Its friday morning here!

Hmm, it all feel like they switch so fast, thats why im saying that. But i know i probably am not.

No, we talked 3 days ago, i sent her two 5-minute voice messages to tell her how much i love her, how sorry i am this happened and that she doesn’t have to worry about me ever being unfaithful or anything while we were exclusive. I also cried while recording the messages, told her how much i miss her, sharing my day with her, caring for her and all.

She said “i hope all u say is true because i can’t handle believing something else, i am crying my eyes out again..”

She told me to take care and take my stomach meds and i told her to force some food into her (she lost 3 kgs already) and to take her vitamins and im here whatever she decides.. We didnt talk after that, i am expecting every day her name will pop up on my screen and she will say “i cant do this anymore” and she’ll remove me. Idk, nothing feels right without her anita, it feels like a part of myself is missing and ive never felt that for anyone in my life, and ive lost people. Then i feel indifference, a bit angry and disappointed because how can she just discard what we had like this?
I was always there for her, telling her to videocall me on her way home some nights, spending endless sleepless nights comforting her insecurities and fears for months, listening to her, sending her vitamins, flowers, gifts, her phone screen protector was cracked and she had no time to go and buy from the store, i ordered 8 (4 privacy-4 clear) so she’s covered for a long time, 3 phone cases with Formula logos and stuff (she’s a F1 girl), found dance schools near her so she doesnt have to search when she said she wanted to start some dancing, found her 2 AC units close to her so she can manage the heat for her autoimmune, checked her flights while moving countries, found her movies to watch, fixed her laptop issues from a distance, leaving her notes while she was sleeping to take her umbrella in the morning when i would see it’s gonna rain, talked to a pharmacy near me arranging some “off the record” deal to send her meds for her autoimmune when she will be at her homecountry because she can’t access them easily there, even thought of buying her painting canvas and water paint so she could start her old hobby that she quit and send me paintings for me to hang on my walls, found her hotels and tickets to help her with her flight here, laid out plans so she’s not anxious, even offered to pay for stuff because i knew she was tight on money.. I was thinking of driving her to and off from work sometimes, bringing her food, coffee, chocolates, flowers, taking her on small trips, even imagined us working hard to build her own dental office, if we would be to live together..
How can she not think of those while blaming me for ruining her? Calling me a narcissistic asshole? Then i feel void, then i cry again.. I was looking at her profile two hours ago admiring her beauty..a beauty that is not mine now.

Im sorry i wrote all these, it came naturally because i would actually remember things i did for her but now it feels like im bragging or i did them to control.. Ive never done any of those things for anyone ever before, not gonna show this part of myself again too.