It’s ok i dont mind 🙂

Yeah, it’s heavy, i cry daily and i reminisce, but then sometimes the feelings just go away, when i think about her again and our moments, everything returns.. her absence is killing me, i wanna text her and ask her if she’s done for good so i can start accepting it and maybe move on, or if she feels the same and we reconnect maybe..

I mean, there were not many difficult parts, it was mostly my own things that made it difficult and triggered her insecurities a lot.
I lost the person i wanted to share my every day with, the most mundane and usual things, my news, beautiful photos, everything.. It wasn’t just hope.

Idk anita, i am 32, i don’t think i got many chances left to find someone else to connect so deeply with, to sit and learn someone new from scratch.. and i didn’t want that either, i just wanted her to be my last.

Ah, i am faking it anita, my mood is always depressed and hopeless now..i feel like im in the abyss.

It was 8-11 December.

I mean, idk how this works ive never experienced it before but i guess she was so stressed… she shouldn’t have made me feel like i am at gunpoint for something i did a year ago (which was to protect us), but i shouldn’t have lied.. At the moment my mind was going “no matter what i tell her, she will cancel the trip”

Yeah, a 40+ years old woman who’s experienced in life..she told me this girl is worth it and i should chase her.

Hmm, i would say it was very deep and intense, full of understanding (at least for the most part), with a lot of work from both of us to understand each other,it was magical, like i found what i was looking for. She was caring, intimate, gentle, considerate, supporting, both romantics, she would never do things to make me feel bad (for example clothes and dance school), there were the negatives too but nobody’s perfect… I’d say mostly i felt her like a house for me, i knew we would be there for each other in the end of the day.. I still can’t believe how easily she left and stopped communicating.. How did she throw all of this in the trash for a lie i said out of panic? All my friends say she’s crazy for leaving a guy like me but i don’t think she can see that and that’s what hurts too..

I feel like i will never find someone with so many qualities again, i would be with her in a heartbeat, with her ups and downs.. She was a gem, even with her flaws i wanted to support her and make her rise..

Hmm, i dont understand how i feel safer with friends. I still think about her all the time though..

I suspect it probably activated with her because of the deep bonding but why did i lose mood for everything? If that was the case then i should be alright with the rest of my life…doesnt make any sense to me.

Yeah even tho she told me in the first months she felt neglected but then i fixed it, slowly..i described my actions and asked her, is this neglect? (The 9 hours videocalls, the messages, the drawings in the mornings so she can wake up to something nice, the flowers, the care i gave her, the support, the attention, everything) She said well no, but idk..

But how do u do that? What does that even mean? I dont understand..Ive always been vulnerable with her since the beginning, why did it come up almost a year after? It doesnt make sense..maybe it’s just burnout?

Well, now i lost that someone for good, none of this matters anymore, i think i am just procrastinating my grief.. i just want to stop existing in the past few weeks, sometimes i wish i dont wake up, the weight and the guilt/remorse, the pain of loss, they’re all unreal when they hit. I lost her right when she would travel here, i would hug her, kiss her, admire her up close..I fucked up badly and lost a pure soul that loved me, she said i shattered every bit of good she had for me in her.. How could she just abandon us for one panic lie? I wonder, doesn’t she miss me? Doesn’t she miss our convos, my care, our inside jokes, our love? How can she be so cruel and walk away? 🙁

Hey anita

Her parents were fine and happy actually that she met someone, because she’s single for so long and difficult in general.

Sadly i dont think this would help, i think she’s done with me, or trying to move on.. I told her numerous times how i feel a week ago, how i love her and all but she said she loves me too but the safety/trust is gone and it’s very hard, doesn’t know if she has it in her to rebuild now.

Today i was at my old job to see an old coworker and i was listening to a man speaking about his wife and i was feeling this pit again, imagining her all the time.. then i was talking to said coworker (she’s 43 and very experienced) and she said “the way i hear u talk about her feels like this girl is worth it and u definitely want her in ur life, so act like it, stop waiting! Catch a flight and go talk to her in person, then u will know u’ve done all u can”. But i said how can i do that since she doesn’t even wanna talk to me, said i kiled whatever good she had for me in her.. She said that women say a lot of such things while angry, also “most of the times we want u to show us that u want us, even in situations like these” and i checked flights, found some cheap ones for late august but last week she told me she changed her tickets to go to her hometown (she had already booked a flight for september, so i guess she will go sooner? idk it doesnt make sense to me, but she said she paid 100 euros to change the destination), so idk if she will be there and i can’t just ask her..But as soon as i saw the possibility (tickets, etc) my feelings vanished instantly.. so when the connection comes up my feelings go away? Mind u i was feeling like a trainwreck moments before..

