Hey anita

Haha, excuse my poor memory, it’s a mess!

Yeah pretty much this. So this is a disorganized attachment thing? Gemini says could be burnout and my system can’t handle intense emotions for too long. I am watching a video of some people in an island and i am thinking of me & her there, enjoying the sunset, walking around the island, damn.. Also i was reminscing of my time @ germany with her and i am thinking maybe i should have appreciated it more.. I dont want this to be “a thing u appreciate after u lose it” case 🙁

Hey anita

Its funny u posted that emoji because thats her emoji that she uses when she expresses happiness haha

I was like that too, but alcohol helped me as well. Now i can dance easier and i rarely care about what anyone says or how i look but still it feels weird.

So, yesterday night we argued and she felt like she doesn’t want to come now, so idk if we will meet at 9th of august. She texted me to tell me she booked hotel, then we chatted and i saw she was a bit distant/cold/short replies. So before we say good night i couldn’t hold it and i asked her what’s wrong, told her no need to force things. She said that what i did hurt her a lot, because i didn’t consider her feelings, and i was shocked because in my head i did nothing wrong, BUT, look at the case.. My ex (which has become a huge insecurity for her since the september incident, that i thought we had put behind us, apparently not) is my best friend’s girlfriend’s sister. So her sister told me that her aunt owns some Airbnbs in case my girl needs a place to stay and can drop the price a bit. I immediately told my gf that there is this option available in case she can’t find a place to stay. She said “it’s alright honey i will book a hotel anyway and thanks for the offer”, told her “yeah since the money isnt much different, but i just dropped on the table as an option, u can do ur thing”. 3 days pass, she says nothing, until i asked her yesterday. She said “how could u not think that i would feel hurt with u suggesting me to stay in ur ex’s aunt airbnb?!” I told her that my mind doesn’t work like that and i see it as a practical way to also save some money and that i haven’t even thought about my ex in this whole predicament, i basically have erased her existence from my mind. Also told her that from what i remember she and her aunt have no relationship, they barely talk. She insisted that this hurt her so then i opened up too, told her that things hurt me too, like in June when she said “i know i would be better off without u but i cant leave u”, then arguing about something else, then suddenly booking tickets one morning, telling me she loves me while crying and suddenly this. I asked her how would she feel and react if she was in my spot within all this push-pull. I also told her that sometimes i feel like my ex still haunts us and she said that this is my fault from september and i asked her when or how could this go away for good? She then said that “now i don’t feel like i want to come, i feel off/awkward”, i told her i still love her and want her to come and have some good times together, do the things we planned but i would understand if she wants to get away from me. She said she still loves me and that doesnt change within a day but she will think about it and thanked me for the space.

Now, i know she feels hurt but how could i know this would bother her? We had discussed it again back in october (the airbnb option) and she thanked me, said we’ll keep it in mind and never mentioned anything. I asked her “how can i know if things bother u after they havent bothered u the first time? am i a mind reader?” she said “well, u should be more considerate of my feelings and what could hurt me”.. I honestly don’t know, it feels like i have to walk on eggshells and be aware of every word i say. I explained to her how i think on those matters (because she asked me “would u be alright with me booking u a room on my EX’s father hotel?” i told her yes ofc, if it would mean i save money and find a good room, why not? i dont care about ur ex) and she said that we have a different thinking on some things. I told her that this is why she feels hurt, because she expects me to think like she does or read her mind on some matters.

Today as soon as i opened my eyes i had the “she’s not coming, maybe i screwed up” thought in my head, a heavy sinking feeling in my chest like melancholy and i cried. I went to the super market, saw a Winnie teddy bear and bought it with the hopes that she will come and i’ll give it to her (she calls me her teddy bear). It feels weird, empty and sad now 🙁

Hey anita

I am trying to but idk, feels difficult every day.

