Page 100 💃 🎶 🎂 🌭 😁 👏 🎵 ✨️

I know what u mean and that hurt her deeply, i regret it so much, that’s how she felt too. But i didnt mean it in that way. I told yesterday that if anyone asked me if id want to spend my days with her i would instantly say yes. But since we practically dont know each other almost at all, i dont wanna say big words and then seem like a liar if things dont work out. I explained to her again that she’s all i want and i wouldn’t trade her for anyone but i dont wanna feel like im leading her on by telling her “together forever” and stuff. I like taking things more logical.. And tbh anita, i feel like i love her so much, im terrified of losing her but i still can’t make any future plans, not just with her, but with myself even. I can’t even get up and clean my house some days, how can i promise her such big words? I told her that i am so honest with her out of respect and love i have for her. She said she understands where im coming from but she still got hurt because she felt like an option until i find the one and i wanted to hug her so much at that moment.. Yesterday i told her a bit about rocd and my mind BS. The 0-100, how i feel nostalgic for our magical beginning. She said that this causes her even more insecurities because she thinks that at anytime i will leave her to find someone else to experience the beginning.. I corrected her that i long for OUR beginning, not just any random girl,otherwise i would be long gone trying to find it and i also wouldn’t trade what we have now, even with the difficulties, for our beginning..

Today i woke up feeling such a big void in my heart, nostalgic about how i could be so expressive and fully in love with her, dream about our future.. Then i checked what i have saved for her on instagram and i cried, felt like texting her “i love u so much”.. After, she uploaded a story of herself somewhere and i was stunned, thinking “wow, how pretty, she’s amazing.. why am i losing this girl and i can’t hold on to her??” i feel trapped 🙁

Hey anita

I feel both of them and it’s like one removes the other when it comes up.. Feels like i got two personalities inside me.

Yeah exactly, it’s 0-100 and i don’t think people that don’t experience that can understand it. I shouldn’t have told her anything but i just blurted this out while we were discussing about some future things and opinions (not ours, in general) and it hit her the wrong way.

I know u are not judging me and u’re trying to help don’t worry 🙂

Hmm there have been some days that i am trying to “catch” those moments and dig deeper.. Like i said it feels like two personalities, one loving her, one fearing/devaluing her (?).. I can’t really pinpoint but i think it’s the lack of trust that i have in people? That everyone leaves? Or that she doesn’t get me? Idk, its really hard since i have this void when i think about the future or when no romantic scenario moves me like it used to (not just with her, in general). But i would appreciate your opinions

Hey Dear Confused:

What you’re describing — the feeling of two parts inside you, one Loving and one Fearing — makes a lot of sense to me. It’s not ‘two personalities’ in the sense of having two emotional parts that get activated at different times. One part reaches for closeness, and the other part panics and pulls away.

When the fear part comes up, it wipes out the loving part, and when the loving part comes up, it wipes out the fear. That’s why it feels like 0–100 inside you.

You’re right that people who don’t experience this can’t easily understand it, but the important thing is that you are starting to notice it. The fact that you’re trying to ‘catch’ those moments and look underneath them is a good sign.

What you said about trust — the fear that people leave, or that someone won’t really get you — fits with the pattern you’re describing. When the future feels like a void, or when nothing romantic moves you, that’s usually the fear part taking over and shutting everything down to protect you.

If you want, we can look more closely at what each part is trying to protect you from, and what triggers the shift between these two parts.

Anita and Copilot.

Hey Kiddo Confused 🙂

You don’t come across to me as BPD or bi-polar, not AT ALL.

“I do feel love”- ✔️✔️✔️

“Kiddo Confused trying to fix parents fighting… my chest burning”-

Inside Adult Confused there’s still a Kiddo Confused with chest 🔥🔥🔥

“I feel like everyone… will 100% leave”, “father leaving and my chest burning”-

Was Kiddo Confused very attached to his father?
Do you remember?

🤔 🌿 ✨️ Anita

Hey Confused 🙂

Reading what you wrote, it’s so clear how deeply you feel — not just for her, but inside yourself. The way you cried while texting her, the way you wanted to hold her close and also let her go if it helped her… that’s not confusion. That’s a very tender, very real part of you coming forward. And when you ask how to “find this version and calm it,” it sounds like you’re talking about the younger part of you — the one who loved your father so intensely and felt that burning in the chest when he was gone.

Everything you described about him — waiting up for him, running to hug him, wanting to be close in every possible way — that’s a child who adored his father and felt safe with him. And when a bond like that is so strong, the fear of losing connection later in life can feel just as strong. That’s why the feelings with your girlfriend hit so deeply.

You don’t need to “get rid” of this part. You don’t need to force it to calm down. What helps is learning to sit with him, the younger you, and let him know he’s not alone anymore. That you’re here now. That he doesn’t have to panic to be heard.

We can take this slowly, together. One step at a time.

Anita and Copilot

Hey anita

Yes, i think this relationship invokes deep feelings for me, but since November they are fleeting, which is weird. Could be burnout/depression covering everything too. I feel like she’s such a baby at times, i wanna hold her in my arms, kiss her gently and stroke her hair.. But all this can snap in one moment and i feel like “no no, i can’t stand her, i got to get out!”
Some hours ago, we were texting and i asked her opinion about a mirror i want to install in my house and she said “i like it, maybe i will use it to snap some pictures of me while im there” and i looked at this text and my head went “of course my sweet baby, take as many pictures as u like..” and i teared a little because she’s so innocent and unaware of the torment inside my head and i thought “why cant i melt for the best woman i’ve ever met that loves me so much?” 🙁

Yes i adored him but i can’t remember why or how it felt, it feels like it was a different self and now i am so distant and different, i guess the situations changed me.

Hmm, how can i reach this part and speak to it maybe, then? I can’t grasp the concept/feeling of what u are saying tho, is it like a conscious thing that u visualize or u just feel it?

Yes he is alive and we are in contact, we live next door actually. There is nothing wrong between us, but i can’t show him love or any affection whatsoever. Not just him, i couldn’t do it with anyone in the family, maybe with my grandma a little bit but with the rest, i dont feel anything. He is so desperate for our love tho because not even my sisters can express feelings towards him. But he does it a lot everyday, he hugs us and we just stand still, frozen, but he came to terms with it, its just how we are. He tells us he loves us but we say nothing back. I do feel bad at times but i can’t help it, it’s just how i feel or how i’m built i guess. I have cried for him some times in the past though, i can feel his pain and longing sometimes but i can’t reciprocate. He says he’d die for us but i can’t feel nothing. I know i would take a bullet for my family too, but i can’t “feel” anything else, love, affection, etc. I can only feel those for romantic partners and for pets.

I dont mind answering ur questions anita, i am starting to see u as a big sister that tries to help me at the same time 🙂