She had been a victim of abuse and emotional trauma in her first relationship i think, but this didn’t give her the autoimmune, something else did when she was younger, i remember her telling me some weeks ago but i cant recall it now.

I get this questioning inside me, i never tell her anything, to her i am stable, caring and loving always, never have i once spoke indifferently to her. But my question still remains, why do i get so sad and empty when she leaves, but when i have her it’s like all lights go out? Depression? Attachment? rocd? or maybe that’s just how love is supposed to feel and i am not used to it ?

Ive never told her that i dont know if i love her (only in november when i woke up like that, but even then, i told her that i just feel off)

Idk how would therapy help me, i was completely fine before november.. i dont wanna lose my bubu bear, my little girl.. yesterday when i was telling her to stay i would think “who am i gonna send cute and couple reels now? who am i gonna share the weird things that happened to me with? Who am i gonna take care of? who am i gonna draw doodles for? my world will feel so empty, i will miss her terribly 🙁

She did say in the past that maybe she needs to get away from me to be better but i dont think it’s me who’s hurting her, it’s the distance hurting us both.. but i wanted to do it with her, i dont want to try with any other girl, no girl catches my interest, i cant find such a sweet intelligent and caring woman that have so much in common with me and express my love and romance without being judged 🙁

Well yeah, i think so. I believe if she had any screenshot of me talking with another girl or something, she would be long gone by now. I guess that was her way of gaining some sense of security back..

In some sentences she said “well if u hurt me again just let me go now”, and i explained to her that my aim was never to hurt her but people in relationships hurt each other without meaning to, how we repair matters.”

Hey anita

I couldn’t hold it in and i texted her again. I went out for a walk and i saw the moon (its one of our first shared things of communication back in 2025), i wanted to cry a lot but i was at a public place so i didnt, and as soon as i was pouring my heart out to her and telling her “the moon is getting fuller but my soul is getting emptier, i would usually send u a picture but i hope u are seeing it and thinking of us perhaps”, she posted a story with the moon, then she hid me so i can’t see her stories anymore. She was angry (hurt basically) and short-answered but we talked for 4-5 hours, i told her i am willing to rebuild and try my best with her because i choose her over and over again and im not giving up. She said that she’s not sure if her feelings can return after this, right now she feels like it’s impossible, she’s numb and feels detached, derealization, said she feels like she doesn’t know me, sees my name in her DMs and feels disgust. I straight up asked her if she wants me to cut contact altogether then, because i can’t be the only one rowing the boat or having false hopes and let her heal in peace. I think she never answered this message of mine but i am not sure, we were talking about many things. She said she feels like she doesn’t wanna come now and she doesn’t trust me, even fears that i would be violent against her or mistreat her! She can’t trust anything anymore.. I felt so sad reading this but i understand 🙁
She said that all the people around her were telling her to dump me and im not good and she was saying “he is different” but i proved her wrong. I told her that i am indeed different than the rest, because i’ve seen what most men are and that even tho my socks and underwear are ripped apart with holes, needing new shorts for the summer, i would always prioritize her over those needs of mine when i was about to get her a gift/flowers/etc and i wouldn’t even think about it, just seeing her happy was making me happy, like a kid 🙂
I told her those among other things, are some of the qualities that make me “not like most”, i believe, and i would do them all over again for her. She said that she never asked for anything (i was expecting this reply) and that those things are, for her, the basics of a relationship, like the bare minimum, because she does that too. I told her she’s mistaken but it’s alright, also i never did those things for anyone else, let alone write poems and letters, compose such creative gifts, imagine marriage with her spontaneously while listening to a song.. she said “well u will be ready for the next one now haha”, i told her that maybe she doesn’t know me after all and left it at that.

We said goodnight, she said that she can’t handle any more crying and her autoimmune got so much worse because of me, i told her i am sorry and i miss her and that my chest feels heavy from her absence.

Now anita, i am questioning myself.. is this love or is it an attempt to win her over and then i will shutdown/lose interest again? Is it all a ploy that my fear of abandonment uses?

Yeah probably but i thought she was done with my ex, like i am that i sometimes forget about her existence..

I hope she’s not done with me, i know i lied a lot and that hurt her.. She said i know why u did it but it still doesn’t cancel my feelings or how im feeling..

I never mentioned my ex in this case tho, just her aunt’s apartments but i should have thought it better.. im dumb

The breakup/ex thing.. doesnt make me feel good.

