Hey anita, been a while 🙂

I dont know if it’s this black & white because everyone experiences love and feelings different so..

Maybe i was the same as u? I dont have a clue.

I think i understand this now, being vulnerable, open to get hurt, maybe this is true..

Today is a really hard day for me..
Two days ago we were discussing her flight tickets/hotel/etc, everything was fine..Yesterday she told me that she feels her avoidant side coming up and that it’s making her uneasy and wanting to bolt. I asked her if i did something that triggered it, she said no, it’s just there but she will push through it. I told her that maybe it’s because the idea of her coming to me now is getting more real and now her defenses kick in, she said she doesn’t know but she really wants to come. Then a whole conversation that didnt go well happened. She told me that she doesn’t feel “safe” with me because she feels uncertainty, since the last time we talked about it (1 month ago), the goals and everything. Again, i told her that i am a day-to-day guy, wanting to experience us together first and after a while i can visualize something more far into the future (that’s also a defense mechanism for me i think) and out of respect and love for her, i dont wanna lie and feed her “together forever” bullshit, i am keeping it real. She said that this wasn’t the problem, her issue is my words. The last time we were talking about those things i told her something along the lines “ofc i wanna build a life with the girl i am gonna be with” and this landed hard on her. She felt like i am just passing my time with her until i find someone better and i don’t visualize a future with her, which isn’t the case. It was a misunderstanding and i explained to her that i don’t wanna tell her that she’s the girl of my life after only knowing her for 3 days, that would be delusional and i don’t believe in fairytales such as “i knew i would be with them since the moment i met them” holywood crap and i didn’t want to feel like a clown to her if things didn’t work out. I told her that she has all the qualities i want in a girlfriend and ofc i would want her in my future but her assumptions of our last convos were deeply rooted in her head. She felt hurt, i did too and i felt a lot of avoidance and deactivation to her. We just said goodnight and left it at that.
But today i am in deep shit. I work mindlessly, autopilot. I don’t feel good any moment of the day and i feel like i can’t stay at home either. Nothing makes sense, nothing gives me joy and she’s all i can think of. I cried 3 times thinking about her today and it instantly stopped a minute after. There were moments where i felt like i wanna tell her “i love u so much” and i would tear up but then something was stopping it and it felt “foreign” after that moment. It’s really shit. I think that every time she’s close to booking tickets to visit me, some bad convo starts and then says “im not feeling it” and backs off. I told her that i noticed this pattern but she refused.

I think my situation goes beyond “relationship issue” and it has always been a burnout/depressive episode (since november), but my mind turned on my relationship with her because it was the most important thing in my life and it required energy/effort which i lacked, i was mortified in the thought of losing her, the best thing ever happened to me, my sweet baby girl. But now i can’t even feel scared, just remnants of sadness here and there 🙁
Nothing gives me joy or fulfillment, i feel like a zombie walking around, doing things automatically (thats how ive been feeling since november, thats why i think it doesnt have to do with the relationship, but my mind has to blame something). And the childhood dreams with abandonment came because i was so afraid i would lose her, i believe.
I read something about dorsal vagal shutdown, have u seen anything about it, anita?

Oh i dont remember we had discussed that in the past, damn my brain fog is elite. 🙂

Copilot: “Dorsal‑vagal shutdown: In this state, a person can feel numb, tired, disconnected, like they’re moving through the day on autopilot, or like nothing brings joy. It’s not a choice and it’s not a personality flaw — it’s the body’s way of saying, ‘This is too much right now, so I’m going to shut things down to keep you going.’ When someone is in this state, even normal emotions like love, fear, or excitement can feel muted or confusing, because the whole system is trying to conserve energy. It’s a sign that the person is overwhelmed and needs steadiness, rest, and support, not pressure or big emotional conversations.”

Here’s part of Copilot’s advice for me in regard to my input to you: “You are not his therapist. You don’t need to fix his relationship, his girlfriend, or his shutdown. A clean boundary sounds like: ‘I’m here to listen, but I can’t analyze this for you.’

“Shutdown that lasts months needs professional attention, not forum analysis. Example tone: ‘It might help to talk to someone in your life or a professional who can support you through this.’ This is redirecting toward real support.

“The essence- When someone is in shutdown, they don’t need insight. They need safety, steadiness, and simplicity. Your job is not to lift him out of the hole — it’s to avoid climbing into it with them.” (end of Copilot’s words).

Well that almost hurts 😔 I so wished I could be “real support” and “lift (you) out of the hole”. Wish-wish-wish I could.

But I trust that you can- not necessarily right now, today, or tomorrow, but Confused Can (CC).

✨🌿💫🤍Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

By planning ahead I meant that you and her prepare a schedule for the visit: what you will be doing every day, including how much time you’ll be spending talking about the relationship- maybe even have rules about such talking- all so that there’s a structure and a routine. It eases anxiety.

The above is an idea that crossed my mind yesterday.

I think that talking to a psychiatrist about an SSRI (or the other drug we talked about which is not an SSRI that sounded better, forgot its name?) is a good idea!

✔️🌿✨️ Anita

Hi Confused

I use this lovely guided meditation to help me relax & reset, it is 2hours long, but maybe you & your girlfriend could listen to it together when you meet up, it could be a pleasant way to spend time together unpressuerized. it is on youtube and it is titled Yoga nidra sleep meditation for sleep & insomnia by Ally Boothroyd
Best of luck to both of you
Kind regards
Roberta

Yeah anita, i’ve read about those too. I think my depression is induced by my thoughts, no? My thoughts burnt me out and made me anhedonic/depressed. But i am not sure yet..which one started first. They say wellbutrin which raises dopamine, will make the thoughts even stronger, thats why they suggest SSRI, not SNRI. But my mind is like “its not a brain problem it’s because u dont love her”
Even tho today she was expressing to me how my different view of relationships shattered her romance (like she did to me in november) because i sound too cynic and she was hurt. Then she told me that the best for her is to leave me because i told her i am dragging her down with me and i started crying. I told her “i know i am hurting you by being like this baby and u dont deserve it, u only deserve the best and if that means we won’t be together, so be it” and i cried and cried. Then my crying suddenly stopped and it was as if it didnt happen. I got confused..
She said she doesnt want to leave me and thinking about it causes her panic attacks but she doesn’t know what else to do. I told her that i love her no matter what she chooses and i’ll always be there for her.

The thing is, she didnt leave (or didnt do it yet), we still texting but she’s cold and closed off, i don’t feel like calling her sweet names now, after the intense moment passed (when i was crying). It’s like i have two sides inside of me, one that loves her and shows her emotions and one that stops all that.. Wow so weird, what does copilot say about this anita?

Heal what exactly? the nervous system or something else? She offered me to leave me alone so i can find myself in peace without the pressure trying to spend energy on her. I told her that she gives me strength to do it and if she leaves, i dont really care about what happens to me. Ill just stop therapy and let myself be, because i will have nothing to fight for.