙁 🙁

I feel shattered again, told her that i will always be there for her and i will miss her terribly every day and i love her and I hope someday we will be in each others life again.

Everything is pointless.. my rocd and insecurities won, i lost my great girl, i just want to not exist at this point.. 🙁

Hey anita

I didnt know i could love someone so deeply, i will never do it for another human being ever again.. I am giving her the space, i will just message her on August 15th because on 14th she will have a job interview and i wanna tell her i hope she got the job! And my package will be arriving around those days (the one i made days ago..)

I cant stop caring for her, i want to do life with her, i never wanted to lose her… it cuts so deep, i am working and crying on the scooter all the time thinking of how i broke her trust with a stupid lie out of fear! I cant comprehend it..

Honestly? the only reason i want to breathe right now is because of the hope i have of her coming back. I know it sounds dumb but my life feels empty and pointless. She has such a special place in my heart, i dont wanna do it without her 🙁

Hey anita

All the time i hope its a nightmare that i am gonna wake up from. Didnt know i could love and hurt this much 🙁

It was her insecurities piling up since september and me trying to gaslight her now, i think.

Oh yeah, she marked my soul deeply, my sweet loving girl… how i wish this was not true, i can’t bear this pain, feelings turn off and on sometimes, like waves 🙁

Why can’t she see how much i love her? why? why can’t she realize this was a mistake out of fear and not a lie to cover things. How could she discard me so easily? 🙁

Confused, I hear you. You’ve been intensely attached to her for a long time, but going between feeling close and feeling very distant ( indifferent, numb), back and forth.

Now that she’s distancing, all you feel is closeness..? No more indifference to her?