Hey anita

Damn, reading it makes me not feel so nice.. (i hope its a pause), i did send her begging texts but i stopped yesterday, i tried..
Today she posted a story with a song and the lyrics were “i believed in all the lies” and she wrote “life goes on”, this bothered me.. I texted her (not because of that) and i told her “i have no right to know how u are doing, just wanna tell u not to throw what we have in the trash” She said “i feel disgusted from all the lies yesterday and u are the one that threw it in the trash, not me”. I explained once again why i reacted this way and she said that she feels like she can’t trust me now at all, she overthinks everything. I told her thats okay, i will keep telling u that i never lied to u and that this was only a stupid decision out of panic and fear.. She said whatever and she’s very exhausted, didnt sleep at all last night, then told me “fine u want another chance? did u go out with her?” (a girl that she saw i removed my likes in september) and i thought she was mentioning another one with the same name so there was a misunderstanding there which i cleared up. She then said ok fine whatever. But she did sent me a highlight of this girl (that i havent seen since 2020) with a video of hers and a male voice being heard in the background for 1 second and she said “pls dont tell me thats not ur voice”, LOL, she searched this girl’s highlights and matched another dude’s voice with mine, what a detective. I laughed and told her that this was funny and it’s definitely not my voice. She then asked me ok maybe i was wrong, but what do u want anyway? I told her i want YOU in my life. She said idk if i can trust u right now, i asked her “u cant or u dont want?” she said maybe it’s both at the moment. I told her its alright, i can’t change ur mind if i u dont want but i refuse to let u go.. She said “u are not well” (she meant in the mind, its a phrase we use here).

Yeah, for her trust is very fragile and since i broke it in september we were trying hard to rebuild it..

Now, i was feeling very anxious/crying before we talked, after we talked i felt indifference.. now anxiety and sadness are creeping back in..

I am not well anita, i just miss her and i still feel broken, angry at myself for telling such a stupid lie..

Everything feels empty and pointless when i think that i lost her..

Maybe i never wrote about this so i will tell u now. Back in september, my ex’s sister (which is my friends girlfriend), asked me for a favor, to “Like” some instagram reels that her sister (my ex) participated in so she could gather likes and get the job. I didn’t think twice, handed her the phone and told her to do her thing. She liked i think 3 reels,i never thought anything, kept going on with my day. The next day, my gf (well, now ex :() saw said reels and we almost broke up because she felt a breach in her trust. She knew who my ex was and because of some stories that i shared with her in the beginning of our meet back in january, she felt very insecure and believed i wanted something with my ex, which was normal since it’s a LDR-nevermet situation, trust is very fragile. I told her what happened and after 10 days she decided that she wanted to try and trust me again. Now, after that time i went on a fit of rage and i would remove all the likes from my ex’s posts and from other girls that were showing up on my feed because i didn’t want her to feel like this with such situation ever again (female friends, nothing more), but she had already checked who i was following and saw some female profiles that had my likes on them. After some days she wanted to show them to her sister and she saw that i removed my likes and this raised her suspicions. Now normally i dont care about likes but since the september incident i was more cautious.

Today, she told me something along the lines “then why did u remove the likes from ur ex?” and i explained to her why. She then asked me if i had done it with other girls, i had forgotten for real and she said “well i checked this and that girl that u removed ur likes after september”. I remembered and i felt cornered and panicked that i would lose her. I told her no and that i dont remember doing that, she kept going on and asked me again “just tell me the truth, i am not crazy, i know what i saw”, i typed it and then erased it. I kept lying to her so she said “u know what? fine, i think i am so hurt that i dont even want to know u anymore”, so then i said “ok let’s tell her the truth, she deserves that at least” and i did tell her, not to try and save the relationship, i just didnt want her to feel like she’s crazy or i was cheating or smth. I told her why i did what i did and it was to protect her, she laughed and said “well, that’s one way to love someone i guess, but i don’t think i want this kind of love in my life”
I told her it’s alright, to take care and now that i’m out of the picture, all her friends will be happy she left the “asshole boyfriend that tortures her” and she will finally heal.. I cried a lot, she did too. I told her that no matter what, she’s the best thing ever happened to me and i will be waiting for her if she changes her mind, a man can only hope.. I sent her some final paragraphs pouring my heart out, some bear reels that we used to share and she said “stop, u are shattering my heart, making it so much harder”, removed my nickname and told me to respect her wish that she doesn’t wanna talk to me. I again told her i love her deeply and i hurt just as deeply and that i’ll be by her side in case she needs anything and that i miss her already and i wanna hug her tight. She sent me some sad emojis and hearts.. I told her she will forever be my precious little girl and i will be here for her if she changes her mind and wants to visit.. She said “please stop, it hurts.. goodnight”

So, that was all… I acted dumb and i lied and ruined everything.. I know she is exhausted and i sensed that maybe she wanted a way out but idk… not like this 🙁