Two days ago we were texting and then she asked me how would i feel if she died (random thoughts that i have as well in regards to this matter) and i told her that some weeks ago i was thinking the same, what would she feel if i was gone (e.g accident) and she said that she would be devastated and just the thought of that makes her cry a lot, i was crying a lot too and i felt the need to express my love and support to her again, which i did. We wondered how can two people that only met for 3 days love each other? I cried a lot that night.
Then yesterday i was watching a reel with a couple dancing and my mind created this thought “me watching this video, after we’ve ended things and feeling nostalgia/void in my chest” then instantly my eyes got full of tears. Idk why i have those thoughts, i think it’s called anticipatory grief?
She’s going through a very rough patch because she’s having anxiety and panic attacks with all the stressing events that are unfolding now in her life, also her coming here in 20 days makes her anxious like hell. We’ve discussed it and by how she describes it, it’s almost exactly what i went through in november. She said that she’s typing goodnight messages and she feels nothing, dead inside, can’t form sentences easily, like what happened to me. I told her that it’s probably burnout like mine and to stop trying to feel things/do grand gestures and stuff. I sent her flowers yesterday to brighten up her day a little bit, she was so happy and told me that i make every day better for her.
Now the thing is, for some reason i believe it’s our situation that makes her like that, maybe that’s my mind trying to create scenarios for avoidance but idk.. Also, it’s been 10 days since i stoppped escitalopram and i still don’t have my libido and mood back. I hope it’s not permanent.

Hey anita

Yeah i was very against hurting good people in general, especially her, a sweetheart that loves me 🙁

I think i had a lot of shame in the beginning but i am slowly learning to drop it. I don’t think anyone can control their feelings haha, its just my impossible standards.
Yesterday we were texting at noon and i was feeling nice, in a good mood, and i felt like telling her i love her, so i told her and she was surprised but she liked it a lot. Then i saw our cute bear reels that we share and i cried. I relate the female teddy bear to her and it gets me every time. I know it sounds childish but idk why i do it.
The negative feelings/avoidance strategies seem to have subsided to like 30-40% from 70% in the past 10 days, don’t wanna jinx it tho haha. I also stopped the meds entirely, 13/7 will be the third day that i am off. Haven’t noticed anything different tbh, slightly more libido but that’s it. Maybe it needs more time.

I think i relate to what copilot’s saying. Lately i was questioning “what is love really? have i ever loved anyone? how do people that love feel like?” also, what were those things that i was feeling with previous girls? Just excitement? lust? infatuation? I think i also expected relationship to “save” me. Also, when i am the chaser (and the other party isn’t clear on their feelings, or im trying to win them over) i think i am safe to feel strongly because i “control” the situation, which is what flipped here in november in a way.

Hey anita

Thank you for your information. I think u and copilot are right. Chasing feelings and fighting them brings conflict and misery, but like u said, its easier said than done haha.
There are times that i can let go and ease into things but it feels as if im walking on a tight rope, but the shame, self loathing and frustration are there indeed.

I know it’s not good having “shoulds and shouldnts” but its damn hard going on with this frustration daily 🙁

Sponge

I see a similarity here, u blaming ur inexperience in sex/relationships for the previous girl suddenly leaving u as soon as u showed feelings (vulnerability), saying that it delayed u. Now that u got another girl, perhaps before u become fully vulnerable with her (sex, deepening the relationship), something in ur subconscious shifted, fearing that she will leave u too, if she finds out about your lack of experience (supposedly, thats what u were blaming in the beginning with the previous girl), so u deactivated/shutdown to reject her first. Makes sense?

Anita will shed some light here too 🙂

I did yes, because when i read what what she texted me i smiled a little bit, but that’s about it 🙁

I think i don’t wanna try another med anytime soon. They say Bupropion helps with depression/anhedonia but it also increased anxiety and thoughts so maybe i shouldn’t try that yet.

He said the same thing he told me 4 months ago, that i am emotionally blunted/flat but we call it “frozen” sometimes in greek. He did tell me that he didn’t believe SSRIs would help my case to be fair. He also said to take them with anti-psychotics but i didnt like the effects so i didnt take those.

Today she texted me to check in on me and how i am feeling with my stomach issues and while i should be appreciating that, i felt nothing, i feel nothing for everyone and everything 🙁

We discussed what seemed “bad” to her and it was something she understood wrong, but i think it all boils down on her inability to trust me and nitpicking everything i say trying to find something in my words. She then said “i just wanted to feel like u care enough about me 🙁 ”
This phrase would have me melting before november but now i just can’t feel emotions for anyone and it’s really annoying..

Hmm, i don’t know..I dont disagree with and maybe you are right but i still feel hollow. I can’t even get sad.. On top of that, adding other people’s experiences dont really help. I mean, other than being chill (emotionally dead), what else did it improve?

I can’t feel good while laughing anymore either..