Hey anita

I didn’t use my PC at all that’s why haha. If i am about to stop posting i’ll inform u 🙂

So guilt affected me?

Could be the case but i woke up first feeling like i dont want anything at all, then i didnt know how to tell her so this followed.. I still wonder

Yes yes exactly, i am trying to control my feelings all the time and i am trying to stop it, but its hard.

Well, how would that help?

(haha drop it, go ahead)

Hey anita

WA= Washington? I am gonna watch some videos of this place, i’m curious! Oh ok it makes sense.. Why would they be responsible for someone getting drunk in a taproom?

Yes it was like this for months but recently i was getting better until our “arguments” where i felt rejection and inadequacy (she didnt accuse me of anything, its just my mind is now prone to blame others) and she felt “hostile” again.

I dont know this movie but it sounds like hell 🙁

Haha is that u when u’ve had a bit too much to drink at the tap room anita?

Im off to sleep, talk tomorrow!

Yeah i guess it needs small steps but sometimes i feel like giving up on everything.

I didnt know u believe in god anita, sometimes i do too 🙂

Well, i’m afraid to do so because idk how much space i need sometimes so it’s confusing even for me, let alone for her.

It’s not about personal space i think, it’s about me not being in the mood to talk to anyone, including her, and idk how long i’ll be like that for, so sometimes i just force myself..

Well, she said to reduce activity in forums where i seek relief which is mostly reddit, so i think im gonna stick around for a little longer haha

I am trying since i left her office today, i feel “x” and my mind starts the analyzing but i try to change the thought. She said to just acknowledge it and why it happens (for example: i felt sad because i missed her and stop right there, not analyze why or how much i missed her and what that means, because this leads to spirals)

Well, i woke up in 12th november feeling the repulsion in my stomach as soon as i read her message, then panicking AF, so i put up a “show” trying not to hurt her until i figure things out. But i couldnt do it, so i confessed in 14th (ocd confession compulsion?) and ofc she got scared and hurt, so she pulled back hard. We decided to take a break for things to calm down but 5 days later i was missing her like crazy so i texted her and she told me that just me messaging her caused her one of the strongest panic attacks that she had in years. In that moment i felt like trash and i told her “i am very sorry for that, but imagine me telling u my issues and opening up and then u saying this”, felt like i was on the floor and she was kicking me. 10 days later while we were arguing again, trying to figure out what we should do, if we’re gonna meet, etc, i said something that triggered her (i dont remember what, but i didnt do it on purpose) and she said “im gonna erase u from my life as if i’ve never met u”. In that moment i felt an extreme pain in my stomach and i told her that i can’t perceive her as a “safe space” now and it’s ok to end things if she’d like, to which she panicked because she wasnt expecting that. (10 days later i flew out to meet her haha)
So idk if that played a big part but consciously i dont blame her since all this started because of me and she was just protecting her feelings.

Today we got into a bit of an argument because she was feeling unheard and that i dont take her feelings into consideration and i told her we can talk when she feels ready and i’ll be there for her, i felt emotional and i told her “love u” in the end but then immediately regretted it and panicked a bit because i started questioning myself “why did i say that? i wasnt feeling it 100% (even tho i was crying the other day), i will lead her on, i will hurt her” and so on, to which she replied “did u mean that or will u make me punch u?” (jokingly ofc) and i thought “why wouldnt i mean it? do i mean harm to her? no, do i want her to be happy? yes, would i do things for her? of course, was i feeling like kissing/hugging her some days ago? yeah” so i told her that i meant it and then she proceeded on confessing her own love for me, how she feels and she said that if she feels that im angry at her (which ive never been), its like something gets ripped out from within her..and in that moment i cried and imagined me holding her face in my hands, looking deep in her eyes and kissing her, but this lasted for like 30 seconds and i instantly flipped to discomfort and flight mode 🙁

I also listened to a song that she sent me on my birthday today and i keep crying to it.

Anita, what is happening to me? its all so confusing haha, sorry for the long post

Hey anita

Your nicknames are spot on haha

How is this possible? The only positive thing i can think of is to be more appreciative of the feelings IF they ever return..

Today therapist told me i should practice mindfulness and that when i feel something, i should notice it and then leave it there, not analyze it further.. Also, maybe my mind perceives the girl as a threat because our first big argument on November and what she said to me.

You know what’s weird? Before i woke up like this, when i would feel like i’m gonna lose her or upset her, i would try to win her like crazy (fawning), but now everything flipped, i am very quick to abandon ship first. I remember reading this on disorganized attachment (before i even knew that i had it) and i was like “wow, how is this possible?”. Well here we are