Yeah, the shock of seperation which is already on for 7 days, it feels like it’s resetting every hour or every day.. I think its because i secretly hope we will get back together, then the realization hits again..

I am trying not to text her because i respect the space..Idk what would clarity feel like, since ive been feeling for months that i wanna have her in my future.Sometimes i feel like the more we let go the worse, or that maybe she regrets it and she doesn’t have the courage to text me, but then i remember what she said the last time “I am stupid for trusting u and loving u” and “i want nothing from u” so i get my hard landing again 🙂

I just wanna straight up ask her if there’s any chance for us in the near future or should i kill any hopes i have inside me because it’s not helping.. Oh how i fucked this up 🙁

Yes anita, the void and the pain is unbearable, nothing that i do makes me feel anything or alleviate the emptiness.. I am devastated and i think this one will take a long time to dissipate, if ever.. i think she will be my eternal “what if” 🙁

I know i lied to her but it was out of panic, can’t she see that? How did this shatter everything for her? She said that everytime we talk she sees the version of me lying straight to her face gaslighting her.. can’t she see the version of me that was taking care of her? Being there for her and her family? Loving her? I just can’t comprehend how can someone block all those things..

Well she should have told me what she needed then. She said she was tired of me bringing up my ex, lol! The only time i brought my ex up was back in December while i was storytelling about some creepy things that my ex happened to be in and in June when she asked “where do my fears/beliefs about latin dancing with partners come from” (my ex is a latin dancer, but solo) and even then i did tell her “are u sure u wanna know?” she said yes..

I did and sometimes i wish we hadn’t made those memories in the first place because it hurts, the void she left behind is so big..I hope she can see it herself and come back soon, so we can build something better together 🙁

Thanks for your words anita. I think i’ve never ached like this for anyone in my life before.. it’s not that i built meaning around her, it’s that i wanted to build more with her and now she’s gone… I will never feel her care and affection again.. doesn’t she miss me? how can she not mend our bond? I think this thing makes me angry but i can imagine how angry it made her when i lied straight to her face..
I have a final gift for her that i was planning on giving her upon her arrival but i will send it there instead. A week ago she told me to give it to the next girl and that she doesn’t want anything from me. I told her that there will be no next girl and this gift is hers, made by me for my little babygirl, she cried and told me to not call her that but i told her i can’t, that’s what she is to me, my babygirl.. I wrote two letters inside, pouring my heart out but i wrote it’s not a letter to win her back, i want her to know that i still hurt deeply by her absence and how much i love her.. I think people have come back from worse scenarios, cheating/etc but i doubt she will ever come back to me, sometimes i think maybe she was looking for a way out or is it just my hurt side talking? She had just talked to her family about me..

Hey anita

Oh i thought he moved there. Is he in mafia? haha

Yeah i got mad, i said things to her too, but when the dust settles, my heart goes to her again.

Yes i did keep myself gentle and non-reactive 9 times out of 10 but i think it was mostly because of my inner turmoil and feeling like i have to be better.

Well she is indeed wounded, soft, fragile and gentle but when she feels like u are fooling her she becomes a different person for a brief time. I am not excusing her i am just saying.

Thank you anita 🙂

Hmm look, she is very insecure about everything. She thinks she’s ugly, fat, hard to deal with, but she’s not. Ever since the september incident i think she never really got over it, even if i asked her a million times and she said yes, my ex was living in her head rent-free. She was so hyper-vigilant and triggered when it came to my ex. Her pattern was mostly “reject before being rejected” and i told her plenty of times “don’t be afraid of getting rejected sometimes, drop ur guard and take some initiative with us” and she was shying away laughing. I still think she’s a wonderful and kind soul but with her own demons. She used to pray for my well-being since summer of 2025, she bought me a guardian angel bell for my motorcycle, even thought of getting my sisters gifts for their birthday (8th of august-they’re twins but not looking alike and she would come at 9th), she would always ask me about my issues and worry about my health, she would check the weather here and feel bad, feel bad about many things, me spending my money on her/etc, but this is why i kept doing that, because she’s worth it, she never took me for granted, i could see the joy in her, two weeks ago she said “thank you for making my everyday a bit better and bearable”. She was the one to cover for everyone, never arguing or nagging, she would just be there. I think her positives far outweigh her negatives and that’s why i wanted to be with her and work those things, her soul is pure and hurt and i wanted to fill her with love.. too bad i have a lot of demons myself 🙁

Hey anita

He lives there for a long time? Also where is he coming from, which place in greece? Have u found another taproom yet? I guess that was important for u to blow off steam and socialize.

Yeah she did apologize for this outburst, but imagine me cursing at her? i would be done, haha

I think that’s what she had been doing, looking for things to blame me, to make her feel better/justified for leaving me. Why would she bring a year’s old topic up then? I hope someday she realizes how badly she fucked up with this one and i think she will regret cancelling the flight.

I mean, its easier to look outside than within, right? When i would express my feelings she would feel attacked or just say “if u hadn’t done this back at september this wouldnt be happening”.

Haha, thank you anita for calling me wise 🙂 Today i was explaining to my sister what happened and how she cancelled her tickets and my sister was shocked. She said while i am an idiot for lying, everything else is against her. She said “one day she’s gonna realize how hard she fumbled because u are a wonderful guy that u don’t meet often in life and u also don’t fit in interrogation rooms-like relationships”. My sister is 25 btw and she never compliments me so that caught me off guard! She also has never been in a relatioship.