Hey anita

I meant the part where u said “i read your posts prior to the lie and she was already very stressed..”

Truth be told, i totally didn’t because at this point i barely remember my ex exists, but some friends of mine told me that was dumb of me not to think that it would bother her..

Yes i totally agree, i will never mention anything about any ex ever again.. the thing is, idk if she can go back to us, the situation stressing her and now the mistrust added on top, its too hard..But i would do anything..

I felt like she was procrastinating (she was saying she waits on payments from her job to afford the tickets, etc) and sometimes id feel like she almost doesn’t wanna come, she just goes through the motions. She never said she’s excited to come, she would only say after i’d say “i cant wait for u to come and go places together!” “yeah honey me too!”
U can search if u have time however 🙂

Yeah i know i know, maybe i was not completely right for that either because i definitely feel like i want her in my life but two people sure need plenty of time living together to figure out if they are compatible. Even tho i think we would be fine, but still.
3 days and the chemistry was through the roof.. 🙁

I was writing her another letter now, i’m waiting on some stickers and then i’ll make the gift and mail it to her next week, i hope she gets it and doesn’t return it.. I cried again while writing the third letter… why do i have to suffer like this? 🙁

Hey anita

No no the smiley face is irony actually.

I think i accept them but at the same time i am suffering, it’s hard because i was out of character (lied).

U think this was disproportionate? My friends think the same, even tho they don’t condone my lie, they too believe this whole thing was so much smaller than how she made it to be.. Idk, her issue and deciding factor was my lie, that i kept lying to her face that i had no clue what she was talking about. This is what ruined her.

Well, if she says no chance, then i will indeed kill my hopes and stop thinking of a possible reconnection and i will move on faster, dont wanna delete her tho, i want to always be there for her in any case she needs me, even tho i know she’s stubborn and proud and will never ask of me for any help.

Well, the past few months she was in a very bad spot mentally and i had started coming up, she would even ask me if there is anything she needs to know because my recent affection and stuff seemed weird to her and she was scared i would hurt her.. which i did 🙁

Tbh anita, i have AC unit in my apartment and even tho i hate the heat, i feel so dead inside while im out working that i rarely notice it or care..

I am very up-down, having thoughts of her moving on, meeting someone else, being happier without me than she was with me, i am sad because she let us go that easily and i thought what we had could take everything on, thinking that in 4 days i would be picking her up from the airport, all those things.. how i am not gonna receive her love and care again, damn.. i understand that i want her for who she is now, the good and ugly. Too bad she can’t say the same for me..

Hey anita

Maybe u are right, it was many things piling up that led to this, but she had told me in the past “once u fool me, im out”, so maybe not idk..

I know that my care was real and she knows it too (hopefully), but i don’t wanna be without her..Its like my whole being is longing for her, idk how to explain it ive never felt it with anyone else before and ive been blindsided a few times.

Yeah she was very anxious and a bit distant in the last days, she was under a lot of stress from many factors that broke her.

I just can’t, today was hard, i can’t stop thinking about her, i have so many thoughts, i wanna text her that i miss her deeply, that her absence is gutting me, that i love her and i desperately want to rebuild and be better with her. But i know she wants space, i know she spoke to her family and friends and now she’s never coming back..

Hey anita

I think my demons is this whole thing that began in November and some more insecurities/fears.

Yeah when my protective side is off i can feel a lot of things for her, i cry because i will never hear her voice again, we will not make our inside jokes again, i won’t be able to show her my affection and kindness again and so on.. How could she throw all those so quickly and tell me that whatever good for me she had in her i destroyed? While a week ago she was thanking me for making her life more beautiful and bearable?

I know but we discussed it many times and she said she was over it, turns out she wasn’t..I wanted to help her with all those insecurities and uncertainties but turns out i made them worse. All i wanted was to share my life with her 🙁

She was the most caring and thoughtful person ive ever met, she said the same about me. How could she throw it all away just like that? Doesn’t she miss what we had? How is she willing to let all of it go for a panic lie?

It’s just so heavy, my life feels pointless. I know a person shouldn’t be your motive but i wanted to do this with her.. The void feels so strong, i am living life on autopilot, wondering if she will ever come back, she gave my life so much beauty and depth.. 🙁