Its friday morning here!

Hmm, it all feel like they switch so fast, thats why im saying that. But i know i probably am not.

No, we talked 3 days ago, i sent her two 5-minute voice messages to tell her how much i love her, how sorry i am this happened and that she doesn’t have to worry about me ever being unfaithful or anything while we were exclusive. I also cried while recording the messages, told her how much i miss her, sharing my day with her, caring for her and all.

She said “i hope all u say is true because i can’t handle believing something else, i am crying my eyes out again..”

She told me to take care and take my stomach meds and i told her to force some food into her (she lost 3 kgs already) and to take her vitamins and im here whatever she decides.. We didnt talk after that, i am expecting every day her name will pop up on my screen and she will say “i cant do this anymore” and she’ll remove me. Idk, nothing feels right without her anita, it feels like a part of myself is missing and ive never felt that for anyone in my life, and ive lost people. Then i feel indifference, a bit angry and disappointed because how can she just discard what we had like this?
I was always there for her, telling her to videocall me on her way home some nights, spending endless sleepless nights comforting her insecurities and fears for months, listening to her, sending her vitamins, flowers, gifts, her phone screen protector was cracked and she had no time to go and buy from the store, i ordered 8 (4 privacy-4 clear) so she’s covered for a long time, 3 phone cases with Formula logos and stuff (she’s a F1 girl), found dance schools near her so she doesnt have to search when she said she wanted to start some dancing, found her 2 AC units close to her so she can manage the heat for her autoimmune, checked her flights while moving countries, found her movies to watch, fixed her laptop issues from a distance, leaving her notes while she was sleeping to take her umbrella in the morning when i would see it’s gonna rain, talked to a pharmacy near me arranging some “off the record” deal to send her meds for her autoimmune when she will be at her homecountry because she can’t access them easily there, even thought of buying her painting canvas and water paint so she could start her old hobby that she quit and send me paintings for me to hang on my walls, found her hotels and tickets to help her with her flight here, laid out plans so she’s not anxious, even offered to pay for stuff because i knew she was tight on money.. I was thinking of driving her to and off from work sometimes, bringing her food, coffee, chocolates, flowers, taking her on small trips, even imagined us working hard to build her own dental office, if we would be to live together..
How can she not think of those while blaming me for ruining her? Calling me a narcissistic asshole? Then i feel void, then i cry again.. I was looking at her profile two hours ago admiring her beauty..a beauty that is not mine now.

Im sorry i wrote all these, it came naturally because i would actually remember things i did for her but now it feels like im bragging or i did them to control.. Ive never done any of those things for anyone ever before, not gonna show this part of myself again too.

Hey anita

I did yes, i cared for her and wanted her to feel that, even if sometimes i wasnt feeling it i would still do it out of commitment and care. But the reward was nice 🙂

Yeah i know, who is a narcissist and cries, right? She was gentle and still is, she’s a very sensitive person but when she feels lied on or u break her trust she gets cold and angry. She did it once again back in september when she thought i was fooling her.

The thing is now, idk what would we do even if she return. I mean, how do u find the energy and connection again? I am thinking of us talking and i feel no motive to do anything, not send her cute reels and stuff, nothing. Is it because i am tired right now?

Hey anita

Yeah but this only happened when i caused it, she didnt become like this on her own, so that’s why i was acting this way..

Yeah then definitely im burnt out. But i am so sad, devastated, can’t accept the fact that she left just like that..by my own stupidity!
I cry again remembering our little things, our deep and special connection. I doubt i will find anything like it again.

I think today i understood why i have rocd, it stops me from feeling anything. Because while i was working i was analyzing my feelings/circumstances/etc and i said to myself “why am i keep doing that? what am i trying to get out of it?” the answer was: nothing, u are just avoiding the pain. I guess while in the relationship with her i was avoiding something else, but what? Maybe copilot could shed some light.

I mean, it was me who caused those issues in the first place, no?

I just cant let go, i dont know when i will be able to move on if she doesn’t return. She did remove the hide from me so i can watch her stories but idk why she did that.

Hmm, what could be overwhelming or unstable in the relationship? All this happened after she mentioned future plans and i didnt hear what i wanted to hear.

But i did ruin our relationship with my stupid lie, 10 days before her coming here, having her in my arms.. I guess i got to move on..

No no i mean, it was me who did something inconsiderate in september that started all this BS, otherwise things would have been smooth sailing. We had so good communication overall, we respected each other’s space and everything.
Idk, i am thinking maybe she’s kinda over me that’s why she removed the hide.

