However, escitalopram is destroying my libido i think.. I spoke with the doctor today and he said wait until 4 weeks and then inform him again. From what i read on forums as long as u are on them ur libido is gone. Which is a huge no-no for me but i will see how it goes, 2 more weeks!

Hey anita

I dont know to be honest. I am still trying to figure it out but passion for anything is pretty much absent yes..

Oh no i am trying not to do that since January but it’s hard because sometimes u gotta say some things in order for the others to get u but i am trying to be delicate and its good so far.

Because i don’t like it any other way, i think i’m not enjoying life otherwise.

Yes i am keeping the med, even tho i am scared its making me numb/flatter i am gonna be taking it for at least 8 weeks and see how it goes, i’m on week two in 2 days.

Copilot is right, my system was always scanning for future loss and such things. But i can’t tell for sure where that came from (i mean specific events), could be a mix of everything.

But nowadays i feel nothing in the thought of loss or love, i guess SSRIs do that in the beginning, i hope it balances itself and i get some dopamine and other hormones in because it sucks like this 🙁

I think im still expecting her to up and leave at any point but im trying to work through that. I remember last year i was imagining us being together and both working hard to build her own dental clinic, which is funny because today she playfully asked me “would u help me build it?” and i was like “wow, never thought she would say this!”

Today i had a dream where i was with another girl (idk who, never knew her) and i was having the hots for her but i restrained myself, thinking my own girl, then compared her to mine (in my dream) and said “she can’t come close, not worth it” and i left. Then i saw some messages of my girl being mad, probably because she discovered something and i woke up, felt really bad, like it’s a sign that i should break up because “why would i dream of another girl??!” 🙁

Hey anita

I am trying to be caring and loving with her always, even when im not feeling it. And of course i am honest 100% but sometimes i have to turn it down a notch because honesty can hurt if u are not careful 🙁

I know but i put on myself this standard that i have to be perfect, never hurt her and so on. I think this creates pressure on me..

Our videocall lasted 6 hours (because she had to sleep in order to wake up in 2 hours for work) and we laughed a lot, had many many convos and i was admiring her beauty but because i was “checking it” then it felt “not enough”, damn brain! She’s also gonna book tickets for the end of july 🙂

Something else that seems strange to me is, i was looking at socials of a man mourning his wife (she passed due to an accident some years ago) and while reading his posts, his sorrow and his love, all i could think of was her (the girl i am with) and idk why i do that, it creeps me out sometimes.. Because a week ago i saw on the news a motorcyclist fatal accident and i thought “what if something like this were to happen to me? How would she learn the news? How would she react? My mind makes all those grim scenarios.

The thing now is why did i lose the “rush” to videocall tonight with her again? Its so annoying that it lasts only for a brief period of time..

Hey anita

Yes it calms me a lot, maybe even to the point of numbness, close actually.

Exactly yes.. ok i will worry about that if and when it happens then.

I know right? It’s like u do 10 things that are good for me and 1 bad and i get annoyed by the 1 bad so much..

I explained my thinking and that this is what she misunderstood and got hurt, which she gets but she still got hurt, our brain works differently (female-male things) but we agreed to be very open because noone wants to hurt the other person. The thing is, when she gets hurt she puts up a wall instead of informing me right away so then i feel like i wanna leave too. We will discuss it in videocall soon. In the morning today was ok, as soon as we said some sweet words to each other i felt good i asked her about something that was bothering me (that she did) and i felt shutdown again. It’s really annoying because i get this on/off feelings in me and its confusing!

For me it used to be 90 minutes for my normal workouts..

Hey anita

I dont know if it’s placebo or not since they say it needs 4-6 weeks to see benefits but i definitely feel calmer/more numb (?)

I meant, what if my body get used to the ssris and the old thoughts with intensity and doubts return like before?

Today was not good, there was a misunderstanding and we spent the whole day arguing, now i feel like i dont want her, lol. I guess that’s normal when people argue to feel like this for a little while..

Morning started out great, then she told me some thoughts are annoying her and she feels overwhelmed by life and wants some space from communication for a couple of days to focus on herself, i told her sure. Then one thing led to another and she told me that yesterday (and once more during the last videocall) something i said made her feel like i am hiding her from people (it was because i am too secretive about my personal life) and she felt like i dont want to be seen with her. Then i explained to her but it still consumed energy and focus.. now we feel like we’re on edge even tho we are still texting and she saying she’s over it.

Hey anita

I understand this process ure describing but because i guess it all happens subconsciously it seems so strange for ur own brain to sabotage ur happiness, but i guess its a protection mechanism 🙁

Yes she’s loving indeed, very caring and considerate, a sweet baby 🙂

The last two days have been nice, we’ve been texting for two days straight, almost like before. We vibe, we get into spicy convos and i like it, but the thoughts are still there and they are so annoying!

For example, she sent me two photos of her and i really can’t find anything not to like on her, she’s so beautiful, her eyes, her lips, her hair, everything! But my mind goes “why are u not feeling head over heels?”

Or something else, she asked me if i would be okay with her attenting latin dance classes with partners (male-female), i told her that i would not feel ok with this and she respected it, said she doesn’t want to make me feel bad not even a little bit. And then i questioned myself “would i really feel jealous or is this an act? am i doing this out of habit?”

She’s such a treasure, an honest and caring woman that shows me so much love and affection however she can.. Yesterday i was seeing some posts about LDR and people saying “nice being in a 3-ppl relationship” and other stuff like this and i laughed and felt lucky that i have her because i said to myself “those posts dont touch me because my girl is amazing and i trust her 100% that she’s not like most people”, and that felt nice, but my mind doubts even that!

Hey anita

U think? Sometimes i get thoughts like “why am i doing it? maybe its a habit?” but then i remember how i was gazing at her in the videocall, how much i wanted to kiss her and grab her, the thoughts of me moving to cyprus for her.. its all so strange and contradicting.

Therapist said that she has seen this in other patients with rocd again, the emotional impermanence. They were describing that “if the object/sensation is not there, it feels like the relationship has no meaning”.