Hey anita

That could be a reason that things get rocky before we meet (like me in november), i think we put too much pressure on both of us but i alleviated it this time, i told her no matter what happens we dont care.

Oh she never mentioned that so idk, but seems logical to me.. i mean how can u say if u wanna be with someone before actually living with them? Funny tho, i was telling her that i want her in my life yesterday and today and i was feeling that.. She hid me on instagram so i can’t view her stories because she was about to remove me but did this instead. Today as i was looking at my feed i saw a story of hers, so that means she removed me from the list of the hidden people but like 10 mins later she put me there again, i didnt see what she posted.
After that i felt indifferent, like i dont care about her, now i feel the emptiness again, like no place is big enough for me. Isnt that the pattern? They come close – pulling away, theyre going away-u feel feelings.

Hey anita

Turns out she wasn’t bluffing, she did have screenshots of me texting another girl (that i had told her i only keep her for cringe-content, which was the truth). I had replied to some of her stories but always with humor when i would see something id like, not instigate anything. But this was back in January-April 2025, we were in contact yes, but we hadnt yet said anything about being a couple anyway, this happened after May and i pointed that out. She was mad angry because i had told her that i liked her ever since we started talking (which is true) and because i said i dont reply to stories, which i mostly don’t, just sometimes when i see something funny i might comment on it, but she said that wasnt just “commenting” for her, it was more, calling me names and liar, abusive narcissist and telling me that my self is my worst enemy.
I got a bit angry too and i put her in her place, told her that this was so belittling for her and i was not expecting that and i also have had my needs not met and dealing with a lot of negativity from her side. We kept talking, tension dropped and then she apologized and said this was so out of character but she did it just because she was angry and i told her its okay, i understand that she wanted to get some sort of “revenge” on me and i dont judge her for it.
She said that no matter how hard she tries to grieve for me and remember me, all she can see is me straight lying in her face for an hour and gaslighting her, she changed her tickets to visit her house, told me she doesn’t want any money or the gift that i made for her but i told her i will send it anyway and she can just toss it in the trash. I told her that i am willing to do whatever it takes to gain her trust back and rebuild our relationship because i want no other but no matter what she does with us, to know that i never cheated or lied to her (except this incident 3 days ago) and i was always honest and fully invested in her. Then we were sending voice messages, both crying at some, i told her i love her alot and she’s my baby and she told me to stop saying those things, i said that i could never, she’s my little girl.
We ended the convo with her wishing me well and to have a nice time with my friends, i told her that i love her to the moon and back and my arms are always open for her. She said that she can’t stop crying and doesnt know what to say, but just wishes whatever i said on my voice recordings were true..

I rode the motorcycle, which had a dusted mirror and i thought of writing “i love you” and send her a picture but then i thought that maybe that would be extra pressure for her. My friends told me i am out of my mind that i am still trying with a person that treats me this way after all this work ive put in the relationship, but they don’t know that i played my part in fueling that behaviour (not excusing it tho). Riding back home i was looking at the moon, imagining her sitting behind me and me holding her hand..i teared up.
Today i was lying in bed after i woke up (i dont really want to exist right now) and i thought of hugging her tightly, not letting her go and telling her “i love u so much”.. and i hugged the air and cried.. I wish i could somehow show her how i feel for her 🙁

I fear that as time passes, she will move on and i will never be with her again 🙁

Hey anita

I didnt know i could love someone so deeply, i will never do it for another human being ever again.. I am giving her the space, i will just message her on August 15th because on 14th she will have a job interview and i wanna tell her i hope she got the job! And my package will be arriving around those days (the one i made days ago..)

I cant stop caring for her, i want to do life with her, i never wanted to lose her… it cuts so deep, i am working and crying on the scooter all the time thinking of how i broke her trust with a stupid lie out of fear! I cant comprehend it..

Honestly? the only reason i want to breathe right now is because of the hope i have of her coming back. I know it sounds dumb but my life feels empty and pointless. She has such a special place in my heart, i dont wanna do it without her 🙁

I dont know what i did to make her hurt like that.. (i mean other than my dumb lie 2 days ago) i thought i was making her better 🙁

She had been a victim of abuse and emotional trauma in her first relationship i think, but this didn’t give her the autoimmune, something else did when she was younger, i remember her telling me some weeks ago but i cant recall it now.

I get this questioning inside me, i never tell her anything, to her i am stable, caring and loving always, never have i once spoke indifferently to her. But my question still remains, why do i get so sad and empty when she leaves, but when i have her it’s like all lights go out? Depression? Attachment? rocd? or maybe that’s just how love is supposed to feel and i am not used to it ?

Ive never told her that i dont know if i love her (only in november when i woke up like that, but even then, i told her that i just feel off)

Idk how would therapy help me, i was completely fine before november.. i dont wanna lose my bubu bear, my little girl.. yesterday when i was telling her to stay i would think “who am i gonna send cute and couple reels now? who am i gonna share the weird things that happened to me with? Who am i gonna take care of? who am i gonna draw doodles for? my world will feel so empty, i will miss her terribly 🙁

She did say in the past that maybe she needs to get away from me to be better but i dont think it’s me who’s hurting her, it’s the distance hurting us both.. but i wanted to do it with her, i dont want to try with any other girl, no girl catches my interest, i cant find such a sweet intelligent and caring woman that have so much in common with me and express my love and romance without being judged 🙁

Well yeah, i think so. I believe if she had any screenshot of me talking with another girl or something, she would be long gone by now. I guess that was her way of gaining some sense of security back..

In some sentences she said “well if u hurt me again just let me go now”, and i explained to her that my aim was never to hurt her but people in relationships hurt each other without meaning to, how we repair matters.”