Hey anita

I know but before november i would also feel the need to pull them in even closer (fawning?)

So everyone says but it’s really very hard to grasp. I mean, how can we be so intelligent and still face such issues?

I have ALL that copilot wrote to you down to a T. But i never thought i had the difficulty of connecting, i guess my “connections” were always surface level? I think i’ve had pretty much everything with my GF of this list..

Today tho, it was a very nice day, it was her nameday, we were chatting all day until late night, we laughed a lot, we were intimate and caring and i felt nice for the first time in a long while (not honeymoon phase-like, but something good nonetheless)
She told me about a manager of hers that he’s hitting on her in the past 3 days and that makes her anxious and “freeze”, when i heard about it my BPM rose and my legs got weak..I advised her to take some action and don’t accept such behaviours. She is so innocent that takes everything as “joke” or “courtesy” and feels bad when i tell her otherwise, but she’s starting to get it, that most men only want one thing..
It felt better than the past months but my mind would still say “so, why aren’t u feeling ecstatic to videocall her, see her and stuff”, or “what if u get sexual and then u lose interest because u won this ‘prize’?” even tho i know i’m not such a person but my mind keeps attacking me lol.

Yeah i think so too, because the last week i am getting a more distant/tired vibe from her, like i said yesterday, so my mind might be preparing me for abandonment..

Am i though? I have no clue anymore.. i remember going to rides/trips with the motorcycle thinking about her being on my pillion seat, me recording videos to post for her.. that would make me feel so good, that i have a special someone to share those things with, now nothing touches me anymore.. 🙁

Hey anita

I was feeling our connection so special and precious before all that, i could feel it in my bones but now i can only remember it 🙁

Yes but sometimes my mind goes “why do u even do all that, since u dont want her”

Thats what i told the therapist, i think i feel like this is why i do what i do, to not lose my connection to her, but that’s now working well. For example today, i texted her but it felt like an “obligation”, we hadn’t talked for two days but i felt insecure about maybe her losing interest so i straight up asked her, if maybe there’s another guy in the picture or she’s bored and she told me to not say such dumb things and there is noone else, but she’s very exhausted and feels like she can’t give me any energy so she pulls back. Weird that we’re in the same place again, i told her to be herself and stop trying to be “perfect” for me (same thing i should say to me but..)

I remember the days i would shower and run into bed laughing like a baby just to chat with her all night.. for months. Our deep and long convos, the laughs.. I feel nostalgic, i wish i could relive those times 🙁

Idk how to give space to my feelings.. i am afraid i don’t have any feelings and i was anhedonic before her..

Yeah but i didn’t know that, i was assuming that the relationship stays the same as the beginning if things are going well, so that hit me hard. I think mine was something like a depressive episode that triggered all this.

But how can this happen? Do people feel like this and then feel love again?

Hey anita

I read your posts with copilot’s words and i can relate, i think he’s right. I could even relate with Paulien Timmer’s most videos about FA..But it all feels so real, like i truly don’t want her, or i am bored. For example now we text, how our day went, some other info here and there and it feels “dull” and not interesting. But on the other hand, every relationship (especially LDR) gets to this point eventually. The new and shiny energy fades, but my mind didnt go smoothly in this transition, damn. But i can’t consciously feel/recognize what copilot and others say, even if they all say the same thing, fear.

Then there is the low mood-problem in general, i can’t find any joy or motive in my life since November, so it’s normal to not feel it with her either. I feel empty and drained, my spark is gone. Does this have to do with the previous things? I wonder

Oh it’s ok, whenever u can 🙂

Yeah lol, i think yes, that’s the feeling behind that..

Idk if it’s about that, since she told me plenty of times and reassured me that she wants nothing to do with him, even if i wasn’t in the picture she’s done and she never goes back to her past once she leaves. But what else could it be? Maybe my insecurities are not calming down.

Yeah seems like spot on for me.. Even back when things were perfect between us, my mind would sometimes throw random scenarios that we would fight/argue, she would leave me or find someone else and how would i feel, what would i do and for minutes i would get upset/angry and distant (never told her anything about those random thoughts, only until december when we met), but would be fine within 3-5 minutes.
It always made me wonder why i do it. Same thing was happening with my father for example, i saw in my dreams that he passed, i woke up so shook, but then once it went away, it never bothered me again, as if my brain “experienced” it, processed it and now it’s gone, not gonna hurt me again.
It makes sense because after all this crying and grieving that i’ve done for this girl (while we’re still at it) now im numb and thinking of any relationship/future seems “off” to me right now. But i guess all this didn’t work with her, since i got attached anyway.
How do we turn this off and connect again, anita?