Hey anita

Thank you 🙂

U are spot on with that. We had discussed this last year because i was feeling like she was “doing me a favor” every time (i know she wasn’t), because every time i would ask her “do u wanna do this/that?” she would say “yeah, if u want/ yeah whatever u want” and over time i started feeling like she’s not 100% in it so i told her that my attraction increases when my woman takes initiative sometimes and expresses herself, when she isn’t passive. And she told me that she’s a bit more “old fashioned” and wants the man to be the pursuer. I told her i am fine with pursing like 80-90% of the time but i want to see some effort from her side too, some initiative, otherwise i feel like i am with a “sheep with no will” (kinda like that, an expression we use here) that goes along with whatever i say and i don’t find that attractive at all, i want a partner that stands up to me, raises her opinions and shows me that she wants me actively, not a passive person that expects 100% from me every time. She said she understands and she will be more expressive/active but it was mostly because she was shy and it was our first 4-5 months of getting to know each other. She started saying some things (like “when i return we will videocall”/etc) for a couple months but never really followed through and then we went back to the same habits, which i’ve noticed those days we were apart.

Why would she feel that? I dont know, she never said that but i think this would be weird considering she wants a relationship and even moreso, a LDR.
(Yeah me too, but i thiknk it’s fear of rejection that stalls her mostly)

Good Sat Morning, Confused 🌅

Confused: “I feel like I am with a ‘sheep with no will'”- I looked it up: it means a person who doesn’t initiate, doesn’t express preferences, and simply goes along with whatever someone else says.

* This describes 100% the way I used to be.

Confused: “a passive person that expects 100% from me every time… Why would she feel that?… I think it’s fear of rejection that stalls her mostly”-

Fear‑based passivity is when someone avoids initiating, expressing preferences, or showing desire because doing so feels dangerous — not physically, but emotionally.

It develops when a person has learned that speaking up leads to rejection, criticism, or being ignored, so they protect themselves by staying quiet and letting others lead. Over time, this becomes a habit: they wait for the other person to initiate so they never have to risk being rejected.

Habits are hard to break, (and deep childhood conditioning is even harder to break- see below), this is why she briefly tried to be more active and then slipped back into avoidant passivity once fear resurfaced.

By avoidant passivity, I mean trying to avoid rejection, criticism, being judged, or conflict.

This kind of passivity almost always starts in childhood, and not because the child is naturally quiet, but because the environment teaches them that expressing themselves is unsafe. If a child’s preferences were dismissed, or if showing desire brought conflict, they develop fear‑based passivity as a survival strategy.

By adulthood, it looks like “old‑fashioned values” — but underneath, it’s the same childhood pattern of avoiding vulnerability.

Childhood conditioning toward passivity means the child learns, over many years, that not acting is safer than acting — and that silence protects them better than expression.

* For me, Confused, this explains things better than anything else:

When someone grows up with childhood conditioning toward passivity, they learn to hold in their feelings, needs, and frustrations because expressing them feels unsafe. But holding things in doesn’t make the feelings disappear — it makes them accumulate. Over time, the pressure builds until it bursts out in a sudden, disproportionate emotional reaction. That’s why a person who is normally quiet, deferential, or conflict‑avoidant can suddenly erupt with rage, harsh labels, or extreme statements like calling you a “narcissistic ass****.” The explosions are the release of months or years of unspoken fear, insecurity, and resentment.

The passivity protects her until she feels overwhelmed, and then the emotional system flips into fight‑mode because she has no middle ground.

What thinks Confused?

🤔 Anita

Hey Roberta

Yeah that was my bad, i thought we were on the same boat on this but pairing that with my bad memory i messed up plenty of times because i was forgetting what i even said sometimes.

We discussed that too and she said i am right on this and she explained why she was a bit closed off and such.
Thank you for your reply 🙂

Hey anita

We had a 11 hours videocall yesterday, we discussed everything (i think), what hurt us and whatnot, we had a great time overall, we laughed, we expressed how the time apart was to us, how we were missing each other but still be angry at each other at times, etc.

Her main issue about not getting over september was me narrating stories with exes (i know it wasn’t me being nostalgic but still, my bad) and she said that this was like twisting a knife in a wound, that’s how she was feeling every time because this was a sensitive topic for her. I told her i understand but i explained to her that i wasn’t doing that on purpose, it was my own character trait, spewing stories and information without thinking much is my middle name actually. She said “so u can’t change on that?” i told her that i will change it and will be very mindful in the future since i too know that this is not a fun trait to have. Probably my ADHD gets me first that’s why sometimes i can’t stop myself, but i told her i now understood what she means and i hope this was the thorn that wasnt allowing september to heal. That was basically the issue and also the “lie” i told her that broke us up, explained to her that this wasn’t even a lie, it was mostly a “reaction” of stubborness from me because i felt interrogated and that what she did (asking me about likes and stuff) wasn’t mature at all and basically put me in that position. She said she did it because something was feeling “off” for her. I told her how it seems to me, that she subconsciously looks for danger/reasons to not be around and she said that this isn’t the case.

