Hey anita

Even tho scenarios dont benefit me, i still make them..

I know i should be prioritizing myself as #1 but at this point i cannot understand what’s good for me and why, or how it feels like, it’s very weird.

It was more like this order “i hurt her (which i would hate to do since she’s lovely and doesn’t deserve it) and then she leaves me”, so it’s kinda both, not something more than the other.

So, the scenario i made today is a classic actually: What if i wasn’t ready for the future talk (the moving to another country part) and i got mistakenly “scared” when she brought it up so my mind started seeing her as a “burden” or a “threat”, rather than the loving woman that she was (and still is) to me? It was just a convo but i did feel like she rushed things a bit there, but if that’s the case, how can i “undo” that? Or was it just anhedonia/depression and my mind looks for a scapegoat?

Hey anita

Haha dont worry i wouldnt leave without telling u 🙂

Hmm, it started when i woke up feeling like shit (10-11 november) and especially in the 12th when i felt the repulsion, from then on i started feeling guilty for hurting her/leading her on and responsible, the connection suddenly felt like a “burden” in my mind, rather than enjoyment and i cannot understand why 🙁

I like emojis too (it’s also our “inside game” with the girl 🙂 ) so dont worry i dont judge anything haha

Yes i have been very guiltful 🙁

Another thing, why were my feelings/fantasies would last for a minute and then vanish in january? What is this?

Hey anita

Today i feel like shit, my body feels drained and exhausted, my mind too. I am noticing those things.

Yes exactly this, i analyze and search for reasons and stuff.

I am trying this but doesnt seem to help..

Today i was talking with a friend and i realized something.. When i woke up like this in November, i was feeling like i need something, could be space and time to myself.. (idk why since i was enjoying our connection very much until the previous night-could also be the onset anhedonia), but i never asked for it till this day. I couldnt ask for it because idk how much its gonna take, i know how she would feel and i would hurt her, so i stayed and stayed and maybe my mind rebelled against her.
My friend told me his example: He woke up some days ago feeling like he wants to be ALONE (he lives with his GF) and he has no mood for his girl. It took him a while to realize and he kept fighting with her because of his bad mood, but as soon as he realized what he needed and communicated it to her, he felt fine again. Perhaps this is what i had to do?

Idk the difference between those.

Oh i didnt know such a procedure existed. Maybe we have it here too but idk.

I think it could apply but i can’t let go of control

Hey anita

How come it closed for good? Retirement? Btw in which state did u say u live in USA?

Haha the emoji puzzle is really puzzling u.. i see the same emojis as yesterday tho.

Today i woke up feeling the urge to end things EXTREMELY strong and real.. I can barely even talk to her, i think the last conversations/arguments we had affected me too much (because i felt i wont be enough and she’s gonna leave) and now i just can’t even have fun with her chatting. Will it go away? I think it came and went many times but idk it always feels so real 🙁

Sometimes i do the same as you!

Haha i like this scenario, two rooms seems to be fine to escape each other sometimes 🙂

Well, one room has to be for the PC for sure, but yeah that sign sounds good to warn the intruders!

I cant figure the 2nd emoji out, is it vomit?

Yeah reddit is chaos compared to u here. While u can find some useful things indeed, the ROCD is never satisfied. Therapist suggested i dont cut all off at once, because i might replace them with something else. Rather go 1 by 1.

I am gonna try but i have to admit it feels hard. She said that i only have to start doing it for a minute at a time, not try and do it for too much. (noticing the feelings/thoughts)

I dont think we were abusing each other, rather the opposite, at least for me. I dont wanna hurt her and sometimes that makes me wanna bolt!

We try to be mindful and respectful towards each other, even tho sometimes we get bitter and our avoidance gets in the way, she shuts down, i pull back and we trigger each other, but we started giving it a name and mention when it comes up and we feel like taking space. Even though i still have a really hard time setting boundaries and asking for space. Today i offered her space to get her head straight without having to worry that i’ll leave her but she said she doesn’t need it and thanked me for offering.

Ah.. The dreams and things i was planning for us.. Wanted to take her to so many romantic places/dates and do so many things but now i can’t feel a thing when thinking of them, not an ounce of excitement or dopamine. I can’t even imagine them, all i see is a black void. I feel like if this doesn’t work out with her, i am done with dating..

U think? Can this really happen and feel so real like my love is gone? Now i had an image in my head of me & her sitting in a car somewhere in her country, me looking at her and smiling.. but it feels so distant, then it disappears and i feel like i am fooling myself & her, like im gaslighting or forcing feelings 🙁