Hey anita, i hope u had a nice time at the taproom!

Yeah, i’ve never shared any of my feelings with anyone in my life, maybe with some friends but not all my feelings still. I think it was because i never felt understood and my parents were critical/dismissive of my feelings sometimes, but i am not quite sure so i dont wanna say the wrong things. I remember sometimes when i’d go and hug my mother (i was like 10) she would suspiciously look at me and tell me “what do u need now?/what mischief have u done?” so i stopped that too, eventually.

But i don’t understand, how did this happen after 7 months of feeling in love and wanting her? It has been emotionally close since summer.

I guess its because im trying to use logic to understand subconscious.

Thank you for your words, yesterday and today i feel complete void inside of me. And my mind constantly saying “end it with her, she offers u nothing”. Its really hard. A while ago i cried again thinking of how loving she is towards me, how lucky i was to meet her and how she deserves someone better than this mess that i am right now.. She is excited and happy about us doing stuff in the next videocall and i don’t feel those feelings, so i feel like a fraud and a bad person 🙁

I think i feel the resentment because i keep pushing myself to give something that i currently don’t have, but i can’t stop now.

Also, if it was normal, i would at least be able to hang out with her and enjoy my time, be myself and have fun (as i’d do with any other random girl), but with her i was all blocked, everything feels different. So maybe that says something..

I didn’t like the side effects, even though i only took it for 10 days! I felt very numb, i couldnt even feel sorrow but maybe i felt some subtle warm feelings, or it was placebo. I am thinking of starting again idk..

Thank you 🙂

Well, how can we not “crave” the loving-treatment and we shutdown? It seems strange to me

Hey anita

Check her out when you have free time, she also has a page on the internet. it’s an interesting channel and she knows what she’s talking about, i resonate with many of her videos and i never knew those were patterns 🙂

I havent researched into pure ocd but i’ve read a bit about it, will see what the therapist says.

She is such a sweet soul and i’ve never been treated like that before, consistency, loving actions and reassurance 🙂

I know i know, i just constantly feel that something is “missing” or it’s not “enough” and i can’t think of any reason (incompatible, etc) so it’s either i am shutdown in that department or i am chasing the dopamine hits.

I’ve watched many videos of Paulien Timmer on healing the FA and some things she describes for her, are spot on to what i am going through.

Yes it’s the sensation of dopamine and other hormones probably, which i’ve never even thought could drop, that whole thing makes me doubt everything 🙁

U are right, i should build based not on wonderful passing hormones..

Damn today my mind made so many contradicting thoughts.

Yes exactly, like being high for months and then suddenly, boom! everything crashed..

I guess it ends badly 🙁