Then i expressed my own needs/issues about her being more expressive, showing love and all. She said i am right and that’s mostly her fault that she needs to work on and she will try more from now on. About the last months that i felt i wasnt prioritized, she said she thought that i would think that but she explained to me how both of those visits (her friends and siblings) were planned way back and she also told them to cut back on expenses because she was saving to visit me during summer. But the other issue i talked about was fear and pride. How she’s so “proud” with money, since i offered to pay for her tickets plenty of times and in return she would pay for mine when i would visit, to me that’s more like “i stay in my comfort zone to avoid, rather than feel obliged with money”, she said it’s purely because she doesn’t wanna feel like she owes money. I told her to stop being so afraid of everything and stop making negative scenarios about whatever we might say and she said “that i dont know if i can stop”. I explained to her how fear creates these scenarios that don’t exist or may never happen and that keeps her stuck. She acknowledged it but i doubt she can work on that anytime soon, that’s her default setting. I told her “fear disappears after u take the leap, not the other way around, u cant expect the situations to be ideal in order to do something because they will never be, we make them”

In the end i asked her how she feels about us and she said “the problem is, i still want u 150% but i am scared”, i told her that this is normal and my main issue (according to her) about me narrating stories with exes and stuff will never repeat again if we decide to rebuild.

Well the thing now is, videocall was great, i felt jealous over some guys that hit on her (i felt it in my whole body), but still now i can’t “feel” excitement to message her and stuff. Could it be that texting is no longer fun for me? Because 11 hours went by so fast during videocall.

Hey anita

Is it normal? Ive never had it in the past, not even with her. I would feel the same excitement to talk to her even after hours of call a year ago, but that was the beginning… idk, it feels “off”/confusing because normally when u want a person and u enjoy spending so many hours videocalling, isn’t it logical to want to talk to them more? Maybe its the “criteria” that OCD sets (black-white thinking) like my therapist said.

Yes i would look at her and tell her how pretty she is, we almost cried together at times, but still it felt like i was “faking” it, i don’t understand anita..

Yeah i felt very bad about that too and in the beginning she thought that i don’t understand her and i don’t wanna change this. It’s not impossible or difficult, i will just refrain from telling any story of that kind ever again, i know that most people are not okay with this and it creates insecurities especially in distance.

Same, i hope she never does it again and me changing this habbit of mine hopefully resolves that insecurity and trust issue for good.

I told her exactly that, to apply CBT and let the thoughts and what ifs go like a cloud and she said “sadly i can’t do it it feels impossible for my overthinking. I told her how i managed that back in june on some doubts and fears of mine and how it worked (when she was telling me that she was afraid we would get bored of each other) and she saw the logic but said its pretty hard still, it’s ok maybe i can help her with that. (i will your message again later)

Oh no no she didn’t mean it like that, she said it in an “ironic” way, something along the vibe “even tho i was so hurt by you, i still want you”, that was the tone. She also said that when we texted in the past week she was feeling like she’s betraying herself all the time which made her feel bad..I dont know if someone can get over that or if it needs time.

I think if i stop triggering her wound with the exes and stuff the fear will go away. But my problem remains, i can’t feel like a “boyfriend”, not with her not with anyone. Normally i would think of her (or previous when i was with them) and i would feel warm/cozy, wanting to hug them, sleep with them, do things with them. Now this part of me is nowhere to be found and idk why and how to regain it. It feels like my romantic “compass” is broken or something like that.

Hey Dear Confused 🙂

Yes, I think it’s black and white thinking, like your therapist said.

No one in the whole wide-wild world feels excited about another person (or about anything) all of the time.

Even in the beginning- you weren’t excited about her when asleep (at least not when you weren’t dreaming about her, ha- ha), or when you were thinking about something else and momentarily forgett about her, etc. Just like anyone else.

The difference is that you started checking and monitoring your feelings and thinking that normal is “weird” (the word you often used in regard to your feelings).

The feeling of faking it- I remember feeling that same thing. It was dissociation in my case, like I left my body and was looking at myself and others from outside of me, disconnected.

I’m glad to read that it’s not impossible or even difficult for you to no longer mention ex-es to her 👍

I hope that she gives CBT a try. It made a big difference in my life!

Oh, she didn’t mean it like that. Well, she definitely expressed strong feelings for you.

“It feels like my romantic ‘compass’ is broken, or something like that.”-

I figure the something-like-that is not just the normal fluctuation of feelings but also the shutdowns/ emotional dissociation we talked about many times.

🌿 Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

“When she mentioned someone hitting on her, I felt my whole body tightening and heat rising”-

Wait, wait.. perhaps she shouldn’t mention guys hitting on her, similar to you not mentioning your exes.. so that you don’t feel “body tightening and hear rising”, and she doesn’t feel “twisting a knife in a wound”.

Yes, I figure you can do a relationship while at times numb, shut down or dissociated. You can accept those no-feeling times and move through them.

There’s a dynamic that’s not at all uncommon for people who on one hand need love, and on the other hand, are afraid that the other person’s love will turn around and bite/ hurt them.

So, they stop feeling to protect themselves.

Do you think this dynamic applies to you?

🤔 Anita

Hey anita

I have told her to not mention those things to me but this time and she stopped but it was me who asked (dont remember why, something about our convo went there) and i mostly said it to point out that i got jealous, even tho i might not be “feeling”, which is so weird.

Its hard but ill try to rekindle even being like that, they say love follows actions, not the other way around..

I have thought about it, also read about attachment ambivalence (disorganized attachment?) and what u desribe about my early environment is exactly like this. Fights, violence, some love, rinse and repeat. Even tho i can’t “feel” that i want closeness right now. The whole feeling of wanting closeness is gone for most of the time.