Hey anita

Yeah i was very against hurting good people in general, especially her, a sweetheart that loves me 🙁

I think i had a lot of shame in the beginning but i am slowly learning to drop it. I don’t think anyone can control their feelings haha, its just my impossible standards.
Yesterday we were texting at noon and i was feeling nice, in a good mood, and i felt like telling her i love her, so i told her and she was surprised but she liked it a lot. Then i saw our cute bear reels that we share and i cried. I relate the female teddy bear to her and it gets me every time. I know it sounds childish but idk why i do it.
The negative feelings/avoidance strategies seem to have subsided to like 30-40% from 70% in the past 10 days, don’t wanna jinx it tho haha. I also stopped the meds entirely, 13/7 will be the third day that i am off. Haven’t noticed anything different tbh, slightly more libido but that’s it. Maybe it needs more time.

I think i relate to what copilot’s saying. Lately i was questioning “what is love really? have i ever loved anyone? how do people that love feel like?” also, what were those things that i was feeling with previous girls? Just excitement? lust? infatuation? I think i also expected relationship to “save” me. Also, when i am the chaser (and the other party isn’t clear on their feelings, or im trying to win them over) i think i am safe to feel strongly because i “control” the situation, which is what flipped here in november in a way.

Hey anita

Thank you for your information. I think u and copilot are right. Chasing feelings and fighting them brings conflict and misery, but like u said, its easier said than done haha.
There are times that i can let go and ease into things but it feels as if im walking on a tight rope, but the shame, self loathing and frustration are there indeed.

I know it’s not good having “shoulds and shouldnts” but its damn hard going on with this frustration daily 🙁

Sponge

I see a similarity here, u blaming ur inexperience in sex/relationships for the previous girl suddenly leaving u as soon as u showed feelings (vulnerability), saying that it delayed u. Now that u got another girl, perhaps before u become fully vulnerable with her (sex, deepening the relationship), something in ur subconscious shifted, fearing that she will leave u too, if she finds out about your lack of experience (supposedly, thats what u were blaming in the beginning with the previous girl), so u deactivated/shutdown to reject her first. Makes sense?

Anita will shed some light here too 🙂

I did yes, because when i read what what she texted me i smiled a little bit, but that’s about it 🙁

I think i don’t wanna try another med anytime soon. They say Bupropion helps with depression/anhedonia but it also increased anxiety and thoughts so maybe i shouldn’t try that yet.

He said the same thing he told me 4 months ago, that i am emotionally blunted/flat but we call it “frozen” sometimes in greek. He did tell me that he didn’t believe SSRIs would help my case to be fair. He also said to take them with anti-psychotics but i didnt like the effects so i didnt take those.

Today she texted me to check in on me and how i am feeling with my stomach issues and while i should be appreciating that, i felt nothing, i feel nothing for everyone and everything 🙁

We discussed what seemed “bad” to her and it was something she understood wrong, but i think it all boils down on her inability to trust me and nitpicking everything i say trying to find something in my words. She then said “i just wanted to feel like u care enough about me 🙁 ”
This phrase would have me melting before november but now i just can’t feel emotions for anyone and it’s really annoying..

Hmm, i don’t know..I dont disagree with and maybe you are right but i still feel hollow. I can’t even get sad.. On top of that, adding other people’s experiences dont really help. I mean, other than being chill (emotionally dead), what else did it improve?

I can’t feel good while laughing anymore either..

Hey anita, two hours ago she texted me if i am awake or asleep. I saw her message and my stomach dropped. I immediately started making scenarios in my head that she will end it and my heart started racing. She told me she had a bad feeling and wanted to see if i am okay.
I told her i missed her and we talked a bit. She told me that basically she got overwhelmed by the convo and that she gets panic attacks frequently after the day she fainted (she passed out 1 day after this unexpected and tough convo we had that probably touched a deep trauma of hers). Then she said that another conversation that we had looked “weird” to her but we will discuss it tomorrow or another time. She feels just a tad better than before and asked me if i dont wanna be in contact with her anymore, i told her ofc i want and she said the same.

Idk what made her panic like that because at first my answers seemed to calm her down but then her overthinking probably made her panic and freeze/pull away. I dont like that she doesnt mention what bothers her at the spot but lets hope she works on that.

Hey anita

You are right it’s not but there are so many people there so u can compare or read opinions, idk where else u can find that population.

Hmm, u might be right, since when that convo happened she told me she was planning on leaving me to find a better girl to give me more, but i told her i don’t want another, i just want her. Idk if she can believe that though..