I think copilot is referring to enmeshment? A term usually describing children from families that lacked identity, also on par with parentification. I mean, my defenses set boundaries firmly as of yesterday but there are moments that all my defenses drop and i cry, feel her absence, the lack of her presence in my daily life, the mutual care we would show to each other even when we were exhausted, refusing to give up, our own little language, “our little universe” as she used to call it and my heart aches, i still save reels for her.. but i guess she gave up, like i told her months ago “everyone leaves, i am used to it so i wont be surprised when u do”.
To be honest, today i was reflecting on my needs out of the relationship and how i wasnt communicating anything because i really couldnt understand what i needed, i still can’t and it bothers me.

Yeah it resonates, i think i was feeling too responsible for her feelings that i put my own aside and now everything comes out at waves, anger, confusion, disappointment, guilt, love.

I was discussing the situation with some friends also and they got furious. They said i should have been out of this long time ago, i get them but they don’t know how things were between us, the bond we shared, our connection, the love she showed me, she was caring, compassionate and considerate, always asking me how i felt about things and respected my feelings. I know what ive lost, a woman that even from afar, loved me like no other. I had so much more to give her when we would be together in person, many more experiences and love, actual love, hugs, kissing, taking care of her..

No no i mean, it was me who did something inconsiderate in september that started all this BS, otherwise things would have been smooth sailing. We had so good communication overall, we respected each other’s space and everything.
Idk, i am thinking maybe she’s kinda over me that’s why she removed the hide.

Yeah yeah, future plans+fear of losing her, mostly the second one i think was deadly serious for me, never wanted to lose her. I enjoyed the intensity of the connection, but i think the texting got to us, we should have changed our schedule and habits until we recharge. But how do u do that?

I think i did it out of “anger” too, for her prying and i thought maybe she was bluffing at first.. What i should have done was tell her the truth and that my past doesn’t concern her, draw the line there. I should have never removed the likes in the first place.
I am not idealizing, i think i am pretty grounded on grieving what we had, not what we could have been. Even tho i do that too… damn, 1 week would be left until we ride together and i take her places, i guess it wasn’t meant to be 🙁

I know the pain wont stay this sharp, but the loss of a connection so deep will remain for years, i dont think i will ever find a person that gets me in so many areas. If only i could ease my fear of abandonment..

Hey anita

Yeah but this only happened when i caused it, she didnt become like this on her own, so that’s why i was acting this way..

Yeah then definitely im burnt out. But i am so sad, devastated, can’t accept the fact that she left just like that..by my own stupidity!
I cry again remembering our little things, our deep and special connection. I doubt i will find anything like it again.

I think today i understood why i have rocd, it stops me from feeling anything. Because while i was working i was analyzing my feelings/circumstances/etc and i said to myself “why am i keep doing that? what am i trying to get out of it?” the answer was: nothing, u are just avoiding the pain. I guess while in the relationship with her i was avoiding something else, but what? Maybe copilot could shed some light.

Its friday morning here!

Hmm, it all feel like they switch so fast, thats why im saying that. But i know i probably am not.

No, we talked 3 days ago, i sent her two 5-minute voice messages to tell her how much i love her, how sorry i am this happened and that she doesn’t have to worry about me ever being unfaithful or anything while we were exclusive. I also cried while recording the messages, told her how much i miss her, sharing my day with her, caring for her and all.

She said “i hope all u say is true because i can’t handle believing something else, i am crying my eyes out again..”

She told me to take care and take my stomach meds and i told her to force some food into her (she lost 3 kgs already) and to take her vitamins and im here whatever she decides.. We didnt talk after that, i am expecting every day her name will pop up on my screen and she will say “i cant do this anymore” and she’ll remove me. Idk, nothing feels right without her anita, it feels like a part of myself is missing and ive never felt that for anyone in my life, and ive lost people. Then i feel indifference, a bit angry and disappointed because how can she just discard what we had like this?
I was always there for her, telling her to videocall me on her way home some nights, spending endless sleepless nights comforting her insecurities and fears for months, listening to her, sending her vitamins, flowers, gifts, her phone screen protector was cracked and she had no time to go and buy from the store, i ordered 8 (4 privacy-4 clear) so she’s covered for a long time, 3 phone cases with Formula logos and stuff (she’s a F1 girl), found dance schools near her so she doesnt have to search when she said she wanted to start some dancing, found her 2 AC units close to her so she can manage the heat for her autoimmune, checked her flights while moving countries, found her movies to watch, fixed her laptop issues from a distance, leaving her notes while she was sleeping to take her umbrella in the morning when i would see it’s gonna rain, talked to a pharmacy near me arranging some “off the record” deal to send her meds for her autoimmune when she will be at her homecountry because she can’t access them easily there, even thought of buying her painting canvas and water paint so she could start her old hobby that she quit and send me paintings for me to hang on my walls, found her hotels and tickets to help her with her flight here, laid out plans so she’s not anxious, even offered to pay for stuff because i knew she was tight on money.. I was thinking of driving her to and off from work sometimes, bringing her food, coffee, chocolates, flowers, taking her on small trips, even imagined us working hard to build her own dental office, if we would be to live together..
How can she not think of those while blaming me for ruining her? Calling me a narcissistic asshole? Then i feel void, then i cry again.. I was looking at her profile two hours ago admiring her beauty..a beauty that is not mine now.

Im sorry i wrote all these, it came naturally because i would actually remember things i did for her but now it feels like im bragging or i did them to control.. Ive never done any of those things for anyone ever before, not gonna show this part of myself again too.