Yeah that’s how i was thinking of her before November, i wanted to overwhelm her with love and affection!

Hmm, perhaps my experience is no different..I dont remember myself ever feeling truly happy for a long time.

Did u have any side effects with SSRIs other than when u tried getting off of them? What do u mean by clarity? on which part?

I think so too, when i said that i would feel overwhelmed with emotion (crying)

And then this, distant, disconnected.

Damn i want this to stop 🙁

So if that’s depression and it’s treated, then i will be able to feel again?

No i dont enjoy anything, nothing matters anymore. Ever since that day on November i can’t feel excitement/joy/fulfillment on anything..

Thats what ive been thinking, could it be the case?

Oh i think u mean to have the in-love feeling for life in general. But idk how that’s possible, i’ve always associated this with relationships..

I think that’s exactly how i feel, like u described it. Yeah i’ll submit it without the link, i’ll give u the video title and timestamp

Hey anita

Wow, so many information from mr Copilot laid out here! I have to take a while to read, i will try to answer to most of them.

First off, today while i was talking with my therapist, we were exploring my childhood a little bit and i think she also noticed that i am guarded because im afraid that people leave, since most of my answers were pointing to “then she’ll leave” and my biggest concern/fear up until november was to lose her. Again, i wanted to cry (but i held it in) while i was telling her “i wouldnt wanna see her gifts and think that she’s in the past now”. I also told her that yesterday while i was watching some reels with bunnies i thought of getting one but i am not suitable to raise it because i am away from home many hours a day, but my main issue was that it’s gonna die and i’ll be left behind grieving, so i avoid getting one and she connected that to the relationship. Now, an hour ago, i was watching those cute bear-couple reels again and i thought of her, started sobbing and the words “i don’t wanna lose u my love” popped out of my head for some seconds, then my mind instantly said “it’s a projection, not the truth”. Therapist also said that i should start giving attention to the feelings, instead of the numbness and the reasons to leave, but it’s hard.

About your first reply, why am i grieving her since she is still here? That’s what i was feeling from november to january.. The therapist called this part “the judge” that is harsh and dismissive.
Yes, all those emotional changes are very distressing and weird, one moment i cry and now i dont feel anything towards her, like i dont even want her at all, but 10 minutes ago i was crying to her gifts 🙁

The thing is, i don’t think it’s fear, it feels so real to me and that this is the truth that i’m not accepting, but still, how it happened doesn’t make sense to me.. Check this video out and go on 15:10, this was EXACTLY how it happened to me, what followed, etc.. title: How I overcame Relationship OCD (ROCD) by Dr. Becky Spelman | The Human Pattern

I can’t remember experiencing this thing in the past though, maybe i was disconnected for the past 20 years or so. But i guess it makes sense because this happened after we had the talk that i perceived as danger and that im “wasting my time”, before that i was fine. And of course my mind says: “come on, u cant possibly believe that u have feelings for this girl, u havent even spent time together”, it was just infatuation. But then why was i planning things? Why was i feeling so warm and content while thinking of holding her in my arms, why did i want to protect her, provide for her and be there for her and love her? it’s like a war, everything is swimming in doubts, can’t trust anything anymore. I truly believe that this will now be with me lifelong, they say it comes in the safest relationships and it makes sense now.

Thank you anita for all your effort and replies, i appreciate it 🙂

I miss having the in-love feelings

Also, sometimes when i look at my phone, it’s visual changes, i see it and the letters more narrow and tall, so weird.

Sorry for adding so many details, might be boring but sometimes i do it to see how my mind works and maybe others can find those blueprints in the future haha.