Hey anita

I did share everything after i got this incident in november so i could give her something to understand and not think i was manipulating her, but still i opened up about everything.

Thank you 🙂 I did feel our connection as precious and special, it’s just now that i am in this state, it’s like nothing matters to me. But when i think back at it, i get tears and maybe a warm feeling that what we’ve built is very nice 🙂

U think that’s what caused my shutdown? I will elaborate more on that on another post later

Yes u are right, i am focused on what i SHOULD be feeling (which is probably elation, infatuation, honeymoon phase, etc) and i don’t pay attention to the other feelings. Hmm i would say it’s like appreciation and caring.

I did not express anger/sadness to anyone in my life, including my parents.Never felt comfortable doing so.
Also yes, if i can recall correctly, sometimes i did “manage” myself to not disturb anyone. You think those things affect me today?

Welcome back anita!

The truth is, with her i felt the most seen/loved and cared for, even typing this my eyes get watery. But right now i can’t feel the “appreciation” for all those positives and i feel ungrateful. 🙁

I don’t really have much to tell her though haha. I was disconnected

I’ll reply tomorrow 🙂

Haha your phone just dumping emojis after words. No there is no valid reason, but as soon as i felt this drop in my enthusiasm/feelings or whatever this was and the thought “what if i dont want her?” crossed my mind, i immediately felt immense guilt.

I am gonna sleep now too, anita. Talk tomorrow 🙂

Never mind dont pay attention to that 🙂

So because i dont have intense feelings right now, i feel guilty/shameful and like i am leading her on, so intimacy makes me uncomfortable? Even though my actions are very loving towards her.

Idk about your last message because i would fantasize for months me and her being together and doing things. But moving to another country was kinda too much for me at the time, i hadn’t really processed it, seemed too soon

Hey thomas

I have read what you’re talking about and it does make sense to me but i’ve always set such high standards on myself around this area and how i should be feeling all the time. Also my fall was quite sudden and what followed was also weird (for me at least), that’s why i stuck around.

Anita

Yes my house was chaotic and violent almost since i can remember myself up until i was like 20-22 years old. I do have some memories but i can’t experience the feelings, just remembering the events. But i was mostly numb to love and excitement, only romance would get me going.

I did felt many intense things, i remember a week prior to my shutdown, i would feel “so much”, like overflowing from feelings from top to bottom. I was also telling to myself “we must not lose this one”. You think as soon as i sensed that i might lose her (push her away) i just shutdown? How can i come out of it 🙁

But is it? Or does it mean more numb i wonder?

Yeah exactly, everything feels like too much. Someone talking more than they should, honking on the street, or even when they ask of me some small favor or something, i get irritated.

Then i hope she can understand and guide me through things or point me to other more suitable therapists if she decides it.

I’m trying to have prints of my experience because i tend to forget quickly 🙁

I also noticed something about myself, which idk if it’s from the dissociation or not, but i think i’ve never “felt love” for anyone in my life. I mean, the love that people feel when they talk about their parents/siblings/etc.I think i might have only felt it for this girl, since i feel happy when i make her happy and i would get feelings when i was with her in person or videocall, or maybe that’s just dissociation talking still.I’ve also never missed people. Even when i was in the army, i didnt miss anyone. Perhaps because we were in contact, but still it seems weird to me. Maybe all this “blocking” started since when i was much much younger?

Also, today, while texting with her and she was expressing affection, telling me about the gifts she wants to get me (my birthday is soon) i felt bad and i got the extreme urge to pull away and retreat, but i didn’t. I stayed and expressed affection as well (which wasnt fake, just not as intense in my head). I think i might have some trouble receiving love right now, because before all that, when she would be affectionate i would feel warmth inside 🙁
I suspect that when it’s urgent (vanish/retreat/stomach pit feelings), it’s avoidance/rOCD talking so i expose myself to it.

Hey anita

Sometimes i feel nice with this idea too 🙂 Before november this would be all i desire with her 🙁

I think dorsal vagal shutdown fits me as well. Perhaps it went down like this: Woke up feeling less in love/excited in general, started thinking i will lose her, panic, intense grief, more panic-> complete shutdown. I remember days 2 months ago when i would feel like nothing matters and it would be better for me to not exist at all.

I definitely had all those (numb, checkedout, blank, foggy, trouble thinking-speaking and unable to care about anything) especially during november-january. Its KINDA better now but like a 5-10%.

Oh, sometimes i would have such symptoms like spaced out, disconnecting mid-convo with others and my mind would zone out, mostly avoiding lights and some clothes.

Some resonate but idk, would be better to not self-diagnose again haha. I wonder what should i say to the new therapist (OCD, CBT and depression specialist), i really want to get out of this hole 🙁

Hmm i have no clue honestly, it’s weird 🙂