Yeah yeah, future plans+fear of losing her, mostly the second one i think was deadly serious for me, never wanted to lose her. I enjoyed the intensity of the connection, but i think the texting got to us, we should have changed our schedule and habits until we recharge. But how do u do that?

I think i did it out of “anger” too, for her prying and i thought maybe she was bluffing at first.. What i should have done was tell her the truth and that my past doesn’t concern her, draw the line there. I should have never removed the likes in the first place.
I am not idealizing, i think i am pretty grounded on grieving what we had, not what we could have been. Even tho i do that too… damn, 1 week would be left until we ride together and i take her places, i guess it wasn’t meant to be 🙁

I know the pain wont stay this sharp, but the loss of a connection so deep will remain for years, i dont think i will ever find a person that gets me in so many areas. If only i could ease my fear of abandonment..

Hey anita

Do u recognize us easily?

Well i know i hurt her and she called me that, i am not excusing that behaviour but still.. She did apologize for all this hours later, said this isn’t like herself and i told her “i understand, u are looking for ways to blame/hurt me so u maybe feel better”. She then said now that she’s gonna get out of this she will become her old self again. I told her i truly wish i am the problem that’s causing u all the issues but somehow i doubt it, how we act is already within us, a choice. Its like a murderer blaming the victim for how they reacted.

I imagine her being angry and crying and i wanna hug her tight.. 🙁

Thank you anita, for everything here

I am using the computer for a little while- quoting from Copilot:

“Emotional fusion (very simple definition)
Emotional fusion is when a person’s emotions get mixed together with someone else’s so strongly that they can’t tell where their feelings end and the other person’s begin.

It’s like their emotional boundaries melt.

Emotional absorption (very simple definition)
Emotional absorption is when someone takes in another person’s feelings as if those feelings are their own — they “absorb” the other person’s distress, fear, guilt, or sadness.

It’s empathy without a boundary.

The connection to self‑erasure (very simple explanation)
When someone fuses with or absorbs another person’s emotions, their own needs, feelings, and boundaries get pushed aside.
They stop asking:

“What do I feel?”

“What do I need?”

“What is actually happening to me?”

Instead, they organize their behavior around the other person’s emotional state.

This is self‑erasure — the person disappears inside the other person’s feelings.

The simplest truth
Emotional fusion + emotional absorption → self‑erasure
Because when you carry someone else’s emotions, you stop carrying your own.”-

Will be back using the phone

Hey anita

He lives there for a long time? Also where is he coming from, which place in greece? Have u found another taproom yet? I guess that was important for u to blow off steam and socialize.

Yeah she did apologize for this outburst, but imagine me cursing at her? i would be done, haha

I think that’s what she had been doing, looking for things to blame me, to make her feel better/justified for leaving me. Why would she bring a year’s old topic up then? I hope someday she realizes how badly she fucked up with this one and i think she will regret cancelling the flight.

I mean, its easier to look outside than within, right? When i would express my feelings she would feel attacked or just say “if u hadn’t done this back at september this wouldnt be happening”.

Haha, thank you anita for calling me wise 🙂 Today i was explaining to my sister what happened and how she cancelled her tickets and my sister was shocked. She said while i am an idiot for lying, everything else is against her. She said “one day she’s gonna realize how hard she fumbled because u are a wonderful guy that u don’t meet often in life and u also don’t fit in interrogation rooms-like relationships”. My sister is 25 btw and she never compliments me so that caught me off guard! She also has never been in a relatioship.

I think copilot is referring to enmeshment? A term usually describing children from families that lacked identity, also on par with parentification. I mean, my defenses set boundaries firmly as of yesterday but there are moments that all my defenses drop and i cry, feel her absence, the lack of her presence in my daily life, the mutual care we would show to each other even when we were exhausted, refusing to give up, our own little language, “our little universe” as she used to call it and my heart aches, i still save reels for her.. but i guess she gave up, like i told her months ago “everyone leaves, i am used to it so i wont be surprised when u do”.
To be honest, today i was reflecting on my needs out of the relationship and how i wasnt communicating anything because i really couldnt understand what i needed, i still can’t and it bothers me.

Yeah it resonates, i think i was feeling too responsible for her feelings that i put my own aside and now everything comes out at waves, anger, confusion, disappointment, guilt, love.

I was discussing the situation with some friends also and they got furious. They said i should have been out of this long time ago, i get them but they don’t know how things were between us, the bond we shared, our connection, the love she showed me, she was caring, compassionate and considerate, always asking me how i felt about things and respected my feelings. I know what ive lost, a woman that even from afar, loved me like no other. I had so much more to give her when we would be together in person, many more experiences and love, actual love, hugs, kissing, taking care of her..